Passion…unbridled

Do I have the courage to step out

In full revelation of my age, to go without

Coloring my grey hair- does my vanity allow

This departure from convention- it seems radical somehow

Although my grey roots are visible to everyone

Until another coat of hair color gets done

The rest of my hair artificial color retains

The secret of my age, my hair tries to maintain

My wrinkles and crows’ feet my age reveal

Which my colored hair tries hard to conceal..

*

Coloring my hair every few weeks is onerous

I expose my hair to chemicals hazardous

There are compelling arguments in support

Of going au naturel with my hair, to sport

Hair that is completely grey (or white)

Could be a powerful statement in its own right..

*

Why is there such a compelling need

To appear younger than my age indeed?

So many societal conventions I am ready to break

Why not this one, I tell myself but it would take

A lot of contemplation before I can make up my mind

Eventually the courage to go grey I hope to find

In a world that tries to exploit our insecurities

Let us tell them that we do not care, please!

*

We have been strong in the face of adversities

We have stood up for our families and communities

To believe in the patriarchal narrative we must cease

From the shackles of insecurity, ourselves we must release..

*

We can be polite, but we need not appease

The fragile egos of others, we need not please

Others to the detriment of our own mental peace

We must not shy away from displaying our expertise

*

On this women’s day, let us this opportunity seize

And reaffirm our confidence in our abilities

Coming up with ideas to write about is tough, I confess

I draw from news articles and my own experiences to process

My thoughts into words, but some days I do not find

Anything powerful enough to resonate with my mind

So I fall back to my first love in life- books, of course

To talk about which myself I never have to force..

*

I read books of most genres, I have read

Thousands of books, my faculties have been fed

On a rich and varied diet of fiction and non-fiction

To read, for me, is almost an addiction

When I think and write, the voices in my head

Are an amalgamation of the powerful words I have read

When I read, part of the author’s voice I imbibe

I conjure up scenes that their words have described

Each book I read becomes a part of my consciousness

The printed word has the ability to indelibly impress

Upon my brain what it wants to convey

Therefore my fascination with books shall never go away

Before I break let me bend just a bit

Squeeze and tuck to make my aspirations fit

Into the life I have and the circumstances I face today

Perhaps I can then shape tomorrow in a way

That aligns more clearly with the path I have in mind

But if I break today, a better tomorrow I shall never find

*

Let me just pull back before I snap

Walk away before getting caught in the trap

Of the grass being greener on the other side

That is always an illusion, I know deep inside

Let me not act on impulses that arise

From simmering anger- that would be unwise

*

Let me look, and look hard before I leap

Without throwing caution to the winds let me keep

My wits around me, more than ever I need them now

So that I do not break, but just bend somehow

At times a workaholic I can be

Taking time off is not easy for me

I have not taken a break unscheduled

That would feel like I’m breaking an unwritten rule

Before I take time off, I must ensure

Every task is completed, every loophole secured..

*

So I surprised myself and everyone around me

When I asked for a day off suddenly

I was not sick, but I felt quite burnt out

Workplace drama I wished I could do without

I had worked many days in a row

I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, and so

I ditched the feeling of guilt nagging at me

And proceeded to enjoy the rare luxury

Of time- to breathe and to practice self care

As the day went by, I became more aware

Of how constant work had robbed me of simple pleasures

The time I got to spend alone was a treasure..

*

It was just a day, but it felt longer for sure

And though my burnout it did not cure

I went back to work feeling better the next day

My mental exhaustion had been taken away

To spend time in solitude I prefer

As a loner to myself I refer

When I am free I am occupied

In solitary pursuits, curled up inside

A nook in my house, I rarely feel the need

To interact with another human being indeed…

*

Maybe I have deluded myself such that I believe

That I can be happy alone, I have made myself perceive

Being alone with my interests as a fulfilling state

Maybe the power of interpersonal interactions I underestimate..

*

I was about to spend a quiet evening alone

When I received a call from a friend on the phone

We chatted for hours, catching up and commiserating

Our conversation ended up being unexpectedly invigorating

It raised my spirits for the rest of the day

It drove the fleeting cloud of blues away

The most engrossing book could not have given me

The boost in spirits that our conversation did successfully

*

Perhaps I am not the loner I consider myself to be

I just need more friends to connect with deeply

A heart-to-heart conversation like the one we had

Is what could keep my spirits up, prevent me from feeling sad

To my preferences let me make amends

Let me discover ways to make more friends

It was by serendipity that I realized

The warrior mindset I had imbibed

Subconsciously, and through the years

It had served me well, let me conquer my fears

To achieve more, that spirit of competition

Had given me grit and ambition

But, I had been seeing the world in a warped way

As a battlefield, to score a win every day

Every situation I inadvertently perceived

As a challenge, I only felt relieved

After I had “conquered” the situation, got my point across

If things did not favor me, I took that as a loss

*

This warrior mindset is no longer conducive

To the slower pace at which I now want to live

The constant battles (in my head)

are wearing me out

The win/lose mentality I could definitely do without..

