Passion…unbridled

I know that more hours of sleep I need at night

Yet at the end of every day drowsiness I fight

Trying to stay up for an hour or two, alone with my thoughts

After the rest of the family has gone to bed and I know I would not

Be interrupted- this is the time for me to belong

To myself alone, throughout days that are long

I belong to my workplace or to my family

There is no time when I can belong to me

Except in the quietude of the night

Therefore I do not turn off the light

When I should, because the next day would come

And I would subservient to my responsibilities become..

I am told to eat fresh fruits and vegetables at each doctor’s visit

I understand this advice, if I could I would follow it

But I earn minimal wage and live in a food desert

Fresh food is not accessible to me, I cannot convert

Into a healthy eater when healthy food is out of reach for me

I continue to struggle with food insecurity

*

I am wheelchair bound and I try to be

As independent as I can, but it can be tricky

When there are no ramps or elevators in sight

When places don’t accommodate my wheelchair, and I fight

To literally get my foot in the door

I wish places were designed to be more

Accommodating for those with disability

I am limited by inaccessibility not inability

*

I would love to study further but there are no institutions here

Colleges in other cities are inaccessible to me, I fear

I don’t have the means to move out of my town right now

I still dream one day college would be accessible, somehow

***

In order to build a world just and equitable

Accessibility should be the focus, to enable

People from communities marginalized

To have equal access to resources to fully realize

Their potential- they do not need handouts or charity

They need the same tools as the dominant groups to reduce disparity

So when for the future people brainstorm, plan and design

Diverse voices should be included in order to align

The principles of equity with practice on the ground

The aim should be to increase accessibility all around

Calling customer service is something I dread

It’s supposed to be a service for helping people, instead

It ends up being a nightmare of interaction

With a bot, and of waiting (im)patiently for communication

With a real human being, who then has to verify

Your personal details painstakingly, often to end with a reply

That is barely satisfactory- if luck is on your side

The issue you’re calling about is resolved after you provide

Confidential information that you are afraid to divulge on the phone

You have no choice but to reveal it to a person unknown

If it’s not your day, you could be asked repeatedly

To stay on the line or try again later, you cannot break free

From the call for a period incredibly long

You almost start questioning if you did something wrong

In calling to get an issue fixed, perhaps it would be

Better to hang up and just pay the extra fee

That you were trying to eliminate

The extra cost does not seem worth the wait

*

As you wait to be connected you suddenly realize

Your giving up on the call would actually be nice

For the company involved, you would go on paying for something you don’t need

Making more profit for that company indeed

No wonder there is an incentive hidden there

If your precious time is being wasted, they don’t care

*

Sometimes you are lucky, today was one such day

My call to customer service went smoothly, I must say..

You take your children on a bucket-list trip to see

A world-famous monument steeped in history

You are excited, you expect them to share

Your enthusiasm, but they do not care

They are completely indifferent when they behold

What is supposedly a magnificent sight, truth be told

They would rather go back to the hotel and stay

In the room than brave the long queues in the sun today

On one hand, you are awed by the view

On the other, you are annoyed at your children’s apathy too

You were expecting them to be appreciative of you

For bringing them to this place, but right now an expression of interest would do..

*

Then you remember-when you were young you were not

Interested in traveling to see monuments, the thought

Brings a smile to your face, and you forget

Your children’s complaints and reset

Your focus on enjoying the sight you came to see

After all, each individual experiences a world-renowned place of travel differently

*

You keep traveling with your family and one day

Your children would also be blown away

By majestic sights, just like you

Traveling would become a lot more pleasant too!

There are times when words fail me

I am unable to articulate adequately

The profound emotions that I experience

I am unable to express with eloquence

The depth of my feelings, regrettably I find

A dissonance between language and the thoughts in my mind

*

As a voracious reader, a large part of my lived experience

Comes from the books I have read, their influence

Is instrumental in my understanding of the world

I have drawn visions in my mind based on evocative words

My thoughts and feelings, in my audacity

I wish to express with as much clarity

As the authors of books I read

I wish my language could be as elegant indeed..

*

In reality, a much larger part of my life is spent

In writing in patient charts, where I have to present

Data and its interpretation in language that is crisp and succinct

That is not expected to reflect emotions or instincts…

*

Whenever I find something beautifully expressed

I pay attention, I store the words in my brain’s recess

And use them as inspiration when the opportunity presents

To say or write something similarly eloquent

When someone makes a rather egregious mistake

You have an urge to share the incident as an anecdote, you take

The personal details out of the description but state

The incident as it took place in a social media post, then wait

For comments- that usually support you in making fun

Of the person who was wrong in that situation

*

You think you are just telling a tale with details anonymized

But there are many people in your orbit who would realize

The name of the person you are referring to

Including that unfortunate person too

*

Imagine discovering you are being ridiculed online, once again

For a mistake you have already been called out for, wouldn’t it cause pain?

Anonymity does not really exist on the internet

Enough evidence to identify a person one can get

*

Simply put, what I am trying to say here

Is that one should refrain from posting in the social media sphere

Anything that condemns or ridicules another person

Unknowingly you can tarnish someone’s reputation..

