Passion…unbridled

At times a workaholic I can be

Taking time off is not easy for me

I have not taken a break unscheduled

That would feel like I’m breaking an unwritten rule

Before I take time off, I must ensure

Every task is completed, every loophole secured..

*

So I surprised myself and everyone around me

When I asked for a day off suddenly

I was not sick, but I felt quite burnt out

Workplace drama I wished I could do without

I had worked many days in a row

I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, and so

I ditched the feeling of guilt nagging at me

And proceeded to enjoy the rare luxury

Of time- to breathe and to practice self care

As the day went by, I became more aware

Of how constant work had robbed me of simple pleasures

The time I got to spend alone was a treasure..

*

It was just a day, but it felt longer for sure

And though my burnout it did not cure

I went back to work feeling better the next day

My mental exhaustion had been taken away

To spend time in solitude I prefer

As a loner to myself I refer

When I am free I am occupied

In solitary pursuits, curled up inside

A nook in my house, I rarely feel the need

To interact with another human being indeed…

*

Maybe I have deluded myself such that I believe

That I can be happy alone, I have made myself perceive

Being alone with my interests as a fulfilling state

Maybe the power of interpersonal interactions I underestimate..

*

I was about to spend a quiet evening alone

When I received a call from a friend on the phone

We chatted for hours, catching up and commiserating

Our conversation ended up being unexpectedly invigorating

It raised my spirits for the rest of the day

It drove the fleeting cloud of blues away

The most engrossing book could not have given me

The boost in spirits that our conversation did successfully

*

Perhaps I am not the loner I consider myself to be

I just need more friends to connect with deeply

A heart-to-heart conversation like the one we had

Is what could keep my spirits up, prevent me from feeling sad

To my preferences let me make amends

Let me discover ways to make more friends

It was by serendipity that I realized

The warrior mindset I had imbibed

Subconsciously, and through the years

It had served me well, let me conquer my fears

To achieve more, that spirit of competition

Had given me grit and ambition

But, I had been seeing the world in a warped way

As a battlefield, to score a win every day

Every situation I inadvertently perceived

As a challenge, I only felt relieved

After I had “conquered” the situation, got my point across

If things did not favor me, I took that as a loss

*

This warrior mindset is no longer conducive

To the slower pace at which I now want to live

The constant battles (in my head)

are wearing me out

The win/lose mentality I could definitely do without..

*

Now that I have gained useful insight

Into my mindset, I am ready to set things right

I must start perceiving life through a more neutral lens

Evaluate situations with equanimity, not with emotions intense

A warrior I no longer want to be

Let me adopt a peaceful mentality

When things keep going well, you do not feel as good as you do

When something goes well after things have been bad for you

It takes a bad experience to fully appreciate

The value of things being in a favorable state..

*

Life seems to be good to me for the most part

So when things are bad, I try not to lose heart

I look forward to feelings of gratitude and relief

After spending time in an unpleasant situation with grief

Because I have realized bad times do not forever stay

After a stormy night, brighter feels the next day

*

Good and bad have values comparative

Both come in a mixed bag and we live

With each of them in different measures

Sometimes we hurt, and sometimes experience pleasure

I would love to be a masterpiece, but I

Am just a work in progress- I would not lie

I stumble and fumble, forward and backward go

Through roadblocks, sometimes of my making, I forge a path slow..

*

I would love to be near-perfect, to have arrived

At my destination, fueled by ambition and drive

But I hobble and wobble, lose my steam

In the midst of projects, so I never seem

To reach that mythical place in my mind

That lofty pinnacle to conquer which I think I’m destined

*

I am perpetually a work in progress

Forever a part of an overall process

Of improvement, but I do fall short

Of becoming a masterpiece of sorts

*

What if I could change my mindset in such a way

That I feel I am both- a masterpiece and a work in progress any day

Perfect as I am, but with room to grow

Comfortable in my skin, but always eager to know

More ways to live my life more meaningfully

Perhaps a more contented person I could be..

If I could not be productive most days

I would think of myself as a failure in many ways

To get things done, and fast, I have been primed

Throughout my life, so when I do waste time

I feel guilty, because time is what I most lack

After all I search actively for productivity hacks

Sometimes I am too wired to fall asleep, and yet

If I am unproductive, less sleep I get

Because then my conscience continues to nag me

The sin of wasting precious time weighs down on me heavily

*

Is it my inner critic that ammunition finds

To berate me and play tricks with my mind

When I fall short of the lofty goals both of us have set

It loves to make me uncomfortable, make me fret..

*

I do, therefore I am is the dictum by which I seem to live

I feel vulnerable if I am unproductive

But sometimes on an unstoppable sprint am I

Then I feel invincible, I get an indescribable high

*

My highly active self shall age as time goes by

And I shall drop from my productivity high

I hope my inner critic is able to extend me some grace

As I settle into a more relaxed, less productive phase

This is the story of my life every night

I know I should sleep but I continue to fight

All the thoughts racing in my head

My brain does not wind down but speeds up instead

Once I am done with my chores for the day

All sorts of ideas, creative and strategic, come my way

Sometimes I decide to act on them at a later date

But when I try to sleep, my mind retains its stimulated state

At other times, I feel compelled to act immediately

So that I can capture a rare idea accurately

Both scenarios to a similar conclusion lead

I end up getting less sleep than I need..

