Passion…unbridled

Sometimes it takes a crisis to reveal

What you have painfully suppressed, you no longer feel

I had made loneliness my companion

I did not care if I was shunned

By neighbors, distant relatives, and such

I had convinced myself that I did not need people much

Of course I did not have a stellar reputation

I was a cranky old woman, I tell you without hesitation

When the COVID crisis hit, we went into lockdown

I thought I could manage, without help around

But an old woman like me has unforeseen needs

I did find it difficult to solve problems online indeed

Still, I was determined to prove that I could survive

On my own, without venturing out, or being able to drive

*

One day I heard a persistent knock on the door

Annoyed, I opened it to see someone I had not met before

A young woman (in her twenties) started to ask

Me a question- I interrupted, telling her to adjust her mask

I was irritated, I disdainfully thought

The basics of COVID prevention these youngsters knew not

She apologized, saying senior citizens she was trying to assist

In running errands, buying groceries so they could subsist

During these trying times- but of course I sent her away

Undeterred, however, she returned another day

This time her mask was in its proper place

And she carefully maintained six foot space

She asked even more politely if something she could get for me

I was down to last rations, so quite reluctantly

I handed her a list of things that I required

I did not know that day, but a lifeline I had acquired

*

She quickly became a frequent visitor and I found

Myself waiting eagerly for her to come around

We became friends despite four decades between us

I had help that I needed, her companionship was a plus

She could not travel back to her parents either

And I sort of became her Godmother

*

The pandemic hit people hard, and unfortunately

She lost her job, with no option she could see

To stay in this city- back to her parents she went

Leaving behind fond memories of the time together we spent

Months later, we keep in regular touch

From each other we still learn much

The pandemic is ugly but this was the spark

I needed, a ray of light in the dark!

We are taught to be polite, right from childhood

There are things we don’t say out loud that we could

Because unfiltered thoughts are like cannons loose

Therefore our words we must carefully choose

Just because someone expresses an opinion different

We seldom protest outright in a tone vehement

Personal interactions are usually in civility cloaked

Otherwise fires would constantly be stoked..

**

Enter the world of social media where it appears

Norms of behavior change, there seems no hesitation or fear

In using language sharply negative, inflammatory and strong

Filters are discarded, and what would appear wrong

In polite conversation is out there for everyone to see

Reflecting our prejudices, opinions, bigotry

Why is it so much easier to tweet or post

Negative words that would not be uttered by most

Polarization becomes so painfully evident

When one reads through various posts and comments

These days when interaction on social media has replaced

In-person interaction to a greater extent, we are faced

With the need to remind ourselves of etiquette that we’ve learnt before

What should not be said out loud should not therefore

Be shared in social media spaces for all to see

And stay suspended in cyberspace indefinitely..

**

Writing this verse has reinforced that I should

Treat others on the web as in person I would..

That idea never entered my mind

After all, my life was defined

By the mantra, you can do it all

Reach the glass ceiling, break every wall..

The idea that this could be a lie

The idea that the bar could be set unreasonably high

Was outside my sphere of comprehension

I would do it all, it was my intention

*

Despite roadblocks along the way

Nothing in the world would let me sway

Away from the path that quite frankly appeared

To be the only one, nothing else was feasible, I feared

So I played by the rulebook, doing everything right

Good grades, good college, good ethics, the goal in sight

*

As time went by responsibilities grew

Raising a family in the suburbs was a challenge new

Juggling a career where I hoped to make a mark

While caring for the home was no walk in the park

To succeed at work I had to pretend I did not

Have childcare responsibilities, even as I sought

To raise my children by modern parenting guidelines

With supervision at every level, paying attention to details fine

Healthy snacks, enrollment in activities, involvement

In PTA activities, fundraisers, school projects- all this meant

A never-ending race against energy and time

While dealing with subtle signs of age-related decline

That had to be minimized or hidden at every cost-

With make-up, hair color, exercise- meaning more time lost

In doing busywork, leaving no time to spare

To think, indulge or relax, or practice self-care

*

Then there was the omnipresent social media ostentation

That I could not ignore- the pinterest faces of self-promotion

That seemed to show that there were women like me

Who had it all pulled together, quite neatly

*

I wonder if it’s only partially true

That women can do it all-yes they can do

All the things I have mentioned, just not all together

Given time and space, any storm they can weather

It is time to demolish the myth once and for all

Let hard-working mothers take charge, before they fall

Armed with my oven, instant pot, microwave

Three dishes cooking at once- thinking of the time I can save

I pat myself on my back, now it is time

To listen to a podcast as I chop vegetables fine

Trying to learn something new while I cook several meals

This is multitasking at its finest, what’s the big deal?

