Passion…unbridled

Of all the lessons I should have learnt and did not

The foremost is the ability to say no without a second thought

When saying yes encroaches on my time, resources and liberty

I should be able to say no without feeling guilty

Without coming up with excuses or explanations

That would sound forced and pathetic to anyone

Without feeling selfish or thinking I’ve let someone down

Without thinking of the various ways I could have worked around

My schedule to fit the needs of the person who asked

Without revisiting my decision after refusing the task..

*

When I say “No” to something that infringes on my rights

I am being kind to myself by keeping my well-being in sight

I should not have to explain further once I say

No, which is a complete sentence anyway

Excessive workload has left my soul destroyed

In a desperate search for something to fill the void

As social media posts I mindlessly scroll through

Against better judgment I get swept into

Meaningless debates, trolling, hateful comments and more

People tearing strangers apart more viciously than before

I was looking to soothe myself, instead I find

I have managed to further distress my mind

Even when from my device I move away

The discomfort caused by such toxicity does stay

In my mind, making it difficult to focus or relax

Scrolling through social media has exacted a heavy tax..

*

Once again I remind myself that the better alternative would be

To stay away from social media, especially

When I am tired, sad or indisposed in any way

Tuck myself in bed and sleep my blues away

When I hear about book bans, I find myself scratching my head

Are we sauntering towards the dark ages instead

Of moving forward into the future, we’re going back at an accelerated pace

How can the freedom to read something not have a place

In a democracy, in the land of the free

In this day and age, where the world can at your fingertips be

How do we let some people’s biases decide

Which books to display and which ones to hide

From public eyes by restricting their access in libraries

Do they really think the readership of banned books would decrease?

If one wants to read, there are many ways

To procure any book anywhere these days

Efforts to ban books just seek to further divide

People divided by their ideologies worldwide..

*

Books are meant to broaden our views

Let readers retain their right to choose

A censored book is a voice silenced indeed

Silencing diverse voices is the last thing we need

Of all the things that social media has influenced

I think the change most drastic, most intense

Is in how ourselves we view- because we inadvertently compare

Our mundane daily selves to unrealistic pictures, unaware

Of the photography tricks and filters used to present

Stunning pictures with the sole intent

Of getting more views, to boost an ego

Or make money, or both, and although the truth we know

We are sucked into this universe of make-believe

And that elusive perfection we want to achieve..

*

So instead of enjoying ourselves in the moment

We snap pictures, and modify them to present

Ourselves and our surroundings in the best possible light

What everyone is doing appears to be right

Self-actualization is achieved these days

By social media recognition, in devious ways

I have worked hard, received a stellar education

I am enthusiastic about my vocation

I am ambitious, I want to take

My career to greater heights, I want to make

The best of my education and training, I do

My determination and hard work should carry me through..

*

But wait, mid-thirties I have reached now

I want to start a family, but the contemplation of how

I accomplish this while keeping my career growth in view

Gives me serious stress, straining me in multiple ways too..

After help from science and prayers I finally conceive

I would work through pregnancy, take a short break, I believe

And be back at my workplace, in my previous capacity

Little do I know what destiny has planned for me…

*

After the ordeal of a difficult pregnancy and childbirth

I am forced to take a break from work, of course my family is worth

All the sacrifices at workplace I have to make

Once I go back, much effort it should not take

For me to get into the groove, do what I used to do

Turns out here I am totally off the mark too

*

When I try to return, my break from work is viewed as a flaw

As if by having a child I have broken a law

I find work with great difficulty, in a much lower capacity

Moving ahead in my career is a distant dream for me

Work dinners and travel are not in the cards

With a baby, though I am working twice as hard

Thus all opportunities for promotion are denied to me

I still brave snide remarks on not making work my foremost priority..

*

The workplace remains a place for men

As women we are tired of asking when

Between raising a family and building a career we would not

Have to choose, not have to put in that much thought

Into synchronizing biological clocks with career development

And still suffer discrimination, criticism and judgment

We are expected to work as if we have no family

Society expects us to mother and never take our careers seriously

Caught in between expectations, overworked we remain

We have to find a better solution than going through all this pain!

I’m measuring my life, I fear

In terms of boxes that appear

To have been created by people around me

I have been checking them off diligently..

Educational qualifications, career goals, material possessions

Vacations, hobbies, leisure activities- in true confession

Are guided by the narrow boxes designed

By the society keeping averages in mind

But if I keep measuring my success

By boxes checked off, how would I truly progress

In life, when copying others is all I seem to do

I am not being original or authentic, it’s true..

*

Let me forget all boxes and bucket lists for now

And clear some space in my head to allow

Free movement of ideas that are authentic to me

Let my successes (and failures) be rooted in originality

Fourteen minutes and six lives lost

Followed by the seventh- how do you measure the cost

Of lives lost to horrific gun violence

Young lives- this does not make sense

Does this not register anymore?

