Passion…unbridled

I can barely make sense of what happened today

I went to work not knowing things were headed this way

The keyboard is probably still grimy from my touch

Why I was let go, I do not understand much..

Or, not at all- it was only a few weeks ago

That I had finally started to grow

In my career, and now I have joined the ranks

Of the unemployed, I can only thank

My stars that I have some savings stashed away

Meant to carry me through a rainy day..

*

I finished my college degree with a substantial loan

And in the world of job-seekers I was thrown

On that battlefield I still remain

Enduring day after day the excruciating pain

Of rejection from yet another organization

It seems my degree has little application

In the real world- but I still have bills to pay The student loan also looms over my head every day

*

I tried hard to find a job that would be commensurate

With my educational qualifications, but fate

A different plan for me had deployed

I have a job, but I am underemployed

I get paid, but it barely covers the bills

I am looking for a better position still

*

Different stories, different paths that have now converged

In the depths of unemployment and despair we are now submerged

Looking for jobs is the hardest thing we have done

We cannot give up, we’ve just begun

I came across this French phrase today

It resonated with me in a profound way

It refers to the “inner shelf”, the library we all carry inside

Where all the stories that have shaped us reside

Quotes that touched me, excerpts of books that I read

All the irrelevant details that got stuck in my head

A collection of memories brimming with emotions

My unwavering beliefs and unyielding notions-

All of them inhabit this inner library of mine

Who I was in the past, and who I am now, they define

**

From my inner shelf I hope to draw inspiration

And write something that is a representation

Of my unique journey, my lived experience

Weave a new story borrowing from this treasure immense..

*

This exotic sounding phrase is a reminder to me

That my inner shelf has the tools to propel my creativity

Is it true or is it my flawed perception here

But I have noticed in the past few years

A steady deterioration of quality

In pretty much everything around me..

*

I wonder if we as a society are allowing our standards to fall

Does the quality of what we produce not matter at all

Research, news articles, material goods, education

In every sphere I see a gradual deterioration

In our capabilities, do we no longer believe

Our very best do we not want to achieve?

*

I worry once lower standards become the norm

Lower would be the pressure on us to conform

To the higher standards established before

And quality would deteriorate more

*

The global pandemic was a good excuse

For reduction in quality, but it can no longer be used

To continue producing work that is subpar

Instead of letting standards slide, we need to raise the bar..

*

This is a reminder to myself that I should not let

The quality of my work suffer, lower standards I should not accept…

I have always wondered if writing can be taught

On taking a formal writing course, I have entertained the thought

But the idea of being tied down with rules is daunting to me

I know saying this sounds like brazen audacity

I am not a writer, or a poet, just someone who loves to write

Without adhering to rules or guidelines, just jotting down what feels right

*

If someone gave me feedback, I am afraid I would not take

Kindly to the advice, I would hesitate to make

Changes to my writing, in style or content

To alter my voice I would be reluctant

*

It has taken me long to find my authentic voice

And longer to use it in the midst of ambient noise

I don’t want to lose it or let it be influenced

By anyone else, hence my reluctance..

*

Someday, when enough confidence I have gained

In my voice, when I feel my authenticity I can sustain

The craft of writing I shall try to learn from the experts

Until then I shall continue with my solo efforts

I look for ways in which time I can save

If there is an activity from which minutes I can shave

I pare down time spent on it with surgical precision

I cut off all the frills, the need to make a decision

Until I have discovered the shortest possible way

To accomplish a task, with the idea of finding more time in my day

*

One such activity I have identified

Is eating- the luxury of a leisurely meal can be sacrificed

In favor of saving precious time that can then be

Spent in activities considered necessary-

So I scarf down food as quickly as I can chew

I pack my lunch to eat on the go too

I try to do something else as I eat

Time, or the lack thereof, I’m trying to defeat

*

Unfortunately this is not how food should be consumed

In my daily calendar I should make room

To eat my meals slowly and with mindfulness

My hurried eating leads to unpleasant consequences, I confess

*

Sitting at a table with my family, giving thanks and then eating a meal

Slowly and deliberately, savoring every bite, heavenly does feel

I should remind myself to slow down and eat mindfully most days

Hopefully I shall reap its benefits in different ways..

