Passion…unbridled

Where are you seeking joy today?

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I hope you find joy in your morning run

In the vivid hues of the rising sun

In the aroma of fresh coffee

In humming a memorable melody

In breathing the cool morning air

In experiencing the moment, in being aware..

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I hope you find joy throughout

The day, as you go about

Your seemingly mundane work day

By connecting with people in a meaningful way

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I hope your evening commute you enjoy

As some relaxation techniques you employ

So that you reach home leaving stress behind

I hope time spent with your family fills your mind

With joy that is deeply satisfying, that nourishes you

Joy that spreads to the rest of your family too..

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I want you to find joy, except in one place-

I don’t want you to seek validation as you face

A screen with some social media site on display

That hedonistic pleasure does not equate joy in any way

Growing up, I learnt it was essential to excel

In science and mathematics, to understand well

How the universe worked, how scientific principles

Could be used to decode complex phenomena in ways simple

So I studied hard, committing to memory

Scientific facts and equations that important seemed to be

There seemed to be no room for creative thought

Science was tangible and exact, vague it was not

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A different direction my rebel mind wanted to take

I wanted to indulge in art, I wanted to break

The paradigm of science being at the helm of scholarly activity

With a creative and artistic eye the universe I wanted to see

But science was my future, art a pastime alone

Therefore all my artistic ideas got thrown

Out of the window as I continued to make progress

In learning science, it did become my key to professional success

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Now that I am older and have a career based on science

I have begun to indulge my old ideas of defiance

I seek to consume and create art (albeit I have limited ability)

It helps me make sense of humankind, its emotional vulnerability

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I think scientists use creativity too

To explain natural phenomena, invent things new

With a clever amalgamation of science and art

Clearly the two are not that far apart..

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Through the principles of science, the world you come to understand

But to experience the world through your senses, you need a hand

Extended to you by art of some kind

Art creates a bridge between the heart and the mind

Someone’s words made me angry, inside I seethed

Until I realized I was the only one suffering indeed

If the idea behind those words was to elicit a reaction

It had met its mark, and that person had won

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Next time it happened I decided to maintain

A calm demeanor, I did not try to explain

Or defend my position, I just did not react

I remained quiet and expressionless in fact

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It took all my will power to not react

But at least my sanity stayed intact

I was able to avoid stress hormone release

This time my mind stayed more at peace

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Unkind words, I realize, can only hurt

If I give them the power to do so, I can avert

Getting angry by withholding my reaction

Staying stoic can be the best mode of action..

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By getting upset, I had enabled someone

To exercise power over me, when they should’ve had none

Without my reaction, those words were wasted on me

In the days to come, I would hear similar words much less frequently

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Life is short, and I don’t need it to be spent

Angry or revengeful , that’s not my intent

A few years ago if you had told me

That I was a stereotypical example of my community

In disbelief I would have shaken my head

“Absolutely not,” is what I would have vehemently said

I had thought I was different, I could not fully integrate

In my community, therefore I could not in my estimate

Be a stereotype of someone from my community

The idea was just preposterous to me

I also believed, in my youthful audacity

That I could shape myself into anyone I wanted to be

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Over the years I’ve been trying to figure out

How others view me, and without a doubt

Even if I am perceived as different within my community

I conform to a stereotype when outsiders see me

I came to realize how the best and the worst

Of my community I had imbibed, this realization at first

Left my ego deflated, because I had thought

I was unique, that I was someone I really was not..

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To be a stereotype has a connotation negative

But your community imparts values with which you live

The values and ideas that members of your community share

Are built on a common history, of which you may be unaware

Who cares if people stereotype you

You know you stereotype other people too..

By achieving success by traditional measures

You would be able to lead a life of pleasure

Your problems would then be solved

Into a self-actualized human you would evolve

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You take this as gospel truth, you live

By this principle, your entire focus you give

To a relentless pursuit of “achievement”

To be successful becomes your only intent

Once you reach your final destination of success

You would achieve lasting stability, peace and happiness..

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Failure is not an option when the American dream is alive

Success is the goal whether or not you thrive

In the process of running after it blindly

If you’re not successful, how can you be happy…

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Your perseverance leads to success and you find

The happiness that as success was defined

Is far from your reach- the worst part

Is that you cannot share with anyone what is in your heart

Because to expose your vulnerability is to be perceived

As weak and unsuccessful- that is the pervasive belief

In the community that has built itself on the premise

That professional success in this country equates with bliss..

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I am an immigrant from India, and I, too,

Had subscribed to this narrow point of view

But as I raise my child, I am learning anew

The harm that pressure to achieve can do

It is hard, especially when your cultural identity

Hinges on professional success largely..

But I am committed to my child’s happiness

In the long run, not just professional success

So many times as a child she had heard

That she was speaking out of turn, but it never occurred

To her that this reprimand was more than a slap on the wrist

She felt guilty that she was unable to resist

Chiming in with her opinions that happened to be

Rather too liberal to go down well in a society

Struggling to discard the mentality deeply ingrained

Of exercising control over women, keeping their speech in chains…

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The hierarchy of power in a household outwardly harmonious

Was subtle, but strong, one step erroneous

Could upend the existing order, this she knew

But did not realize speaking out of turn was an infraction too..

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As she grew up she found herself increasingly

In situations where assertive she had to be

Her opinions she needed to articulate

With confidence, she needed to be able to state

Her reasoning, and defend it, but this she found

Extremely challenging, she suffered from self-doubt profound

She questioned herself if what she was about to say

Was spoken out of turn, or offensive to someone in some way..

