Passion…unbridled

Lately I have had some trouble sleeping, precipitated by nights on hospital call. As I was trying to power through clinic in a mostly sleep-deprived state this week, I heard the complaint of insomnia or poor sleep from nearly every patient (Some of it may have to do with the soaring temperatures where even air-conditioning is insufficient)- this poem is about all of us who lie awake at night….

Ah, the curse of life these days

Affecting millions in different ways

Seems to be the inability to sleep

All the ills of the world conspire to keep

People tossing and turning at night

Dreaded insomnia we continuously fight

Is it mental health that feeds insomnia or the other way round

Trapped in a vicious vortex, we all are bound

By our insecurities, anxieties and fears

That lately on an upward swing appear

Pandemic, war, economy, violent crime

Loom large as monsters at the present time

In these tumultuous times we need to find

Solace in small aliquots for our minds

Somehow we need to find much needed sleep

Lack of it can have consequences deep..

*

At the end of a painful or vexing day

I hope restorative sleep drifts your way…

I read.. stories I consume

I gloat over ideas, I savor

I inhale the perfume

I experience the flavors

Of tales wild and true

And outlandish fantasies

Textured, layered ideas I accrue

Vivid words my imagination seize

I take in books like a connoisseur

I feel them using every sense

Reading a book is a metaphor

For a transcendent experience

*

I watch words as vivid scenes they conjure

I hear their noises and mellifluous tones

Their pleasant and odious odors I endure

I touch words- soft as silk or hard as bones

Books I read leave an aftertaste

Sweet, salty, sour, bitter- or a combination

Sometimes completely bland and chaste

Sometimes setting fire to my palate and imagination…

*

Simply put, reading gives me pleasure profound

Deep in a book my salvation is found

(This comes on the heels of the last poem- how a physician moves forward with hope in the midst of despair)

There were a thousand reasons to leave

Myriad annoyances that made me want to cleave

Myself from the profession that had become

My second skin, my identity, the overall sum

Of my strengths and weaknesses, an integral part

Of my capability, my intellect, my mind, my heart..

Except that it was exacting a price rising higher each day

Placing more roadblocks along the way

Distracting me from the essence of what was essential

Leading me towards a crisis existential

When did medicine become an obstacle race

Futile were all the hurdles I had to face

To take care of patients appropriately

The meaningless challenges made me want to flee

I reasoned that other paths I would be able to find

That would not as completely consume my mind…

*

But the grip of medicine was stronger than I thought

It is a calling, merely a vocation it is not

When the meaningless time sinks were shaved away

I realized the real essence of my work was there to stay

No one could take that away from me

That realization finally gave me clarity

The patient-physician relationship that was at the core

Of my profession was enough, I needed nothing more

The thousands of reasons for me to go away

Paled before that most important reason to stay…

*

I’ve faced challenges to be where I am now

To be broken by the system, myself I wouldn’t allow

Through all the challenges I shall forge a path ahead

I’ll ignore the distractions, focus on the crux instead

*

Discarding the thousand justifications to leave

I’ll stay because in the power of my profession I believe

Bit by bit I see chipping away

My once unbridled enthusiasm every day

I want to channel my energies in one place

On my patients, but my cognitive space

Is occupied by umpteen tasks unproductive

I have no more bandwidth left to give

Any more to this hallowed profession

With a heavy heart I make this confession

In documenting information meaningless

In jumping hoops through a convoluted process

In trying to please all those in power above me

I am missing the forest for each imposing tree

I fear what would happen if I no longer cared

For my patients’ well being- some days I worry I am there

I find feelings of sympathy ebbing out of me

How would I be a doctor without empathy?

We believe that to be in control of our destiny

Is the ultimate goal, one that would make us happy

So we try to establish control in any way we can

In a life that has a penchant for not following our plans

If only we tried hard enough, we are told;

We would see our deepest desires unfold

Then live our lives the way we want to

Be able to control our destinies too..

*

That illusion of control, so elusive

Interferes with our ability to peacefully live

When we lose control that we thought

We had, it beings forth an onslaught

Of self-deprecation and loathing intense

By losing semblance of control we lose confidence

And descend into a spiral of unhappiness

Lack of control makes us feel powerless

*

Let me propose this to you, then

To be truly happy, my brethren

One must accept that it is likely

That rarely shall anything under our control be

We deal with the cards life hands to us

In the best way we can, marveling at ways mysterious

In which the world runs, we live life as it unfolds

With all its beauty and ugliness to behold

Her great great great great grandmother did not go to school, you know

Her great great great grandmother was more fortunate though

She learnt to read and write, kept the books, taught her children ABC

Her great great grandmother could go to university

She marched to earn the right to vote snd won

A new era of equality for women had begun..

Her great grandmother lived through adversity

Became the primary breadwinner of the family

During the world war- her grandmother came of age

As women in the workforce started taking centerstage

Her mother has been a role model of independent thought

Who raised her to believe that she could not

Be made to do anything against her will by anyone

She entered the workforce after the “Me Too” movement had begun..

*

When her daughter was born little did she know

The world she lived in would be transformed so

That women’s freedom would be overturned overnight

Her daughter would not even have the right

That her grandmother did, with one stroke of pen

Patriarchy re-established control over women

“Sacrifice” is a sacred term, uttered with reverence

Conjuring images of stoicism and suffering intense

In which one human gives up something of value profound

To benefit other(s), without boasting around..