(I recently heard a piece on NPR regarding how Ukrainian teachers and students were keeping education alive despite war, that was deeply moving. I then looked up other articles regarding the same, and even came across a journal article regarding Ukrainian teachers’ stress and coping during the war. So here I am trying to write from the perspective of a Ukrainian teacher)

“Let us solve quadratic equations today”

In a tone of fake enthusiasm I say

I scan the students’ faces on my screen

Terror, fear, boredom, anger- all of these I have seen

In their eyes, but today all of them just appear bored

I thank the stars that there is nothing more

I just hope the next forty-five minutes are free

From interruptions from sirens, air raids, missiles flying, but that seems to be

Wishful thinking these days, more often than not

Right now, teaching algebra to my class is my only thought

*

Our school has been destroyed, we conduct classes online

We have moments of normalcy, when we seem to be doing fine

But the unpredictability of war is all-pervasive

In constant fear of being bombed we live

I have had to stop teaching algebra to console

My students petrified from an air-raid- my role

Has expanded beyond teaching, the responsibility sometimes overwhelms me

As I fear for my students and my family’s safety simultaneously

*

We still make it work, my students get stellar grades

They are mature beyond their years, they have learnt to wade

Through the troubled waters of war, building resilience admirable

Education is the anchor when everything else is unstable..

Teac

Between the depth of slumber and the height of wakefulness

I stay suspended in midair, trying to force my brain to process

Tasks at a cerebral level, as it tries to default

To its reptilian version, bringing to a halt

Anything that executive functioning requires

I subsist at a sub-cerebral level, my only desire

Being to crawl in my bed for a night of repose

But I’m caught in sleep deprivation’s throes..

*

The world seems lackluster, time interminable

Of forming coherent thoughts I seem incapable

It takes supreme effort to engage in conversation

I want to be left alone, in my miserable situation

*

The day drags on, it is time to leave the workplace

The demands of home I am not quite ready to face

Time passes in a blur, through the motions I go

What I’ve been doing, I barely know..

*

When I hit the bed, almost instantly

I can feel sleep trying to engulf me

I wake up the next day, satiated

Profound slumber has left me rejuvenated

I read a quote that creativity is subtraction-

To let ideas sprout, one must let go of distractions

Tune out the twenty-four hour cycle of news

Forget materialistic pleasures and choose

Solitude and silence, to make space

For creative magic to take place..

*

I’ve been doing quite the opposite, I confess

Paying attention to the buzz around me, hoping for success

In finding ideas for my writing inspired by events around me

But the noise has become overwhelming for me

I cannot say whether I get new ideas but I do know

That the constant doomscrolling makes my anxiety grow

By the state of the world, my creative expression is affected

The despair I feel is in my writing reflected

*

I should find a quiet corner and let my mind wander

On the deeper meaning of life, I should ponder

Let inspiration come from within, through self-reflection

And not in the form of an emotional reaction

A lot of advice is centered on having a vision

And mapping it out with clarity and precision

Therefore I was quite surprised to find

The idea of keeping an anti-vision in mind..

*

If you are certain that you do not

Want something in your life, then the thought

Of writing it down solidifies your intent

You ensure that in the future your energy is not spent

On what does not with your vision align

By eliminating inconsequential stuff, you can design

Your life in accordance with your vision

Make it easier in the future to take a decision

*

Now that I think about it, this idea appears attractive

Let me spell out my anti-vision first, and then give

To my actual vision, my less divided attention

And build the life I want with intention

I think an important lesson as an adult I have learnt

After many instances of being burnt

Is that everything that appears to be free

Has a cost associated with it invariably

Taking something for granted assuming it to be free

A grave error of judgment can turn out to be

*

Having realized that, I will also say

That trying to find hidden costs has made me cynical in a way

Every innocuous appearing freebie with suspicion I view

Is it my time, attention, my opinion or something else that is providing value?

This transactional thinking often weighs heavily on my mind

I wish hidden costs I did not need to find..

*

With a free offering, I shall not be enticed

If I really want something, I’d rather pay the right price

A creature of habit I had become

New ways of doing things I did not welcome

On years of experience I would often rely

Novel ideas I was reluctant to try

Every new tool with skepticism I would view

Changing my practices is something I would rarely do..

*

Despite my pretense of contentment I remained restless

I was suffocating in my close-mindedness

As an answer to my questions, almost serendipitously

The Zen concept of Shoshin was revealed to me

So my life in various areas I began to examine

Through the beginner’s mindset, or Shoshin

*

I began to let go of notions preconceived

I began to challenge my dogmatic beliefs

Like a beginner, I started enjoying new ways of doing things

And noticed I was happier, my enthusiasm was brimming

*

I hope the beginner’s mindset stays with me

So that I can keep learning continuously

I’m not a good listener, I confess

I often tend to talk in excess

But there I times when I am present

In places where a minority I represent

Where I am considered good enough to receive an invitation

But not good enough to make a contribution

*

That expressing myself would be futile, this fact once I realize

I decide to stay quiet and often, to my surprise

I listen intently to the discussion around me

And unlike my usual self, I become a listener extraordinary

*

I have learnt a lot by listening passively

Being unimportant is a blessing actually

When I cannot talk, I must hear what others have to say

And I pick up valuable advice along the way