Hard as it is, I am compelled to say
Everything I had managed to keep hidden to this day
**
Behind a beguiling smile it was much easier to hide
Than to display the tsunami raging inside
Who had the time, who would have understood me
In a world where perception is considered reality..
Benumbed I lumbered from day to day
Existing- ghostlike, not living in any meaningful way..
The world..closing around my throat
Drowning, just drowning in a deep dark moat..
Living in a body that was struggling to survive
With a mind that wanted to stop being alive..
**
The days went on, off my tongue excuses flew
I said I was exhausted, there was too much to do
I stuck to ailments, or ailments stuck to me
Acknowledging physical pain was easier, definitely
Aimless, directionless, hopeless, I drifted further away
Deeper I sank into the black hole of depression each day
**
When life seemed like a burden too heavy to bear
When I was at the point I did not really care
When jumping off the proverbial cliff appeared
To be the only solution to my pain, destiny interfered….
**
That day I was going to jump off a bridge and die
It was a gloomy day, rain poured from the sky
What rescued me was my lifelong disdain
Of getting drenched in the falling rain-
I took refuge in a church nearby
And decided to pray before I could die
I tried to pray but in my benumbed state
No coherent prayer could my mind formulate
Just then I heard a gentle voice asking me
If I had something to confess- it would unburden me
This was a sign from above, and all of a sudden
A deluge opened up, and out poured the hidden
Feelings of despair, depression, hopelessness
The kind priest listened, and understood my distress
Instead of the bridge, to a hospital I was headed
Despite my depression, this was the one place I dreaded
If people knew I was mentally ill, how would they react
Even in my despair I could not bear the ignominy of that..
Yet I surrendered to the priest who accompanied me
I got treated, got the resources I needed desperately
**
The struggle has not completely gone away
But I am much better than I was, today
One empathetic ear became my lifeline
I consider this intervention divine
Sometimes the difference between
Life and untimely death could mean
Just one person ready to lend an ear
Someone you can confide in without any fear
**
Today I sit, on the other side
Lending an ear to someone contemplating suicide
I volunteer for a suicide prevention hotline
With this, a purpose I’ve been able to find..
(This poem was prompted by the untimely death by suicide of a young talented Indian actor.)
Passion...unbridled 