Passion…unbridled

Was I more confident in my youth or is that a fable

That I tell myself, to feel that I am capable

Of projecting more confidence currently since I had done that in the past

Either way, I am trying to understand why I’m losing confidence fast…

*

Was it the audacity of youth that had made me fearless

Or was it because in my youth I achieved success

In my career, but now I have stagnated

With that my confidence has also abated..

*

Like most of us, in my youth invincible I felt

But with increasing number of years under my belt

I am clearly aware of my vulnerability

And that has snatched my confidence from me..

*

Let me reframe this in terms of my age-

I am older, and under less pressure to engage

With the world around me in a conventional way

I should therefore be more confident today

Than I was before- I have nothing to prove

All my efforts should be directed to improve

In a direction in which I want to go

With faith, confidence, at my pace slow..

You have been tasked with giving a speech, but you do not know

Where to start, there is a roadblock and ideas do not freely flow

So you turn to charGPT for some advice and aid

And within seconds a workable outline has been laid

Using the outline as a scaffolding, in your own words you write

The first draft of your speech, but something does not feel right

The speech touches upon every point relevant

But it seems too generic in its content

*

Already unhappy about having “cheated”

You re-read your draft to see what can be deleted

And replaced by something distinctive

Something that does not appear contrived, but instinctive

*

What could be more distinctive than a personal story told

As part of your speech, that could the audience’s attention hold

You realize you have a deeply personal story to tell

That could tie in with your speech and increase its impact as well

You rewrite the speech incorporating your story unique

You are reasonably confident the audience’s interest it would pique

*

The day of the speech arrives, and despite your nervousness

You deliver the speech in a manner flawless

Your story resonates with your audience, leads to some moist eyes

It is clear that incorporating the story was wise

*

Great speakers are the ones who tell personal tales

Engaging the audience with old-fashioned storytelling never fails

I have some aspirations and I try to set

For myself realistic goals and targets

Once I start working on my goals, I want to beat

The timeline I have set, I want to complete

My goals much ahead of the deadline

So that the goalpost I can redefine

*

To achieve the goals I have defined for myself, I cannot wait

Getting to the finish line faster is the only outcome that seems to satiate

My competitive spirit, reaching a milestone earlier than expected

Gives me a high, on the other hand, being late leaves me dejected

*

Some goals are easier than others to achieve

If a goal is related to something in which I wholeheartedly believe

I tend to reach it much faster, while the ones that need

A push on my part deadlines tend to exceed

*

Slow and steady wins the race-myself I remind

But I cannot shake the sense of urgency from my mind

That growing up in a nation with limited resources I had imbibed

I am in a constant race with me, is how my behavior I would describe

*

I so not set lofty goals, I keep them doable enough

Yet achieving every target in a timely manner is tough

I achieve some goals, on others some progress I make

Some get abandoned, in my stride such failures I take

*

As the end of the year approaches, I’m trying to evaluate

Which goals I have reached, which goals require me to accelerate

My efforts, and which ones are best left to the side

My hands are full as the next steps I decide

When you are confused the first thing you want to find

Is clarity of thought- you want to organize the chaos in your mind

A complex messy problem you want to deconstruct

Into simpler parts, such that it ceases to obstruct

Your thought process, you want to separate

Each component of the problem and create

A tidy solution- therefore you always try

In the face of confusion and complexity, to simplify

*

Confusion is uncomfortable but what if you were to embrace

The confusion in your life without trying to replace

It with simpler solutions like you are conditioned to do

You might end up being happier too

Because most problems in life tend to be

Complex and convoluted invariably

You assume everything can and should be simplified

But it is not so, and your discomfort is amplified

You are constantly looking for clarity

If you are confused, you cannot be happy

*

I am learning to take confusion in my stride

Life is confusing- by this dictum I abide

When I get a weekend where I can stay

In my pajamas at home all day

I decide I am going to take things slow

Luxuriate in the extra time, just go with the flow

But unfortunately there are neglected chores to complete

That I cannot attend to during weekdays as I deplete

All my energy and time at work- so the weekend

That began with the promise of extra time I start to spend

Rather fast in completing tasks mundane

The perception of abundance of time starts to wane..

*

In the weekend I have resolved to pursue

Recreational activities that fill my cup, but I cannot get to

During working days, so I want to entertain friends

To indulge my creativity is also my intent

I have resolved to catch up on rest as well

That is an overambitious plan already, as you can probably tell..

*

Most of the time the weekend flies by

Without accomplishing much, in the blink of an eye

But I’ve had a weekend where I am overjoyed to state

I was able to work on almost everything on my plate

With all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed in preparation for Monday

I shall sleep soundly tonight knowing I had a fruitful day..

Situations in life often incite strong emotions

And in the ensuing mental commotion

I tend to get excited in a manner reactive

But convincing myself that I’m being proactive

I galvanize myself into action, trying to improve

The situation, as fast as possible I want to move

To avert further crises, I want to get ahead

Of the problems causing confusion in my head

*

More often than not, I just end up wasting my time and energy

No constructive outcomes occur as a result of my frenzy

Over time, complicated situations tend

To sort themselves out to a great extent

Complexities themselves unravel on their own

Into problems that are simpler, with solutions known

*

I realize that the presumed proactive approach of mine

Was actually reactive, and there was no sign

That jumping up and down in excitement had been productive

My lesson learnt was that to complex issues, more time I should give

*

Now I wait a little, take a little action

I tone down my panicked reaction

Sometimes issues resolve completely without any need

For my hasty intervention indeed

(Writing poems about medical and scientific issues feels a bit weird, but this is how I write..)

