Passion…unbridled

I am a rule follower, usually afraid

To break norms, I believe there’s a price to be paid

Whenever you go against established protocol

Especially at work- therefore I cannot recall

The last time I was late, delinquent or absent

At work, at least by deliberate intent

And on the few occasions I failed to be timely

I was angry at myself, I felt quite guilty..

*

I don’t know why one day while I was stuck

In rush hour traffic, I felt like pushing my luck

And taking the next exit instead of heading to work

I wanted to be a truant, responsibilities I wanted to shirk

It sounded like a break from my life mundane

Excited about the prospect, I inched into the right lane

To take the next exit and drive far away

Dreaming of spending by myself a carefree day

*

When I came to the exit, I could not follow through

With my plan, my insecurities came to my rescue

And I drove to work, thinking of how irresponsible I would have been

If my wild plan had been realized, it would mean

Rescheduling my patients who needed medical care

Or overloading my colleagues, both of which would be unfair

The after-effects of my truancy would have been unpleasant

After returning home, I would have been repentant…

*

The nature of my work is intense, therefore no doubt

There are times when I feel like I am burning out

Traffic snarls and other annoyances add up too

Then I want to hide myself or run away, I do

But the rule follower in me reminds me I cannot

Just walk away, so I continue to work, and on second thoughts

I feel victorious when I power through a busy day

All my fantasies of truancy just fade away..

When my workday feels chaotic

I want to escape to someplace exotic

To the library after work I head

To find a book that when read

Draws me in into its pages such

That with the external world I lose touch

*

To plan my weekday escape I browse

Through books that my curiosity arouse

I read cover pages, try to find that one book for me

That would transport me elsewhere reliably

I retreat from my disordered world and lose

Myself among shelves as books I try to choose

*

As I contemplate the unassuming process of finding books in a library

I am filled with awe at its profound effect on me

The irritability with which I had entered this place

Has disappeared, with pleasant anticipation replaced

I am eager to read the “catch” of the day

And to an artful writer’s world, escape away!

I never find the world as unfair

As I do when I start to compare…

*

Why am I stuck in a less desirable place

Why do roadblocks I have to face

When I look around me, all I see

Success stories, people thriving and happy..

*

Wait, I was quite content yesterday

Then I came across someone today

Who does appear to have much more

My life now feels worse than before

Nothing changed, except that I found

Comparison to steal in a manner profound

My precariously held peace of mind

And I let my insecurities unwind..

*

When I go down the rabbit hole

Of comparison, to repair my injured soul

My blessings I have to count consciously

I realize with gratitude, I have so many

I have to be careful though, I must refrain

From falling into the comparison trap again

I don’t want to compare my blessings with anyone

When the whole reason behind this exercise was comparison!

*

The axis of my world is set right

Let me sleep contentedly tonight

Let me a beautiful life for myself envision

Devoid of envy brought by comparison

I start one task and then realize

Doing just one thing seems unwise

I should multitask in order to be more efficient

Doing one thing at a time is not sufficient

To complete my list of things to do

I must do mundane chores, but I also have to

Stay up-to-date, be a citizen well-informed

At home and at work, at my best I have to perform

Therefore I try to listen to a podcast as I cook

Or have a video lecture running at which periodically I look

Or just trying to cook multiple dishes simultaneously

Time is my most precious commodity…

*

Sometimes I multitask like an expert

But often I find that my scattered efforts

Lead to at least one thing not well done

Finding food burnt or extra salty is not fun

I do not grasp enough of what I hear

When I try to multitask, I fear…

*

The image of a superwoman who multitasks is etched on my mind

Despite knowing switching between tasks is detrimental I find

Myself going back to doing more than one thing

Then there is middle age that also brings

Slow decline in my cognition, therefore

“Multitasking” is not appropriate for me anymore…

The easiest thing in life is to

Make excuses just like I do

Find a reason to bail yourself out

Navigate tricky situations without

Being accountable to anyone

Including yourself, never taking action

Staying passive, being ready always

With excuses conjured in creative ways..

*

You slip through cracks, navigate your way

Through difficulties in life, until one day

There is no credible excuse that you can find

In that moment you have to galvanize your mind

And act to solve the problem before you

You have to prove there is something you can do..

*

You realize being proactive actually feels good

Instead of making excuses, you should

Try to see each problem as a challenge new

You did well being passive, who knows where action would take you?

I must be calm, composed, even keel

Regardless of inside how I feel

My efficiency should be the same day after day

“Excuses” I must always keep at bay

Of course these expectations are quite reasonable

I must bring my most professional self to the table..

*

Except,

I cannot feel the same all the time, unfortunately

My hormones affect my performance inevitably

My monthly cycle affects me in body and mind

Therefore there are days when myself I find

Less alert, more sensitive, more tired or in pain

I am not making excuses for any secondary gain

I understand that my professional responsibilities

Must not be subject to my hormonal vagaries..