*

Now that I have gained useful insight

Into my mindset, I am ready to set things right

I must start perceiving life through a more neutral lens

Evaluate situations with equanimity, not with emotions intense

A warrior I no longer want to be

Let me adopt a peaceful mentality

When things keep going well, you do not feel as good as you do

When something goes well after things have been bad for you

It takes a bad experience to fully appreciate

The value of things being in a favorable state..

*

Life seems to be good to me for the most part

So when things are bad, I try not to lose heart

I look forward to feelings of gratitude and relief

After spending time in an unpleasant situation with grief

Because I have realized bad times do not forever stay

After a stormy night, brighter feels the next day

*

Good and bad have values comparative

Both come in a mixed bag and we live

With each of them in different measures

Sometimes we hurt, and sometimes experience pleasure

I would love to be a masterpiece, but I

Am just a work in progress- I would not lie

I stumble and fumble, forward and backward go

Through roadblocks, sometimes of my making, I forge a path slow..

*

I would love to be near-perfect, to have arrived

At my destination, fueled by ambition and drive

But I hobble and wobble, lose my steam

In the midst of projects, so I never seem

To reach that mythical place in my mind

That lofty pinnacle to conquer which I think I’m destined

*

I am perpetually a work in progress

Forever a part of an overall process

Of improvement, but I do fall short

Of becoming a masterpiece of sorts

*

What if I could change my mindset in such a way

That I feel I am both- a masterpiece and a work in progress any day

Perfect as I am, but with room to grow

Comfortable in my skin, but always eager to know

More ways to live my life more meaningfully

Perhaps a more contented person I could be..

If I could not be productive most days

I would think of myself as a failure in many ways

To get things done, and fast, I have been primed

Throughout my life, so when I do waste time

I feel guilty, because time is what I most lack

After all I search actively for productivity hacks

Sometimes I am too wired to fall asleep, and yet

If I am unproductive, less sleep I get

Because then my conscience continues to nag me

The sin of wasting precious time weighs down on me heavily

*

Is it my inner critic that ammunition finds

To berate me and play tricks with my mind

When I fall short of the lofty goals both of us have set

It loves to make me uncomfortable, make me fret..

*

I do, therefore I am is the dictum by which I seem to live

I feel vulnerable if I am unproductive

But sometimes on an unstoppable sprint am I

Then I feel invincible, I get an indescribable high

*

My highly active self shall age as time goes by

And I shall drop from my productivity high

I hope my inner critic is able to extend me some grace

As I settle into a more relaxed, less productive phase

This is the story of my life every night

I know I should sleep but I continue to fight

All the thoughts racing in my head

My brain does not wind down but speeds up instead

Once I am done with my chores for the day

All sorts of ideas, creative and strategic, come my way

Sometimes I decide to act on them at a later date

But when I try to sleep, my mind retains its stimulated state

At other times, I feel compelled to act immediately

So that I can capture a rare idea accurately

Both scenarios to a similar conclusion lead

I end up getting less sleep than I need..

*

Once I wake up in the morning I get galvanized

In a predictable flurry of activity, before I realize

Where the day has fled by, it is time to go to bed

At that time creative juices start flowing in my head

Why does it not work the other way around?

Why don’t ideas appear in my brain in the morning, so I can get sleep sound!

When did working long hours become

A sign of productivity, a badge of honor for some?

*

Many times, knowingly or unknowingly

We show one-upmanship in being busy

In a not-so-subtle manner we try to convey

That we are important, we cannot idle away

Our time in frivolous pursuits since we work day and night

A ready-made universal excuse it becomes

To avoid social obligations that appear burdensome

*

In public we talk about our long hours with pride

While we yearn for a shorter work day deep inside

Poring over paperwork is not an attractive way to spend

An evening for anyone, no matter what we pretend..

*

I am guilty of telling everyone how busy I am most days

Though I am constantly on the lookout for ways

To reduce my hours spent at work, by being more efficient

To spend time at home every evening is my intent