Passion…unbridled

The most important element with which I want to live

The one thing that proves to be painfully elusive

That is hard to achieve, and harder to maintain

Once achieved- I lose it again and again..

I long for, actively seek, strive to find

Balance in my life, for peace of my mind

Balance between work and home responsibilities

Between challenging myself and feeling at ease

Between strenuous activity and complete rest

Between old hobbies and new interests

Indulgence and austerity, experienced in equal measure

Emotional discomfort offset by pursuit of pleasure..

To be stoic enough to get through a catastrophic event

To embrace Epicurean delights when opportunities present..

*

Each moment of life cannot be perfectly balanced, I know

Over a time-space continuum, in a balanced way I should grow

So when I start drifting towards extremes in any domain

I pull myself towards the center, towards balance again

If I had a dollar for each time I am asked this question,

I would undoubtedly be a rich person

“How did you learn to speak English so well?”

“So you grew up in India? From your accent I couldn’t tell..”

Many hours I have spent trying to formulate

The best, most succinct reply- I estimate

That no one wants to hear what I have to say

Still, having been reminded of my foreignness, I say something anyway

*

I tell them how we are expected to be

At least bilingual in my parent country

I tell them that many Indians are in English fluent

Despite enunciating words with an accent

I cannot refrain from adding the statistic though

Eighty percent of English teachers world over are not native speakers, you know

*

What I do not say is penned down here

The sentiment is too strong to be expressed easily, I fear-

I am the product of a past inexorably ingrained

In colonialism, many effects of which have not waned

With the passage of time, such as the English language

That permeates the consciousness of those colonized even in this age

Everyone has a desire to imbibe the culture dominant

That belongs to the oppressor, the unexpressed intent

Is to find a way to snatch back the self-esteem

That was lost in colonization and that needs to be redeemed

Therefore we learn English, and learn it well too

It’s the language of success, at least we believe that is true..

Where do I find the will power to ignore

The urge to buy, there are so many stimuli that lure

Me with their advertisements inviting and tasteful

I forget that buying things I do not need is wasteful

Or I convince myself that the bright new stuff

Is badly needed, my life is not enough

Without its possession, thus I must part

With moolah to satisfy the craving in my heart

The more I browse my devices, the more I notice

Beautiful, artistic objects that promise me bliss..

*

Attachment to material things should not lead to

Lasting happiness, but I know this much is true

The power of retail therapy cannot be underestimated

Snagging something new at a stellar price leaves me satiated

Maybe I fill an emotional void with a purchase

But if brings me pleasure in so many ways

The privilege to buy what I want and when I fancy

Is something that with gratitude I see

In a consumer-driven society a part I play

In the economy by spending money this way

*

By making me happy, my purchase fulfilled its intent

I couldn’t care less if the feeling is transient…

I search for time, in doses small

The last time I wasn’t rushed, I can’t recall

I want to simply stare out of the window

Daydream, think, let the moment flow

Without being filled by a productive task

If only I could in the glory of leisure time bask..

Maybe I could some inspiration find

Finally satisfy that craving in my mind

To create my masterpiece in art

In reality I’ve not even been able to start

Any creative project because I lack

The time it needs to get on track

*

I find free minutes here and there

Then, before I’m fully aware

Something comes up to fill

That aliquot of time, and despite my will

To savor that time doing nothing at all

Into the vicious trap of productivity I fall

I tell myself that I would be free

Once the task is completed satisfactorily..

*

Thus free time remains a dream that seldom sees the light of the day

I keep working harder, and time just flies away

People might try to make you feel

Inadequate, not good enough, try to steal

The limelight from you, downplay

Your achievements, take away

The credit from you- make every effort to find

A chink in your armor, play games with your mind

Until your strong nerves start to fray

Your confidence starts ebbing away..

*

As a woman accomplished and independent

You are likely to face this predicament

You have nerves of steel, you think

Yet you might be brought to the brink

Of doubting yourself because you’ve been

Subjected to gaslighting in ways both obvious and unseen

You start wondering something is wrong with you

What you thought were your strengths appear weaknesses too..

*

You are a strong woman and you should not be

Affected by criticism of your work that easily

By the time your realize the other person’s intent

The damage has been done to a great extent

It had started with comments innocuous

Laced with slight insults, nothing worth making a fuss

You did not realize what was going on there

Until the situation seemed beyond repair

*

As a woman, you have to keep your cup

Full to the brim, find those who build you up

Let no one steal the thunder from you

You are in control, and that is true

Many assumptions I have made

About myself, I realize they have played

A major role in how myself I see

There are opportunities I disregard freely

Because I am “not that kind of a person”

Many activities are just not for someone

Like me- I am too ordinary, too cautious, too busy

Too short, too unfit, too unskilled or just lazy

So I end up saying no to many challenges new

Getting out of my comfort zone isn’t something I do

Just because they do not fit the image in my mind

Of who I am, or are not with my preconceived interests aligned

*

You should not put people in boxes, I believe

But placing myself in a box is something I seem to perceive

As a perfectly acceptable thing to do

I have stereotyped myself, it’s true

I am in chains that I myself have made

Through uncharted waters I need to wade

In order to see meaningful progress

Who knows which opportunity would lead to success?

