Passion…unbridled

I’d love to think that age has had no effect on my mind

But every day, unmistakable signs of aging I find…

*

One of the most distressing signs of aging for me

Is my dwindling patience and increasing inability

To read long books-despite being a reader prolific

To shorter, up to 300 pages long books I now try to stick

In the past I used to dive without hesitation

Into thousand-page long books, but now I am filled with trepidation

Each time I encounter a thick, wordy book

For larger print and thinner spines I now look

*

Wistfully I remember the days when “War and Peace” seemed

Appropriately long for a transcontinental trip, I would have deemed

Anything shorter inadequate for a journey that was long

I was a fast reader, my ability to pay attention was strong

These days I feel accomplished if I can focus my attention

On a book beyond half an hour, despite my best intentions

*

One of the most anticipated books of this year

I have selected from the library, but I fear

At 400 pages in fine print, it would be

Challenging to read cover to cover for me..

But having penned this verse, the least I can do

Is read a book similar in length to those I used to

Conventional norms have told me to constantly hurry

The concept is drilled down so deep in me that I worry

About taking more time than needed, and being left behind

The world is a never-ending race in my mind

*

The culture of hurry was wearing me out

I needed to slow down, without a doubt

But since throughout my life I had hustled

Slowing down required flexing new muscles..

*

Serendipitously I discovered an interest in art

And that was for slowing down a great start

Art cannot be created in a hurry, I realized

When I slowed down to observe and create, to my surprise

The urge to rush through completely went away

I lost track of time, immersed in art that day

*

The world tells you to hurry, art tells you to slow down

Art is the antithesis of hustle culture, I’ve found

Age is just a number, this statement has gained popularity

But the older I get, the fuzzier that number gets for me

*

During periods of rest and relaxation

While indulging in activities of recreation

I feel younger by ten or fifteen years

But that illusion immediately disappears

When I get back to the daily grind

When joint pains and diminishing energy levels remind

Me that I am progressing quite fast

Towards old age, the semblance of youth cannot last

Then there are days when my profession

Necessitates some degree of sleep deprivation

When I have not had a good night’s sleep

A positive outlook about my age is hard to keep

I feel older by two decades or more

My mental faculties feel sluggish, my muscles feels sore

*

The age that I perceive is a number with variation wide

I feel young at heart, yet I am afraid deep inside

That I may not have enough years left to realize

All the dreams that I had visualized

Unpredictability makes me nervous and uncomfortable

When things are uncertain I am unable

To wait, watch, relax, go with the flow

That everything is under control, I want to know..

*

Over the last few years, far from predictable life has been

I should have learnt to deal with roadblocks previously unseen

Instead I am more risk-averse, I have no intention

Of moving towards an unknown direction

A boring, stable life is what I now crave

Where everything in a predictable fashion behaves

*

Viruses, weather, economy-all display

Varying levels of unpredictability these days

Whether I like it or not, I have to embrace

Uncertainty in life, in order to face

Adverse circumstances as they appear

I need to overcome my limiting fears..

*

From my past ventures let me derive inspiration

Uncertainty was at the front and center of immigration

And yet I navigated the unpredictable process

With hope and courage, to achieve success

*

In the face of uncertainty let me stand

Unfazed, undeterred, able to withstand

Any challenge that comes my way

The future was not meant to be predictable anyway

I am not a particularly responsible citizen in many ways

But I do contemplate my carbon footprint these days..

*

I live in an affluent part of the world and consume

More resources than people in many other countries, I presume

Many disposable items I use just for convenience

I use plastic freely despite its toxic omnipresence

I drive a car to commute to work and back-

Looks like I need some reasonable hacks

To reduce my carbon footprint that is quite wide

I am embarrassed by habits in which I used to take pride..

*

I am learning to reduce, recycle and reuse

While shopping, pre-owned goods I try to choose

When organizations and businesses I endorse

Greenwashing from true sustainable growth I try to parse

But I still consume much more than I need

Reducing my carbon footprint is a work in progress indeed..

Marketing tactics do not target your wallet, instead,

They target your wounds- this statement I recently read

It caught my attention being eerily true

While at the same time being tragic too..

*

The deep insecurities you have internalized

The myriad ways in which you have been made to realize

That you are flawed- all of your vulnerabilities

Are exploited freely by many industries

*

Therefore before you give into the temptation to buy

A product that appeals to your emotions, you should try

To see where the messaging behind the product leads

You do not want to fall into the trap cleverly laid for people like you indeed

The message is designed to keep you feeling insecure

But it is in your own hands to ensure

That you spend your money using reason as a guide

Identifying your emotions and keeping them aside

Every woman around me seems to be

More poised, more polished, more confident than me

It seems other women have cracked the code of success

At juggling various responsibilities with minimal stress

While above water I can barely keep my head

On the same water, other women effortlessly seem to tread..

