Passion…unbridled

I must learn not to sell myself short

Who would believe in me if I do not

Believe in myself or my abilities

How can I expect to please

Others with my work if I don’t take pride

In what I do, if I harbor doubts deep inside

How would others have confidence in me

If I do not project myself confidently?

*

Validation necessarily must begin

Not from outside but within

Why did it take me so long to realize

That waiting for someone else to recognize

Was futile when I could not appreciate

My own talents, my strengths innate?

*

Let me acknowledge and celebrate all that

I have worked on and I am good at

Let me give myself positive reinforcement

To be my own cheerleader is my intent

I used to ride on ambition high

My dreams were skyscrapers touching the sky

Anything less than that I did not care to achieve

It was all-or-nothing, or so I did believe

Much later, with greying hair, I realized

How this approach had been unwise

There were few spheres in which I could excel, therefore

I ended up denying myself opportunities to learn more

*

Now that my eyes have been opened, I try

To expand my skills- and I won’t lie

In many spheres I am a learner slow

So I start small, and aspire to grow

At a snail’s (my own) pace, in increments small

I stumble, but not being very high, I do not fall

I do not place pressure on myself to excel

But I am consistent, and committed as well

The results are not immediate but eventually

The sum total of small efforts is there to see

Among all the axioms I have imbibed

There is one which says in order to thrive

In your work, you must be passionate

About what you do, you would be favored by fate

If you pour your heart and soul into your work every day

Fulfillment and success would come your way..

*

This sentiment was repeated often, I took it seriously

And tried to pour into work every ounce of my energy

I worked with boundless passion, but I confess

It was not a promised path to success

I had invested myself to such an extent

In my work that all my emotional capital was spent

There- my emotions were on a roller coaster ride

Every negative interaction left me depleted inside

*

I could not fathom why I felt so despondent

When I was working with passion and the right intent

Until I came across a concept different and new to me

That suggested detachment from work as a better strategy

I was intrigued- how could you give your best

If you were detached, but I decided to put the theory to test

Gradually and intentionally I was able to reduce

My emotional investment in work, and I did deduce

That detachment without disengagement happened to be

The best way to work, to increase contentment and productivity

Without my emotions wearing me down I could view

My work much more objectively, accept criticism better too

*

I have learnt that excessive passion can be

Detrimental by reducing objectivity

Maintaining from work an emotional distance

Allows you to look at work through an unbiased lens

Each time you still give it your best shot

But if you don’t succeed, an emotional wreck you are

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone, it’s often said

The notion that this statement plants in your head

Is that to be successful, you should push to be

Uncomfortable because only then you would see

Favorable results, growth and progress

Going outside comfort zone is the way to success…

*

Being uncomfortable is, well, not pleasant

And while it is tolerable to a brief extent

Constantly being out of your comfort zone

Invites stress, increases your sympathetic tone

Yes you achieve because risks you take

The rewards are high and high are the stakes

*

Now let me propose a different paradigm to you

What if you could thrive within your comfort zone too?

You would be comfortable, relaxed and without

That sympathetic surge of adrenaline throughout

In order to grow, instead of stepping outside

You would expand your comfort zone from inside

*

You find your happy place where you know

You can be productive, be in the state of flow

In predictable comfort high-quality work you start

Being relaxed, you can pour all your heart

Into your project, you explore tools new

To expand beyond what you could initially do

You add a new skill, and increase the size

Of your comfort zone, staying galvanized

In your work, without taking on extra stress

Eventually you know you have made progress

While staying within your zone of comfort

After all, being comfortable cannot hurt!

This poem is inspired by an interview of Indra Nooyi (former CEO PepsiCo) who candidly reflects upon balancing personal and professional life.