How could I’ve known things wouldn’t be the same

Once I had tasted the intoxication of fame..

*

I was catapulted onto a dizzying upward spiral

Once my video clip on social media went viral

I was just a small business owner trying to sell

My creations online, to this day I cannot tell

What made my video advertising my wares

Click with the masses- why it got views and shares

To the extent that it did, overnight my business

Went from barely making a profit to being a huge success

*

The next few months flew by as I was occupied

In keeping up with the demands that needed to be supplied

Every product that I launched would sell out immediately

I was running my business and being recognized simultaneously

My social media following by leaps and bounds grew

Creating relevant social media content became an obsession too

I became an “influencer” by serendipity

And got mired in a world new to me

*

The world of social media is fickle, everything changes fast

Viral trends of today are not meant to last

Everything is relevant only until the next shiny new thing

Grabs people’s attention and more viewers brings

That happened to me too, I lost my relevance

To keep my business running at the same level became a struggle intense

I crashed down after riding high the wave of success

It hurt, but taught me a lot in the process..

*

The instant fame that I had acquired was too good to last

The rise had been meteoric, the downslide was also fast..

So I’ve been trying (rather frivolously) to look

For advice on how to write a book

Nothing that I had come across capable appeared

Of capturing my limited attention, until this piece of advice weird

I came across in a newsletter, titled “Write a bad book”

My curiosity was piqued, I had to take a second look

To all aspiring writers plagued by self-doubt it said

If you think you cannot write a good book, write a bad one instead..

*

Not just in writing but in every other endeavor

This advice rings true, you do your talent no favor

If you keep waiting to bring into the world your most perfect creation

Your ability to do something gets lost in self-condemnation

You think you cannot write a good book, so you don’t actually write

Your ideas get lost as your inner critic you continue to fight

*

I read this advice at the right time today

I felt I would be unable to write a good poem, so I was pulling away

From my commitment to daily writing, but then

I realized a bad poem was better than one unwritten…

I’m trying to resolve this paradox within me

On one hand I take comfort in familiarity

Predictable routines and rituals keep my anxiety at bay

But when nothing changes from day to day

I quickly get bored, I need mental stimulation

A new experience to indulge my senses, or a brief vacation

To shake up my routine, to introduce an element

Of novelty or a streak of adventure is my intent

*

I think the reason for the paradox lies in the degree

To which each situation makes me feel in control completely

When my rituals are disrupted, things seem to get taken out of my hand

Therefore a regimented lifestyle I can better withstand

When I get bored by routines, I consciously choose

Novel experiences to satiate myself, I do not lose

Control of any part of my life, unlike the former situation

So I look for predictability at work and unpredictability on vacation

Many years ago, as a young physician

I read something that created an indelible impression

The author had put forth strong arguments

For all doctors to consider writing, this intensified my intent

To start writing one day, once enough experiences I had accumulated

I wanted my word to have value, in retrospect I should not have waited

*

I write these days, and though I do not

Write much about doctoring, the thought

Of being able to put words on paper seems to be

A way to crystallize everything I see

In my daily life as a physician

The entire spectrum of human condition

I am, as part of work, able to witness

Writing has helped me process

Some of the most complex conundrums I face

Now I understand why a doctor should carve out some space

To write- many doctors have contributed significantly

To the world through their writing, and while I do not see

Myself in that category, writing for myself hopefully let me become

The best version of myself as a person and a physician

I have been doing this my entire life but only learnt today

That linguistic code-switching is the name given to the way

In which most Indians like me tend to communicate

Using a mixture of Hindi and English to convey in a manner adequate

Our message- words and phrases of one language assimilate

With the grammar of the other language to create

A colorful linguistic mixture that fosters a rapport instant

It is like talking in code to a certain extent

For who else but an Indian fluent in both languages would use

“Hinglish” to communicate- the conversation would leave English speakers confused..

*

Let me clarify here- this is something that to us comes naturally

A powerful vestige of our colonial past English happens to be

English words are baked into our lexicon so thoroughly

That we even make plurals and verbs out of them in Hindi

We start sentences in one language and finish them in the other one

Often completely oblivious of our sentence construction..

*

If you notice Indians code-switching, just let us know

Chances are we have not realized we are doing so

We can switch to one language easily indeed

Sometimes a gentle reminder we need..

I was ambitious and I hoped my unbridled ambition

Would propel me towards a successful position

In life and in society, motivate me to achieve

Excellence in what I did, I sincerely did believe

That ambition would be the most powerful driving force

That would keep me focused and on the right course

I naively assumed my ambition would be

Indestructible and immutable in its intensity

*

I managed to cling on to preconceived notions

Of success, achievement and ambition

But the fire of ambition did not materialize

As a fuel for success, instead, much later did I realize

That fire burnt within me and became a force destructive

Consumed me, let me be spent but did not give

The roadmap to success I had sorely desired

It left me disillusioned, unmotivated and tired

*

Although ambition did not let me get anywhere

Its embers are not extinguished, I am aware

The fire still burns, it causes me intense pain

As I realize how badly I have failed, once again

*

From my ambition I am actively trying to break free

Trying not to aim for a target lofty

Maybe on the other side of ambition I would find

A different form of success that soothes my soul and my mind