Passion…unbridled

I’ve had compliments showered on me

I don’t remember them, regrettably

At times I expected them and at times I

Thought they were untrue, I was quick to deny

That I deserved any praise, whatever I had done

Was nothing special, no Nobel I had won

To be completely honest, I realize now

That in all my years, I’d never learnt how

To accept a compliment graciously

For what it was meant to be

*

On the other hand, any critical or negative remark

Would leave on my psyche an indelible mark

When I recall those words, spoken years ago

My confidence ebbs again to a new low

If I was perceived as flawed, it must be true

There are so many things I cannot do

As well as most people around me

I can never be good enough, I think repeatedly

*

Why does my confidence stand on such shaky ground

Why in all these years I have not found

An unshakable belief in myself after all

Why do I let myself shatter after a fall

Is it my fault or does societal conditioning play

A partial role in making me feel this way?

To be modest when praised was supposed to be

The way to behave in polite society

I was taught to do things to minimize

The possibility of being criticized

To never swerve too far from the norm

For the fickle society, I was expected to perform

*

The world tries to be critical, yet there are few

Who pay genuine compliments too

To accept both with equanimity

Is the goal I am striving towards currently

Let my confidence be planted this time around

On solid, unyielding, rocky ground

I read in disbelief that my profession

Is one of the loneliest, in truthful admission

My first instinct was to say it could not be

Physicians deal with people constantly

Listening to their lives’ details intimate

Being empathetic to them in their most vulnerable state

Our lives’ rewards and punishments we measure

In the most “human” way possible, we treasure

The sacrosanct patient-physician interaction

Talking to people gives us satisfaction…

*

But then there is that dark side

The isolation of long hours trapped inside

The stark, barren hospital walls

Foregoing personal lives when duty calls

The self-inflicted pressure to perform at the level highest

At all times, leaves us with little time for rest

And relaxation with friends and family

We connect with strangers, but we fail to see

How we end up neglecting those we hold dear

Distance grows, this is how loneliness creeps in, I fear

We seek in our work, comfort and solace

As the discomfort at home grows harder to face

Thus we end up lonely, missing out on connections

With family and friends, despite our best intentions…

*

Our work fulfills a higher calling, it’s true

But life exists outside of work too

To strive for a work-life balance does not take away

The profound impact of our work anyway

To cultivate loneliness is not our intention

To family and friends, let’s direct our attention…

You learn to shrug your shoulders and move on

When you sense a whiff of discrimination

You justify to yourself that since you belong to a minority group

Your behavior has to be above reproach, you cannot stoop

To a level lower than ideal even for a brief moment

(And the standard applies to your children, even infants)

So when you commit a faux-pas you promptly apologize

Repeated experiences have made you realize

That being nonchalant could invite hurtful comments

Your obsequiousness can some unpleasantness prevent

So you learn to apologize rather liberally, as if your existence

Itself is a cause of some inconvenience

You apologize for your accent, for asking someone to repeat what they said

For your child crying loudly, and so on, carefully you tread

On the public space, in a country that you call

Your own, the land where you can get it all

They said you can make it big here by hard work alone

But in the land of the free, your mannerisms you’d better not own

You have to play by the rulebook of the majority populace

Or else, harsh words or punishment you could face..

*

Lower your expectations, lower your voice

You came to this country, you made that choice…

Remember to always stay in your second-class lane

You don’t want to be reminded again and again

“Live life as if it were your last day”

The duality of this statement blows my mind away

On one hand, it tells you not to wait

For tomorrow, because that may be too late

On the other, it forces you to think

Morbid thoughts, to exist at the brink

Of catastrophe waiting to take

Your precious life- I wonder what to make

Of this philosophy that tries to infuse

Urgency in your life, such that you lose

The joie de vivre in every moment

And that, my friends is my predicament

How do you savor each moment as if it’s your last

Remembering that death could come to you fast?