Unfortunately as time went by she started to believe

That this was a character flaw, this is how herself she would perceive

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Years later, while reading a book she realized with a start

That those childhood admonishments had played a huge part

In making her afraid of expressing herself freely

The subtle control exercised over her had damaged her psyche

At the same time she realized those chains were now broken

She had to detach herself from her childhood to become more outspoken..

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She found her voice, and it continues to be

Strong, original, imbued in authenticity

(Especially during holidays when you do not celebrate them the way other people do…)

When you do things differently and do not conform

To cultural practices around you, do not follow the norm

Sometimes it becomes quite difficult to participate

In casual conversation, it is difficult to communicate

You do not want to become a social outcast, of course

Therefore, unwillingly yourself you force

And pretend with a fake smile that you follow

The usual customs, you let the conversation flow..

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You feel guilty, it’s not like you’re doing something wrong

It is expected but not mandatory to follow along

With the cultural norms, it’s not a crime to be different

But unfortunately the herd tends to be insistent

On following its mentality, or endless criticism you face

You want to be yourself, but retain your place

In the society, to be outcast is sad indeed

To be detached from your community is not what you need

Despite your guilt you disregard your conscience

And fib a little, to keep up the pretense

When your hard work yields no results and you feel defeated

When you put in your best effort and are left depleted

Of energy and enthusiasm, it is hard to see

A silver lining to the clouds of despondency

When you overcome multiple obstacles but do not get

Anywhere near your goal, you are obviously upset

You question your relevance in the grand design

Of the universe, it appears you cannot align

Your efforts with your goals, then you go down

A spiral of negativity, in a sea of despair you are ready to drown

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You drag yourself forward, what else can you do

Devoid of expectations, you make it through

The next few days until one day

Things seem to fall neatly in place your way

Your effort is appreciated, your hard work yields fruit

Your spirits come up, you are ready to shoot

Higher once again-this is the ebb and flow

Of failure and success, of high and low

The biggest know-it-all happens to be

My inner critic unfortunately

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My inner critic in an arrogant tone says

That it knows I cannot succeed anyway

When my mind is trying to picture that possibility

As I try venture into uncharted territory

My inner critic acts like failure is a truth absolute

My hopes of being successful it tries to refute

It tries to shut down any progress that I try to make

It tells me I am an imposter, that my capabilities are fake

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My inner critic’s voice I must shut down

So that in its proclamation of failure I do not drown

Let me listen to the tiny voice that gives me

Hope to move forward, hope that successful I can be

This voice is not as confident in its belief

As that of my inner critic, but it is a relief

To hear a voice within my mind

That is with my goals inclined

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Let me selectively hear the encouraging voice

And ignore the critic, let me exercise this choice

I am excited to reach my 30th and last post for this month. I was secretly participating in the National Blog Posting Month Challenge (doing it for the third year in a row!) I was unsure if I would be able to follow through given other commitments this month, and I did not want to publicly fail a challenge, therefore I did not mention it so far.

You really want to create a good impression

To the extent that it becomes an obsession

You say and do only what you’ve heard you should

You try to do things the way you think your boss would

You want to prove yourself worthy in his eyes

You assume trying to do your own thing would be unwise..

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You become a “yes-person”, you always echo

What your boss says, you stoke his ego

Sometimes you want to counter him

But the chances of that actually happening are slim

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You’ve stopped bringing original ideas to the table

Your ability to think for yourself seems disabled

Your boss treats you benevolently but does not

Recommend you for a promotion as you had thought…

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One day there is a problem in need of a solution

Somehow with your problem-solving skills and intuition

You come up with an answer that is your own

Everyone takes notice, you have shown

Your organization and your boss that you can be

An invaluable asset to the entire company

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This is the eureka moment when you realize

You cannot gain respect in your superior’s eyes

By imitation or sycophancy, instead you should enhance

Your own unique talents, when you get the right chance

To display your skills, you would be recognized

What set you apart is what would make you rise

Even when beauty was no longer skin deep

The slopes of traditional beauty were narrow and steep

I now applaud the Miss Universe beauty pageant

For being inclusive to a much greater extent

I wonder how beauty standards were so constrained

Within narrow walls, why women only with few characteristics reigned

The beauty of many women multi-faceted

Had been ignored and underestimated

The barriers of size, attire and gender definition

Have been broken in one stroke, ending an arbitrary tradition

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The world is inclusive even if society is not

Let society discard its archaic thoughts

To include all citizens of this planet

Diversity is inherent in the natural world and yet

Society has trampled diverse voices to exercise

Control so that one group can dominate and rise

It is time to demolish that hegemony

Like the natural world, we should embrace inclusivity

Peace and tranquility are hard to find

I’d gone to great lengths to quieten my mind

Tried everything the world tells one to do

Forced myself into various practices too

That have been proven to infuse calmness

But underlying issues I did not address

For my simmering discontent, that feeling pervasive

Of never being enough, with which I had habituated myself to live..

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Anything I encountered in my daily life would

Trigger feelings of inadequacy, I stood

On a shaky ground where my self-worth was tied

To what I achieved, therefore no matter how hard I tried

To improve my self-worth, it did not do so

No achievement was enough, I kept feeling low

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That feeling of never being enough colored everything for me

In increasingly grayer shades of despondency

Never was I with my situation at ease

Therefore never was I able to find peace

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It took years of self-examination to identify

What was wrong, and I still wonder why

I decided my self-worth equated what I achieved

This erroneous connection I had to cleave

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I wish I could say that I’ve found the solution I need

That from the shackles of my thinking I’ve been freed

It is a work in progress, and not a straightforward one

To accept myself as I am is easier said than done

One thing is clear- mental peace shall elusive stay

Until I accept myself independent of my achievements one day