Vegetables chopped, oil heated, left to cook on slow flame

Different timers beep, and the noise I blame

For distracting me from my podcast as I remove

Food from respective containers, I need to move

Fast to prevent the stuff on stovetop from burning

All this while about mindfulness I am learning

Children come running in from playing outside

Ravenous as ever, I take a detour to provide

Crepes freshly prepared on the griddle

While children talk loudly and with gadgets fiddle

Still juggling food preparation, clean-up and such

I manage to scarf down my meal, not enjoying it much

Despite it being a favorite dish of mine

To sit and savor food- that’s left for another time

Rewind the podcast because I missed most of it

As I load the dishwasher, wondering when I can sit..

Children need help with homework, I divert my attention

To helping them, it takes some time to achieve comprehension

Of the help that is needed, by now forgotten lies

My podcast, there is no time to listen to advice

Regarding mindfulness, when my mind is occupied

In multiple directions, I just go mindlessly along for the ride

As I wind down in the kitchen I hear the cell phone ring

Oh I am on call for my patients; so dropping everything

I make a beeline to answer the phone with hands dough-smeared

I am lucky, the reason for call is simpler than I feared…

*

The day ends in a blur, I am still relieved

At having accomplished multiple tasks, I believe

That multitasking is a skill that I am improving upon

Yet I wonder where the minutes and hours have gone

Remember my original goal was to learn more

About mindfulness- that was the last thing I could explore

Today- the day was spent as mindlessly as could be

Under the guise of multitasking efficiently

As I drift off to sleep, these words from the podcast I hear-

Multitasking is a myth- the message resonates loud and clear

I was afraid, I could not breathe

Wrecked by the virus, my insides did seethe

Fever, fatigue, cough, and constant fear

That the illness could turn more severe

In my illness-driven haze I prayed

Fervently, dreading deterioration delayed

Yet hopeful that I would come out alive

And perfectly healthy- wasn’t I just naive…

*

Of course I survived, as you already know

After 14 days, I was supposed to be ready to go

Run around, catch up on all the work-hours lost

I felt much better, I did not initially realize the cost

Of this infection, but with the passage of time

I did not get better, there was a subtle decline

Until I ended up hospitalized, in a shape worse

I felt like I was by the virus accursed

*

More assaults on my body, medications and such

I improved very slowly, but not all that much

Going back to work even after weeks did seem

Impossible to contemplate- a distant dream

Weird aches, brain fog and cough

Ravaged me constantly, making life tough

Short-term disability threatened to run out

I woke up to the reality that I would soon be left without

A job, health insurance, or money to pay

The outstanding bills that accumulated each day

Applying for long-term disability was imminent

Before I became completely indigent

*

I am a broken man- in body and spirit

I shuffle slowly on oxygen, frequently stop to sit

My vague symptoms seem to have no cure

I am tired of going through revolving clinic doors

No longer just a COVID survivor, as I initially recall

I am a COVID long-hauler- that’s what I am now called

The socio-economic fallout of the Coronavirus pandemic has been highest on women, who are juggling an ever-increasing burden of responsibilities.

The world is in a state of pandemonium

She stands erect, as the custodian

Of her family, fiercely protective

Managing somehow to stay productive

Juggling virtual meetings, virtual schooling and more

Conjuring new tricks to keep children from getting bored

Whipping up meals varied and nutritious

Obsessing over symptoms of illness suspicious

Spending time and energy in taking precautions

To prevent the dreaded illness, to the point of exhaustion

Multitasking has now been elevated to a level new

Between zoom meetings there is household work to do

In her pre-pandemic life, work-life balance was difficult to achieve

That things could get worse, she might not have previously believed

Now work-life separation has been effaced

Her dining table has become her new workplace

Yet hurtling down the roller-coaster of her day

Reeling from fatigue, she has this to say-

Her family is safe and healthy-that’s all that counts

Every other obstacle, she is willing to surmount..

**

In these trying times, it’s essential to find gratitude

To all the superwomen out there, this is my tribute..

Image source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/05/06/coronavirus-pandemic-working-moms-quarantine-life/?arc404=true

In a world of abbreviated words and letters dropped

I realized that inadvertently I had stopped

Using the fundamental punctuation tool, the humble period (.)

The reasons for this were perhaps myriad-

While typing out patient notes detailed

I skimped on the number of characters typed, so I would not fail

To complete patient charts on time

(That could place my perceived competence on line)

I reasoned, complete sentences I hardly ever used

Writing in succinct phrases made notes easier to be perused

By all those who needed quick comprehension

Of my impression in a sea of redundant information

Unlike sentences, phrases are not obligated

To end in periods, as long as they are situated

Far from each other (in separate lines)

Lack of punctuation works just fine..

**

Apart from patient notes, when my thoughts I want to share

In verse I write, and poets notoriously do not care

For punctuation- the entire poem can run

Without any marks- period, exclamation or question..

