Passion…unbridled

I woke up ready to rise and shine

An early start seemed to be a sign

That I would be productive, or so I thought

But the day passed, I did not accomplish a lot

There was just so much that I wanted to do

I wanted to work hard and have fun too

Work, read, write, socialize, be creative

To each task attention I wanted to give…

But once again life got in the way

Of my having a highly productive day..

*

In this month, the last month of the year

I had aimed to expand in every sphere

My 31-day goals were quite lofty indeed

But unfortunately my expectations did exceed

The reality, and circumstances were such

That I could not accomplish in this month very much

I could blame it on the holidays, therefore the slow pace

Or the unseasonably cold weather that we had to face

But in truth I could not be equally industrious every day

I had to take many breaks along the way

*

The end of the year beckons, in a panic I find

The goals for this year that I had defined

Are far from being accomplished, though I had 365 days

I should have been able to catch up before time flew away

But unexpected occurrences made me deviate

From my path, thus I could not empty my plate..

*

Days, months and years go by fast

If only somehow I could make them last

Just a bit longer in order to complete

All my goals, life would be sweet..

This is what I used to think, but now

I wonder if I should give myself slack and allow

Me to lighten the burden of expectations in such a way

That I accomplish the most important projects every day

Continue this strategy month after month and year after year

And make steady progress in each sphere

When I look back at the year gone by

I reflect on the lowest lows and the highest highs

Then I ask myself if at the end of the year

My cumulative experiences made it clear

That I found growth, from inside out?

Because wherever life takes me, without a doubt

The important thing is to continuously grow on my journey

Each day become a better version of me

Time is on a relentless march, and I must learn

To imbibe something new at every turn

*

Whether or not specific goals were achieved

Personal growth in most spheres I perceived

Many lessons the past year taught me

With a growth mindset, I await the new year eagerly

Why do I always seem to perceive

Life as a problem to solve, why do I believe

That everything needs to be tackled head on

That life is a battle that needs to be won?

*

Does it stem from being a woman who needs

To prove herself in a world where men mostly lead

Is it a manifestation of feeling insecure

That I need to solve problems to be sure

I am on firm footing, I can be in control

I feel best when I am in an active role

Rather than being an observer passive

Somehow this is how I have learnt to live..

*

Lately I have been re-examining my approach

Why don’t I let events in life be as they are, unless they encroach

On my well-being or place me in danger imminent

To focus on solving a few problems should be my intent

Instead of fighting inconsequential battles here and there

I should try to fight for issues about which I care

*

Some things in life are just meant for experience

While others require problem-solving intense

As I go along my journey, I must learn to choose

My battles wisely, otherwise I stand to lose

My focus, peace of mind and satisfaction

Sometimes passivity is the best form of action..

What about it is so surprising

That she can see eyebrows rising

When she expresses the desire for more

Be it food, freedom, ambition, they are keeping score

In no sphere should she expect to exceed

Whatever the men in her life have, her needs

Can never be allowed to surpass theirs’

To blatantly express her desires, how does she dare

Caring for her family should bring her happiness

She is selfish to seek individual success..

*

Patriarchy has roots so deep

That women still have to climb hills steep

When they try to place themselves first

Because fragile egos could burst

My professional work has an overarching presence

On all aspects of my life it has an effect intense

It spills over, occupying every nook and cranny

Of my life, unless I consciously deny it entry

Some days it becomes a commitment limitless

And the work I otherwise love begins to oppress

When work takes me away physically or mentally

I miss out on everything else that is important to me

Time spent with my family, or in pursuits creative

Is lost when duty calls and I try to give

My one-hundred percent to the work I must do

I keep working, but resentment builds up, it’s true

*

When work is a calling, you cannot ignore

The demands of work; plans that were made before

Cannot be carried out, work always seems to succeed

In getting its way, in usurping all other needs..

*

I constantly try to set boundaries and separate

Work and home, but the balance remains delicate

The scales tip towards work invariably

It is not the place where I want to be..

Standardize everything, make a template

Have spreadsheets, keep calendars, schedules create

To maximize efficiency, and stressors minimize

Be productive- at every step in life, strategize..

*

While cognitively I agree, this is what my mind accepts

As the key to success, my heart protests

Too much structure leaves no space

For creativity, when excessive organization I face

I become a machine, at a spinal level operate

How can working like this excellence generate?

