Passion…unbridled

“Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know possible.” ― Tia Walker

You stay in the background, behind the wheelchair

You have valuable insights to share

That are relevant to the medical condition

Of the one you care for, your loved one

You’ve driven her here, wheeled her in

Listened to her rants while waiting

To her personal needs you have promptly attended

You’ve fed her since it is taking longer than intended

To be seen by the physician, they’re running behind

You’re rehearsing what to say repeatedly in your mind

Some uncomfortable truths you have to relay

To the physician, but that must not get in the way

Of your tenuous relationship as a caregiver

You know you constantly battle with her

About being compliant with medications

You want this to be reinforced by her physician

But you must do it tactfully, because you know

How that conversation could go

With vehement denials from her side

How much to say, and how, you’re still trying to decide

*

The physician appears, quiet in the background you stay

But then speak up before they turn away

You are just the caregiver, the focus is on the patient

But to reveal your perspective seems important..

*

The visit is over, you wheel your patient out

She would be annoyed at your interjection, no doubt

But she turns to you and unexpectedly says,

“Thank you for keeping me on track always”

*

That one sentence is enough to melt away

Your caregiver fatigue, at least for the day

I read that reading consistently rewires your brain in such a way

That new neural connections are formed, depression is kept at bay

Not that I need another reason to read any more than I do already

It is still heartening to know that I’m doing something beneficial for me..

*

While interacting with social media keeps the sympathetic nervous system in overdrive

Books stimulate the parasympathetic system, essential to revive

Depleted stores of energy that you on a regular basis face

Watching videos with reading you might try to replace

*

You watch educational videos, you argue

You can learn from them anything you want to

But when you read you have to imagine each scene

That is a powerful way to use brain cells, it means

You are exercising both cerebral hemispheres simultaneously

What can a better way of engaging your brain be?

*

In order to preserve my shrinking brain cells I read

The ability of my brain to develop new pathways I need

Enough said, let me now curl up in a cozy nook

And read with pleasure a well-written book

I had been around illnesses for many years

But until covid hit, I had never experienced fear

Of catching a virus, getting sick from exposure

To sick patients, though in full disclosure

I was careful with hand hygiene, as expected of me

But that was all I did, never did I worry

About exposure to germs even in the flu season

To take extra precautions there seemed no reason

*

Covid has altered my relationship with germs permanently

I have become a germaphobe evidently

Personal protective gear is my best friend

My distance from other people I subconsciously extend

I start getting worried when respiratory viruses strike

My anxiety levels increase as flu, Covid and RSV spike

Each time I sneeze, cough or blow my nose

I worry if I’ve caught a bug from contact close

*

Covid has taught me to respect viruses of almost kinds

Protecting myself from exposure is a priority in my mind

The indelible impact of colonization

Is evident in many ways on my education

Besides using English as the medium in which I would learn

From the cultural heritage of India my attention I turned

To the rest of the world, trying to understand

The culture of the west, neglecting to learn that of my homeland

*

The literature, art and architecture of the west I found

More enticing, I thought more erudite I would sound

If I could be knowledgeable about the world outside

In consumption of Western culture, I took pride..

*

Now I’ve been there and done that, the patina has faded

In the nation that epitomizes Western hegemony, I now live and have integrated

Into its cultural fabric, to a large extent

In an ironic reversal, my interests have now bent

Back to my homeland, I want to learn and explore

More of its art, craft, literature and folklore..

*

The scale of cultural diversity in India is much larger than I had appreciated

My eyes are being opened to its richness, I have incorporated

More of my homeland in my creative expression

In a way, you could call it a reverse cultural obsession

But I view engagement with Indian culture to be

Both a tribute to my homeland and an unacknowledged apology

Each day feels like the news could not get worse

But it does, affecting my resilience in a manner adverse

Bit by bit, I can feel my composure slip away

My anxiety goes up by a notch or two every day

*

Went through the pandemic, working in healthcare

Witnessed a devastating hurricane, but I am even more scared

By the direction the world around me is taking now

Am I living a dystopian nightmare somehow?

*

With danger and uncertainty everything seems fraught

Suffering inflicted upon innocent lives leaves me distraught

Silver linings to dark clouds tomorrow I hope to see

Tonight I shall close my eyes and pray fervently..

When disaster strikes, demands on healthcare services are higher

But healthcare delivery is compromised, adding fuel to fire…

*

Healthcare resources are severely strained

During disasters such as fires, floods and hurricanes

Disruption of power and communication, resources stretched thin

Added burden of injured patients as recovery efforts begin

Healthcare professionals struggling through personal grief

As they continue to treat their patients, provide them relief

The usual organized chaos of healthcare facilities replaced

By a state of disarray as vital shortages they face

*

Each time disaster strikes, its repercussions on healthcare

Last beyond the original event, there is no choice but to prepare

For disasters in advance as they continue to increase in frequency

The toll of these disasters on people’s health for years we expect to see

Many people write books, and excellent ones too

Being an avid reader, writing a book is what I want to do

But as soon as I say it out loud, I am plagued with self-doubt

What can I say that has not already been said, what can I write about?