*

If a constant reminder of your mortality is in your face

Your attachment to life grows stronger in the first place

And all the good you would have liked to do

All the altruistic inclinations within you

Take a backseat to the selfish desire to cling

To life, it becomes the most important thing

You end up consuming more than you give

As a fulfilling life you try to live…

*

Let me confess I cannot live each day

As if it were my last, this is what I have to say

Let me detach myself from the desire to live

As much as I can, let me at least make an effort to give

Back to the world, suppressing my selfishness

Let me try to give a little more, take a little less…

I had troubles in my life that made

It difficult for me to wade

Through life’s stormy oceans

Worry was my predominant emotion

Unfortunately in retrospect I now see

How annoying I used to be

Talking compulsively about my woes

To family and friends, anyone who was close

I don’t know if I was looking for solutions

Or just a sympathetic ear, I carried an illusion

That airing out my problems would be

A way to get rid of unreasonable worry..

*

My worries never really disappeared

The more I aired them, the more they appeared

To take center stage in my life, until one day

A rare moment of introspection crossed my way

For the first time I realized I appeared

A whiner, a complainer, even to my ears

Embarrassed, I decided I could not be

Such a negative person constantly

*

I started with the biggest object of my lamentation

And stopped mentioning it in any conversation

I followed it up by consciously trying to refrain

From voicing my troubles and complaints

Gradually I noted I no longer seemed to

Dwell on them as much as I used to do

In not mentioning my worries at all

I found it harder and harder to recall

All the grievances I had from day to day

This deliberate elimination paved the way

For me to transform from a grumbling person

To someone with a more optimistic disposition

*

Old habits die hard and not talking about my problems

Sometimes a little overwhelming becomes

Then I share my trouble with someone close

But since it is done in a small infrequent dose

A complainer I do not appear to be-

I am a worrier absolved of worry!

It is time that I confess

And ask for forgiveness

For having judged not infrequently

Other women by standards of patriarchy

I shout from the rooftops that I believe

In equality for women, that I perceive

Women to be no less than men

I thought I sincerely believed it… but then

I am guilty as charged, as I said

Of criticizing women for their choices, instead

Of standing by them, because no matter what I say

The voice of patriarchy instilled in me, even to this day

Raises its ugly head and makes me complicit

In perpetuating the mold in which women have to fit

That makes me a hypocritical feminist, I’m aware

I must erase my deep-seated beliefs if I care..

Exhausted, famished, but feeling accomplished anyway

I returned home after a brutally busy workday

Still riding high on the wave of adrenaline

That had through the day my companion been

I felt exhilarated to have finished it all

At work, I felt more than ready to heed the call

Of domestic affairs, I was completely wired

To multitask like the superwomen I admire

I breezed through chores, promising my son

I would read to him, my day was not done

Except- in crossing all t’s and dotting all i’s

I had not noticed the drowsiness in his eyes

After completing my tasks, I found

It was too late for him to stay awake and stick around

For the precious few minutes he wanted to spend

With me- suddenly my productive day came to a rude end

How could I take pride in the work I had done

When I had neglected the innocent need of my son…

Guilt washed over me, I know nothing should be

More precious than time spent with family….

*

Work is work, that never should encroach

On precious family time, I need to follow this approach

Tasks can be completed later, or left incomplete (within reason)

But I would always regret the moments missed with my son..

If you are lost in the world around you

Maybe there are cues that you can use to

Find your way back to the path you were on

But what do you do when you feel lost and forlorn

From within, when the routes in your heart and mind

Run in different directions and you cannot find

A coherent way forward amid the chaos

Conflicting paths seems to criss-cross

Leaving you rudderless and in a drift

How then, from confusion to directed goals you shift?