Ah what an altruistic ideal to aspire to!

“Sacrifice” is the epitome of virtue

For our families, all of us to some extent compromise

That gets elevated to the throne of sacrifice

The word is thrown around for emotional blackmail

“I sacrificed for you, now do as I say” never seems to fail

**

What can truly be called sacrifice

Exacts from the sacrificer a very high price

For our loved ones the compromises we make

Are usually quite minor, not much is at stake

Calling them sacrifices denigrates the word

When nothing earth-shattering has occurred

**

Life calls for compromises often, I agree

But sacrifice is rarely necessary

I have made adjustments in life, admittedly

Without sacrificing what is truly important to me

Sitting in my ivory tower I churn out

Manuscripts on a subject obscure

Of which I am an expert, no doubt

My research is authentic and pure

I write treatises, travel everywhere

On this esoteric topic I expound

To the same group of academics who care

Enough to hear an “expert” renowned

*

There are days when my work appears

Groundbreaking, and important to me

There are other days when I fear

That I’ve lost touch with reality

I’ve toiled hard, narrowed down my field

To reach my level of expertise

In my research arena, influence I wield

In every other sphere, I am ill at ease

*

I worry I would be rendered irrelevant

If I could not publish, perish I would

That had certainly not been my intent

When at these hallowed portals I had first stood

*

The ivory tower makes you climb so high

You lose touch with reality on the ground

Let me descend from the limitless sky

Down to where real wisdom is to be found

Let me apply the knowledge I have gained

Towards practical use, I know it can be done

Among intellectuals I might have reigned

Now there is a harder challenge to be won…

There is much I want, but how do I prioritize?

New distractions constantly arise

In the form of things shiny and bright

Letting my values get out of sight

Suddenly the desire for material things

Becomes stronger, pulls at my purse strings

Making me fall under the dangerous impression

That life would be better with a shiny new possession

Once acquired, the novelty of that object wears off fast

The thrill provided by a highly prized item does not last

Cognitively I understand this fact quite well

But the desire to buy more objects is not quelled..

*

When I think deeply, I do not really want

To acquire bright things, there’s no reason to flaunt

Possessions that are meant just to be used

But I confess my priorities are often confused

I often take pride in things inanimate

Until someone bursts my bubble, and my enthusiasm abates

Then I go back to the abstract values that bring

More meaning to life than shiny new things..

I take a step forward, then hesitate

Am I being impulsive, should I wait?

Conventional wisdom raises its voice

Weigh every option before making a choice

Haste in making a decision is not good

The likely consequences should be understood

Before committing to a decision that can

Be life-altering, there should be a backup plan

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread

Every step should be premeditated in your head..

*

I know rushing headlong into things

Without thinking through, without planning

May be a recipe for disaster, but on the other hand

Life has a knack for not going as planned

So why should I not just close my eyes

And just listen to my heart, and its advice

If my instinct tells me it’s the right thing to do

The challenges ahead it would carry me through..

*

Let me shut out all noise and take a leap

Into uncharted waters that run deep

My heart gives me hope that I shall swim

Even when my chances appear dim

Cross over to the other side, and live to tell

I jumped on intuition, and life turned out well

Do you know what uniformly causes most pain?

It is rising inflation, time and again

No health issue including a global pandemic

Gives you the same feeling of being sick

As watching prices rise every day

Subject to the market forces at play

When each fuel refill costs you much more

Your heart aches for the price you paid before

Now that it’s time to socialize after two years

You have a dwindling bank balance to fear

So partying hard seems like a distant dream

Delayed gratification remains the dominant theme

You wonder why this decade seems to be

Determined to not let you live freely..

*

Each time you open your purse strings

You are annoyed thinking of all the things

That are less affordable, but the feeling goes away fast

As you replay the events of the pandemic years past

Suddenly you are grateful to be alive and well

What you face now is just a lean financial spell

You remind yourself that you still have enough

You can keep going though the going is tough

The idea for this poem came from a discussion among friends living (and practicing as doctors) in different countries, struggling with being politically correct while talking about sensitive issues such as gender, race, size etc.

Traditional terminology has now been obsolete made

So can I still call a spade a spade?

*

I am asking, because it’s not my intent

To hurt unknowingly, anyone’s sentiments

I grew up in a world with labels countless

But since then the world has made progress

Such that the adjectives traditionally used

May be (mis)construed as abuse..

*

Freedom of expression is necessary

Nothing’s black and white or binary

Free speech has to be filtered through

A sieve of politically correct voodoo

Anything other than the most liberal point of view

Is subject to not just ridicule but cancellation too

*

It has become necessary to be hyperaware

To discrimination, to tread with utmost care

Lest a forbidden word make its way

Into your speech some fateful day

Your words that come from thoughts innocuous

Could be interpreted as representing a bias unconscious..

*

Then I remind myself that in a changing world

We are continuously changing words

The rigidity of the past has to be discarded

For the erstwhile “outliers” to be “normal” regarded

Change is hard, and seems imposed on me

But that is how we grow collectively..

*

So, in a nutshell, this conclusion I have reached

I shall incorporate the new term for “spade” in my speech