Passion…unbridled

There is much I want, but how do I prioritize?

New distractions constantly arise

In the form of things shiny and bright

Letting my values get out of sight

Suddenly the desire for material things

Becomes stronger, pulls at my purse strings

Making me fall under the dangerous impression

That life would be better with a shiny new possession

Once acquired, the novelty of that object wears off fast

The thrill provided by a highly prized item does not last

Cognitively I understand this fact quite well

But the desire to buy more objects is not quelled..

*

When I think deeply, I do not really want

To acquire bright things, there’s no reason to flaunt

Possessions that are meant just to be used

But I confess my priorities are often confused

I often take pride in things inanimate

Until someone bursts my bubble, and my enthusiasm abates

Then I go back to the abstract values that bring

More meaning to life than shiny new things..

I take a step forward, then hesitate

Am I being impulsive, should I wait?

Conventional wisdom raises its voice

Weigh every option before making a choice

Haste in making a decision is not good

The likely consequences should be understood

Before committing to a decision that can

Be life-altering, there should be a backup plan

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread

Every step should be premeditated in your head..

*

I know rushing headlong into things

Without thinking through, without planning

May be a recipe for disaster, but on the other hand

Life has a knack for not going as planned

So why should I not just close my eyes

And just listen to my heart, and its advice

If my instinct tells me it’s the right thing to do

The challenges ahead it would carry me through..

*

Let me shut out all noise and take a leap

Into uncharted waters that run deep

My heart gives me hope that I shall swim

Even when my chances appear dim

Cross over to the other side, and live to tell

I jumped on intuition, and life turned out well

Do you know what uniformly causes most pain?

It is rising inflation, time and again

No health issue including a global pandemic

Gives you the same feeling of being sick

As watching prices rise every day

Subject to the market forces at play

When each fuel refill costs you much more

Your heart aches for the price you paid before

Now that it’s time to socialize after two years

You have a dwindling bank balance to fear

So partying hard seems like a distant dream

Delayed gratification remains the dominant theme

You wonder why this decade seems to be

Determined to not let you live freely..

*

Each time you open your purse strings

You are annoyed thinking of all the things

That are less affordable, but the feeling goes away fast

As you replay the events of the pandemic years past

Suddenly you are grateful to be alive and well

What you face now is just a lean financial spell

You remind yourself that you still have enough

You can keep going though the going is tough

The idea for this poem came from a discussion among friends living (and practicing as doctors) in different countries, struggling with being politically correct while talking about sensitive issues such as gender, race, size etc.

Traditional terminology has now been obsolete made

So can I still call a spade a spade?

*

I am asking, because it’s not my intent

To hurt unknowingly, anyone’s sentiments

I grew up in a world with labels countless

But since then the world has made progress

Such that the adjectives traditionally used

May be (mis)construed as abuse..

*

Freedom of expression is necessary

Nothing’s black and white or binary

Free speech has to be filtered through

A sieve of politically correct voodoo

Anything other than the most liberal point of view

Is subject to not just ridicule but cancellation too

*

It has become necessary to be hyperaware

To discrimination, to tread with utmost care

Lest a forbidden word make its way

Into your speech some fateful day

Your words that come from thoughts innocuous

Could be interpreted as representing a bias unconscious..

*

Then I remind myself that in a changing world

We are continuously changing words

The rigidity of the past has to be discarded

For the erstwhile “outliers” to be “normal” regarded

Change is hard, and seems imposed on me

But that is how we grow collectively..

*

So, in a nutshell, this conclusion I have reached

I shall incorporate the new term for “spade” in my speech

Why are you so angry at me?

*

I am in a place where I may

Be able to help you in some way

As a trained professional equipped am I

To help alleviate your suffering, then why

Do you not give me a chance to explain

To you the disease that’s causing your pain

You are frustrated, I understand

By your illness, things seem out of your hands

Your life is dominated by your disease

You cannot do anything as and when you please

But why is your anger directed at me

That I am on your side, why can’t you see?

*

You know when I suggest a form of treatment

I am basing it on my professional judgment

Why do you assume there is a vested interest

I want to work with you to find the treatment that best

Fits your unique situation, your unique constellation

Of symptoms of the disease that cause you consternation

Unfortunately your lifestyle choices that your health affect

Need to be discussed, with due respect

*

Unfortunately anger turns out to be obstructive

In the path of finding a solution constructive

Anger brings an element of mistrust

To our relationship, and both of us must

First address that elephant in the room

Let all hidden frustrations be exhumed

*

While you are trying to grapple with your anger, I

Am learning the art of patience, I would not lie,

I have to give you the space that you need

Before I give up on our professional relationship indeed

Cognitively I understand that your anger here

May be directed more at your illness, but I do fear

That in my role as a physician I have failed

I admit that albeit briefly, I let self-doubt prevail

*

I hope your anger shall eventually dissipate

And together a treatment plan we shall formulate

It’s Sunday night and I can sense

My mind and body getting tense

Going into a fight or flight mode

For the work week’s substantial load

I must say that I am excited to face

New challenges at the workplace

At the same time the constantly running treadmill

At the workplace and home daunts me still

I have sorted as many chores as I can

Most everything fits into a watertight plan

Meal-preparation, laundry, cleaning are complete

Accomplishing them on the weekend is no mean feat

I do not know what the week has in store for me

I don’t know if I shall breeze through it or be

Weighed down by a mountain of work in such a way

That I am exhausted completely by the end of each day

*

It’s Sunday night and I must go to bed

To face the challenges of the week ahead

I try my best so no one can see

Me enmeshed in vulnerability

My outer shell does toughness portray

I reassure the world nothing can sway

Me from my stoic stance here

While my insides tremble with fear..

