Passion…unbridled

As if life were not complicated enough

The hormonal roller-coaster makes it more tough

To go through life unruffled and even-keeled

When curveballs from your own body you have to field..

*

While giving a presentation you sense

Creeping up your neck and face is a heat intense

You falter and stumble, because you are confused

You “look” embarrassed, your demeanor is misconstrued

*

You have been used to dealing with monthly woes

But the unpredictability you face now does not come close

To what you have experienced over the last many years

To go anywhere not fully prepared causes intense fear..

*

Mysterious aches, weight gain and disturbances of sleep-

The vicissitudes of hormonal changes run deep

Emotional lability much worse than pregnancy

Threatens to completely destroy your sanity

*

You are a homemaker, a mother and a professional too

Juggling these roles efficiently is a struggle for you

And now hormones are trying their best to derail

You from your path, you just hope you would not fail

“This too shall pass” you tell yourself once again

Hoping life would get better after going through this pain…

I think the best of me is expressed

At work in situations full of stress..

I should try to apply to other life situations

The methods I use successfully in my profession

*

Before you think I am tooting my horn, allow me to explain

As far as my profession is concerned I am trained

To take care of patients who are critically ill

As time goes by I continue to hone my skills-

When you take care of sick patients with complexities

You get mired in the minutiae of their co-morbidities

Often it is helpful to step back and obtain

The thirty-thousand foot view to ascertain

The next best step- that step decisive

Could determine whether the patient lives..

*

Life often poses challenges that are hard to navigate

Circumstances and my reactions further complicate

The situation, instead of getting caught in matters inconsequential

I should take a step back to get the big picture, the elements essential

Just like I do when I have a critical patient before me

Stepping back would allow the same kind of objectivity

*

I am learning life lessons from my professional domain

To pause for a moment, step back and evaluate again

There is a word I both love and hate-

That particular word is “approximate”

To every situation it adds an element of uncertainty

It allows you some leeway, keeps you commitment-free..

*

As an example it is good to see this word in a recipe

It allows me room for some creativity

In addition or subtraction of ingredients, for adjustment of taste

Helps me give an individual flair to the dish and minimizes waste

On the other hand, if exact measurements are required

It feels like a lab experiment, not a feeling I desire

*

When time for a meeting is given as approximate

It allows room for someone to be late

Since punctuality is not always my strong suit

For myself I prefer time to have a value absolute

The window of time on either side of approximate

Is difficult to determine, and I end up being late..

*

While on this subject, there is one thing I would say

I am grateful I was taught mathematics in such a way

That I have the ability to quickly calculate

Numbers in my head to get to a value approximate

In the human body most values have a range of acceptability

To determine that range, approximation is the fastest way for me

*

Finally, my age I now prefer to state

Not in absolute years but as a value approximate..

Why am I so gullible to the myth of being thin

That when I get on the scale it seems like a a win

In the midst of feeling that I’m losing out

On many other counts, I feel good about

My near static and (relatively) desirable weight

I know that being thin does not equate

Health, will power or strength of character

Weight just serves as a distractor

From the other insecurities that I face

I try to feel good about being in a good place

With my weight, at least the impression people have of me

Is not that I am gluttonous, undisciplined or lazy

Hopefully I come across as being energetic and agile

The thought gives me comfort for a while..

*

The irony is that even at a normal weight

I have made it a point on which to fixate..

In true confession I am terrified of weight gain

A few pounds would not affect my health but the psychological pain

Of having failed at the one thing in which I had success

Would be much more than I can process..

*

As I reflect on my dysfunctional relationship with weight

Despite knowing better, I try to evaluate

How social conditioning is so hardwired in my brain

That I fall for the myth of thin being desirable again and again

If I feel this way, I can only imagine how those not as thin

Must feel- most probably don’t feel comfortable in their skin..

*

I do not know who needs to hear this today

But being thin does not reflect on who you are in any way…

In the ideal world I would pay

Much more attention from day to day

To every facet of my work, corners never cut

Do the same for my family and home- but

In the ideal world of my dreams I do not live

My real world is messy and chaotic, and I have to give

Part of myself to every role that I am in

My attention gets divided, my patience wears thin

Hormonal roller-coaster complicates matters too

When emotions get high, it creates the perfect milieu

For missing something crucial, in a moment of inattention

For glossing over to get to the next task, despite good intentions

When I discover my error, usually too late

I feel guilty and obsessively ruminate

About how I would pay attention to detail

I devise new strategies that would not let me fail

*

I may not repeat the exact same mistake

But there are always too many factors at stake

And I continue to be an individual error-prone

Ignoring noise to focus on what’s important is a skill I must hone

At what point do you say enough is enough

When you deal with human lives it is tough

To let go, there is always one more modality of treatment

That can be administered, with the intent

Of prolonging life even at the cost of discomfort

How do you determine it is not worth the effort

Most patients rely on you to tell them what to do

And as long as there are treatment modalities old and new

To treat their illness, to offer them compelled you feel

The time they have left you do not want to steal

Even though you know the treatment may not provide

Meaningful quality of life, you don’t want your thoughts applied

To your patient’s situation, therefore unless they tell you

To stop further treatment, you decide to continue..

