Passion…unbridled

A friend asked me what gave me peace and proceeded to venture a guess

That it must be creating art- it is a plausible answer, but I confess

That creating art does not give me the peace that I desire

Because each time I do it, my inner critic and my imposter syndrome conspire

Throughout the process to keep me dissatisfied

I never get the desired outcome, even when my best I have tried

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I would like to lose myself while creating art

But I focus on the end result right from the start

The final product is never as perfect as I expect it to be

Thus peace of mind continues to elude me

*

The more art I create, the more I suppress

My inner critic, the more I express

My own thoughts and feelings through art

To find peace through my art, this is a good start

My eighty-five year old patient shuffles slowly into my clinic, her caregiver in tow

Compared to her last visit, she is visibly more slow

I go in to see her, after her medications have been updated and reconciled

Right away I see a problem with the medications in her electronic medical record filed

She is on too many medications, both over-the-counter and prescribed

Among her medications there are many drug-drug interactions described

I see that her blood pressure is much lower than in the past

And drops down further when she stands up fast

Additionally she has three pills to help her sleep at night

She has glaring risk factors for falls in plain sight

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She cannot remember why she takes some medications

“I just take the pills before me” is her simple explanation

She is seeing various specialists, myself being one

Each of us has just handed her some more prescriptions..

*

I realize that the best thing I can do for her now

Is to simplify her complex regimen and allow

For higher blood pressure and lower risk of falls

I am reminded that in medicine, one size does not fit all..

*

I de-prescribe medications, set supplements aside

Next visit I see an improvement in her spirits and her stride

She is more animated, blood pressure is normal too

“Less is more”, this phrase does ring true

I dabbled in art for years, but in quality art supplies did not invest

I did not think I was an artist, this was just a passing interest

I told myself that since I was not a real artist, I could make do

With my child’s school art materials that had capabilities few

As I continued to make art and my repertoire tried to expand

I had to buy paints and canvas boards, necessity forced my hand

The quality of my artwork improved noticeably

When I took the tools I needed seriously

I have not fully embraced the identity of an artist but I continue to explore

Making art in different ways, I invest in my tools much more

*

My thoughts I have been transferring to paper for a while now

But my writing has felt immature, my inner critic has not allowed

Me to claim the identity of a poet, therefore hesitant I have remained

To hone my skills further, I have refrained

From joining writing courses and workshops until recently

But now I have decided to invest in learning the craft of poetry

I have had to train myself such that when I say

I am a poet, imposter syndrome does not get in my way

*

All these years I had been waiting for perfection to find me

Before fully embracing an artist’s or a poet’s identity

My own progress I had been blocking all these years

I am finally investing in my art and facing my fears

I read this piece of advice that rang true-

To pay close attention to the body it told one to do

Because the body does not know how to lie

If something feels abnormal, you need to find why

The article strongly recommended never to ignore

Physical symptoms that persist, because the body keeps score

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On the other hand, the same article did advise

To pay very little attention to the mind, the mind tells lies

All the time, but we assume our thoughts are true

And believing in them completely is what we instinctively do..

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I am certainly guilty of ignoring my body and trusting my mind

Not attending to my physical discomfort indefinitely I am inclined

But I want to act on every thought that comes to me

I need to reverse this order evidently..

I have endless possibilities before me

I should be able to get to work immediately

My blessings I should count, not many people are as fortunate

As I am, with a plethora of choices on my plate..

*

But I find myself by indecision paralyzed

Too many choices restrict me, I have realized

Trying to find the best possible path has left me

Confused and afraid of not choosing wisely

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If I had possibilities just two or three

Much easier narrowing it down would be

I would not waste precious time in deciding what to do

I would not be paralyzed by indecision like I am prone to

If you want to learn patience in a world where impatience is the norm

Read a wordy book, a lengthy one, in a physical form

In a world with dwindling spans of attention

Write in a notebook what you observe, slowly, deliberately, with intention

If you are thinking of someone, from sending an instant message refrain

Send a card carefully picked out , inscribe your message in handwriting plain

Slow down, be old-fashioned, occasionally leave behind

The convenience of modern technology, rest your overstimulated mind

*

In a digital world go analog, in a fast world, go slow

You will thank yourself, the results will show

Through improved quality of life, through greater satisfaction

Through more attentiveness to the world, through enhanced interactions

With the people around you-the way you were meant to be

Surrounded by people and nature, not screens and technology

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You have made life more efficient, but lost meaning along the way

Make life more meaningful, one step at a time, every day

I have a confession to make here-

I find it extremely difficult to adhere

To any form of exercise consistently

Working out is just not my cup of tea

I would rather sit somewhere, read or write

Than my body’s aversion to exercise fight

*

But being a cardiologist implies that I must give

Advice on physical activity to my patients to help them live

As long and as well as they can, and I feel a moral obligation

To walk the walk and talk the talk, so I try to follow my recommendations

And exercise just enough in order to stay

Within the limits of what the guidelines say

*

All these years, what was promoted was aerobic exercise

It took me years, but to my surprise

Now I actually want to jog on my treadmill most days

But recent evidence suggests that resistance training pays

Higher dividends compared to aerobic exercise alone

I feel almost cheated- just when I was learning to exercise, research has shown

That what I have been doing is not good enough

Learning resistance training (lifting weights) would surely be tough

*

The shifting standards in exercise disheartening appear

And I would never be able to catch up to them, I fear..

