Passion…unbridled

When I am bored out of my mind

When household chores onerous I find

I sing a song that fond memories evokes

Sometimes I add in a few dance strokes

I do not hum, I sing quite loudly, I confess

I invigorate myself thoroughly in the process..

I do not really possess a singing voice

I may screech trying to vocalize the song of my choice

There is nothing musical about my breaking into song

The lyrics are in my head, and I sing along

My family mostly puts up with me

But for anyone else, annoying it would be

To hear me sing with abandon such

This is not a habit I talk about much..

*

Listening to the same song is not as effective

In elevating my mood, the same pleasure it does not give

Therefore whenever I feel bored, I shall continue

To sing to myself, and encourage you to try it too

I scroll up and down, and scroll some more,

I keep doom-scrolling, I’ve lost score

Of the countless thoughts that have crossed my mind

Not a single one of them is uplifting, I find

I keep sinking deeper into a well of despair

But still scroll mindlessly, unaware

Of the passage of time, yet I cannot will

Myself to stop, I keep consuming content still

When I scroll through news, the sky seems to be falling down

There is nothing positive, just doom and gloom all around

If I check out professional websites it seems

Being fulfilled as a physician is a distant dream..

*

I keep scrolling, the world appears progressively more bleak

It almost appears as if negativity I actively seek

Then I remind myself that the devious algorithms are at play

They dole out content in such a way

That you sink into an echo chamber deep

If you started with negativity, that is the theme you keep

*

So I forcibly get off my device

Doom-scrolling was making me depressed, I realize

My consumption of internet content I have to reduce

Otherwise my well-being I stand to lose

It is depressing to feel the creep

Of old age, all of us want to keep

The vigor of our youth forever

To lose energy and enthusiasm never

There are so many ways to conceal

The signs of age, but time does still steal

Youth away, no matter how much you delude

Yourself into thinking you would not let age intrude

On your spirits and your most cherished beliefs

But they change, so you have to turn over a new leaf..

*

Grey hair, aching muscles, deteriorating memory

Whether you like it or not, shall be featured in your story

You have to accept them, you may not have a choice

But this is the time to find your authentic voice

All this while you’ve been going with the flow

Now it is time to go on a new path, as fast or as slow

As you want, this is your life that you customize

Aging seems to punish you in many ways, let this be your prize

There was a time when I would cry

When I felt overwhelmed, I would lie

In a dark room by myself, tears pouring from each eye

Until they became annoying, and it was time to dry

My eyes- I would get up, wash my face and feel

Lighter, less burdened, and possibly healed..

*

The older I grew the more I internalized

That expressing emotion made you weak, I realized

In order to appear strong and in control

My tears needed to be invisible to every soul

The last thing I mistakenly wanted to convey

Was that I was using tears as ammunition to get my way..

*

So I stopped crying altogether, not even in solitude

Would tears fall from my eyes, I was pleased at my fortitude

I actually felt better about my lack of crying

To appear calm and strong, I seemed to be trying..

*

I did not cry but emotions did not stop flowing

I ended up anxious and frustrated, not knowing

How to process the turmoil deep inside

It manifested in anger when it could no longer hide

Being angry was not good, but at least weak I did not appear

As weak as I would have been perceived had I shed some tears

*

As I kept more emotions bottled up within me

Unfortunately I became increasingly angry

It hurt my relationships, and destroyed me more

Until one day I just broke down, shaken to the core

And realized nothing would work except crying my eyes out

I poured out pent-up emotions, and without doubt

At the end of it my catharsis was complete

I found myself feeling more hopeful and upbeat..

*

The pressure to never cry robs you indeed

Of a vital coping mechanism that you need

Better to shed some tears and move ahead

Than to keep negative emotions bottled in your head

I have never understood why women are

Labeled as talkative, men in my experience by far

Outdo women in talking in every place

Mansplain everything, take up as much space

As they can in every discussion, especially when women are involved

Over thousands of years society has evolved

In such a way that women listen while men speak their minds

Women, if they do the same, often find

Themselves in trouble, they learn to choose

Their words and tone carefully before they let loose

The thoughts in their minds for people to hear

Being judged for their words they fear

Much more than men do, and yet wisecracks abound

On how women talk nonstop in their high-pitched sounds…

*

Yes women talk, to share their lives

Through their connection with others they thrive

Women talk to each other, knowing that men

Are probably too full of their egos to listen..

I read quite voraciously, and read

Books in every genre indeed

From self-help books to literary fiction

From non-fiction to memoirs- but I have a predilection

For anything published in large print these days

I admit, at the risk of being ridiculed by bibliophiles anyway

That sometimes my valuable time I spend

In reading romance novels, I shall not pretend

That romance novels are beneath my standard in books

I do not care that somewhat uncouth I look

Romance novels appear templated and predictable

Full of good looking men and women gullible

But the happily ever after vibe makes me see

The world in a more positive light temporarily

Even in a poorly written plot, love conquers all

Not for the characters, but for the emotions I fall…

*

There are many good books waiting to be read

But I have had a long day, I need to relax before going to bed

Let me pick a romance novel to help leave behind

All the worries of the real world plaguing my mind

Let me join the millions of women all over the world

Who read these novels in solitary pleasure, word by word

Tomorrow I shall pick up a meatier book and regain

My bibliophilic persona once again

There are times when life as a physician

Becomes overwhelming, being in a position

Where decisions that influence life and death are to be made

Takes its toll, through the murky waters you try to wade

Without sinking into the swamp of negativity

You detach yourself to preserve your spirit, your sanity

During such times, you try to delude yourself to believe

That it is just a job in which payment for services you receive

You try to separate your identity from what you do

Thinking this would make work bearable enough to continue…

*

If only you could detach yourself that easily!

