Passion…unbridled

In the ideal world I would pay

Much more attention from day to day

To every facet of my work, corners never cut

Do the same for my family and home- but

In the ideal world of my dreams I do not live

My real world is messy and chaotic, and I have to give

Part of myself to every role that I am in

My attention gets divided, my patience wears thin

Hormonal roller-coaster complicates matters too

When emotions get high, it creates the perfect milieu

For missing something crucial, in a moment of inattention

For glossing over to get to the next task, despite good intentions

When I discover my error, usually too late

I feel guilty and obsessively ruminate

About how I would pay attention to detail

I devise new strategies that would not let me fail

*

I may not repeat the exact same mistake

But there are always too many factors at stake

And I continue to be an individual error-prone

Ignoring noise to focus on what’s important is a skill I must hone

At what point do you say enough is enough

When you deal with human lives it is tough

To let go, there is always one more modality of treatment

That can be administered, with the intent

Of prolonging life even at the cost of discomfort

How do you determine it is not worth the effort

Most patients rely on you to tell them what to do

And as long as there are treatment modalities old and new

To treat their illness, to offer them compelled you feel

The time they have left you do not want to steal

Even though you know the treatment may not provide

Meaningful quality of life, you don’t want your thoughts applied

To your patient’s situation, therefore unless they tell you

To stop further treatment, you decide to continue..

*

Sometimes both quantity and quality of life are gained

Sometimes neither, you are reminded once again

That you can just act in good faith and the rest

Is not in your hands despite your trying your best

You’ve worked a long day in a supercharged state of mind

You’ve looked forward to being home, to sit down and unwind

You turn on the news or surf the internet

Trying to find something that can hold your interest

But your mind keeps drifting subconsciously

Towards the work from which you were supposed to be free

You have constant access to work related stuff

So disconnecting yourself completely seems tough..

You have not actually brought work home, and yet

You’ve brought work-related stress by bringing work snippets

No wonder you do not feel rested the next day

You had work following you on your way..

*

You must try to actively shift your mindset

From work to relaxation and reset

Your brain to enjoy an activity that does not show

Any resemblance to your work as far as you know

*

The mantra is to disengage from work every day

Leave all thoughts of it for the next day

You make a decision and then repent

All your energy has been spent

From indecisiveness to a decision

You have tried to re-envision

Your goals for the future and now

You’ve stepped into the unknown anyhow

You wonder if the right step you have taken

You obsess over whether you were mistaken

About the opportunity you had thought

You should pursue, you had sought

Something to get you out of a situation unbearable

But you wonder if you have made life unstable..

*

To make a major change in life takes courage profound

Once you take a decision, you should stand your ground

Otherwise the “what if” scenarios playing in your mind

Can cause your decision-making process to unravel and unwind

And leave you stuck in the past that ironically

Was the one you were trying to flee

At the end of the tunnel there seems no light

When the beast of sleep deprivation I have to fight..

*

Being called at night is an evil necessary

In my profession, we wear sleep deprivation as a proud accessory

We learn to work through hours of sleep lost

But repeated lack of sleep does come at a cost..

*

Young and starry-eyed, fueled by adrenaline

Augmented and supplemented by caffeine

Working nights and days with enthusiasm immense

I almost miss those nights of training intense

*

Now I am older, exhausted and jaded

Cynicism has set in, idealism has faded

My sleep is interrupted often but rarely does it any difference make

To my patients’ well being when I am forced awake

*

I can still work long hours through the day

But working day and night takes away

Pleasure in doing everything I do

A physician but a human being, I need sleep too

*

Over-caffeinated, over medicated, in overdrive

This verse has been penned by me in a state sleep-deprived…

I am brushing up on my knowledge of the heart

And as I delve deeper into some concepts, I start

Going back in time to my medical student days

When I was trying to grasp the heart’s mysterious ways

Vaguely hoping that life would somehow include

Matters of the heart…now, with immense gratitude

I can say that much of my life revolves

Around the heart, as a physician I continue to evolve

Working to treat sick hearts with tools ingeniously designed..

I am fortunate that the heart lodged itself in my mind..

*

I read about murmurs of the heart and recall

Being intrigued by those heart sounds had started it all

I reflect upon my journey, and it has been

An exciting one, a few hurdles I have seen

A large part of my heart the heart does occupy

We are close companions, the heart and I

You are conditioned to not be loud

You don’t make your loved ones proud

When you raise your voice, in anger or frustration

Almost always it is met with unanimous condemnation

One of the most important tenets of living in society polite

Is to use your inside voice, express displeasure in a manner quiet

*

Yet there is a primeval urge hidden under wraps

To be loud, to let everything out, perhaps

That is the reason “The Scream” is a masterpiece of art

Letting out a feral scream can lighten a heavy heart

It is a way to release bottled up emotions

It can be a powerful anxiolytic potion..