If I told you I could do it all it would be an outrageous lie

To excel at my career and motherhood simultaneously, I would not dare try

Each day is a balancing act, trying to weigh

What is the most important goal for the day

Should I miss work or the school’s midday event

Knowing my child would be the one without a parent

Should I stay late to finish work or head for that game

Whatever I miss, I would only have myself to blame

On a business trip out of town when I go

Simultaneously a guilt trip I take, you know

I have a village on which I rely to keep things smooth

But I feel conflicted often, that is the truth

*

I have developed coping mechanisms that allow

Me to deal with the guilt somehow

I can neither give up work nor be absent

Each time my child requires a parent to be present

Sometimes I favor work, sometimes family

And remind myself to judge myself kindly

When I feel I’ve taken the wrong decision

I’m still doing the best I can in my position

She had cooked a delectable dinner, she was famished

And looked forward to helping herself to some of it

Once the family was done with dinner-but of course

There was nothing left for her, she had to force

Herself to eat stale bread and butter once again

Her family appreciated her cooking, and that diminished the pain

Besides, this scenario was nothing new

Keeping her family well-fed was what she was expected to do

*

She had been rising early to get physical exercise

But with each passing day she was coming to realize

That there were too many chores that needed completion

For her family and herself to leave home in a timely fashion..

*

She was feeling unwell and wanted to make

An appointment with a doctor, but could not take

Time out of her busy day because the need

Of her family was greater indeed

The symptoms improved some, and she never did seek

Medical attention, just continued working while feeling weak

****

These scenarios are not unique, unfortunately

Women are used to making their families a priority

Ignoring themselves, this has been glorified ad infinitum

This image of women has the norm become..

*****

Can we demolish the paradigm that has epitomized

Women being self-sacrificing, women being expected to prioritize

Their families at the cost of their own physical and mental needs

This attitude harms both women and their families indeed

Because a woman who is unable to practice self-care

Feels exhausted and burnt out without being aware

And the family unit for which she is expected to sacrifice

Suffers too, this should not come as a surprise..

A woman who is able to care for herself adequately

Is able to better care for her family

She is not being selfish, but she is not sacrificial

She is just taking what should be a step logical

How can she fill the cup for her family

When her cup has been drained empty?

Work often seems like a noose

If given a chance I would choose

To take more time off, other interests explore

Or so I tell myself- I would be more

Well-rounded, less stressed and happier of course

If only I did not have to force

Myself to get out of bed and go to work everyday

I would be a more centered person in every way

*

Yet nothing matches the hedonic high that I get

From a productive work day where I exceed the targets set

All my laments about work being unrewarding appear

Embarrassing now, it is quite clear

That I am still driven to give my best

To work- in the shadows are my other interests

A support group provides an opportunity for people to share personal experiences and feelings, coping strategies, or firsthand information about a disease and its treatments. For many people, a health-related support group fills the crucial gap between medical treatment and the need for emotional support.

When I first got diagnosed, I was just afraid

As I navigated through my treatment, with nerves frayed

Fear gave way to something else, discussed much less

And that was a gnawing feeling of loneliness..

Illnesses that do not kill, close around you

Making all the priorities in your life subservient to

Your illness- there is no time to maintain

Social relationships when you are wrecked by pain

As the days went by, I felt an increasing sense

Of isolation, to feel connected was a need intense

*

I cannot thank my healthcare team enough

That recommended a support group for times tough

What a cathartic experience it was for me

To open my soul in a space judgment free

Over time I learnt numerous tips and tricks

To tackle my symptoms when I felt sick

Things that no doctor or nurse would tell you

Were discussed candidly in this forum too

The support group filled a huge void for me

I found both company and community..

*

Treatment has been quite a roller-coaster ride

But my support group is unwaveringly by my side

In supporting each other, meaning we find

Beyond the illness that occupies our minds..

(And a view from my window)

Can I just sit and stare into nothingness

Not think of everything I need to do, not obsess

Over time that seems to run out of my hands

Leaving me bewildered, trying to understand

How the hours that plentiful appeared

Have dwindled down, how time has disappeared

Without my being able to savor a moment

Can I just sit languidly, perfectly content

To look at the wall, out of my window,

Let my mind wander, let thoughts flow..

