Passion…unbridled

The virtues of orderliness have been

Impressed upon me forever, therefore I lean

Towards striving to tidy up spaces that I inhabit

Try to follow Marie Kondo’s advice, but it does not sit

Well with my disorderly tendencies innate

My stuff rearranges itself in a more entropic state

My desk, my room, my thoughts and moods can

Best be described as messy- my carefully crafted plans

Seldom see the light of the day; instead

Ideas that pop up randomly in my head

Get me excited and in action galvanized

Thus they are much more often realized

My cluttered desk, while not pleasing to the eye

Allows me to look at discarded projects afresh, that’s why

Leaving papers on the desk haphazardly

Is conducive to my thinking and creativity..

**

Tidy, clean, sanitized, decluttered,plain

In theory that’s the benchmark I try to attain

But if you ask whether joy that sparks in me

The truthful answer is not really..

I’d rather be messy, with creativity intact

Than be a slave to methodical order infact.

Growing up I had always heard

“It’s not that simple”… simple seemed a word

That denoted something too ordinary, too crass

Complexity was somehow associated with class

I was taught to use difficult words to appear erudite

To display gravitas, not be perceived a neophyte

Whether in art, literature, geometry or science

The real meaning was hidden between the lines

So what I understood at first was too simplistic

A deeper dive was needed, the world was made for a mystic

Or so it seemed- thus the lesson that I in childhood imbibed

Was that everything of importance had a complex vibe…

**

Now I am older, with experiences varied

From preconceived notions, I want myself freed

The more I understand the world, the more I realize

To simplify things is the way of the wise..

Complex operations broken down into parts

Speeches rendered in simple words that touch many hearts

A complicated equation using simple methods solved

From pompous complexity to simplicity- my perspective has evolved

Complicated recipes using ingredients galore

With flavors jostling for space, do not interest me anymore

Give me a simple meal composed of ingredients few

Where I can discern the meal’s composition too

Cleverly written stories with convoluted plots

Could be interesting to some, to me they are not..

Give me a simple yarn, a fable, any day

An ordinary story that teaches a lesson along the way

And who cares if I appear erudite

When my captive audience is my young child who wide-eyed

Listens to me expound on topics myriad

If he did not understand me, that would be sad..

Thus to make everything simple for him is my goal

I thoroughly enjoy this reversal of role

**

Once I had viewed complexity as a virtue

Now I profess simplicity for me and you…

To cross every T and dot every I

Is my goal for each day, and I try

My best to leave that pesky inbox

Of my work tasks empty, that’s my detox

For each day- so that when I leave

My workplace, I am able to cleave

My life into two separate domains-

Work and home- never shall meet the twain

There is something cathartic, I find

Something that energizes my mind

When I see an empty inbox before me

Completing work on time simply sets me free

*

If I leave tasks pending for the next day

I find that the baggage tends to stay

With me even at home, robbing me

Of mindful moments I can spend with my family

I know the question arises here

Do I stay late at work to adhere

To my desire of achieving completion each day

Yes, I do sometimes, yet I must say

In the grand scheme of things I save time

Because I work when my productivity is prime

*

I have come a step closer to achieve

The elusive work-life balance, I believe!

During the COVID-19 pandemic, most hospitals have been forced to adopt a no-visitation policy for patients to mitigate spread. Additionally, to reduce exposure to staff and to preserve PPE, many healthcare workers are also forced to reduce/limit time spent in patient rooms. Many COVID patients are struggling alone in their rooms. This poem is written from the perspective of a physician who witnesses a patient struggling to breathe, alone in his room.

I am here before you, under layers

I know to you it is not fair

To have to strain to understand what I have to say

When you are straining hard to breathe anyway

I know the non-rebreather mask and the oxygen at high flow

Make it impossible to communicate, and so

I am literally trying to scream beneath my mask and face shield

You don’t understand a word I say, I believe

Anxious, afraid, isolated and struggling to get a breath adequate

You are in an impossibly vulnerable state

Your loved ones you can barely see

On FaceTime, amid all this gadgetry

Besides, you don’t want to see them upset

At how you struggle with every breath…

I started out planning to spend as few minutes as I could

In your room, to decrease my exposure as I should

I can still make good clinical decisions if I prioritize

Spending less time in a COVID room with virus aerosolized

Reducing my exposure, but on a human level it would be

To leave a patient in discomfort, a travesty

So still under full PPE, I take a step closer to you

Hold your hand, try my best to listen too

To your concerns, articulated between anxious breaths

I try to comfort you, your anxiety I try to whet

When you nod in comprehension, believe me it’s true

I feel a sense of accomplishment too..

