Passion…unbridled

While inwardly I am perturbed and I seethe

With discontentment, I must remind myself to just breathe…

*

When you get overwhelmed you take

Shallow fast breaths, you can break

The cycle of worsening anxiety and discomfort

By taking a deep, slow breath- it does not hurt

To get more air into your lungs, the effect instantaneous

Is that of a sense of calm, your breath comes into focus

Once you have taken a long, deep, satisfying breath, your mind

Regains its sharpness, more clarity of thought you find

*

We breathe in and out, throughout our lives

As a reflex, but the beauty of breathing lies

In being able to slow it down and experience

It fully, engaging each and every sense

Think of how fascinating it is that some control you possess

Over your breathing, you can control other bodily mechanisms much less

Your heart rate you cannot slow down at will

But by taking deep and slow breaths you can slow your heartbeat still..

*

Take a deep breath, whenever you are faced

With a challenging situation, and embrace

The calmness that you feel deep inside

Now the next step you are free to decide

*

I took a deep breath, my frustration level

fell

Now on the rest of issues bothering me I can dwell

I was angry and now I am repentant

The moment of anger came and went

I managed to say something hurtful in the heat

And even if similar behavior I were to never repeat

Probably permanent damage I have done

Is there a way forgiveness can be won?

*

Words cannot ever be taken back

I was angry and judgment I then lacked

I can make a thousand excuses for being frustrated

Try to manage anger better but I feel devastated

At this moment thinking about what I said

Worst case scenarios are playing out in my head..

*

I made a mistake and I intend to apologize

But I have sunk further in my own eyes

Each time I slip up it is harder for me to forgive

My own self, with increasing guilt I live

*

Let me try to pray, or perhaps meditate

In this conflict my own inner voice has to mediate…

I have to work on self-perception some more

So I do not repeat the angry outburst I displayed before

I am not the first person to have this desire

To leave a legacy through which one continues to inspire

Younger generations, to try to leave a footprint, however small

On the world, to leave something one can call

Unique to that person- a work of literature or art

Or music that touches innumerable hearts..

*

I am not likely to produce something profound

But I would like to weave my thoughts around

Into verses for my progeny to discover one day

(I doubt they would but I fantasize about it anyway)

*

This us wishful thinking, and I hopebesides,

That I have more time to formulate my legacy on my side

Let me just write, the fruits of my labor

Are not intended to be there for me to savor…

Aging is not uniform, scientists have found

This to me is a revelation profound

At two specific ages, people experience

Accelerated effects of senescence

Since near one of those ages I happen to be

Can I blame my issues on an aging machinery?

*

Slower metabolism, greater intolerance

I now witness to excessive indulgence

Less calories and more sleep I need

I retain less than a tenth of what I read

Aching joints tell me something is altered in me

I am on the fast track to aging evidently..

*

Once I get through this year I should achieve

A steady state, if the study I were to believe

Until the second wave of aging comes my way

But that one is a decade and a half away

I think it is time for me to not disregard

My body’s signals- or else aging might hit me hard

Let me try to slow down just a bit to keep pace

With my “aging” body and find a comfortable place

Between the Epicurean delights of youth

And of the twilight years’ chaste pursuits

Some days the weight of the world appears

Too much to handle, I get wrapped up in anxieties and fears

Such days seem to last for a while, and nothing helps much

The effect of hormones on my mood is such

That in the premenstrual phase the all-pervading emotion

Is that of negativity, unhealthy food cravings and depression

I start thinking that I am losing my mind

When in the throes of agony myself I find

The emotional discomfort is replaced

As the physical pain of dysmenorrhea comes to surface

The gloominess of premenstrual phase washes away

And the inconvenience of cramps and bleeding occupies the next few days

*

Finally I get to breathe a little as my period comes to an end

I reach my normal baseline, where I can extend

Myself further, get something done

For the next ten or so days, leading up to ovulation

Then the shadow of premenstrual gloom starts lurking again

Restarting the cycle of emotional lability and physical pain

*

I don’t mean to cry but it seems I’m only allowed

Two good weeks in a month- I should actually be proud

That I still manage to pull myself through

Bad weeks- after all there is nothing else I can do..

