Passion…unbridled

So many people cite the year 2020

As a catalyst that made them change permanently

In how they viewed life, they reference the forced break

As a time to reflect on priorities, reconfigure and remake

Their to-do lists, they talk about clarity newly found

In how to lead life with a sense of purpose profound

So many around the world made new goals with determination

That they are now fulfilling and discovering self-actualization

This is like the years following the great influenza, historians would say

Which, for the roaring twenties paved the way

**

I apologize for the self-pity here as I say

I got cheated out of that time of reflection in a way

Working in healthcare I did not find a break

Long enough such that a pause I could take

From the daily grind of life and reconfigure

My aspirations and goals for the future

The fragility of life I understood to some extent already

It did not come as a profound revelation to me..

I know many of us were in the same boat

We hunkered down and worked to keep ourselves afloat

**

The post-pandemic era has brought challenges new

I hope I shall be able to take a mental break to

Hit the reset button, revisit my goals and priorities

It is difficult when the demands of work and life do not cease..

I must trim out from my life all time-sinks

For what really matters, I must find time to think..

I felt stuck, and I placed the blame

On my circumstances, but the feeling stayed the same

When external factors changed, why did I not realize

That the sense of being perpetually stuck did arise

From within me, I was acting as a hindrance in my own way

To move forward, I had to examine internal factors at play..

*

I had let unbridled fear take rein of me

I feared judgment from others constantly

The values I cherished I was trying to ignore

I was trying to please imaginary people more..

*

To feel unstuck, within my soul I needed to find

The core values hidden in the recesses of my mind

Then redesign my life in a way intentional

Based on my value system internal

In the process my fears I had to overcome

Finally I could start moving forward some…

*

Staying unstuck is a work in progress

Fear still torments me during this process

Old habits die hard, and that feeling stuck was admittedly

A bad habit from which I still struggle to break free

A lot of time I seem to spend

In sorting my jumbled emotions, in the end

I feel drained and just as directionless

As at the beginning, I do confess

That it’s easier to procrastinate

And place all blame on my emotional state

Instead of trying to extricate myself from the tangled mess

Of my emotions- I end up not making progress..

*

Sometimes I wonder if there is a purpose behind

These unpredictable emotions that mess with my mind

If only at I could be placid and tranquil

Make any tide of emotions recede at will

How much more efficient would I become…

On the other hand, I could be perceived by some

As a ruthless workaholic incapable of empathy

And that’s why I need my emotions probably…

Whenever I’m angry, I think I am right

That I am justified in pursuing my fight

I am at the highest point of my egocentricity

When I am angry, I have an unfortunate propensity

To forget whatever empathy might exist within me

I am selfish and unreasonable to the highest degree..

*

After raving and ranting my anger burns out

I know I’ve burnt bridges without any doubt

Gradually I start warming up to reason and am able to see

Other points of view that I had disregarded completely

I regain empathy at least to some extent

As I reflect over my anger and repent..

*

The conclusion I have from this introspection derived

Is that each time I get angry, it takes longer to revive

The more sensitive, empathetic side of me

Therefore I must try my best not to get angry…

I don’t want to be selfish, uncaring, unreasonable

Being driven to anger does all these dormant traits enable

The calmer I stay, the more attuned I can be

To the emotions of everyone around me..

I am addressing you directly, my mind

Why is it that I always find

You racing ahead of me, full of thoughts

In ever direction, so many that I cannot

Let the rest of me keep up with you

My heartbeat speeds up, adrenaline rushes in too

In order to process at a dizzying speed

Everything you throw at me, I cannot read

Inside you, my own precious mind

I am constantly trying not to be left behind..

*

Slow down, dear mind, lighten your load and mine

Purge yourself of racing thoughts, together we can then design

A life of balance, that allows frequent pause

To reflect, reset, be more intentional because

You overwork yourself, and overwhelmed I stay

To lessen our burdens we have to find a way..

*

Be with me, my mind, as I try to meditate

Let me bring you to a more equanimous state

Let thoughts float by without finding a space

To lodge themselves inside you, and displace

The blank space that we are trying to create

For negative thoughts and energy to dissipate..

You are always aware of the layers of responsibility

That you carry on your shoulders at work and for your family

You never want to let anyone down by being negligent

Of how you are perceived, you are always cognizant

In pleasing everyone you stretch yourself too thin

There is that one aspect left where you do not win-

You forget that you owe yourself something too

There are actions that you must take just for you…

*

Towards yourself, you have some obligations

You owe yourself adequate time for rest and relaxation

You owe it to yourself to be authentic in every way

You owe yourself the willingness to walk away

From a situation where you are asked to

Compromise your ethical stance, your moral values

You owe yourself the ability to say no to a request without

Explaining yourself if you have any doubt..

*

You are trying to be diligent in everything you do

Just don’t forget that you are a priority too..