Why does it not lead to a louder uproar?

When we discuss the issue, deeply divided we remain

Make it a debate about gun ownership, forgetting the pain

That countless families keep going through

Still refraining from doing what we need to do

We talk about mental health issues and more

Try to suppress the issue at the core

Turn schools into prisons, simply accept

That going to school can be a deadly prospect

In peaceful times, in a society civilized

How come this tragic irony we have not realized?

Should I try to fit in or try to stand out

The answer to this question is always in doubt

When you fit in, you feel at home, not judged, comfortable

Standing out is like being in a foreign place, unable

To read the language- in this case the code unspoken

That binds those who fit in, into a circle unbroken

The code unknown to you, that makes you different

You stand out, which may not be your intent

If you want to feel comfortable, want to belong

But if you want to be noticed, it is not wrong

To stand out, you do not blend into the crowd

You may grab attention without being loud

*

I tried to fit in awkwardly when I was standing out

Vice versa as well, feeling uncomfortable throughout

Until the simple truth dawned on me

Simply myself I needed to be

Whether I was standing out or fitting in

I needed to be comfortable in my skin..

You leave your homeland, then come back and see

Everything in a different light inexorably

The good and the bad, in sharp relief outlined

The picture quite different from what you had in mind

Some ordinary things quaint and endearing appear

While other things are too irritating to bear

The more you see, the more conflicted you feel

What does your perception of your homeland about you reveal?

When you see things positively, you fear being delusional

When your perceive things negatively, it is a message subliminal

That you have lost allegiance to your birthplace

You belong elsewhere, that is the bitter truth you must face

*

Let me end by saying that no matter what my mind tells me

My heart looks at India benevolently

I had learnt that people were meant to fight

Fight to survive, fight to thrive, fight for rights

Your body naturally fights an illness

You fight to get better, fight for success

The valiant fight, while cowards surrender readily

Why be a coward in the face of adversity?

*

When I saw patients who had overcome their illness

I applauded them for fighting, cheered for them in the process

I thought that was what I would do if I fell ill

The need to fight was in every fiber of my being drilled

*

So when faced with a diagnosis that would my life alter,

I was ready to fight unwaveringly, I would not falter

In my attempts, I would not the disease take control over me

So I decided to fight it with the right treatment, aggressively

I did not realize when an obsession this fight became

More than the original disease, I had a new affliction to tame

*

One day I realized how it was affecting my sanity

In fighting the disease, I had let it control me

I had no option but to relinquish control somehow

I surrendered to the disease as much as my brain would allow

I did not stop treatment, I must clarify here

But I did stop living in constant fear

Of succumbing to my illness or having a catastrophe

I wrenched back control from my disease gradually…

*

I am managing life with my condition quite well

No longer on fighting my illness I dwell

I have some control, the disease has some

A more balanced person I have become

Tell me your opinion, let me know what you think

I’d like to hear your opposite view-point, I don’t want to sink

Any deeper into the cavern that is an echo chamber for me

I am tired of everyone agreeing with me readily

Because when I seek opinions on the internet

The ones that mirror my own are what I get

And I end up reaching the fallacious conclusion

That my viewpoint is right, without any doubt or confusion..

*

I grew up in a time of friendly debates

When people would in their spare time congregate

To discuss politics, life and everything under the sun

All members free to voice their various opinions

People had widely divergent views too

That they would express freely before you

*

I want to discuss life in a meeting live

Where dissenting opinions can thrive

I want to know why others think the way they do

I want to comprehend the opposite point of view

Or discover an outlook unknown to me

And marvel at how different voices can be

Completely valid, and co-exist peacefully

*

Let me move out of echo chambers and find

Ideas diametrically opposite to stimulate my mind

I have my opinions, my biases they carry

I want those biases to be exposed to me

I am afraid my presence is a charade

How long can I keep up this masquerade

Of knowing everything when I feel I stand

Not on terra firma but on shifting sand

How can I hold my own among the wizards

How can I even expect to be heard

Offering my opinion in a timid voice

That is likely to be lost in the noise

Of powerful opinions backed by experience,

Proffered with abundant confidence

I am a nervous wreck, I want to run away

I cannot wait for the end of this stressful day

*

I’ve been quiet, but surprisingly I find

A question raised for these brilliant minds

Remains unanswered, this seems to be

For me to say something, a perfect opportunity

I start speaking with some hesitation indeed

To remain coherent, all my courage I need

People are listening, perhaps out of surprise

But I perceive appreciation in a few pairs of eyes

As I go on, more confidence I summon

I am calm by the time my speech is done

Suddenly everyone is talking again, arguing probably

All attention has been diverted from me

*

Let it be a charade, let me masquerade

I am proud today of the progress I have made

I am less intimidated now than I have spoken

The self-imposed shell of inadequacy has been broken