Medicine is not just what you practice, but a part of your identity

You flirt with detachment and then come back to your profession

With a renewed vow of loyalty, practicing medicine is an extension

Of who you are, your existence is inexorably intertwined

With what you do, you have to find a solution within those confines…

*

The cloud of despair was temporary, and has been lifted

You return in full swing, grateful that you have been gifted

With the responsibility to make decisions that impact

Life and death, keeping this in mind you must act

So many bodily functions can be quantified

Normal values fall within a range, narrow or wide

The numeric value of a test result is compared

To the reference range to tell you how you have fared..

*

With access to all the results instantly

All patients are now able to see

Their test results compared to normal limits

They get anxious when their values do not fit

Within those golden parameters, they want an explanation

From their health care teams, especially their physicians..

*

It is hard to know where one lies on the spectrum of health and disease

Numbers with reference ranges can be understood with ease

But the human body is a dynamic machine

With processes working simultaneously but remaining unseen

An outlier can be close to the reference range or further away

Both have to be interpreted in very different ways

In either case, interpretation of any test is a skill acquired

After years of training, the health care professional is required

To interpret the overall result of every test

Not by itself, but in a specific disease context..

*

Next time you see a number quite outside

The reference range, don’t get preoccupied

With the number itself, call your physician(s) instead

Let them interpret it for you, don’t let needless anxiety occupy your head..

As if life were not complicated enough

The hormonal roller-coaster makes it more tough

To go through life unruffled and even-keeled

When curveballs from your own body you have to field..

*

While giving a presentation you sense

Creeping up your neck and face is a heat intense

You falter and stumble, because you are confused

You “look” embarrassed, your demeanor is misconstrued

*

You have been used to dealing with monthly woes

But the unpredictability you face now does not come close

To what you have experienced over the last many years

To go anywhere not fully prepared causes intense fear..

*

Mysterious aches, weight gain and disturbances of sleep-

The vicissitudes of hormonal changes run deep

Emotional lability much worse than pregnancy

Threatens to completely destroy your sanity

*

You are a homemaker, a mother and a professional too

Juggling these roles efficiently is a struggle for you

And now hormones are trying their best to derail

You from your path, you just hope you would not fail

“This too shall pass” you tell yourself once again

Hoping life would get better after going through this pain…

I think the best of me is expressed

At work in situations full of stress..

I should try to apply to other life situations

The methods I use successfully in my profession

*

Before you think I am tooting my horn, allow me to explain

As far as my profession is concerned I am trained

To take care of patients who are critically ill

As time goes by I continue to hone my skills-

When you take care of sick patients with complexities

You get mired in the minutiae of their co-morbidities

Often it is helpful to step back and obtain

The thirty-thousand foot view to ascertain

The next best step- that step decisive

Could determine whether the patient lives..

*

Life often poses challenges that are hard to navigate

Circumstances and my reactions further complicate

The situation, instead of getting caught in matters inconsequential

I should take a step back to get the big picture, the elements essential

Just like I do when I have a critical patient before me

Stepping back would allow the same kind of objectivity

*

I am learning life lessons from my professional domain

To pause for a moment, step back and evaluate again

There is a word I both love and hate-

That particular word is “approximate”

To every situation it adds an element of uncertainty

It allows you some leeway, keeps you commitment-free..

*

As an example it is good to see this word in a recipe

It allows me room for some creativity

In addition or subtraction of ingredients, for adjustment of taste

Helps me give an individual flair to the dish and minimizes waste

On the other hand, if exact measurements are required

It feels like a lab experiment, not a feeling I desire

*

When time for a meeting is given as approximate

It allows room for someone to be late

Since punctuality is not always my strong suit

For myself I prefer time to have a value absolute

The window of time on either side of approximate

Is difficult to determine, and I end up being late..

*

While on this subject, there is one thing I would say

I am grateful I was taught mathematics in such a way

That I have the ability to quickly calculate

Numbers in my head to get to a value approximate

In the human body most values have a range of acceptability

To determine that range, approximation is the fastest way for me

*

Finally, my age I now prefer to state

Not in absolute years but as a value approximate..

Why am I so gullible to the myth of being thin

That when I get on the scale it seems like a a win

In the midst of feeling that I’m losing out

On many other counts, I feel good about

My near static and (relatively) desirable weight

I know that being thin does not equate

Health, will power or strength of character

Weight just serves as a distractor

From the other insecurities that I face

I try to feel good about being in a good place

With my weight, at least the impression people have of me

Is not that I am gluttonous, undisciplined or lazy

Hopefully I come across as being energetic and agile

The thought gives me comfort for a while..

*

The irony is that even at a normal weight

I have made it a point on which to fixate..

In true confession I am terrified of weight gain

A few pounds would not affect my health but the psychological pain

Of having failed at the one thing in which I had success

Would be much more than I can process..

*

As I reflect on my dysfunctional relationship with weight

Despite knowing better, I try to evaluate

How social conditioning is so hardwired in my brain

That I fall for the myth of thin being desirable again and again

If I feel this way, I can only imagine how those not as thin

Must feel- most probably don’t feel comfortable in their skin..

*

I do not know who needs to hear this today

But being thin does not reflect on who you are in any way…