Because I know that if I were to display

My vulnerable side, I would’ve given away

The power that a calm demeanor wields

I believe a display of strength shields

Me from criticism and discouragement

Makes me feel more confident..

*

Sometimes the charade is too much to bear

I want to open up to someone I hold dear

Expose my insecurities, my vulnerable side

Throw away the mask behind which I hide

Then conquer all my fears one by one

Because I think success cannot be won

By skirting around fear, without going through

With my close confidant, that’s what I hope to do…

*

To unmask my vulnerability I need

Unflinching and complete trust indeed

To find a person in whom I can place

Such level of trust is a daunting task I face

Because when you yourself hide behind a mask

Looking for someone who trusts you is a bit much to ask..

*

Someday I’ll gather the courage to not hide

My fears and insecurities deep inside

I hope to express freely, and not hesitate

In sharing with the world my vulnerable state

Summary

This episode is also available as a blog post: https://passionunbridled.com/2022/02/23/the-calligraphist/ — Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/shuchita-gupta/support

Transcription

My insides are stained

Indelibly

With the blood

Of innocent children

They came to learn

They came to play

Not in bulletproof vests

Not with bulletproof backpacks

They were not trained

In how to restrain

An active shooter on site

They screamed, they fell

Their silence now dwells

Within the confines

Of my walls-

I am marred

By bodies charred

By a weapon of destruction

The weapon that was

Not the problem, they said

It was the mind, mind you..

I only know this is true-

My walls could not

Protect the children inside

I had no corners

Where they could hide

I grieve, I mourn

I am now an infamous place

My name added

To a list unfortunate

The list that grows

Every year while those

Who should have grown

Shall never get the chance..

Why do I stand on such fragile ground

My confidence is like a rootless tree

Prone to being ravaged and thrashed around

By the slightest omission committed by me..

*

Why do I feel such a pressing need

To be infallible, to always be right

I have internal encumbrances that feed

This anxiety that I constantly fight

*

I wonder if it is the world around me

Or my fragile ego that inspires more fear

That failure is a step to success, I cannot see

Thus I hang on to the status quo dear

*

Confidence may be the first step to success

And that is what I need to somehow find

I may not win, but at least I would make some progress

If I let go of the fear of failing from my mind..

*

As always, when the going is tough I seek

Solace in words arranged in a verse

Suddenly the world does not appear as bleak

I’ve conquered a small slice of my universe..

In all these years of being a physician

Striving for better communication

With patients each time they were seen

I am embarrassed that unaware I had been

Of the power of genuine praise-

That can a patient’s spirits raise

Give a positive spin of motivation..

To their anxiety and apprehension

*

I would start my patients on medications

And provide them lifestyle education

When patients with positive results would present

I would view it as the effect of appropriate treatment

While bad news I would deliver with utmost care

Good news in a matter-of-fact way I would share

I had no idea how my patients yearned to be

Applauded for their efforts by me..

*

As luck would have it, in a reversal profound

In the role of a patient myself I have found

When I see my physicians I confess

A lot of resources I have already accessed

Thus test results and what they mean

Before seeing my physician, I’ve already seen

I channel the most disciplined part of me

Into taking care of my health actually

I know that my disease I’m managing well

There is nothing new for my doctor to tell..

Yet I realized recently, to my surprise

That being a “good” patient in my doctor’s eyes

Actually felt good, I felt that the efforts made by me

Were being validated, being recognized finally..

*

As a doctor, this has been a revelation for me

My words have influence beyond that I can see

My praise can positive reinforcement provide

To motivate patients and make them take pride

In improving or maintaining their health actively

To bring about the change that I wish to see

*

There are things that you never realize

Until you find yourself on the other side

Of the situation, only then you can place

Yourself in the shoes of the person- you face

The scenario from their point of view

It is a moment of revelation, of growth for you…

I had grown up reading books of one kind

I had devoured stories that in my mind

Epitomized the Western civilization

That reflected, in hindsight, colonial domination

Others writers were nowhere to be found..

Even authors of other backgrounds

Had their writing passed through the sieve

Of the dominant narrative, they could not cleave

Their stories from those of their colonizers indeed

For their voices to be heard, the world saw no need

*

The world has changed, too late, I must say

As we head towards decolonization in every way

My reading repertoire has expanded to include

Voices from minorities previously subdued

Their (dark) sides of history are now being told

With fresh narratives, hidden truths unfold

In a truly free and decolonized world

Democratic should be the printed word

I applaud and hope all minorities

Continue to acquaint the world with their stories