Passion…unbridled

My life seems to be a continuing exercise

In finding calm amid chaos, to crystallize

Into something concrete every positive emotion

To find quietude in the midst of commotion..

*

In a typical day of rushing between patients, I try

To focus on the genuine human interactions that remind me why

I am privileged to practice medicine, despite the increasing hurdles we face

Such moments of clarity allow me to embrace

The chaotic nature of the work that I do

When things seem out of control, they help me power through

*

Each morning it seems I am galvanized

In a flurry of activity, trying to stay organized

In a time crunch is no ordinary task for me

And in the midst of multitasking, albeit inefficiently

When my son interrupts me to share something he is excited about

I pause, and listen-it is the best grounding exercise without doubt

*

Life is fast-paced and chaotic, but I must find

Moments to center myself, and calm my hyperactive mind

Since last year, it seems every few months, upwards we raise our eyes

To watch something we had not seen before in our regions, in the night skies

The skies turn scintillating shades of purple, pink and green

Presenting to us some awe-inspiring scenes..

Without traveling to arctic lands we have been able to see

The spectacular aurora borealis not infrequently

*

Coronal mass ejections and solar flares-

Of these phenomena I was not aware

Until a year ago when the Northern Lights first appeared

In my backyard in a Southern state, it was indeed weird

To see such a spectacle out of the blue

Apparently it can happen at my current latitude too..

*

Each time I see the aurora I am reminded of the vastness

Of the universe, its wonders never cease to impress

Both scientific mind and my artistic soul

To never miss the aurora in my backyard is my goal

My phone buzzes with another electronic medical record notification

And in a twisted form of instant gratification

I drop what I am doing to attend to the matter “urgent”

To solve the issue or give a reply quickly is my intent

I chase similar urgencies basically all day

Letting them interrupt me during work and play..

*

Of course not all interruptions represent

True emergencies or even matters urgent

Such “nomergencies” end up tiring me out

“Urgent” work notifications I can do without

Each time I reply, I divert my attention

Towards something else, and despite my best intentions

I get pulled away from meaningful work

But since my responsibilities I do not want to shirk

I answer every question, every message I receive

Every notification as a potential emergency I perceive

*

These nomergencies, I should learn to ignore

In the system, I should place trust some more

If it is a true emergency, I know there are other ways

To contact me at the end of the day

So many conditioned beliefs I have had to over time unlearn

In a totally opposite direction sometimes I’ve had to turn..

*

On how girls should walk, there were expectations age-old

Walking fast was not graceful, I was told

But I liked to sprint, speed over elegance I prioritized

I looked far from graceful, so I was criticized

I felt unpolished because I could not walk slowly

And for a long time, this continued to bother me

*

Now I am a doctor preaching the importance

Of movement- the speed of one’s gait has prognostic significance

To walk as much and as fast as possible one must strive

To spend more years on this planet alive

*

I have maintained a pretty good gait speed

Being vertically challenged, it is a blessing indeed

When I have to keep pace with those with a longer stride

I am not slow in walking-now I say that with pride..

*

With respect to being graceful, one thing I know

I am not going to look graceful with age if I walk slow

Because of imbalance, in-coordination or illness

Let me walk briskly and enjoy the process

You don’t see the beauty in things around you-

After leaving my country, I realized this was true..

*

Growing up, I was drawn to western sensibilities

In clothing-muted colors, structured silhouettes and simplicity

Of western design were what I admired

To dress along those lines was what I desired

I ignored traditional Indian fabrics in brilliant hues

Ornate Indian outfits I was reluctant to choose

*

In my new life, black made an appearance prominent

To look polished, poised and slim was my intent

As my wardrobe morphed into solid monochromes,

I began to miss the diversity of clothing from home

I tried to incorporate Indian elements in my sartorial repertoire

But the fabrics from India was hard to acquire

And shape in to something I could wear everyday

To fuse both elements, I wondered if there was a way

*

Lately I have been overjoyed to find

Many designers are now trying to combine

The splendor of Indian craftsmanship with the elegance of western attire

I can buy such outfits to fulfill my desire

*

When I wear a cocktail dress out of fabric that was woven

By the weavers of Benaras, I know I have chosen

The best way to express who I represent

I am an amalgamation of Indian and American elements

Avoidable boredom I’m getting ready to fight

There appears to be no bookstore in sight..

*

I have been informed that my flight is delayed

I need to stave off frustration and I am dismayed

To find no bookstore in the vicinity of my gate

Browsing books is the best thing to do in my current state..

*

I know I have time, with my luggage in tow

Off in search of a sizable bookstore I go

After walking for fifteen minutes, in another terminal I find

The only place that can quiet my mind

*

I browse books peacefully for the next hour or so

Until a flight update reminds me it is time to go

I have secured a thick volume for my upcoming flight

To ensure that boredom I would not have to fight

*

While flying these days one must be prepared

To wait long hours at airports, I am aware

When amenities for travelers are being designed

I wish people would keep bookstores in mind

I am sure there are many avid readers who would be

As thrilled at having more bookstores at airports as me

When I was younger, I had plenty of tests to take

Some not that important, others holding my future at stake

And when the results were about to be revealed

My nervousness was hard to conceal

With butterflies in my stomach and increasing heartbeat

I would open the results page, fearful of perceived defeat

Over the years, I experienced moments

Of both jubilation and bitter disappointment

*

I thought those days of nervous anticipation

Of test results was a relic of the past, never in my imagination

Had it occurred to me that the same sentiment

Could be evoked by results of tests performed with a different intent..