If you were destined to develop a fatal disease, would you rather know

About it beforehand, or would you want to go

Through your life oblivious of the peril you could face

Would you want a glimpse into your future or would you uncertainty embrace?

*

Although hypothetical these questions appear

For someone undergoing genetic testing for a familial disease, they provoke much fear

If there are no manifestations of a disease

Knowing it can surface in the future may cause unease

If the test happens to be negative

With peace of mind one can live

But if the test is positive then there is a constant fear

That any time in the future the disease might appear

Sometimes a positive test means a future death sentence

Sometimes the disease manifestation is much less intense..

And even though scientific advancements continue

Treatments for hereditary diseases are relatively few..

*

Knowledge can be power, but it can be burdensome

Being oblivious of one’s risks for a disease and taking life as it comes

May be the preferred approach for some but for others, not

With such grey areas is the practice of medicine fraught..

*

This is not a scientific discourse, therefore my biased opinion I shall give

Without knowing my future risks for disease I want to live

The thought of illness is profoundly anxiety-provoking for me

And a positive genetic test with unclear ramifications I do not want to see..

Recently I was disheartened on reading an article provocative

That cited the inability of elite college students to give

Enough attention to a book to read it in its entirety

This is a significant change from prior generations unfortunately

Whereas reading short articles and summaries is fine

Reading a book cover to cover daunting they find..

*

Of course the students are no less smart than were before

The problem has to be with systematic learning therefore

When most of the learning happens online

Where updated information in minutes one can find

There seems no incentive to read a complete book

Where one has to spend hours in order to look

For information pertinent to one’s scholarly needs

Thus contemporary students are less inclined to search for books and read..

*

Great books continue to be written

And for someone like me who was by the bug of reading bitten

At a young age, thousands of books I have read

My curiosity about the world great books have fed

And increased my capacity to imbibe information new

Encouraging a love for reading from a young age is what I want to do

For all the children out there including mine

So that in college and beyond, they continue to find

New ideas that their curiosity pique

And encourage them to form opinions unique

*

As I wax poetic about reading books I realize

With artificial intelligence aided learning on the rise

Reading books might appear to have utility even less

The thought fills me with indescribable sadness…

(My thoughts on the tragedy in NYC)

An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind

Vigilante justice is not what we should have in mind..

*

Should there not be a legal recourse

To fight back, to allow the executive powers to enforce

Laws that would protect citizens from being sacrificed

By health insurance companies for their greed, it is not a surprise

That the current state of healthcare insurance has left

Millions stranded, of affordable medical coverage bereft

Contributed to delays or denials of treatment

Enough to lead to boiling anger and resentment..

*

This is a sign of troubled times indeed

But violence is not the answer we need

Profitability over human life- a moral question in need of a reply

An answer that does not involve taking an eye for an eye…

An unexpected day off from work and household responsibility

Has fallen into your lap, you are filled with ecstasy

At the prospect of being able to indulge in self-care

To work on projects for which time you’ve been unable to spare

*

You are up early, totally energized

You are excited and want to get galvanized

Into activity as soon as possible, but a decision you make

To enjoy your morning coffee to help you feel awake

You scroll through social media, the news you skim through

There is plenty of time for everything you want to do

This is a day of freedom, so you go out for a stroll

You return invigorated down to your soul

You are ready to start one of the projects you had in mind

You head to the storage area so the necessary supplies you can find..

*

You discover a lot of junk, but what you need you don’t see

You realize cleaning and sorting are needed urgently

The next few hours go by in cleaning things out

You are exhausted and famished at the end, you cannot do without

A break to stretch your limbs, relax and eat

Once your energy stores are replete

You try to go back to the project you had in mind

But the afternoon heat is soporific and you are inclined

To take a nap, after all it is a day that is free

You resolve once you wake up you would work diligently

*

Unfortunately distractions follow and you never get

A chance to start even a single project..

*

This is the story of all my days that are free

My lofty plans turn to dust ultimately

I overstretch myself on working days and then

On a “rest day” myself I want to overextend

Maybe I should make no plans for a free day y

And just rest and recharge in every way

Though the narrative was that could do anything you wanted to

A number of limitations were placed on you

In your naïveté you believed everything you heard

You tried to work within those limits, it never occurred

To you that the beliefs you had internalized

Were holding you back, your potential was not fully realized

*

One day you ventured to break free

From those limiting beliefs, and learnt you could be

So much more than you had previously thought

Once the barrier was broken, new horizons you continuously sought

*

You can listen to the world and hold yourself back

The world will always remind you of what you lack

It is in your power to ignore that discouraging voice

You have the ability to make your choice

To mould yourself in the shape that you desire

To pursue boldly the goals to which you aspire

In the face of suffering should you just forget about

What has actually happened, should you try to move forward without

Acknowledging the tragedy that you face

Forget about it and exuberant positivity embrace

Of should you allow yourself to feel your pain

Mourn your loss, and then find a path towards a future uncertain?

*

I was always encouraged to ignore all pain

To look only on the bright side, to remain

Optimistic no matter what I felt inside

But I discovered that if my pain I were to hide

It would stay dormant but never leave me

I would never really move forward after a tragedy..

*

Always look on the bright side of things- this is the advice

Doled out repeatedly, but it tends to trivialize

The fact that in life, tragedy and suffering are inevitable

The secret to a productive life is to be able

To acknowledge, learn from and move past

Tragic situations, to build resilience that lasts..

*

Not toxic positivity, but tragic optimism I have embraced

I acknowledge my suffering, with hope the future I face