And even if I were to accomplish the monumental task

Of writing a book, who would publish it, who could I ask

To read my manuscript and an honest opinion give

If I fall short of my expectations, with perpetual disappointment I would live

*

That writers are a special breed is what I had always thought

But seeing people around me write books has brought

Me to the realization that perhaps it is possible for me as well

But each time I contemplate it, I start to dwell

On the imposter syndrome that becomes quite prominent

Whenever to be a published author I express my intent

*

A course or even a class in writing I have not taken

I would need to learn writing formally, if I’m not mistaken

Before I can write something that is publishable

But given the constraints on my time I am unable

To participate in a program meant for those who aspire to write

I am trying to see if there is another path towards writing that is right..

*

So many half-baked thoughts, so many fragmented aspirations

Embedded in my writing, hope they would find consummation

In books that my future self would complete

I continue to hope that I shall accomplish that feat..

Today I learnt something by watching my son

Who practiced repeatedly his music lesson

Until he got the notes and pitch right

Playing an instrument is not his forte, he had to fight

His lack of interest in playing, and his limited ability

To complete the assignment satisfactorily

Granted, he was driven by the desire to get a high grade

But through multiple subpar attempts, his determination did not fade

It took him hours to complete this assignment

He ended with the heady feeling of accomplishment

*

His perseverance contrasts sharply with lack of mine

I give up more easily if something challenging I find

Since academic excellence as a child seemed easy to achieve

Somehow I erroneously came to believe

That if I could not do something well immediately

I was not smart enough to do it, that activity was not for me

*

Now I realize how nearly all my life I have been

Giving up on learning new skills, imagining roadblocks unseen

As I applaud the perseverance of my son

I am also trying to imbibe a new lesson

There is a monotony that has set in

My creative endeavors, I want to give a new spin

To my projects, try out a medium new

But I am afraid of the unfamiliar too

What if I mess up, what if I cannot complete

A novel undertaking, would it defeat

The purpose of me dabbling in something different

When my time could have been in a tried and tested art form spent..

*

But monotony stifles creativity, I know

Therefore boldly towards a new form of creative expression I go

The brushstrokes are new, the process intimidating appears

I make mistakes, but complete the project despite my fears

The exercise has opened wide the doors

To a new art form and I can continue to explore

*

The veil of monotony has been lifted

With a fresh perspective I’ve been gifted

I decide not to stay confined

To one form of creative expression but find

Different ways to engage my artistic side

And open the gates of creativity more wide

In preceding millennia millions used to be displaced

By wars, natural disasters, pestilences that they faced

After the world wars we seemed to have achieved

A semblance of balance, we came to believe

That mass displacements would not happen any more

Society was more stable than ever before

*

The illusion lasted for a few decades

For the most part, people safely stayed

In their homes, though some were forced to flee

Their homelands due to political and economic instability

Natural disasters seemed manageable

Overall the world just seemed more stable

*

In the past few years that semblance of stability

Has been lost, despite enhanced scientific capabilities

Unpredictable severe weather events are increasingly disruptive

To daily lives, often highly destructive

To lives and property, leading to an increasing number of people being displaced

Our problems are worse than those we have previously faced

*

Torrential floods, hurricanes, earthquakes and wildfires

Grave are the consequences of our planet’s ire

We have to pause using the earth’s resources indiscriminately

The planet has been making it clear to us lately

Going to the doctor sometimes appears to be

The adult version of being called to the principal’s office to me

My heart is pounding because I do not know

What to expect, what my vitals would show

Just as being called to the principal’s office could mean

Recognition, reprimand, or anything in between

For a progress report from my doctor I wait

Not knowing exactly what to anticipate..

*

Some people find their work performance review

To be similar to being in the school principal’s office too

I can fortunately say work performance does not

Provoke anxiety in my mind a lot

Because I know how I am doing at work already

The performance review is not an unknown quantity

But at the doctor’s office, there is an unpredictability in the verdict

My tests can get worse even when I’ve been sticking to a regimen strict

*

I breathe a sigh of relief when things turn out

In the acceptable range, the cloud of doubt

Is lifted, more lightly I can now tread

Just like I would if the principal had words of encouragement said…

“Think you I bear the shears of destiny? Have I commandment on the pulse of life?”

– William Shakespeare, King John (1623)

This poem describes someone with a left ventricular assist device/VAD, which is a surgically implanted heart pump used for patience with Advanced heart failure. The pump sucks and blood from the heart and sensor to the rest of the body continuously, and therefore most of these patients do not have a pulse. However, they feel much better and can function like a normal human being as long as they are connected to external sources of power.

I stand before you, alive and well

That I have no pulse, you could never tell

Unless you placed your finger to feel

Where my pulse should be, let me reveal

The secret behind this radiant complexion of mine

This pulselessness has my life redefined..

*

I had heart failure that was taking every moment of every day

Quite literally, my struggling breath away

My heart beat irregularly, over me loomed the threat

Of impending doom, my body was flirting with death

I had a pulse then, but it did not amount to much

After endless healthcare visits, I received the healing touch

Of a left ventricular assist device, and paradoxically

It took away my pulse as it gave my life back to me..

*

The machine lets the blood course efficiently

Through every part of my body, continuously

My heart does not beat the way yours would do

But I have undergone revival as a person new

My hopes and desires, once dashed to the ground

Are resurfacing as I reflect on my life with gratitude profound

*

A new lease on life, reimagined, with a VAD

Being alive and kicking, without a pulse, ain’t bad!