I try my best for my body to not get in the way

Of work, but my hormones do not always let me have a say

*

In a career spanning decades I can expect to see

Short-lived changes in my body and mind invariably

Pregnancy, postpartum period, menopause- all would be

Expected milestones on my life’s journey

Battling nausea, mood swings and night sweats would be rough

To forget about my discomfort completely would be tough

No matter how hard I try, there would be

Times when I would not at my peak performance be…

*

I would like nothing better than to be able

To bring my consistent self to the table

I would like to perform the way men do

But I have to work with my hormones too

In completing projects and meeting deadlines

The phase of my monthly cycle is always at the back of my mind…

Some days I have energy and am able to push myself more

Other days I need to slow down because I am sore..

*

This is not a rant but reality for women

Despite this, they are capable of outperforming men!

In every meeting, there are ideas I want to bring forward

But I cannot articulate them convincingly, so they are rarely heard

By those who dominate meetings with their eloquence

Their ideas are average but their confidence

Ensures that people listen to what they say

And are convinced to follow them anyway…

*

How can I convincingly put forward my thoughts

When I doubt whether I am right or not

The imposter syndrome has a strong hold on me

It does not let me state my point of view confidently..

*

Therefore tongue-tied in many meetings I remain

From sharing my ideas emphatically I refrain

When I stay quiet, it is unfortunate

That a harmful stereotype I perpetuate-

Of women at work being perceived as less capable

For leadership roles, they are considered less suitable

*

I must work on self-confidence

Those feeling of imposter syndrome intense

I must learn to completely disregard

Expressing my ideas should not be that hard…

As an over-aged trainee in most fields of medicine

To survive, one has to develop a thick skin

No matter what you do, as a general rule

You are susceptible to being ridiculed

When you lack in knowledge or cannot

Meet the impossible standards that are thought

To be essential to making you competent

Despite working hard, to the maximum extent

Praise is not something you often get

Instead you are told to never forget

That your teachers worked hours endless

During their training, you work much less..

*

This trial by fire is essential to survive

In the real world of practice, where your passion and drive

Should propel you through fatigue and lack of sleep

In treating patients you have to delve into your knowledge deep

Gradually the rigorous curriculum that seemed tough

Starts making sense, all the hours spent training were not nearly enough

You thank your teachers for being hard on you

And making you capable of doing what you can do…

If I start a book, I feel like I have a moral responsibility

To finish it, otherwise an insult to the writer it would be

As a reader, I want to keep an open mind

The best parts of the book I am keen to find

Before I pick up a book to read, of course

I look at the cover thoroughly, I do not force

Myself to read if the subject does not resonate with me

But once I start reading a book, it’s a different story…

*

I don’t want to feel like a quitter, I guess

(Though I gladly leave films half-seen, I confess)

Once I start a book, I plow through it anyway

At least I have honored the writer’s intention, I say

Besides, as a physician I have learnt to read

Boring subject matter as part of a rigorous curriculum indeed

Therefore a book that I do not find exciting enough

I continue to read, though sometimes it is tough

*

I debated whether to add this here

I think my actions are driven by fear-

One day I hope I shall publish a book

And hope that readers would take a look

At my labor of love, and read the book in its entirety

To all writers out there, I want to extend the same courtesy..

I light a lamp, as a nod to my inner light

The darkness within me I must fight

Let me dispel all dark thoughts away

Replace them with the light of hope today

This auspicious day let me be introspective

Look at life with a different perspective

Let my inner light shine, let me be aware

Of its power, that brightness with the world let me share..

*

The victory of good over evil I celebrate

Over the state of the world I contemplate

And send a prayer to the powers above

To let the evil of violence be won over by the good of love

Let darkness in the world fade away

For the brightness of humanity pave way

*

On Diwali each year, as I connect with my roots anew

I celebrate it at a spiritual level too

My soul finds catharsis when an earthen lamp I light

It reminds me of everything in my world that is right

Many times in life it appears

That the best is over, you fear

That what you have lost would define

The rest of your future, you resign

Yourself to this assumed fate

You let all hope for the future dissipate

You exist in the present and pine for the past

In which you had actually felt alive last

*

With your new reality peace you’ve made

The memories you were holding onto are beginning to fade

One fine day your life takes a turn

In the positive direction, you learn

That there is a silver lining to the cloud before you

You have received a second chance out of the blue..

*

You take this chance hesitatingly

You are afraid of your vulnerability

As life unfolds in a beautiful way

You let hope re-enter your heart, and stay

You feel alive in the moment once again

This second chance has erased your pain

Every piece of advice on finding success

Invariably places a lot of stress

On meeting people, making connections,

In the hope of finding an intersection

Of mutual business interests, that is the way

To enhance professional profile in this age and day…

Therefore going to business dinners is the norm

Where you have to be careful, you have to perform

The role of the suave, confident professional flawlessly

Impress those who can help you advance professionally

You are expected to find every opportunity to socialize

With people that can help your ambition be realized

*

It appears that an introvert is thus doomed to be

Not quite successful professionally

There must be a way to let your work speak

For itself, excellence at work should not be that weak

To require superficial interactions with people perceived

To be powerful, but that is what the world makes you believe..

*

Of course finding your tribe and making connections heartfelt

Is a path to enrichment in life and good health

But forced communication with an ulterior motive

May not for overall satisfaction be conducive

*

Communication may be the key to professional success

But professional growth is a multidimensional process

In the end trying to change who you are

May not allow you to get very far..

*

Each day that you perform your work with diligence

You get closer to achieving professional excellence