Passion…unbridled

I cannot decide which book to read next, and I have spent

Ten minutes flipping the pages with the intent

Of finding the one that most piques my interest

I have read the first chapter of three books, unable to pick the one I like best

The result is that not a single book is getting read

I have this ambitious “To be Read” pile instead

*

I want to read as many books as I can, but my impatience gets in the way

I want to “finish” more than one book in a day

That’s not a very reader-like attitude, I guess

I’m looking for breadth and not depth in reading, I confess

*

Every book starts out with a promise to deliver something great

It gets me hooked but midway the writing gets flat, my enthusiasm dissipates

Most books towards the end momentum gain

And my interest in the book is brought back again

*

Let me just pick one random book out of the three

So that I can read it in full and return in time to the library

I carry an enormous burden inside me

Not breathing a word, I bring it silently

Inside the walls of my home, beyond my workplace

I swallow the sense of loss, alone I must face

The maelstrom of emotions within me

Trying to analyze what could have been done differently

Replaying the sequence of events in my mind

Rationalizing, as closure I am trying to find..

*

My son is trying to get my attention

To tell me about his day, despite my best intention

To listen to him, distracted I remain

I desperately want solitude to process my pain

But expeditiously I must move on, I have no choice

The emotions playing havoc with me I cannot voice

*

I get paged about another patient, jolting me out of my reverie

I cannot keep grieving, present I have to be

For my family and my patients, so I bury my grief inside

What cannot be expressed I just have to hide..

*

The loss of a patient is a heavy burden to bear

One that we carry alone, one that we cannot share

“Medicine gets interesting at the edges,” this statement I came across

I could not agree more, I love the grey zones where traditional paradigms are at a loss

To explain the myriad factors that affect health and wellness

Where neat flowcharts and diagrams are inadequate to express

The complex biology that is messier than what I was taught

It is those poorly understood questions that occupy my thoughts

*

There is a lot in medicine that I can explain

On the basis of simple pathways that my brain

Finds really easy to comprehend- with that knowledge I can only treat

A handful of diseases, but that science does not meet

The needs of a vast majority of people with chronic conditions

I confess I am limited in my capacity as an allopathic physician

*

In exploring poorly understood and complex pathways lies

My true interest, it is no surprise

That towards a holistic approach to wellness I gravitate

Without allowing my enthusiasm for my current practice to dissipate

As a self-confessed bibliophile, I am slightly ashamed to state

That these days I find it hard to finish books, my interest dissipates

Somewhere after the three-quarter mark I have reached

Admitting to this almost feels like a breach

Of understanding between the writer and the reader, that is me

If I have committed to reading a book,I should read it in its entirety

*

It happens more often with nonfiction than fiction, of course

I have enjoyed the book up to a certain point, but then I have to force

Myself to get through the last few chapters, often I do manage to read

The entire book, but enough attention to the subject matter I do not heed

*

Is it a property of the book I am reading or a flaw in my ability to read

That I start slacking in both my attentiveness and my reading speed

When only a small portion of the book is left unread

I should be excited about nearing completion, but I get distracted instead..

Reading a book requires a time commitment that I cannot always spare

Also with age my stamina is diminishing, I am acutely aware

*

Much of my life has revolved around reading, and so

I hope I continue to read books in a state of flow

When someone is waiting impatiently for you to react

Just don’t- don’t give them the reaction they are hoping for, and act

As if whatever they have done to elicit your reaction

Has had no effect, just do not take hurried action

Being cool as a cucumber is in this situation good advice

Stay unruffled, reacting would exact a greater price

*

When your buttons are being pushed to make you uncomfortable

By getting unsettled, you would enable

The other person to exert influence undue

Over your thoughts, which is precisely what you must not let them do

Your peace of mind is more precious than the mind games being played

By staying unperturbed, strength you would have displayed

*

In a power struggle sometimes the strategy that works best

Is to stand back and watch, let Karma do the rest

Too late in life I realized

I never learnt to work hard as a child

*

When I was young, I heard from everyone around me

That I was smart, and academics came naturally to me

So without making an effort I seemed to excel

It was smooth sailing in school, I was doing well

This continued into my early adulthood too

Achieving accolades in medical school was not hard to do

*

Adulting in the real world was a different ballgame

I failed repeatedly, a lack of “smartness” I began to blame

I struggled, and gave up too easily

For over a decade, that was my modus operandi

*

One day in a parenting book I read

That calling children smart is a disservice to them, instead

For the effort they put in they should be praised

Not only did this show me how my child I should raise

But it was a reminder of what I had been told

As a child- it was time to come out of that mold

*

I have learnt to put in greater effort into things at which I am bad

There are plenty of them, but at least I am glad

That I do not give up as easily as I did before

I am willing to put in an effort, and then some more

The idea of being smart had, in retrospect

All these years thwarted my progress

I received a compliment and my insecurity kicked in immediately

Was the compliment genuine or were they making fun of me

What if there was behind the compliment an ulterior motive

Otherwise why would they a compliment on my rumpled outfit give?