**

Sometimes I think of the dropped period in terms philosophical-

Open-ended I leave every thought, making it plausible

To interpret my writing in multiple ways

Add some more words to embellish what I say..

**

In a world where dropped vowels now constitute

Acceptable ways to spell, I tend to refute

Popular texting styles, using full words everywhere

All I have done is made the period disappear

From my writing, may be one day I shall return

To full sentences in prose with proper punctuation

How did we get to all or none?

If we don’t agree with each other, we are done

Trying to find to the predicament a mutual solution

The problem affects both of us, we need resolution

But poles apart and sharply polarized we stand

Unwilling to even listen to each other, much less understand

That our opinions on the matter that we have crystallized

Can hurt us more than either of us realize…

**

I want the world to shut down, you want normalcy

Isn’t there a segment in the center honestly

Where both of us could find a comfort zone somehow

Leaning towards either end, concomitantly the middle path allow?

**

We are all grappling with unprecedented fear these days

Fear is divisive, by making us cling to our ways

Sticking to our ground gives us a false sense

Of security, thus we keep up the pretense

That our view is right, the other one wrong

We think our immutable ideas make us strong…

**

In my humble opinion, the enemy is but one

The only way to conquer is by working in unison..

Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.

Margaret J. Wheatley

I held up the mirror before me one day

To understand what it might have to say

To see me hurtling through life as though

I were a river that needed to flow..

Propelled by a needless sense of urgency

Treating time like valuable currency..

The reflection that my mirror revealed

Brought out the demons I had concealed

The insecurities that I had buried inside

The anxiety that I had tried to hide

Reappeared in the form of my reflection

There was this time no scope for deflection

Left with no option, alone with my tears

I acknowledged, for the first time in many years

There were problems deep-seated in need

Of being addressed, and resolved, indeed..

**

That was some moons ago, and now

Every so often myself I allow

To take a hard look at my reflection

Learn some lessons from introspection

Rethink, rejuvenate, re-strategize

Let some evils exorcize..

No one had predicted such an occurrence

A catastrophe leading to worldwide sufferance

But there are lessons hidden in each calamity

The pandemic has delivered a blow to human vanity

Our survival instinct that lay dormant

Has resurfaced to deal with the torment..

New revelations, new lessons have appeared

While we navigate the waters with hope and fear

**

The predictability around which we had our lives built

Received towards uncertainty a major tilt

New questions to which the internet does not answers possess

Emerge each day, it is no longer possible to obsess

Over trying to control each aspect of our lives

In the midst of ambiguity we have learnt to thrive..

We’ve had a glimpse of the harrowing life

Led by unfortunate victims of war and strife

**

Let me now say how I have been affected as a person-

Thrown in the throes of social isolation

I have discovered the rejuvenating power of silence

I have discovered within me a well of resilience..

“Like yin and yang, truth and lies are inseparable, each containing a seed of the other. No words are ever entirely true or entirely untrue.”– Chloe Thurlow

Looks like the perfect material has been invented

Called truth- In myriad forms it can be presented

Bendable, stretchable, moldable by humankind

Capable of playing tricks with your mind

Truth has innumerable forms of disguise

It can flawlessly dress up any number of lies

It can expand and contract to fill any space

Inveigle its way into any place

Perception is reality, some argue

Therefore what you perceive must be true

The veracity of anything can be questioned

Truth being absolute is an idea defunct..

Quote source:https://www.spiritbutton.com/truth-and-lies-quotes/#ixzz6aQhZyW2

Sometimes life happens to be just that way

What really bothers her, she simply cannot say

The pain she swallows like a pill, there is no choice

Resentment, discontentment are all internalized, they don’t get a voice

The moving parts of her marriage are hidden from prying eyes

The truth bleeds inside, covered by an armor of lies

The gaslighting, the unrelenting erosion of self-respect

Are too complicated to explain, to be expressed

The surface presents a picture of perfection

She is lucky to have a supportive husband- is the perception

He lets her build her career, participates enthusiastically

In caring for the children, something you don’t often see…

*

Sometimes she wonders if it is all in her head

She should not be unhappy, but count her blessings instead

Yet she screams silently at each veiled attack

At her education, her competence, she wants to lash back

When people insinuate her husband has supported her career

“I have built it on my own,” she wants to reply with a sneer

Every day she has to gather the courage to rise

Above the barbs of insult, sometimes their ingenuity takes her by surprise

The work-home balance that she tries to achieve

Garners no praise, in fact she is made to believe

That her homemaking and culinary skills are deficient

Who cares if at multitasking she is proficient?

*

What are her desires, or more appropriately “were”

These days she herself does not remember

She had thought she’d be the poster child for women’s liberation

How far from reality was her youthful estimation!

While one might argue that she could break free

She would hardly be someone to break up her family

So in her dysfunctional marriage she stays

As a shadow of her former self most days…