Passion…unbridled

Is it possible for me just to be?

To do what I am doing, from expectations free

To savor life’s moments as an observer passive

Not try to change them, just breathe and live…

*

No, I am not trying to be a robot or a machine

But to try to constantly meet expectations I am not keen

The conditioning that I have to continuously strive

To improve myself is not helping me thrive…

*

There are so many expectations from me

Some imposed by myself, some by society

It’s exhausting to try to meet them every day

I still don’t feel like I’m progressing anyway..

*

So can I, just for a short period, simply exist?

Not put on a facade, not make an effort, but subsist

On the existing traits and skills I possess

Not try to run after narrowly defined, elusive success?

Do what I can but not try to please those around me

In solitude, search my soul for my true identity..

Energy stays constant, you know

On a bed of ashes, new life will grow

From each fire, a phoenix will rise

Sometimes take you by surprise

To witness transformation profound

Thus the circle of life goes around

*

What burns vigorously, rises up high

Infused with lightness, into the sky

Rejoins the world in a different way..

If the world around you is burning today

Look for opportunities to transform

Let the ashes take a new form

Channel that energy towards progress

Let the phoenix rise in success

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!”

– If by Rudyard Kipling

Time is precious- this is the message drilled in me

A resource not to be squandered frivolously

So I’ve been conditioned to use every hour spent awake

Towards productive tasks, to keep every break

Reasonably short, in fact to fill my breaks wisely too

In getting some exercise or completing a mindless task or two

Sleep only as much as I absolutely need

Multitask as much as possible indeed..

To harness the power of time, and not let it reign

Over my life-I must stay productive AND sane…

*

The result is that I feel uncomfortable

Being idle, I am completely unable

To do nothing, I feel a guilt profound

I simply cannot wrap my head around

Being alone with my thoughts, I confess

I find myself anxious and restless…

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say

When I’m idle, I have to push unseemly thoughts away..

*

So I was afraid of not having anything to do

I filled up my day, according to this view

Pushing past exhaustion, day after day

But feeling less fulfilled in every way

Until I happened to take a vacation to a place

That was off the grid, disconnected, I had to face

Unscheduled time, with resources few

I could not think of many things to do

Except spend time in nature with my thoughts

At first I found myself somewhat distraught

But over the next few days, I relaxed considerably

And my unscheduled life became heavenly…

Those non-productive days helped me reorient

Reorganize and prioritize things that were relevant

I returned from vacation, quite energized

Into high quality work I was promptly galvanized

*

There is virtue in work and virtue in rest

A balance of both brings out the best!

I shall admit this blatantly

I worry almost constantly

If something is going well I obsess

Over its deterioration, I confess

If things are bad, my mind takes me

To the worst case scenario automatically

If things are deteriorating quickly

I’m already living through a catastrophe..

*

Knowing well this is not good for me

I’ve tried different methods to break free

From the anxiety that clouds my mind

One day an intriguing solution I did find

To set aside each day, a finite time to worry-

To deal with stressors real and imaginary

*

This piqued my interest, so I tried

To place all my worries aside

And be as productive as I could be

During the period I was “worry-free”

In the evening “worry time” I found

Gathered all my worries around

Obsessed over them like I would always do

Transitioned to a restful sleep when I was through

*

I schedule time to worry each day

Imagine everything going wrong in every way

Then remind myself that things are quite all right

I take a deep breath and settle down for the night..

How do I go about trying to find

Therapy for my neurotic mind

There is no therapist who would spare

Hours listening to me as I share

My innumerable problems, imagined and real

Someone with an hour long slot would not be ideal..

*

So I research solitary ways to get therapy

Art therapy, bibliotherapy, writing therapy- exist evidently

I try each one to see how they turn out

They all are helpful without a doubt

The caveat being one, and only one

You require, in the task involved, complete immersion

*

I can read, write, paint but I need

To give it my complete focus indeed

To eventually enter the state of flow

And witness all fears and anxieties go

Out of the window, as there is no space

In my mind beyond the task that I face

When the task is completed the endorphins released

From being in the flow leave my mind at ease..

*

Whatever the endeavor, whatever the result at the end

To enter the state of flow is what I intend

When the mind attains a focus laser-sharp

And time lies suspended as if in a warp ..

Unfortunately we were taught

To learn by rote, independent thought

Was discouraged back then

Therefore perceptive, curious children

Never had a chance to question the status quo

It was important to conform and go with the flow

*

These days we encourage innovation

We try to provide children motivation

To think outside the box, color outside the lines

Meaning they can explore a bit outside the confines

Of standards previously decided, but not deviate

Significantly from the established state

*

Creativity and innovation, however, should be

Able to expand without constraints, infinitely

Maybe erase all boxes and lines now

Such that creative thinking we allow

To be limitless, expand in every direction

Let the extent of our thoughts be the reflection

Of the boundless universe that we live in

Let an era of unbiased, independent thinkers begin..