I would not try to empty thoughts from my mind

Meditation is not my goal, tranquility is what I’m trying to find..

*

I found few moments of external stimulation none

Now a busy day on the right note has begun

I must admit that I am partial to books written by physicians (reading an exceptional one at the moment). I also remember coming across advice from a surgeon-writer Atul Gawande suggesting that all doctors should try to write.

Many of us hear stories for a living

While providing a service, we listen to misgivings

Misfortunes, predicaments of many kinds

Sometimes stories of redemption we find..

Listening to stories is an integral part

Of being a physician, stories sometimes fill my heart

Creating a maelstrom of emotions profound

Emotions that need to be processed in a manner sound

Patients trust me to bookend their stories perfectly

And I have to grapple with the tension of that responsibility..

*

What better way to process feelings could there be

Than to put them in words, for someone like me?

*

Maybe that is why many physicians feel compelled

To write, they accumulate an assortment of stories to tell

While writing scientific articles satisfies an intellectual urge

In writing for the lay person, the heart and the mind converge

The rainbow of human experience that physicians get to see

Provides for a writer a rich tapestry..

*

As I read another book by a physician penned

I feel inspired, one day I intend

To write a book derived from my experiences cumulative

As a physician, I hope that’s how my legacy would live

One of the worst things about using electronic medical record for patients is the pop-up notifications that you get constantly get. Based on a patient’s BMI, one may get an alert that the pt is obese/ morbidly obese, because all health care providers must document this diagnosis in their notes. I feel it is completely unnecessary, and discriminatory towards people who happen to be obese. I am trying to be more mindful of how I talk about weight loss and obesity, but I am forced by the medical record and the powers above looking at metrics to include obesity in my list of diagnoses at all times and counsel patients, knowing fully well that asking them to exercise for 30 minutes and eat more vegetables is not a solution.

I know as soon as you open my chart you see

The inescapable alert that is the nemesis of me

The dreaded body mass index (BMI) that tells you

That I am obese, sometimes morbidly obese too

Of course you have noticed my expansive size

But the computer program has also made you realize

That I have a major co-morbidity that must make

It to the list of diagnoses, I know it would take

You a minute to note that I have been counseled indeed

On weight loss strategies, that is my foremost need

It does not matter that I am in your office to be seen

For a sinus infection, my true afflictions have often been

Ignored completely or somehow tied to my weight

And I must be the only one responsible for my state

*

I am used to being judged in a negative light

But even in a healthcare setting I feel I must fight

To be seen beyond the optics of my size

It is hurtful- but few people realize

How medicine is geared to discriminate

Against obese people on the basis of weight

The BMI seems to turn blinders on for everyone

And someone like me feels defeated before I’ve begun

There are diseases associated with obesity, I’m aware

But of illnesses unrelated to weight, there is a fair share

*

Invariably I am going to hear someone say

That I just need to lose weight anyway

For my medical issues to be resolved..

If only it were that simple, my problem would be solved!

I know there is baggage that lies

Underneath the surface, I have seen it in eyes

That glance away furtively when difficult questions are posed

I have seen smiles disappear, open demeanors close

There are secrets that hidden remain

In dark corners, like faded stains

Secrets from the past that if revealed

Can break relationships that have healed..

**

There are stories spun over generations

That give secrets a palatable presentation

With cleverly woven fiction and fact

Trying to keep the kernel of truth intact

Stories evolve as they are retold

As myths and legends, in layers they unfold..

**

All families have secrets, some kept hidden completely

Others baked into fiction, or an alternate reality

I wonder if I dug deeper in my family to find

Secrets swept under the rug- would it mess with my mind

Or would it give me a new direction, a novel path

Towards building a future based on my past?