This compliment was completely unexpected, I must say

I remember feeling quite drab that day

*

Why is it so hard for me to accept a compliment at face value?

I should take it as genuine, even it that is not true

And move on, instead of letting it live in my mind rent-free

Not get too excited, but not overthink constantly?

*

Every compliment that I receive, especially in an unexpected domain

Brings up deeper issues with my self-esteem, skeptical I remain

About my ability to garner compliments on how I look or what I do

Therefore I cannot believe if a compliment is true..

*

Next time a compliment I receive I shall try my best

To accept it graciously, and forget about the rest

(Ok, I get that accounts need to be secure, but I find the login process too onerous..)

I get that the website I am using needs security to be ensured

But it makes me jump through too many hoops to stay secure

First come the username and password of which I have no recollection

I retrieve one and reset the other, to complete my work today is still my intention

Then there is the two factor authentication for which I have to use

My cell phone, I wonder what would happen if I were to lose

This precious item, how would I be able

To function in this world where entry into every account is two-factor enabled…

Anyway I tap on the icon before me

Hoping that I would now gain into my account entry

Apparently no, there are the CAPTCHA codes that I find

Too taxing to decipher for my impatient mind

I cannot get the text right, so I get an image display

After several attempts, I am relieved to say

That I have entered my account on this website

Hopefully no more issues I would have to fight

*

I try to complete the task I had in mind

But after spending twenty minutes signing in, I find

That I have neither time nor energy left to navigate

My account today, the delay has caused my enthusiasm to dissipate

If I were asked about my personal superpower I would state

My superpower is that I can create

A rhyme out of anything that happens to be on my mind

Ideas, observations, experiences, all find

A place in my writing, in the form of a rhyming verse

To recording my thoughts in any other form I am averse

*

This “superpower” may not a tangible benefit reveal

But when life gets overwhelming, poetry can heal

So I’d like to think of it as a superpower I possess

Conflicting emotions writing poems helps me process

*

Maybe this is not an answer that would be well received

In a job interview, but I truly believe

That as a flawed human being this is how I cope

With the struggles of life, shaping them in rhyming verses gives me hope

Since sitting has acquired the sobriquet

Of “the new smoking”, people have been trying in their work day

To stand, move more, in an effort to sit less

Thus you see the profusion of standing and treadmill desks

Realizing that I spend hours before a computer in documentation

I got on this bandwagon too, in an effort at augmentation

Of my time spent not sitting around

But unfortunately for me, I found

That walking on a treadmill while trying to type or dictate

Was too distracting, something I promptly came to hate

I could either complete my notes or walk but doing both simultaneously

Was too inefficient in every way for me

Then I tried a standing desk, after all I would still be stationary

But I found that being upright prevented me from thinking clearly

*

So I just sit and efficiently complete

Tasks that are best accomplished with me glued to my seat

To stand and walk frequent breaks I take

To get exercise and the monotony of busy work break

But using a treadmill or standing desk at my workplace

Is a strategy that I am unable to embrace

I treated my voice as my most prized possession

After millennia of facing obligate subjugation

Many women had found their voices before me

And I was trying to carry forward their legacy

Personally it had taken me decades to find

My authentic voice, the one reflective of my mind

I had been trying to hone it, to make it distinctive

Much time and attention to my voice I had been trying to give

*

On the AI bandwagon, I resisted jumping for a while

I did not want anyone (or AI) to influence my style

Finally, the fear of missing out won over me

And I tried out a few AI platforms gingerly

I asked for an idea for a poem (looking for a prompt is nothing new)

But I was surprised by what the AI agent wanted to do-

It told me it would “do the heavy lifting” for me

And proceeded to compose a complete poem instantly

Since I had asked for a prompt, it gently told me I was free to choose

Which part, if any, of the finished poem I wanted to use

*

Since then, each time I have asked for a specific answer, I have found

AI trying to be so “helpful” that it makes me turn around

And not look at whatever that bot had produced.

I do not want my real voice to get confused!

*

If this is the beginning, I am terrified to think

Of what the future holds; the gravity of this situation is beginning to sink.

I am determined more than ever to keep my voice intact

That I shall not let my writing be influenced by AI is to myself a pact

I have something embarrassing to confess

I interrupt conversations out of fear of being unable to express

My opinion, which I really want people to know

I am always rather impatient to show

That I have a voice that I am not shy to use

Any chance to make myself heard I do not want to lose

*

Unfortunately I have only rather recently become aware

That instead of listening, I am formulating the viewpoint that I want to share

And in my impatience, I interrupt before people have had a chance to complete

What they are saying, admittedly this behavior I tend to repeat

*

As a petite woman, I often feel rather small

I’m afraid of going unnoticed if I say nothing at all

But I seem to lack the emotional intelligence to understand

When to say my part, so my words land

At moments that are obviously inappropriate

I end up speaking too early because I do not want to be too late..

*

The silver lining here is that at least my shortcoming I have found

Now I have an opportunity to turn my behavior around

I must learn to listen uninterrupted, even if I lose

The chance to chime in, listening over speaking out of turn I should choose