*

The world is run by men and does not take into consideration

The reality of a woman’s hormonal fluctuations

If women ran the world, our productive hours would probably

Follow our biological clocks to allow greater efficiency

*

As life stands today, I just shrug my shoulders and self-medicate

So that the effects of hormones on my work life I can mitigate

Being doubtful is often perceived

As a character flaw, it is widely believed

That it is of the upmost importance

In all interactions to project confidence

Confidence is also supposed to be commensurate

With knowledge and experience, so people invariably equate

Expression of doubtfulness with a knowledge deficit

Freely acknowledging your doubts does not well with most people sit

*

It is neither feasible nor necessary to know

Everything well, therefore if your decision-making shows

The doubts that you have, it indicates

That you are diligently trying to evaluate

A problem from every possible aspect

To have every answer is not what you expect

You express your doubts and then try to find

Answers to the questions that you have in mind

But if you were to project confidence constant

You would ignore the doubts that are present

*

I know I have doubts more often than not

I stop to troubleshoot them a lot

The flip side is that I never confident appear

I feel I am always slowed down by fear

But let me be safe rather than sorry

Let me clarify my doubts than spend time in worry

Often I have to try to comprehend

Complex concepts in order to extend

My knowledge and skill-set in my profession

I find it daunting, in true confession

I spend time and effort trying to simplify

Big concepts into smaller chunks, to solidify

My understanding of topics complicated

Usually it takes longer than estimated

But once the concept is crystal clear to me

I experience simultaneous relief and ecstasy

I can now capable of explaining it to anyone

I feel like a victory I have won

*

It is rewarding to be able to understand

A subject well, to be able to explain firsthand

A complicated topic in a manner simplistic

There is something inexplicably artistic

About deconstructing a complex subject

And describing each individual aspect

In such a way that you get someone

To comprehend it despite having prior knowledge none..

It is a deeply personal regret that I share

As time goes by I am increasingly aware

That there is nothing consequential I might be able to leave

Behind me, there was a time when I did believe

I had something to offer the world that was valuable

I had something unique I could bring to the table

But as the years keep rolling by my life increasingly appears

Insignificant and inconsequential, I fear

That at the end, it would be an insipid life lived

And nothing meaningful to the world I would have been able to give..

*

What service I can provide to the world, I’m trying to explore

I have my primary vocation but I want to do something more

What exactly I should do, is a question that has become

Existential at this time, I have ideas none..

*

Let me just put my head down and concentrate

On the daily responsibilities I already have on my plate

If nothing else, I hope I can exemplify

The value of doing honest day to day work under the sky

Such sophisticated systems around

Like a house of cards fell down

In the face of a natural disaster unanticipated

The fragility of our systems we had underestimated..

All of our man-made systems are so designed

That they are inextricably intertwined

Working in such a well-orchestrated way

That we take them for granted every day

But the hurricane has made us painfully aware

That one disaster is enough to impair

Life as we know it, life as we expect to lead

Electricity and telecommunication we ubiquitously need..

*

The limits of our vulnerability have been tested again

In the aftermath of the devastating hurricane

As more natural disasters in the near future we witness

We would need to rethink and redesign each process

In a decentralized manner, with multiple safety nets in mind

As climate change continues to challenge the ingenuity of humankind

Whenever swayed by emotion myself I find

Let common sense and logic rescue my mind..

*

It is hard to separate truth from lies

Parse reality from accounts fictionalized

Not give in to rhetoric that is crafted carefully

To stoke your feelings of insecurity

It is easy to believe what fits well

Into your own worldview, not having to dwell

On the unsettling truth that someone else might be right

You do not want to accept you’re wrong without putting up a fight

*

Giving in to your emotions makes you ignore

The logical part of your brain for sure

Rational thinking takes a backseat

When you react in the moment’s heat

*

Once you set your emotions aside, you begin to see

Problems and issues more logically

That is the point I hope I reach fast

I hope the effect of emotions on my mind does not last

What would happen if I were to say

I could not do this anymore, and walk away

From the career I had spent so long to build

Deviate from the values that had in me been drilled

That told me to never give up in the face of adversity

To fight with conviction until there was no fight left in me..

*

What would happen if I were to swallow my pride

And admit that my impending burnout had made me decide

To leave the career in which I had invested

My time, sweat and tears, from which I had expected

Some reward in the form of self-fulfillment

For it to consume me was never the intent..

*

What would happen if one day I were to declare

That enough was enough, I could not sacrifice self-care

At the altar of work day after day, without an end in sight

That I was tired of the never-ending fight

Between work and a reasonable life outside

I was exhausted from trying to bridge the divide

*

None of these fantasies is likely to come true

Walking away from my career would be an impossible thing to do

Because I am not yet at the point of no return

There is much I need to experience and learn

(relating to or denoting any disease or condition which arises spontaneously or for which the cause is unknown- from Oxford Dictionary)

The term that as a physician most disconcerting I find

Is “idiopathic”- to confess that something is unexplained, in my mind

Seems like a poor excuse, science has advanced a lot

In understanding mechanisms behind diseases, it does not

Feel appropriate to give a pseudoscientific euphemism to me

To something that is understood incompletely

*

I am heartened to state that in my field of specialization

We now have actual diagnoses for several “idiopathic” conditions

There is nothing that I love more than replacing the term

With a more accurate description, it does affirm

My faith in the spirit of scientific inquiry that does not take

Unknown for an explanation, that is a philosophy archaic

I drop the word “idiopathic” where the mechanism is truly unclear

With plans to add the right term as an explanation appears

*

The word idiopathic was probably coined to appeal

To the egos of scientists and physicians who were reluctant to reveal

Their ignorance- to phrase it in a scientific sounding way

Was the best they could probably come up with, back in the day

But the true spirit of science lies in being able to acknowledge

The extent and limitations of current knowledge

While striving to find answers to the human body’s mysteries

In that spirit, the term idiopathic from my medical vocabulary I release