Passion…unbridled

I must admit that quite hard I have tried

To make my writing appear erudite

To exude sophistication in the content

As well as its delivery is my lofty intent

Each time I sit down to write, I fantasize

About creating a masterpiece that wins a grand prize…

*

When I try to describe things mundane

Metaphorically, my writing just appears inane

When I try to be deliberately obscure

My writing I myself cannot endure

When I try to explore themes abstract

Their complexity only serves to distract

Me from writing altogether, I confess

I get stuck, I cannot make progress

*

I get discouraged whenever I see

Impeccably written, flawless poetry

All I can manage is to write from my heart

In straightforward words, but that is not art..

*

I have tried to be someone I am not

And failed at it- I am left with the thought

That at least what I write is authentic

Therefore to my way of writing I shall stick

Why can’t you be like our grandmothers, he said

They were content as long as the household was fed

They existed inside those walls, devoid of ambition

Immersed in household work, keeping alive cultural traditions

Despite lack of independence, financial or otherwise

They ran households, maintained close familial ties..

*

Out of all the myths that we as a society propagate

The starkest one is that of women in a blissful state

Your grandmother who as content you perceived

Knew that airing of grievances would be poorly received

Do you know how many heartaches untold

Were hidden in her wrinkles, her saree folds?

Her dreams she must have from childhood suppressed

When repeated childbirths and miscarriages left her distressed

She must have shed silent tears, alone or in commiseration

With other women who had faced similar situations

For the family’s misfortunes she must have taken blame

She must have run a tight ship though she had nothing to her name

She probably lived her life in practiced stoicism indeed

Looking for happiness in fulfillment of her family’s needs…

*

Women were taught to keep their stories private

To not bother men with their issues, they had a lot on their plates

The idealized image of a smiling grandmother does hide

Deep pockets of grief and countless scars inside..

Middle age is catching up to me, I believe

I wonder when I would be able to achieve

That “something” in my life that would raise

My standing in my own eyes, let me garner praise

From my inner critic, that keeps telling me

To constantly improve, does not let me be

Complacent, or content with what I do

I keep trying hard, but never seem to

Reach a place where I could rest and say

I’ve done enough, I should call it a day…

*

As much as I want to feel like I’ve arrived

I simultaneously fear I would lose my drive

Once I get to a place of comfort in my skin

Striving to be better is what I have believed in

My inner critic changes the goal post constantly

Thus what would count as success, I never see..

*

Neither have I managed to impress myself, nor have I

Allowed myself to stagnate, or my dreams to die

With this in mind, let me move from day to day

I have not arrived, but I’m on my way..

I dabble in a bit of this and a bit of that

Mostly in the middle is where I’m at

“This” is the culture that now surrounds me

“That” is the culture in which I’m rooted deeply

“This” represents core American values

“That” is the spectrum of Indian hues

That color my life from inside out

Neither of these I can do without..

*

Being in the middle as a privilege I view

I can turn any way I want to

I can travel along a spectrum entire

From Indian to American, as my heart desires

I can experiment with food, clothing, music, art

“Fusion” is of my life an essential part

Elements from both identities I blend

Creating something more unique than I intend

*

East is east and west is west, they said

And never the twain shall meet- instead

I thrive at the meeting of east and west

From each one I try to take the best

And fuse them together in ways that are new-

My fusion life is an innovative one too

You can say no quite easily, you know

This doesn’t fall in your domain, and so

You are under no obligation to go out of your way

To try to do something that in the end may

Turn out to be an exercise in futility

Your skill-set may not in this case have utility

There isn’t enough time to waste, yours or

That of the person you’re offering your service for

*

You are about to say no, but you turn back once more

And catch the desperation in their eye that you’d missed before

Something tells you to at least hear the problem in detail

Even if at finding a solution you fail

You could bring them a step closer to the answer they need

If you don’t do anything, your refusal would trouble you indeed

*

So without making any promises, you hear them out

You don’t have the answer, but without a doubt

You know the next step to take in this case

That will help them get to the right place

*

The right place was found, the issue was resolved

Your help was crucial in getting the problem solved

It was easy to say no, it was your right too

But the universe moves forward because of those who

Go the extra mile without any expectation in mind

They are the ones who innovative solutions find

My time at work is literally and figuratively full of “overload”. My patients have “volume overload” (swelling of legs due to weak heart), my clinic schedules, inbox, e-mail etc. are all overloaded, and with a phone in hand 24×7 for days at a stretch while on call, I have information and sensory overload. Then there is a life outside work bombarded with images, videos etc…..