I am supposed to think, and process complex thoughts

I tend to spend my time thinking a lot

I weigh the pros and cons of every issue at hand

I try to ensure that I completely understand

The situation before performing an action deliberate

For most decisions I’ve had time to pre-meditate

If I seem to come to a conclusion quickly

It’s because my experience has helped me

Arrive at that point, not because I’m in a hurry

If I don’t think through things, I’d make mistakes, I worry

*

As I grow older and acquire some worldly experience

(Including a pandemic that brought changes intense)

I realize I tend to overthink frequently

It’s not meticulousness but anxiety evidently

I suspect from a platform of fear I operate

I think if unknown variables I eliminate

From a situation by examining it as a whole

I would be able to maintain control..

But no amount of overthinking can

Predict a curveball, a black swan event

Sometimes overthinking and over-rationalization

Can also lead me towards an erroneous decision..

*

Maybe I should not always think as much as I do

Go with my gut feeling, listen to intuition too

Not everything in life follows rules defined

Therefor rather than overburden my mind

I have consciously decided to not think a lot

Go with the flow, pair intuition with my thoughts..

Everyone talks about open doors

Everyone tells you to open doors

With your astuteness and perseverance

Or to take advantage of the presence

Of an open door of opportunity before you-

The idea is to always pass through

An open door into a world that is new

An open door is a sign, a clue

That you are destined to find success

Venturing beyond an open door spells progress…

**

Doors that are closed, no one talks about

Closed doors signify negativity, no doubt

If a door closes, to encourage you they say

Another door would open on your way

Behind closed doors dark spaces are found

Where immorality and evil lurk around

A closed door is forbidding and cold

Denying you welcome inside its fold

Behind closed doors shameful secrets may lurk

A closed door may be a hindrance to your work…

No one tells you to close doors, do you notice?

Every closed door seems to hide a deep dark abyss..

**

What if I tell you that closing doors

Is as important as opening some more

Sometimes doors just need to be shut

Sometimes ties need to be cut

A door that leads you nowhere should be

Closed behind you silently

A door that has led you to suffering and pain

Should be closed so you can find healing again

Find an open door that leads you

To acceptance, peace and love that is true

Black holes exist, it is true

You feel them, when sadness engulfs you

When profound depression sucks you in

All you can sense is the darkness within

There’s that black hole within your soul

Sucking in your light, swallowing you whole

To the edge of the black hole of depression

You try to swim, but the force of gravitation

Pulls you back in, your escape routes are blocked

Time comes to a standstill, you feel locked

Inside the deepest darkest recess of your mind

It is a black hole, no help you can find…

*

I did escape from that deep dark place

I returned to the present time and space

Therapy dragged me out of the black hole

Filled the massive void in my soul..

There was a latent spark within me

That radiated light for the world to see

(Image: In 2019, the Event Horizon Telescope unveiled an image of the supermassive black hole in the galaxy)

“I am sorry”- sometimes the words ring hollow

Insincere is the apology, you think you know

The act shall be repeated in the future, soon maybe

You’ve made yourself believe that is a certainty

You withhold your forgiveness for another day

You are unconvinced of the sincerity anyway

*

You remember you have been on the other side too

Fervently apologizing, hoping your words sound as true

As they are, yet the person you are saying sorry to

Is finding it hard to trust and forgive you

You truly feel sorry, sincerity you try to show

That you are willing to change, you want them to know..

*

Apologies are given and received based on trust

Before you forgive someone, believe them you must

We are all human, we all make mistakes

It’s hard to know for certain if an apology is fake

We want to be believed when we apologize

To extend the same grace to others would be wise..

Tradition is a two-edged sword

On the one hand, it is the cord

That connects us with our progenitors

We build on their experiences, for better or worse

We honor our ancestors’ aspirations

When we follow our traditions

In touch with our unique cultures we stay

As the world becomes more homogeneous every day…

*

On the other hand, being rooted in tradition

May lead to undesirable propagation

Of practices archaic that should not have a place

In the modern world where the challenges that we face

Are different from those faced by our ancestors-

Following blind tradition progress hampers

Worse still, it can be used as an excuse

To mask injustice, perpetuate biased views..

*

The nuances of different traditions are fine

In following traditions, we walk a thin line

Between what in the contemporary setting is relevant

And what with current social norms is incongruent

Thus, I try to follow traditions, but not blindly

I am rooted in the past, to the future I see

Can I ignore that pesky voice?

It’s berating me for my current choice

Annoying me, making me think twice

Telling me my decision is unwise..

At my best, I am indecisive

Constantly in self-doubt I live

But when I have reached a decision

After hours of exhausting deliberation

To change it I feel a reluctance profound

Therefore I try to ignore the sound

Of intuition, that at the last moment

Makes me doubt my original intent

But then… ignoring your sixth sense is unwise

Danger is sensed before being seen by the eyes..

*

I have paid attention and I have ignored

The voice of intuition many times before

That nagging feeling of something not being right

Is almost never wrong, though the urge I fight

To listen to it, and my decision revise..

In the end, I listen to it, hoping this decision is wise..