*

Sometimes both quantity and quality of life are gained

Sometimes neither, you are reminded once again

That you can just act in good faith and the rest

Is not in your hands despite your trying your best

You’ve worked a long day in a supercharged state of mind

You’ve looked forward to being home, to sit down and unwind

You turn on the news or surf the internet

Trying to find something that can hold your interest

But your mind keeps drifting subconsciously

Towards the work from which you were supposed to be free

You have constant access to work related stuff

So disconnecting yourself completely seems tough..

You have not actually brought work home, and yet

You’ve brought work-related stress by bringing work snippets

No wonder you do not feel rested the next day

You had work following you on your way..

*

You must try to actively shift your mindset

From work to relaxation and reset

Your brain to enjoy an activity that does not show

Any resemblance to your work as far as you know

*

The mantra is to disengage from work every day

Leave all thoughts of it for the next day

You make a decision and then repent

All your energy has been spent

From indecisiveness to a decision

You have tried to re-envision

Your goals for the future and now

You’ve stepped into the unknown anyhow

You wonder if the right step you have taken

You obsess over whether you were mistaken

About the opportunity you had thought

You should pursue, you had sought

Something to get you out of a situation unbearable

But you wonder if you have made life unstable..

*

To make a major change in life takes courage profound

Once you take a decision, you should stand your ground

Otherwise the “what if” scenarios playing in your mind

Can cause your decision-making process to unravel and unwind

And leave you stuck in the past that ironically

Was the one you were trying to flee

At the end of the tunnel there seems no light

When the beast of sleep deprivation I have to fight..

*

Being called at night is an evil necessary

In my profession, we wear sleep deprivation as a proud accessory

We learn to work through hours of sleep lost

But repeated lack of sleep does come at a cost..

*

Young and starry-eyed, fueled by adrenaline

Augmented and supplemented by caffeine

Working nights and days with enthusiasm immense

I almost miss those nights of training intense

*

Now I am older, exhausted and jaded

Cynicism has set in, idealism has faded

My sleep is interrupted often but rarely does it any difference make

To my patients’ well being when I am forced awake

*

I can still work long hours through the day

But working day and night takes away

Pleasure in doing everything I do

A physician but a human being, I need sleep too

*

Over-caffeinated, over medicated, in overdrive

This verse has been penned by me in a state sleep-deprived…

I am brushing up on my knowledge of the heart

And as I delve deeper into some concepts, I start

Going back in time to my medical student days

When I was trying to grasp the heart’s mysterious ways

Vaguely hoping that life would somehow include

Matters of the heart…now, with immense gratitude

I can say that much of my life revolves

Around the heart, as a physician I continue to evolve

Working to treat sick hearts with tools ingeniously designed..

I am fortunate that the heart lodged itself in my mind..

*

I read about murmurs of the heart and recall

Being intrigued by those heart sounds had started it all

I reflect upon my journey, and it has been

An exciting one, a few hurdles I have seen

A large part of my heart the heart does occupy

We are close companions, the heart and I

You are conditioned to not be loud

You don’t make your loved ones proud

When you raise your voice, in anger or frustration

Almost always it is met with unanimous condemnation

One of the most important tenets of living in society polite

Is to use your inside voice, express displeasure in a manner quiet

*

Yet there is a primeval urge hidden under wraps

To be loud, to let everything out, perhaps

That is the reason “The Scream” is a masterpiece of art

Letting out a feral scream can lighten a heavy heart

It is a way to release bottled up emotions

It can be a powerful anxiolytic potion..

*

Of course you cannot scream just anywhere

Before you scream for release, you must be aware

Of your surroundings, but even screaming into a pillow

Has been recommended as a strategy to let go

Of pent-up anger and frustration to find

Catharsis, in both the body and mind

We obsess over the right way to parent

Our children, our overarching intent

Is to ensure that unknowingly we do not expose

Our children to harm, we try to keep a watch close

So that every stimulus to which they get exposure

Is a positive one, we try to create a safe enclosure

Where everything they see, hear or do is conducive

To their development, the least stress to them we try to give

We mull over the right toys to play with, the right books to read

The right music to stimulate them, the right organic food to feed…

*

When we parent in a manner over-anxious

When over our children we constantly fuss

That anxiety we inadvertently transmit

To them, on them our insecurities we inflict

We end up raising children who are unfortunately

Not the resilient individuals we want them to be

*

We stress over the best for our children but forget

That the best from us that they can get

Is our unconditional love, encouragement and attention-

All the intangible things we give with the purest of intentions

Allow our children to grow into adults with maturity and resilience

Ready to take on challenges in a world fast paced and intense