My senses are bombarded constantly

By a smattering of stimuli hurled at me

In a perpetual state of overload I stay

With information coming at me in every way

Too many e-mails, phone calls, messages to sift through

Articles to read, podcasts to hear, videos to watch too

To stay up-to-date at work, home and in life overall

In the misleading pit of multitasking I fall

Thinking I can process multiple bytes of information

At the same time, and make sound, informed decisions…

*

Maybe that’s why constant exhaustion I face

Despite vitamins and exercise- my brain gets no space

To process information in pieces that are small

My brain is forced to simultaneously process it all

Spending time in mindful practices or meditation

For some time each day does not protect against invasion

Of my senses throughout the rest of the day

I need a reduction in stimuli coming my way

Sometimes I ignore things, but it can backfire too

Because superfluous stuff hides important things to do…

*

I know in this boat I am not alone

Distracted, frazzled, glued to a phone

Many of us go about life from day to day

Somehow we need to find a better way

To simplify our lives, get rid of fluff

Give proper attention to meaningful stuff..

This neologism in common use these days

Makes me feel incompetent in many ways

I entered adulthood decades ago,

But “adulting” was something I did not know

I was supposed to be doing actively

It was the baggage that came with being free

To make my decisions, vote in elections

Not having the need for parental supervision

Of course, that meant my messes would be mine

And that about them to no one I could whine..

*

“Adulting” is hard when you examine it in detail

Shouldering many responsibilities it entails

From earning (and saving money) to placing food on the table

To being a responsible citizen of this world who is able

To contribute constructively to the society in ways more than one

Is a tall order, I do not think I have done

Justice to everything that adulting requires

I “adult” in fits and starts, putting out fires

More often than actually doing something constructive

(Guess I have a steady job, so you can call me productive)

But other facets of adulting are strenuous for me

Like filing taxes, changing tires, being financially savvy..

Remembering passwords, commitments and deadlines,

Staying organized, paying dues timely without incurring fines

And being a role model for my offsprings-

That is one of the hardest tasks adulting brings…

*

As a flawed human being, specifically an adult flawed

I wish the verb “adulting” would be outlawed

So that each time on my responsibilities I fall behind

I am not a failed adult in my own mind…

Sometimes I just stop mid-sentence

Suddenly I feel your otherworldly presence

While saying something, out of the blue

Without warning I am inundated with memories of you

I remember phrases that you used to say

I remember the rather quirky way

In which advice you would give to me

I could use some advice, I miss you acutely

In this moment, I find myself with tears in my eyes

Beyond the physical world extend our ties

*

Grief is not linear, nor finite, it comes and goes

Without warning you find yourself in its throes

When the waves of grief rock me, it’s futile to fight

I embrace it, let it devastate me, and emerge with fresh insight

Each time I pick up my phone and scroll around

I see beautiful objects, temptations abound

To make me loosen my purse strings

I am convinced I need shiny new things

In my life, these are things that appeal to me

The world wide web knows my aesthetic, obviously

So the advertisements I see when I browse mindlessly

Are of stuff that caters to my taste and budget, you see

It is hard not to get sucked in to the irresistible lure

Of artistic objects of personal adornment and home decor

Sometimes I just marvel at the sheer creativity

At other times, of buying unnecessary things, I am guilty

Many times I try to assuage that guilt with the thought

That a small business has been supported by things I’ve bought

There is greater representation of cultures varied

In the plethora of goods available indeed

Many things you can personalize and customize

With such attractive options, it’s a buyer’s paradise..

*

I just got distracted by an instagram store

It has captivating stuff that I simply adore

In this tug of war, let’s see who shall win-

My self-control or the enticing advertising..

Persuasion is an art, they say

To compel someone to think your way

Requires achievement of a balance delicate

You have to first try to estimate

How strong their beliefs are, how much you can sway

Them in your favor, then you dispel their doubts away

Regarding your opinion, simultaneously

Let them doubt their own stand increasingly

The ultimate trick to make them change their opinion

Is to convince them that it is actually their decision

You’ve subtly nudged them and at the same time

Boosted their ego, you have them primed

To remain, for a while, audience captive

You have thus succeeded in your motive

Driving in the dark on a morning cold and misty

With the headlights on, with limited visibility

I focused on what was visible, the car before me

To see beyond that I was limited in ability..

My thoughts turned philosophical here

Of the direction my life wants to take, I’m unaware

The view of the future is clouded and I fear

Taking a wrong turn- that’s my worst nightmare..

*

The mist is a metaphor for life’s current state

Since I cannot see beyond the immediate

Instead of trying to predict a future nebulous

On the next step I should direct my focus..

Half a breath perpetually held

Half of the mind preoccupied

In fear of a disaster looming near

Panic always simmering inside

Life like a hurdle-race never-ending

From crisis to crisis, life seems to go

No time to catch a breath at all

Just weathering blow after blow

Tranquil moments lay forgotten

Chaos rules the roost every day

Real and imagined catastrophes

Conspire to take peace of mind away..

*

Take a deep breath- that’s cliched advice

But one that works well nevertheless

Take a breath deep, focus on it alone

Feel a reduction in the level of distress

Interrupt the flow of calamitous thoughts

Banish all the “what-ifs” from mind

Life will continue to present crisis situations

But less ruffled by them yourself you would find