I was ordinary, with no skill to claim

No field in which I could excel, or make a name

I went about daily life in a fashion predictable

Without any sense of adventure detectable

I checked off all boxes for a suburban life, I guess

You’d think I had the usual trappings of success..

*

I longed to break free from this mould

I desired to venture into doing something bold

Something that gave me a flavor, that’s all-

Of being extraordinary, just something small

Something unique that I could do

Would get recognized for it too…

Just one little thing that would set me apart

Something in which I would pour my mind and heart…

*

I felt ordinary, because I thought I went

Unnoticed by coworkers, family and friends

Instead of looking within me I was trying to find

External validation to comfort my mind

*

Instead of doing something extraordinary

I needed to introspect in a manner solitary

To find answers to why I felt this way

I was comparing myself to others each day

Without realizing it, I was trying to mimic

Others, while being my own critic

*

I must say it has been a work in progress

I do what I can, while enjoying the process

The only person I try to compare myself with today

Is the person that I was, in the past, yesterday..

I may be ordinary, but when over time I see

I know I’ve made progress extraordinary!

I did not know what was at stake

I did not know how much would break

When I bent my principles, thinking it would be

The first and the last time for me

It was an exceptional circumstances, I explained away

The rationale to myself that particular day…

I did not realize that sinister the consequence would be

The thrill of doing something slightly wrong energized me

From there it was a slope increasingly slippery

I bent, then broke, my principles repeatedly..

My conscience grumbled but was ignored

Until I could feel hesitation no more…

*

My principles I broke, and here I am today

A broken human being, I have lost my way

The path of dishonesty that I ended up taking

Has destroyed me, led me to this hell of my making

The steps back to a principled life are steep

But I can only climb up, from this trench deep..

Words, spoken, whispered, written, everywhere

You listen, you read, language does not care

Whether your soul can process it all

The words, like a thunderous waterfall…

Fall on the deaf ears of your troubled soul

Silence, not noise, shall make it whole

Stop the flow of words, be silent and witness

Your luminous soul come alive in the process

Let silence speak louder, let silence heal

Those deep wounds you have been reluctant to feel

Celebrate this silence in a world with words saturated

In silence is the seed from the chaff separated

“Until the lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter.”

– African Proverb

I speak for the silent, or the silenced

I represent them with a desire intense

I speak on behalf of those who have been

Made to stay in the shadows, unseen

To work behind the scenes, toil without a sound

Create abundance from scarcity around

Abundance for others, while they stay

From all manner of opulence, far away

I speak for all those faceless women and men

Who build the material world, but lie forgotten..

*

I am the voice of the oppressed

That reverberates with anger suppressed

I am the story that begs to be shared

Urgently, fervently, acutely aware

Of its morbid nature, unvarnished

But I resist any form of garnish

Let the story be rewritten and retold

In language unapologetic and bold

Erase the victor’s dominant narrative

Telling the victim’s story is imperative..

You are a doctor and you should be

Of being apolitical, an epitome

Politics is divisive but you have to be

Impartial in your treatment obviously…

*

This is what I had always heard

That is why I had always preferred

To pay minimal attention to polarized news

I did not want to develop biased views

That could hamper my practice of medicine-

It was the dictum I sincerely believed in..

*

Of course such naïveté can not be maintained

When health care issues are with politics stained

Healthcare access, medications, freedom reproductive

Are all intertwined with politics, one cannot live

In oblivion of prevailing political will

Doing your job can become a task uphill

Fraught with danger if you happen to be

Practicing in the wrong state apparently…

*

Oh I long to be able to say

I am apolitical in every way

How I do my job is never going to be

Dictated by a non-healthcare professional to me

But that ideal world does not exist anymore

What is political is personal, and professional, for sure

I know what mindfulness is, in theory

I must experience every moment in all its glory

So I would love to savor my morning cup of coffee

Inhale the aroma, feel warmth coursing through me

As I sip on my hot beverage at a luxurious pace

How I would love to do that, but reality I must face

The clock is ticking, and time is unforgiving

Punctuality is paramount in the life I am living

Therefore I multitask, swallow my coffee mindlessly

Hoping by the time I begin work I’m caffeinated adequately..

Needless to say, mindfulness at breakfast is a pipe dream

There isn’t enough time to eat a meal, it does seem

*

Next comes work, where I think I can be

Focused on my tasks, tackle them mindfully

I try to immerse myself fully but cannot do so

As distractions (e-mails, texts and calls) interrupt my flow

There are rare days that without interruptions proceed

Making me feel like at mindful practice I can succeed

Lunch hour again rushes by too fast

The illusion of mindfulness through this time does not last

*

Finally home at the end of the day

I slow down, hoping I would make my way

To practicing mindfulness- as I reflect

On the day gone by, and introspect

Many different thoughts start competing for my attention

I can no longer be mindful despite my intentions..

*

As I come to the end of this verse

I realize I have found in the universe

A slice of mindfulness, because in writing my thoughts

My mind has been focused, not wandered a lot…

So maybe my share of mindfulness I can find

In writing, as I engage my body, soul and mind