*

Once I wake up in the morning I get galvanized

In a predictable flurry of activity, before I realize

Where the day has fled by, it is time to go to bed

At that time creative juices start flowing in my head

Why does it not work the other way around?

Why don’t ideas appear in my brain in the morning, so I can get sleep sound!

When did working long hours become

A sign of productivity, a badge of honor for some?

*

Many times, knowingly or unknowingly

We show one-upmanship in being busy

In a not-so-subtle manner we try to convey

That we are important, we cannot idle away

Our time in frivolous pursuits since we work day and night

A ready-made universal excuse it becomes

To avoid social obligations that appear burdensome

*

In public we talk about our long hours with pride

While we yearn for a shorter work day deep inside

Poring over paperwork is not an attractive way to spend

An evening for anyone, no matter what we pretend..

*

I am guilty of telling everyone how busy I am most days

Though I am constantly on the lookout for ways

To reduce my hours spent at work, by being more efficient

To spend time at home every evening is my intent

When I am bored out of my mind

When household chores onerous I find

I sing a song that fond memories evokes

Sometimes I add in a few dance strokes

I do not hum, I sing quite loudly, I confess

I invigorate myself thoroughly in the process..

I do not really possess a singing voice

I may screech trying to vocalize the song of my choice

There is nothing musical about my breaking into song

The lyrics are in my head, and I sing along

My family mostly puts up with me

But for anyone else, annoying it would be

To hear me sing with abandon such

This is not a habit I talk about much..

*

Listening to the same song is not as effective

In elevating my mood, the same pleasure it does not give

Therefore whenever I feel bored, I shall continue

To sing to myself, and encourage you to try it too

I scroll up and down, and scroll some more,

I keep doom-scrolling, I’ve lost score

Of the countless thoughts that have crossed my mind

Not a single one of them is uplifting, I find

I keep sinking deeper into a well of despair

But still scroll mindlessly, unaware

Of the passage of time, yet I cannot will

Myself to stop, I keep consuming content still

When I scroll through news, the sky seems to be falling down

There is nothing positive, just doom and gloom all around

If I check out professional websites it seems

Being fulfilled as a physician is a distant dream..

*

I keep scrolling, the world appears progressively more bleak

It almost appears as if negativity I actively seek

Then I remind myself that the devious algorithms are at play

They dole out content in such a way

That you sink into an echo chamber deep

If you started with negativity, that is the theme you keep

*

So I forcibly get off my device

Doom-scrolling was making me depressed, I realize

My consumption of internet content I have to reduce

Otherwise my well-being I stand to lose

It is depressing to feel the creep

Of old age, all of us want to keep

The vigor of our youth forever

To lose energy and enthusiasm never

There are so many ways to conceal

The signs of age, but time does still steal

Youth away, no matter how much you delude

Yourself into thinking you would not let age intrude

On your spirits and your most cherished beliefs

But they change, so you have to turn over a new leaf..

*

Grey hair, aching muscles, deteriorating memory

Whether you like it or not, shall be featured in your story

You have to accept them, you may not have a choice

But this is the time to find your authentic voice

All this while you’ve been going with the flow

Now it is time to go on a new path, as fast or as slow

As you want, this is your life that you customize

Aging seems to punish you in many ways, let this be your prize

There was a time when I would cry

When I felt overwhelmed, I would lie

In a dark room by myself, tears pouring from each eye

Until they became annoying, and it was time to dry

My eyes- I would get up, wash my face and feel

Lighter, less burdened, and possibly healed..

*

The older I grew the more I internalized

That expressing emotion made you weak, I realized

In order to appear strong and in control

My tears needed to be invisible to every soul

The last thing I mistakenly wanted to convey

Was that I was using tears as ammunition to get my way..

*

So I stopped crying altogether, not even in solitude

Would tears fall from my eyes, I was pleased at my fortitude

I actually felt better about my lack of crying

To appear calm and strong, I seemed to be trying..

*

I did not cry but emotions did not stop flowing

I ended up anxious and frustrated, not knowing

How to process the turmoil deep inside

It manifested in anger when it could no longer hide

Being angry was not good, but at least weak I did not appear

As weak as I would have been perceived had I shed some tears

*

As I kept more emotions bottled up within me

Unfortunately I became increasingly angry

It hurt my relationships, and destroyed me more

Until one day I just broke down, shaken to the core

And realized nothing would work except crying my eyes out

I poured out pent-up emotions, and without doubt

At the end of it my catharsis was complete

I found myself feeling more hopeful and upbeat..

*

The pressure to never cry robs you indeed

Of a vital coping mechanism that you need

Better to shed some tears and move ahead

Than to keep negative emotions bottled in your head