*

I really would like to be a fly on the wall

And observe how some women do it all

How they multi-task without missing a beat

How they accomplish the nearly impossible feat

Of maintaining between work and home a balance delicate

What can I learn from them, and incorporate

In my life so that I do not feel stretched thin like I do

Maybe I can learn to be a superwoman too…

*

Into the rabbit hole of comparison as I keep sinking

My inner voice challenges my line of thinking-

Why do I believe others have figured it out

Why do my own capability I doubt

Just by looking at the highlight reels others display

When I do the same on social media anyway?

*

Let me reach out to my friends (offline)

Have honest conversations with them and find

if there are tips and tricks that can be shared

Amongst ourselves so that we are better prepared

To take on the real challenges that we face

In real life, not in the illusory social media space

To reduce the anxiety of public speaking, I read

Try reframing anxiety as excitement instead..

*

Though anxiety may be expected, it makes us lose

A sense of control over our actions, but if we choose

To think we are excited, it gives us a sense of agency

More under our control the situation appears to be

*

Next time I am shivering in my shoes and slick with perspiration

I shall trick myself into feeling excited about the situation

Hopefully I would speak with more confidence

And be successful in engaging my audience

I have spent years trying to find

A seat at the table, only to be declined

To bring my own folding chair I have tried

To somehow inveigle my way inside

But the table always seems to remain

Out of my reach, I have tried in vain

To just keep on the table one hand

To claim my place, as I continue to stand

Even that much I have been unable to achieve

Fighting for a place at the old table is futile, I’ve come to believe

*

There is a workable alternative-

Let us build a new table and give

An open invitation to people to claim a seat

Assemble a diverse group that can compete

With the old establishment, and create

A new playbook, that varied opinions celebrates

There should also be an ability reasonable

To expand, and add new participants to the table

*

I don’t have a seat at the proverbial table

But to build my own, I am indeed capable…

Despite being someone who reads quite fast

I’ve found that my attention span does not last

Long enough for me to read an article in its entirety

I am looking for a synopsis or a summary

Of the major points because it seems to take

Too many grey cells to read through and make

My own impression- I want to just get the gist

The temptation to divert my attention elsewhere I cannot resist

*

I skim through the highlights and convince myself I’ve understood

As much about the topic as I would

By reading each word and each line

I’ve read the salient points and that should be just fine

*

Later I realize it has been hard to retain

The information I’d read, I know I should not complain

I skipped the details earlier, there is a price to pay

For taking a shortcut, what else can I say?

*

In an era where AI can instantly summarize

Any topic in seconds, I’ve come to realize

That anything worth reading should be

Read word by word, in its entirety

And as for my limited attention span

It’s not going to improve if all I do is scan

An article instead of making an effort

To read it with concentration, word by word

*

So instead of browsing my medical journal, I’ve decided today

That I shall pick the most interesting article and read it all the way

My relationship with reading is getting frayed

It is time for major amends to be made

I made a last minute dash to the store

To buy art supplies for my kindergartner, and returned with something more-

As I grabbed crayons, I came across a set of colored pens

I bought them on a whim, not knowing if or when

They would find use- my creativity had been lying dormant

But I brought home pens and some card-stock without a clear intent..

*

They languished in a corner until they were rediscovered by me

I decided it was time to explore my creativity

For several hours I searched the internet

For inspiration in terms of style and subject

*

I found inspiration in the various forms of Indian folk art

Going back to my roots was a good way to start

There was a plethora of themes and styles from which to select

In-depth information on folk art forms I began to collect

*

From colored pens on paper to acrylic pens on canvas primed

I have been creating art, one small project at a time

After several years, I am still a novice

To the intricacies of Indian folk art I hardly do justice

But this creative journey has had a two-fold effect

I’ve learnt how to draw, and with my culture I’ve been able to reconnect

I came across an intriguing exercise

It was to draw a giraffe with closed eyes-

What this exercise would accomplish I was eager to find out

At the very least, it would be an interesting thing to talk about

*

I checked out pictures of a giraffe and went through the drawing in my mind

Then I closed my eyes and let my pen outline

The shape of a giraffe, I must admit here

That initially I was hesitant, and filled with fear

What if the blindly drawn picture did not resemble an actual giraffe?

I told myself that the result would still elicit a good laugh..

*

The drawing was not as bad as I had feared it would be

I can now see the purpose of the exercise clearly

While drawing with closed eyes I had to forego

Some degree of control and just go with the flow

Of my hands and my brain, it served as a calming technique

Since I could not see what I was doing, my inner critic could not speak

I drew without judgment, without pressure to perform

There was no expectation to which I had to conform

*

I drew a giraffe with closed eyes

I learnt a lot by doing it, to my surprise