*

When this is applied to my work as a physician

I can do certain tasks with absolute precision

But the art of medicine does not find

Adequate expression when I am confined

Within narrow constraints of checkboxes to tick

And limited time to interact with patients vulnerable and sick

*

Instead of an over-structured rigid template

Let me have a framework on which I can create

A tapestry that reflects critical thinking and innovation

To find, in every sphere of life, creative solutions

I live life in a constant struggle

To snatch back stolen time, as I try to juggle

Multiple responsibilities in the space of a day

I fight sleep and exhaustion in every way

To get some time for myself to splurge

On things I like, some time to purge

Stressful thoughts of things to do

From my mind, find some clarity too

But even as I try to relax there is a voice

Within me that criticizes me for my choice

To “waste” time when my task list is incomplete

Worrying about that list does further deplete

The time that I can in solitude spend

So I end up sleeping later than I intend

I rebel against the lack of time adequate

Thus I continue to procrastinate

Going to bed, this cycle never ends

I still never have enough free time to spend

What if I were to fall out of the rat race

What if one day I decided to embrace

The languidness of a snail’s pace..

What changes in my life would I face?

*

I thrive on exorbitant amounts of caffeine

To buzz through days, full of adrenaline

Trying to outrun time, the fastest runner indeed

My keywords in life are efficiency and speed

So the deliberate act of slowing down would entail

Trying to shift my activities to a different time-scale

To literally smell the roses, listen to the birds

To read much more slowly, to savor each word

From devices I would have to separate

So that context-switching I can eliminate…

It’s daunting to think of all the different ways

In which I would incorporate a snail’s pace in my days

*

I’ve been running on the hedonic treadmill

Life seems to spiral out of control still

The idea of switching to a snail’s pace

Is to let my life spiral back in to place!

I’m not good at making lists at all

I place my faith in memory and recall

But the holidays are a time when I need

Meticulously made lists indeed

Holiday gifting is a task delicate

If I forget someone, I am tempting fate

There are always more people in my orbit

Than the initial count, who deserve a gift

Some had unexpectedly gifted me last year

They must be included in the gifting sphere

Then I obsess over the gift value

It is helpful to have a list for it too

So I can compare values from last year

Before loosening my purse strings dear..

I refer to the list each time I’m at a store

When I think I’m done, the list is revised once more

*

Now let me go back to my list and see

If gift shopping has been completed satisfactorily…

(Where Morocco carries the dreams of Arab world and Africa in World Cup Soccer, British economy trails behind that of India while getting a PM of Indian origin- the former colonies are asserting themselves in a world where the playing field has never been level…)

They didn’t ask for any apology

They didn’t ask for any reparation

They moved forward despite their history

Bloodied and soiled by colonization

They hunkered down and quietly toiled

Equality with the colonizers was a distant dream

They powered through poverty and turmoil

To rebuild what was plundered, a monumental task it seemed

*

The road is difficult, uneven the playing field

But their strong nerves are learning not to yield

To the deeply ingrained dictates of colonial power

To cut the cord of colonization is the need of the hour..

Let the world see those faces ignored

Let their hopes and ambitions soar

In this post-colonial world let a new order be unfurled

Let them take center-stage, the denizens of the third world

Too many decisions to make in a day

Too many variables that get in the way

Of making the best possible decision

I wish I had the kind of precision

That in the realm of artificial intelligence resides

Maybe I should look at AI platforms for advice

It would be a leap of faith to trust a machine

But if I do it, maybe that would mean

Less decision fatigue, better sleep at night

My emotions around decisions I would not have to fight

What’s more, if the result of a decision is negative

At least with guilt I wouldn’t have to live

Nor would someone else be implicated

Blaming a bot would make life less complicated…

*

I am quite technologically challenged, I confess

Therefore to use an AI-driven process

Is just a pipe dream at the moment

I’ll continue making decisions with the best possible intent

Why is it that each time I try to look

For something specific in a nook

Of my home that seems to have cavernous space

I never find what I need, but in its place

I find a smattering of things that forgotten lie

Tools, trinkets, jewelry, pretty much anything under the sky

I am overjoyed at times, at other times dismayed

Because for a duplicate of something, hard-earned cash I’ve paid

Then I shake my head and marvel at all the stuff

That I keep buying, and yet it never seems enough

For my greatest first world problem I need

More self-control to rein in my greed

The money I spend languishes in objects of little use

Instead, spending my money on experiences I should choose

*

The ability to buy what I want is a privilege, of course

But I cannot keep track of my possessions, I am forced

To spend precious time and energy on trying to find

My things, it adds to the clutter in my mind…

*

For now, let me just try to enjoy my treasure

Finding beautiful old stuff has given me pleasure