Passion…unbridled

“Can I get something to sleep” is a question I’ve come to dread

I don’t have a pill, but a long winded answer instead

Poor sleep has a list of reasons that I explain

While I can treat physiological reasons such as pain

That interfere with sleep, more often than not

I am unable to offer my patients a lot

Most of them have tried multiple interventions anyway

That do not address the various factors at play..

*

Who can empathize with my patients better than me

Poor sleep is my numero uno enemy

If only I could get uninterrupted sleep every night

Getting through each day would be less of a fight

I know that pills would not solve my sleep issue

But I don’t really know what to do…

*

So this is a topic on which I can commiserate

With my patients, even when their insomnia I cannot ameliorate

As on the tenets of good sleep hygiene I expound

I remind myself to follow them too for sleep sound

I seem to carry unquenched thirst inside

An existential angst that is difficult to hide

A fire that constantly burns within me

A nebulous longing that threatens me with misery…

*

What am I missing, where can I find

Something to quieten my hyperactive mind

What goal, after all, do I need to achieve

So that some solace my mind can receive..

*

From looking outwards, I have changed to some extent

To search inside me is my focused intent

Despite being on this journey for some time now

Self-actualization has continued to evade me somehow

*

Perhaps the universe has for me a design

I should just patiently wait for a sign

I hope to discover my true calling one day

Until then I shall just amble along my way

In the moments when you are most vexed

When trying to live life leaves you perplexed

You go down a rabbit hole that is deep

From which it seems impossible to climb up walls steep..

In a well of despair and despondency trapped you stay

Unable to rescue yourself until help comes your way…

*

You think you should be strong enough

To weather storms, to fight battles tough

Depression is something from which you should snap out

By sheer will-power, without letting anyone know about

The struggles you are facing, you should have the toolkit

To carve a path out of despair, to find the exit

But sometimes you cannot be objective

About your struggles, you need an external perspective

To help you find a way out of the doldrums you are in

To lend you support when you are on footing thin..

*

Therefore you must try to reach out and you must

Explain your emotions to someone you trust

An external perspective can give you the clarity you need

Such that you pull yourself out of the trench indeed

Invariably my weekends are filled to the brim

With social commitments and chores- the chances are slim

That I get a lazy afternoon with no agenda defined

An afternoon without any pressure on my mind

Some precious hours for me to browse through books

At the library, or an elaborate meal cook

From scratch, using herbs fresh and fragrant

Mindfully peeling, chopping, sautéing every ingredient

Or sitting at my desk with art supplies before me

Creating art using brushstrokes unhurriedly..

An afternoon at a leisurely pace spent

Doing something worthwhile without a predetermined intent..

*

I had unstructured time available to me, therefore

On a lazy afternoon I accomplished more

Than I would on an afternoon that was “busy”

Extra time for me is the ultimate luxury

Mindlessly, indiscriminately, I consume

Information that I come across, I assume

That later I would be able to sort and separate

Relevant from irrelevant information, and collate

Bits of information that are useful to store in my memory

While discarding all information irrelevant to me..

*

But everything that I scroll through has an impact

Even if I do not remember the content exact

It takes up precious mental real estate

Leaving less brain power to concentrate

On what is relevant to me, what I really need to retain

Therefore I make a resolution (once again)

To mindfully consume specific content online

That with my goals and purpose aligns

Why am I told repeatedly

To just bow down to authority

To accept and step out of the way

Of those in power, to never have a say

I am told by everyone I cannot fight

The ones in power, I must assume they are right

Any retaliation is absolutely futile

Trying to oppose them is not worthwhile

Neither those in power nor the decisions they take

Would change, my spirit is the only thing that would break

*

When someone above me does something not quite right and I remain silent

I become guilty by association, my true opinion is not evident

To anyone else- being lower in the order of hierarchy

I may get blamed for something that was not even supported by me..

*

To oppose someone in power is never easy

It can backfire, come back to bite me

Therefore my sense of righteousness I forego

Forget about everything and try to lie low

I distance myself from the situation, I do not fight

I wait for Karma to set the world order right

What keeps me up at night

Are my impossible dreams- that I fight

Constantly, I tell them to fade away

But they resurface every day

To taunt me, ask me why I have not made

Any attempt to turn them into reality, why I have not paid

Enough attention to what they keep trying to tell me

How do I explain to them that I do not see

Myself as a person whose dreams come true

The present I have enough difficulty navigating through

Therefore I think it is worthless to prioritize

My dreams, because they would only materialize

In a nebulous future, if they come to fruition at all

So, in the attractive trap of dreams I don’t fall

*

My dreams still cling to me tenaciously

From their grasp I cannot seen to break free

Someday I shall listen to them attentively

And explore the direction in which they take me..

I know this is not the first time I’m talking about this, but ever since Covid hit, I find myself anxious whenever I read about Covid surges, wars, climate disasters or basically anything that can upend the order in my life. As a child, being up to date on current affairs was considered a mark of intelligence (also meant you were being productive reading newspapers and watching news in your spare time), so I have always strived to keep myself well-informed…Except that these days there is information overload, and inadvertently half of the information comes from highly sensationalized, and polarized sources, which tends to evoke stronger emotions. Now limiting news consumption is suggested as a strategy for stress management indeed..