Contemporary social media language makes me feel old

I don’t want to use these new abbreviations and phrases, truth be told

I prefer to stick to the language I learnt in school

I write on social media the way I would write professionally, as a rule

*

I consume quite a bit of social media content

I need to be familiar with the new lingo to some extent

These are words that have made it to the dictionary

Further suggesting I should learn language contemporary

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I search up the meanings of new words and phrases on the internet

But since I don’t use them, I tend to forget

Exactly what they mean, it adds to the unmistakable feeling

Of being old, a sad realization with which I am dealing

*

There is going to be a bewildering array of new concepts to know

As time goes by, while my speed of learning would be slow

To keep up with the times is a challenge to which I must rise

I have to learn the new lexicon, this I have realized

If I’m being honest with myself, a duplicitous life I live

I believe that importance to what others think of me I do not give

But my actions consistently my thoughts belie

To project myself in a certain way I try

Such that others approve of what I do

To my own self, I do not always stay true

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Interestingly I note that with age I seek more validation

From the women around me, somehow that is confirmation

That the women in a group accept me

And I can share with them a sense of camaraderie

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With age, increasingly on my women friends I have come to lean

For comfort, for commiseration, for the occasional boost to my self-esteem

But their opinions sometimes have influence excessive

On my actions, far too much importance to them I give

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I want to conform but also chart a path of my own

Because I know I cannot do it alone

My friends matter to me, their opinions I want to know

Sometimes I disregard them, sometimes their advice I follow

Long before I had experienced firsthand what nostalgia felt like, I had felt it vicariously

Through stories of displacement, immigration, moving away from one’s parent country

Before I knew what loss and grief felt like, those emotions I had imbibed

In reading world literature, I had internalized the words that described

The unsettling sense of loss, the pervasiveness of grief

Before I had solidified my belief systems, I had incorporated the beliefs

Of writers from all over the world whose works I admired

Before I had experienced love and longing, I had learnt the language of desire

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The world came closer to my doorstep with each book I read

Before experiences shaped me, I was moulded by the words in my head

In the pages of books, for my feelings validation I have found

At every stage of life, I have had a pivotal book around

With books my life is inextricably intertwined

Throughout my life books have framed my mind

Growing a kitchen garden seems like a worthwhile hobby to pursue

But gardening is something I cannot successfully do..

*

To grow vegetables and herbs pesticide-free

To cook using ingredients grown organically

To literally consume the fruits of your labor

To taste the freshness and incomparable flavor

Sounded extraordinarily appealing to me

So one day an amateur gardener I decided to be

*

I plunged into my endeavor with great expectations

Bought a number of plants in a gross overestimation

Of my nonexistent ability to raise plants on my own

Soon, without understanding but with plenty of enthusiasm I had thrown

Myself into planting new saplings in a bed I had prepared

Of all the variables that could derail my project, I was unaware

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I overwatered my plants initially but then forgot

To water them completely when dealing with a lot

On my plate, I had planted too many plants in a small space

Thus overcrowding of plants I had to face

The net result was disappointing, many of my plants died

I was disheartened that adequate care to my plants I could not provide

*

I scaled down my expectations and tried again

With a single herb in a planter, but my efforts were in vain

This plant under my watchful eye did not survive

I did not know any tricks to make a plant thrive

*

Perhaps someday I shall reattempt growing plants under the guidance

Of a seasoned gardener, for now I am nursing guilt intense

On being unable to keep plants alive

As the opposite of having a green thumb I can be described

Summer itself has become a topic of discussion in the past few years

Climate change has brought to reality our worst fears..

*

Relentless heat waves, prolonged and intense

Of living being and infrastructure, testing resilience

One side of the Atlantic indulging in schadenfreude to deride

The lack of ubiquitous air conditioning on the other side

Endless chatter about planting more trees

Everyone praying for the heat waves to cease

Reactors shut down, asphalt melting on roads

Power outages adding to the misery from overload

The dystopian future of science fiction seems to have arrived

In a rapidly heating world everyone must adapt to thrive

*

Ensconced in my centrally air-conditioned home right now

I thank this modern-day luxury that allows

Us to sail through heat waves without much discomfort

I too cannot help but feel sorry for those across the pond making an effort

To stay cool without this invaluable piece of equipment

Investing in air conditioning should be the first step to prevent

The tragic loss of life while sustainable solutions are explored

To tackle the issue of a warming planet at its core