I leave your room hoping the time I spent

Would be worth every extra second

This pandemic has taken so much away

We have to find solace in something every day

I was going about dissatisfied with myself. I must say

At leaving patients alone, in distress every day

The simple act of touching my patient and spending minutes few

Hopefully helped him, made me feel better too

When I reflect on what the pandemic has done

One of the worst things seems to be the isolation

To be alone when you are sick, afraid, in an environment unfamiliar

Is a torture inflicted by this pandemic severe

Even if it is under layers of protective gear

If a little proximity can allay my patient’s fear

I am willing to do it, setting my fear aside

At least I would know that I tried..

Not that the beginning of the year follows a pattern

Even when we for new beginnings yearn

But this year has started on notes so grim

Statistics revealing hospitals full to the brim

Human suffering raging at levels unprecedented

In so many ways has COVID upended

The fabric of normal lives worldwide–

As we wait for something (?vaccination) to turn the tide

The usual New Year resolutions this January first we see few

We know now the best laid plans can go askew

Normally with high hopes we start each year

But in 2021 one thing seems clear

Our expectations are minimal to none, we start

The year from rock bottom- so in my heart

I believe that things can only get better now

I pray for salvation, and with some trepidation allow

Hope to enter my mind and dispel fear

There is nothing else I want from life this year…

I hear this on a routine basis in treating patients with chronic illnesses- “Doc, I have good days and bad days.” This post celebrates all those people bearing the burden of chronic illnesses who live each day choosing happiness and gratitude.

I recall clearly the day the diagnosis was made

That clear memory can never fade

It was a divisive event, of the kind binary

That divides into before and after your life trajectory

Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at first appeared

A realization of my worst fears

It felt like a life sentence, I won’t lie

Like my wings were clipped while soaring high

After the initial shock there were some relief

For months, unexplained symptoms had given me grief

Now my illness had a name and I could start

The process of healing, in my body, mind and heart..

**

You might think I’m deliberately trying to be

Positive in my outlook, show that I am happy

When I say that the illness has been a blessing in disguise

While aging my body, it has also made me wise

You know, with a chronic illness you wake up each day

Not knowing the curveballs that might come your way

Good days and bad days there always are

So you keep your expectations subpar

Reminding you to treat yourself with kindness

On days that are bad, take the opportunity to rest

While good days are to be celebrated

By accomplishing tasks and being elated

At the high energy levels that endorphins release

Knowing they wouldn’t last, though time you’d rather freeze

**

And when you see-saw between pain and its absence

You tend to view the world through a different lens

You cultivate gratitude- for things could be worse

If not a blessing, it’s not really a curse

Because what does not kill you, actually

Makes you stronger- I wholeheartedly agree

When perspective shifts and expectations are lowered

Happiness and contentment result, take my word..

Something just feels so right this week

Rays of hope have brightened the landscape bleak

After months of despair clouding the sky

Silver linings are here, and I cannot lie

That for the first time in many months now

Fear seems to be fading- I can finally allow

Hope to fill my heart as I display with pride

The vaccine shot that shows mankind’s stride

In taking back control from the virus that had brought

Misery to all of us, in ways we had not thought

Now human ingenuity and science have prevailed

Our ability to conquer every war has been unveiled

It is time to reclaim our lives, our freedom

Audaciously I claim the pandemic we shall soon overcome..

Sometimes it takes a crisis to reveal

What you have painfully suppressed, you no longer feel

I had made loneliness my companion

I did not care if I was shunned

By neighbors, distant relatives, and such

I had convinced myself that I did not need people much

Of course I did not have a stellar reputation

I was a cranky old woman, I tell you without hesitation

When the COVID crisis hit, we went into lockdown

I thought I could manage, without help around

But an old woman like me has unforeseen needs

I did find it difficult to solve problems online indeed

Still, I was determined to prove that I could survive

On my own, without venturing out, or being able to drive

*

One day I heard a persistent knock on the door

Annoyed, I opened it to see someone I had not met before

A young woman (in her twenties) started to ask

Me a question- I interrupted, telling her to adjust her mask

I was irritated, I disdainfully thought

The basics of COVID prevention these youngsters knew not

She apologized, saying senior citizens she was trying to assist

In running errands, buying groceries so they could subsist

During these trying times- but of course I sent her away

Undeterred, however, she returned another day

This time her mask was in its proper place

And she carefully maintained six foot space

She asked even more politely if something she could get for me

I was down to last rations, so quite reluctantly

I handed her a list of things that I required

I did not know that day, but a lifeline I had acquired

*

She quickly became a frequent visitor and I found

Myself waiting eagerly for her to come around

We became friends despite four decades between us

I had help that I needed, her companionship was a plus

She could not travel back to her parents either

And I sort of became her Godmother

*

The pandemic hit people hard, and unfortunately

She lost her job, with no option she could see

To stay in this city- back to her parents she went

Leaving behind fond memories of the time together we spent

Months later, we keep in regular touch

From each other we still learn much

The pandemic is ugly but this was the spark

I needed, a ray of light in the dark!