There seems to be an overwhelming need

To express an opinion on burning issues indeed

To take sides based on information incomplete

Take a line from published news, regurgitate and repeat

I think I am a well-informed world citizen, therefore

I want to say something too, but thankfully before

I start expressing “my” thoughts, a flash of wisdom

In a rare moment, to my rescue does come

I realize I know next to nothing about the issue at hand

In this polarizing situation, I’m unlikely to be able to understand

What is going on, therefore I must refrain

From expressing an opinion, I must restrain

My mind from expressing something that in ignorance

Has the potential to hurt someone or cause offense..

*

The only thing I have to say

For all the innocent lives affected, I pray

(On World Mental Health Day)

Why did that person not seek help in time, they say

The judgment unfortunately does not go away

Despite a precious life lost to suicide

Of a depressed soul who was trying his best to hide

From a world where mental health issues are viewed

As personal failures or weaknesses, misconstrued

As fleeting emotions that one should be

Able to snap out of momentarily

Where “help” in the form of futile advice

To “be happy”, “have a hobby”, etc. exacts a heavy price

Where seeking professional help could mean

Being ostracized, as a social outcast seen

Where isolation insult to injury adds

The existing state of affairs is sad..

*

Do they know, help he had tried to seek

But he was ridiculed, made to feel he was weak

Unable to be productive while in the throes of depression

He was taunted for being lazy, that was the impression

Held by those near and dear to him too

Who in the world could he open his heart to?

*

Who solves problems by pretending they do not exist?

Yet the idea of mental illnesses being real we resist

Meanwhile millions suffer in silence

Until their symptoms take over their existence

For some the burden unbearable becomes

Leading to dreaded tragic outcomes…

*

The struggle is real, for many indeed

Empathy from the world is their foremost need

The harsh judgment that we reflexively dole out

Is the one thing that they can do without..

At the altar of societal mores, no life should be sacrificed

As a society, seeking help for mental health issues we should normalize

There is never a dearth of advice

Some of it appears time-tested and wise

After all, a strategy is expected to have merit

When millions of people have done it

When a path has been found and followed

By many, why should I not just walk on that road?

*

Following the well-traveled path is safe, I know

But that is not the direction in which my heart wants to go

I don’t have a better strategy in mind

Yet I am not willing to toe the line..

I’m being foolhardy, some might say

I cannot explain my rationale today

It’s just a gut feeling- it does not “feel” right to me

Therefore I shall take no action, just wait and see..

*

Millions of people have done it and found success

I wouldn’t be one of them, this I accept

Maybe my decision is unwise, only time will tell

For now, on this issue I shall no longer dwell

Of the seven cardinal sins, my guilt most frequently manifests

As gluttony- I invariably fail the test

Of self-control with food- tragically I tend

To eat much more than I intend

When I feel stressed, bored, or empty inside

My stomach wants to fill up in order to provide

Comfort to me; in a twisted manner therefore

I end up eating mindlessly, and more..

*

Modern life is such that true hunger I have not known

A lot of times when I eat, it is for self-soothing alone

But feeding therapy does not work, instead leaves me

Feeling bloated, ashamed, and sluggish physically

The ill-effects of indulgence in food I know well

Yet everything I forget when I fall under the hypnotic spell

Of Gluttony- I just eat in an attempt to drown

Negative feelings that are weighing me down…

*

Now that I have been able to rationalize

The reason for my tendency to gourmandize

I must work towards trying to separate

My stomach from my emotional state!

None of us one walks from the car to the office anymore

Looking around, making eye contact, like we would do before

Our heads are bent, our eyes focused intently

On our phones, our surroundings we do not see

Some of us are trying to be efficient, catching up on news

Or checking our e-mails, there is no time to lose

With access to the entire world on a mobile device

Making use of every minute to be productive seems wise

Some of us use that time to catch up virtually

On social media with family and friends we infrequently see..

*

The news is often disturbing, depressing, mostly bad

Leaving us perturbed, unsettled or sad

Work e-mails usually herald extra work indeed

Reading them adds to the stress that we do not need

Social media highlight reels from people we know

Sometimes invoke feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, and so

By the time we reach our desks to begin a work day

Negative feelings are already in our way…

*

On the other hand, if we were to keep our phones tucked away

Look around, smile at people, as we were walking to our desks each day

A much better start to the morning it would be

We would begin our day with more positivity

And that could translate into us being more productive

We underestimate the consequences when we give

More attention to our phones than people around

The key to productivity in our cell phones is not found…

Are people on the street going to judge me this way or that

A stranger’s opinion may be like a Schrodinger’s cat

As likely to be a rejection as it is not

I should not let that fear affect me a lot

When I am bothered by others’ perception of me

It’s an indication I do not accept myself fully

I worry about saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong outfit

Or doing something that does not in the category of age-appropriateness fit

But I do not know how I am being viewed

My imagined opinion is by my discomfort skewed

*

Some people would have an opinion unfavorable about me

Some would be indifferent completely

Some others might admire my being unconventional

To worry about all opinions is irrational..

*

If I base my decisions on a coin toss

It would simply be my own loss

So I should stop trying to mind-read

My insecurities I should no longer feed

**The idea of a stranger’s opinion being like a Schrodinger’s cat came from a book I recently read, titled “Becoming Flawesome” by Kristina Mand-Lakhiani