*

Of course you cannot scream just anywhere

Before you scream for release, you must be aware

Of your surroundings, but even screaming into a pillow

Has been recommended as a strategy to let go

Of pent-up anger and frustration to find

Catharsis, in both the body and mind

We obsess over the right way to parent

Our children, our overarching intent

Is to ensure that unknowingly we do not expose

Our children to harm, we try to keep a watch close

So that every stimulus to which they get exposure

Is a positive one, we try to create a safe enclosure

Where everything they see, hear or do is conducive

To their development, the least stress to them we try to give

We mull over the right toys to play with, the right books to read

The right music to stimulate them, the right organic food to feed…

*

When we parent in a manner over-anxious

When over our children we constantly fuss

That anxiety we inadvertently transmit

To them, on them our insecurities we inflict

We end up raising children who are unfortunately

Not the resilient individuals we want them to be

*

We stress over the best for our children but forget

That the best from us that they can get

Is our unconditional love, encouragement and attention-

All the intangible things we give with the purest of intentions

Allow our children to grow into adults with maturity and resilience

Ready to take on challenges in a world fast paced and intense

If you know me, you would also know

That for actual therapy I would never go

But my unresolved issues processing need

In some form I need (cheap) therapy indeed

*

An avid reader I happen to be

Living my life through books vicariously

I get infatuated with or feel protective towards

Characters in books, I want to inhabit their worlds

Some characters have come close, I confess

To becoming my alter-egos, in my immersive reading process

*

Therefore the concept of bibliotherapy

Was one that sounded quite appealing to me

If anyone including a therapist would recommend

Any book to me, my default intent

Would be to try to read it- therefore when I was “prescribed”

Books that would help me uncover and describe

My latent emotional state, I read through

All of them- reading is at the heart of what I do

To bring peace into my chaotic life anyway-

But reading a curated list was transformative, I must say

The books were carefully chosen for my unique situation

Some led to catharsis, others to self-examination

Some resonated loudly with my existing values

Others made me discard old beliefs and new ideas choose

*

The idea of facing someone to provide therapy

Is somehow quite intimidating for me

Therapy packaged as a book, on the other hand

Is exactly what I need, the world around me I understand

Best by reading books of all genres voraciously

Therefore therapy I should seek in the form of bibliotherapy

Young achievers always get much applause

Precocity is always seen positively because

Those who achieve great things early seem destined

To have a great life ahead, their stars must be well aligned..

Children are encouraged to learn from and emulate

The youngsters whose achievements the society celebrates…

*

It is good to shine early in life, obviously

But as we see steady increases in life expectancy

There are people trying new skills at their lives’ later stages

Excelling at activities considered suitable for younger ages

Recently discovered confidence they often exude

“Age is just a number” is both their mantra and attitude

*

The older achievers likely have had more barriers to break

To get to their goals, may have had their reputations at stake

They are more likely to have had to face

Frank opposition, sarcasm, or ridicule in their place

Their achievements can be sources of inspiration

For those who feel they have lost motivation..

*

As I pen these lines, my middle aged self would

Like to achieve something that my younger self wanted but never could…

Between what I really want and what I end up doing, there is disparity

It is time to try to dispel the fog of confusion and find some clarity

*

Sometimes I feel I am just being tossed around

By my circumstances, unable to make decisions sound

I base my actions on whatever I have been told

I lack the audacity to go with my intuition in a manner bold

The end result is that I feel discontented

I do not achieve the outcomes intended

*

I need to take a step back and define

What is it that one burning desire of mine

That I want to fulfill, the one that would make life meaningful for me

Naming that overarching desire would give some clarity

As the next step I would forge paths that lead me

Towards fulfillment of my desire, my purpose, perhaps my destiny

I can tell that increasing burnout I feel

But I have to tackle this alone, I cannot reveal

To anyone around me the degree to which I am affected

To some extent I wonder if this burnout is self-inflicted

By my being a perfectionist, by not walking away

From unpleasant situations or interactions on a given day

By not carving enough time to pursue other interests

By not giving my body and mind adequate rest..

*

The burnout that I feel is fueled by

Loss of autonomy, the inability to question why

I have to check more corporate boxes than actual patients treat

Patient care is not a task I can automatically do on repeat

The fifteen minutes allotted for a patient encounter are not enough

To spend another fifteen minutes of personal time per patient is tough

So how do I get adequate rest, pursue other interests

When my free time in documentation I have to invest?

The mandatory training modules encroach on my day

From productive work, they take my time away

*

But if I share this with anyone, most likely I would receive

A laundry list of things to do that are believed

To help with burnout- however such advice

Would likely make me feel that burnout is a vice

I am also afraid of being perceived as weak

Therefore advice from friends I try not to seek

*

As I said, burnout is an issue that I have to face

All by myself, there is no safe space

To talk about it, it is a silent burden to bear

While I learn techniques for self-preservation and self-care