I am talking about medical diagnostic tests that appear

To come back increasingly abnormal each year

*

With a smattering of health issues that have now appeared

I need to take a variety of tests, and I fear

Each time that the result would come back

As markedly abnormal, and that coping skills I lack

To deal with the reality of my health in decline

To not find out the results, sometimes I feel inclined

Only to remember that I have dealt in the past

With earth-shattering disappointments that did not last..

*

Like I used to do before, I whisper a prayer

To let the Lord give me the strength to take care

Of my health even if I “fail” the test

I open up my patient chart, hoping for the best…

*

I’ve realized that there will always be tests to take

Based on the results, difficult decisions I might have to make

Now that I have procrastinated enough, I should go

And open my test result, staying prepared for a nasty blow

I thought I would have achieved something by now

Something tangible, something recognizable that would allow

Me to experience some degree of satisfaction

That would lead to increasing interaction

With the movers and shakers around me

I would find a place in august company..

I laugh when I think of the castles I had built in the air

What a reckless dreamer I was, that I was so unaware

Of the reality of my life, and my limited capabilities

Turns out I had grossly overestimated my abilities

*

When I start lamenting about my lack of success, my inner voice interjects

To remind me that I have reached certain milestones I did not expect

I have garnered some victories I never thought would be mine

And although life did not proceed per my intended design

There have been highs I never thought I would see

Life has taken a different, but positive trajectory..

*

I still have hopes from life that are fairly high

I still crave recognition, I shall not lie

But life has given me a lot, that much is true

I must remember to count my blessings too

I read a heartbreaking article that explored

How adolescent girls were using chatbots more and more

To ask questions that girls have wanted to ask for generations

Using chatbots for advice, therapy and confession

Too afraid or embarrassed to seek answers elsewhere

What they cannot discuss with parents, teachers or peers, with chatbots they share

*

Many teenage girls have internalized shame

They are dealing with emotions that they cannot name

From people around them, judgement they fear

So their questions in chat-boxes at late night appear

*

It saddens me to see how the questions they ask reveal

How they crave connection and understanding, how they feel

Confused and afraid in a world that safe does not seem to be

They are searching for reassurance and clarity

*

Instead of whispering their innermost thoughts

In the dead of the night to chatbots

I wish they would have people around them in whom they can confide

I wish they would not have to feel like they have secrets to hide…

*

I wish the chatbot could be replaced

By a real human being, a kind face..

The urge to fill each blank space in my house I resist

I let vacant spaces for optimal flow of energy persist

I examine my artwork nearing completion and decide

Not to add more detail, I do not want intricate details to hide

The message that my broad brushstrokes are trying to convey

I shall leave my artwork unfinished today..

In a conversation I am no longer going to attempt

To fill moments of silence with small talk, I am content

With letting periods of silence punctuate conversation

To give space for listening, reflection and equal participation

*

I am learning to overcome my conditioned discomfort when I see

Vacant spaces in the world around me

Not every void need to be filled immediately

Blankness allows for quietude and tranquility

Let blank spaces act as inspiration

For novel ideas, solutions and innovations

There have been times when I have not found

A safe space to unburden myself, on looking around

Of reproach, rejection, resentment, afraid I have been

I have retreated into my shell, remaining unheard and unseen

I have longed to have safe spaces where I can be

Understood and accepted, without changing anything about me..

*

Thinking about it further, I realized that I could try to be

A safe space for others in my orbit, where they are free

To express themselves, sometimes vent their frustrations

Without the fear of judgement or retaliation

“Be the change you wish to see in the world,” this quotation

Resonates with me strongly, but I’ve lagged behind in its application..

*

I need to be a good listener, I need to discard

Any preconceived notions, initially it could be hard

But I believe if I commit to it, I can learn to be

The ear that listens and the shoulder that supports- judgement-free

*

Going down this path would allow me to heal

As others’ emotions I learn to understand and feel

As an aspiring artist, I am trying to get the pencil to follow my mind

I imagine my pencil moving in effortless, fluid lines

Uniform and neat, the way artists draw

But my strokes are marked by a major flaw

That makes my artwork look unrefined

My artwork, like everything else I do, is defined

By a tendency to be rushed- patience is not my cup of tea

It reflects in most areas of my life, and I can see

Hastily drawn lines, brushstrokes screaming of carelessness

Attention to details lost in the process..

*

As soon as I start a project, I get fixated on the finish line

I take up small projects to circumvent this habit of mine

Yet the feeling of being pressed for time does not go away

And throughout the project, in a rushed state I say..

*

This is similar to how I feel during my workday, I realize

As soon as I begin, my mind is galvanized

In working fast so that all tasks I can complete

As soon as possible, before all my energy I deplete

It allows me to be efficient at work, but this obsession with efficiency

While creating art becomes a deficiency

*

Let me get back to my art, reminding myself to be slow

Perhaps I would be able to enter a state of flow

And be able to create my best artwork to date

The possibility sounds attractive to contemplate…