I have a troubling confession to make

There is this sense of unease hard to shake

When news I consume from sources varied

My anxiety goes up a few notches indeed..

*

Under a rock it is impossible to stay

When you have been hardwired to pay

Close attention to current events

Even when you try to limit the extent

Of exposure to media, you still hear

The most negative news loud and clear..

There’s a lot going on in the world that isn’t right

The worst of it unfortunately steals the limelight

Of course there are positive developments in the world too

But they don’t invoke the same emotion as negative ones do

*

Coming back to my lament, each time I hear

About COVID, climate change, wars, healthcare etc. my fear

Of loss of control tends to have a resurgence

And despite having feelings of anxiety intense

I have an inexplicable urge to consume

More negative news, my mind seems to assume

That imbibing more knowledge would be

Somehow a good thing for me..

My mind has been conditioned from childhood

That learning more about a problem is good

Because that is the first step to finding a solution

It does not understand what this profusion

Of negativity does to my emotional state

The less I know, the more I can separate

Myself from its negative effects, the converse is also true

Therefore limiting consumption of news is what I should do….

*

If I am not well-verses in current affairs, let me be

Sometimes ignorance is a good place to be

In my prayers I have asked for a lot over the years

Many things that I asked for now frivolous appear

Going forward, the one thing for which I shall pray

Is clarity of thought to come my way

Confusion, indecisiveness, lack of confidence

Have dominated me so far with their presence

Swinging me in different directions constantly

But I just want to move forward with clarity..

*

To have a clear vision, to be able to ignore

The voices all around that confuse me more

To weed through the superfluous stuff to see

The bottomline, and to use it to advance purposefully…

To not be distracted by the many things that compete

For my attention, to be able to confidently delete

From my mind information that is meaningless

Such that the important facts I am able to process..

*

To every distraction in life attention I used to pay

That would unnecessarily burden my mind; now I pray

To gain focus, such that my mind can see

The bull’s eye, and nothing else in its vicinity.

One day you shall find yourself on the other side of grief

And then you shall take a deep breath of relief

The darkness of grief shall be dispelled to illuminate

A new path that healing from grief would create..

*

Right now your grief is an open sore

But it shall close, not hurt intensely any more

Leave behind a scar that might throb intermittently

As a poignant reminder of your painful journey

*

When the embers of your burning grief extinguish

The vice-grip over you, your grief shall relinquish

On the ashes of your grief you shall build

A stronger future for yourself, one that is filled

With hope for better things to come your way

From the dark night of grief, you shall wake up to a bright day

Stealthily, almost imperceptibly, quite unfortunately

Age has now begun to afflict my memory

I am still highly functional but often find

Things I was sure I’d remember slipping out of my mind

If a good night’s sleep I haven’t had

My recall appears to be especially bad

When I have to study for a test I can see

The unmistakable effects of declining memory…

*

A part of me rises in revolt at the thought

Of growing older, though increasingly I’m brought

To this realization- especially when the new mantra seems to be

(Especially for women) that forty is the new twenty

*

In trying to ignore the effects of old age, I resist

Writing things down, making lists etc.- I insist

On relying on my memory unreliable

The effects are often quite undesirable..

*

To think about failing memory depresses me

Therefore the brighter side of aging I need to see

As I have grown the accumulated experience

Aids me in my work in ways immense

The framework upon which I operate

Is stronger than it was, as a conservative estimate

I am one and a half times as productive

As I was ten years ago, with much more to give

To my family, my profession, and the community

So it matters less if I don’t have a sharp memory…

*

Let me make some lists before I forget

And my overconfidence I come to regret

She was going through a patch that was rough

When being alone with her feelings was tough

She stumbled upon writing, by serendipity

Because that was the only outlet she could see

To help her process the maelstrom of emotions

Who knew it would set forth into motion

Something much greater than she had not

Imagined in her most outrageous thoughts..

*

Writing from a third person perspective

She began to add fiction to her narrative

Eventually her writing could barely be traced

To her life, it was then that she embraced

Social media sites to showcase her art

To the world, it was a rather slow start

Until an emotionally charged piece viral became

And let to a stratospheric ascent of her fame

From a diarist to a published author, her journey

In its fairytale quality became aspirational for many

A whirlwind of book tours, interviews, lectures followed

She was well-loved, her passion for her work clearly showed

*

From a quiet introvert to a public face

Her writing had to alter to keep pace

Her unfiltered emotions could no longer be

Committed to paper unfortunately

On controversial topics she could not appear

To take an extreme stance for the fear

Of fomenting discord, therefore gradually

Her tone got watered down considerably

*

As her writing started towing the middle line

It lost its luster, the intensity that had defined

Her voice diminished, her book sales dwindled as well

Writing was no longer satisfying, she herself could tell

Eventually a review on the internet tore her down

More criticism followed, in a sea of cancellation her voice drowned

She retreated to her journal, her safe haven indeed

To broadcast her writing to the world, she did not need

*

An authentic voice is hard to find

But the prevalent cancel culture is not kind

To authenticity because someone can take offense

With what is said, lead to backlash intense

Cancel cultures drowns authentic voices out

Fresh talent the world is left without..