The vicious cycle of a lack of direction

That further erodes your attention

Makes it increasingly difficult to wade

Through the maze that has been more complicated made

*

How do you find a way, from inside out

A clear path forward, not riddled with doubt

This was the question my anxious mind

Had for years been trying to find

I read extensively and tried to imbibe

Conventional wisdom from my tribe

The conclusion however remained but one

This battle had to be in isolation won

*

One day I just closed my eyes to the mayhem around

Gave my thoughts a “time-out”, and found

Emptied out of racing thoughts, my mind seemed to be

Calm, peaceful, ready to think coherently

Nothing earth-shattering happened that day

But it altered the course of my life in a huge way

The merits of meditation were revealed to me

As I meditated every day, an emerging path I could see

This way forward emerged from within my heart

I embarked on the path, it was a good start

And have not looked back since then

I carry within me my personal heaven

I said yes when I meant no….

From there I didn’t know where to go

Reluctance clouded my affirmation

I was annoyed with the situation

I didn’t want to do what I was asked

But I had given my word to complete the task

I was angry, both with myself and with the one

Who had asked me for the extra work to be done

I couldn’t say no, so I found myself stretched thin

I procrastinated, lacking time and motivation to begin

I hemmed and hawed and half-heartedly pursued

The task, my performance was with irritation imbued

I completed it, because I had given my word anyway

Heaved a sigh of relief, and called it a day

*

Later I reflected on the motivation behind

My saying yes with no on my mind

Saying no could invite conflict, I knew

That was something I did not want to do

It was not worth it because I did not

Do justice to the task, I thought

From this encounter the lesson I needed to learn

Was to say what I meant, in the future not get burnt

Those who had their sovereignty taken away

Those who were told they were inferior every day

Less capable, less intelligent, less human too

The message leached into their bones through and through

The sense of inferiority changed their DNA somehow

This deep-seated conviction would not allow

Generations later, their progeny born in nations free

To believe in their potential, to believe they could be

Good enough, at least until they could emulate

The culture of their colonizers, their mannerisms incorporate…

*

The tentacles of colonialism widespread remain

Scars from the past surface again and again

Who is superior, and why, has no answer rational

But it still drives inequities in a world post-colonial

Did she do something wrong when she ate

Before filling up her family’s plates

She was famished after a long day at work

It’s not that any responsibility she had shirked

She had missed lunch, others had not

So she ate dinner without much thought

Until she was made aware in a snarky comment

Eating before the men “were fed” was not how traditions went

Apparently she had insulted customs age-old

To eat before others was a step far too bold..

*

Ah the archaic customs that disregard

The needs of women working hard

Both at home and at the workplace

Dismal discrimination at home they face

Which, quite frankly, can be much worse

Than gender gap in the work universe

At work laws prevent egregious discrimination

At home everything is fair in the name of tradition..

*

She ate when she needed to, therefore

The demands at home she was able to endure

Subjecting women to arbitrary deprivation

Is the patriarchal way of ensuring subjugation

This is not something that should even be

An issue to discuss, but it is, sadly

Don’t quote tradition to perpetuate discrimination

What should be normal should not need “normalization”

Would I be weak if I forgave?

Or to the grudge should I hold on

In the end what should I try to save-

My peace of mind that has gone

Away from me from the day that I

Exploded in anger and made the resolve

That the mistake was egregious, I didn’t see why

I should forgive, or let my anger dissolve

Or- instead of trying to retrieve that elusive

Mental peace, should I let my anger stay

Let that be a powerful sentiment, obtrusive

Enough that I avoid a similar situation every day..

*

The lava of anger bubbles inside

I have not forgotten, nor forgiven

My anger has dug a trench wide

Within my heart, it is a sore open

That festers, leaving me discontent

I am a bitter person, that’s true

I now realize the true extent

Of what unbridled anger can do

*

I may not forget but I have to forgive

And not for the one who wronged me

I have to do this so that I can live

Without being embittered, peacefully

*

So I compose a note, granting forgiveness

To the one who had hurt me years ago

A weight has been lifted off my chest

I shall sleep better tonight, I know