We are taught to be polite, right from childhood

There are things we don’t say out loud that we could

Because unfiltered thoughts are like cannons loose

Therefore our words we must carefully choose

Just because someone expresses an opinion different

We seldom protest outright in a tone vehement

Personal interactions are usually in civility cloaked

Otherwise fires would constantly be stoked..

**

Enter the world of social media where it appears

Norms of behavior change, there seems no hesitation or fear

In using language sharply negative, inflammatory and strong

Filters are discarded, and what would appear wrong

In polite conversation is out there for everyone to see

Reflecting our prejudices, opinions, bigotry

Why is it so much easier to tweet or post

Negative words that would not be uttered by most

Polarization becomes so painfully evident

When one reads through various posts and comments

These days when interaction on social media has replaced

In-person interaction to a greater extent, we are faced

With the need to remind ourselves of etiquette that we’ve learnt before

What should not be said out loud should not therefore

Be shared in social media spaces for all to see

And stay suspended in cyberspace indefinitely..

**

Writing this verse has reinforced that I should

Treat others on the web as in person I would..

That idea never entered my mind

After all, my life was defined

By the mantra, you can do it all

Reach the glass ceiling, break every wall..

The idea that this could be a lie

The idea that the bar could be set unreasonably high

Was outside my sphere of comprehension

I would do it all, it was my intention

*

Despite roadblocks along the way

Nothing in the world would let me sway

Away from the path that quite frankly appeared

To be the only one, nothing else was feasible, I feared

So I played by the rulebook, doing everything right

Good grades, good college, good ethics, the goal in sight

*

As time went by responsibilities grew

Raising a family in the suburbs was a challenge new

Juggling a career where I hoped to make a mark

While caring for the home was no walk in the park

To succeed at work I had to pretend I did not

Have childcare responsibilities, even as I sought

To raise my children by modern parenting guidelines

With supervision at every level, paying attention to details fine

Healthy snacks, enrollment in activities, involvement

In PTA activities, fundraisers, school projects- all this meant

A never-ending race against energy and time

While dealing with subtle signs of age-related decline

That had to be minimized or hidden at every cost-

With make-up, hair color, exercise- meaning more time lost

In doing busywork, leaving no time to spare

To think, indulge or relax, or practice self-care

*

Then there was the omnipresent social media ostentation

That I could not ignore- the pinterest faces of self-promotion

That seemed to show that there were women like me

Who had it all pulled together, quite neatly

*

I wonder if it’s only partially true

That women can do it all-yes they can do

All the things I have mentioned, just not all together

Given time and space, any storm they can weather

It is time to demolish the myth once and for all

Let hard-working mothers take charge, before they fall

Armed with my oven, instant pot, microwave

Three dishes cooking at once- thinking of the time I can save

I pat myself on my back, now it is time

To listen to a podcast as I chop vegetables fine

Trying to learn something new while I cook several meals

This is multitasking at its finest, what’s the big deal?

Vegetables chopped, oil heated, left to cook on slow flame

Different timers beep, and the noise I blame

For distracting me from my podcast as I remove

Food from respective containers, I need to move

Fast to prevent the stuff on stovetop from burning

All this while about mindfulness I am learning

Children come running in from playing outside

Ravenous as ever, I take a detour to provide

Crepes freshly prepared on the griddle

While children talk loudly and with gadgets fiddle

Still juggling food preparation, clean-up and such

I manage to scarf down my meal, not enjoying it much

Despite it being a favorite dish of mine

To sit and savor food- that’s left for another time

Rewind the podcast because I missed most of it

As I load the dishwasher, wondering when I can sit..

Children need help with homework, I divert my attention

To helping them, it takes some time to achieve comprehension

Of the help that is needed, by now forgotten lies

My podcast, there is no time to listen to advice

Regarding mindfulness, when my mind is occupied

In multiple directions, I just go mindlessly along for the ride

As I wind down in the kitchen I hear the cell phone ring

Oh I am on call for my patients; so dropping everything

I make a beeline to answer the phone with hands dough-smeared

I am lucky, the reason for call is simpler than I feared…

*

The day ends in a blur, I am still relieved

At having accomplished multiple tasks, I believe

That multitasking is a skill that I am improving upon

Yet I wonder where the minutes and hours have gone

Remember my original goal was to learn more

About mindfulness- that was the last thing I could explore

Today- the day was spent as mindlessly as could be

Under the guise of multitasking efficiently

As I drift off to sleep, these words from the podcast I hear-

Multitasking is a myth- the message resonates loud and clear