Passion…unbridled

I must be calm, composed, even keel

Regardless of inside how I feel

My efficiency should be the same day after day

“Excuses” I must always keep at bay

Of course these expectations are quite reasonable

I must bring my most professional self to the table..

*

Except,

I cannot feel the same all the time, unfortunately

My hormones affect my performance inevitably

My monthly cycle affects me in body and mind

Therefore there are days when myself I find

Less alert, more sensitive, more tired or in pain

I am not making excuses for any secondary gain

I understand that my professional responsibilities

Must not be subject to my hormonal vagaries..

I try my best for my body to not get in the way

Of work, but my hormones do not always let me have a say

*

In a career spanning decades I can expect to see

Short-lived changes in my body and mind invariably

Pregnancy, postpartum period, menopause- all would be

Expected milestones on my life’s journey

Battling nausea, mood swings and night sweats would be rough

To forget about my discomfort completely would be tough

No matter how hard I try, there would be

Times when I would not at my peak performance be…

*

I would like nothing better than to be able

To bring my consistent self to the table

I would like to perform the way men do

But I have to work with my hormones too

In completing projects and meeting deadlines

The phase of my monthly cycle is always at the back of my mind…

Some days I have energy and am able to push myself more

Other days I need to slow down because I am sore..

*

This is not a rant but reality for women

Despite this, they are capable of outperforming men!

In every meeting, there are ideas I want to bring forward

But I cannot articulate them convincingly, so they are rarely heard

By those who dominate meetings with their eloquence

Their ideas are average but their confidence

Ensures that people listen to what they say

And are convinced to follow them anyway…

*

How can I convincingly put forward my thoughts

When I doubt whether I am right or not

The imposter syndrome has a strong hold on me

It does not let me state my point of view confidently..

*

Therefore tongue-tied in many meetings I remain

From sharing my ideas emphatically I refrain

When I stay quiet, it is unfortunate

That a harmful stereotype I perpetuate-

Of women at work being perceived as less capable

For leadership roles, they are considered less suitable

*

I must work on self-confidence

Those feeling of imposter syndrome intense

I must learn to completely disregard

Expressing my ideas should not be that hard…

As an over-aged trainee in most fields of medicine

To survive, one has to develop a thick skin

No matter what you do, as a general rule

You are susceptible to being ridiculed

When you lack in knowledge or cannot

Meet the impossible standards that are thought

To be essential to making you competent

Despite working hard, to the maximum extent

Praise is not something you often get

Instead you are told to never forget

That your teachers worked hours endless

During their training, you work much less..

*

This trial by fire is essential to survive

In the real world of practice, where your passion and drive

Should propel you through fatigue and lack of sleep

In treating patients you have to delve into your knowledge deep

Gradually the rigorous curriculum that seemed tough

Starts making sense, all the hours spent training were not nearly enough

You thank your teachers for being hard on you

And making you capable of doing what you can do…

If I start a book, I feel like I have a moral responsibility

To finish it, otherwise an insult to the writer it would be

As a reader, I want to keep an open mind

The best parts of the book I am keen to find

Before I pick up a book to read, of course

I look at the cover thoroughly, I do not force

Myself to read if the subject does not resonate with me

But once I start reading a book, it’s a different story…

*

I don’t want to feel like a quitter, I guess

(Though I gladly leave films half-seen, I confess)

Once I start a book, I plow through it anyway

At least I have honored the writer’s intention, I say

Besides, as a physician I have learnt to read

Boring subject matter as part of a rigorous curriculum indeed

Therefore a book that I do not find exciting enough

I continue to read, though sometimes it is tough

*

I debated whether to add this here

I think my actions are driven by fear-

One day I hope I shall publish a book

And hope that readers would take a look

At my labor of love, and read the book in its entirety

To all writers out there, I want to extend the same courtesy..

I light a lamp, as a nod to my inner light

The darkness within me I must fight

Let me dispel all dark thoughts away

Replace them with the light of hope today

This auspicious day let me be introspective

Look at life with a different perspective

Let my inner light shine, let me be aware

Of its power, that brightness with the world let me share..

*

The victory of good over evil I celebrate

Over the state of the world I contemplate

And send a prayer to the powers above

To let the evil of violence be won over by the good of love

Let darkness in the world fade away

For the brightness of humanity pave way

*

On Diwali each year, as I connect with my roots anew

I celebrate it at a spiritual level too

My soul finds catharsis when an earthen lamp I light

It reminds me of everything in my world that is right

Many times in life it appears

That the best is over, you fear

That what you have lost would define

The rest of your future, you resign

Yourself to this assumed fate

You let all hope for the future dissipate

You exist in the present and pine for the past

In which you had actually felt alive last

*

With your new reality peace you’ve made

The memories you were holding onto are beginning to fade

One fine day your life takes a turn

In the positive direction, you learn

That there is a silver lining to the cloud before you

You have received a second chance out of the blue..

*

You take this chance hesitatingly

You are afraid of your vulnerability

As life unfolds in a beautiful way

You let hope re-enter your heart, and stay

You feel alive in the moment once again

This second chance has erased your pain

Every piece of advice on finding success

Invariably places a lot of stress

On meeting people, making connections,

In the hope of finding an intersection

Of mutual business interests, that is the way

To enhance professional profile in this age and day…

Therefore going to business dinners is the norm

Where you have to be careful, you have to perform

The role of the suave, confident professional flawlessly

Impress those who can help you advance professionally

You are expected to find every opportunity to socialize

With people that can help your ambition be realized

*

It appears that an introvert is thus doomed to be

Not quite successful professionally

There must be a way to let your work speak

For itself, excellence at work should not be that weak

To require superficial interactions with people perceived

To be powerful, but that is what the world makes you believe..

*

Of course finding your tribe and making connections heartfelt

Is a path to enrichment in life and good health

But forced communication with an ulterior motive

May not for overall satisfaction be conducive

*

Communication may be the key to professional success

But professional growth is a multidimensional process

In the end trying to change who you are

May not allow you to get very far..

*

Each day that you perform your work with diligence

You get closer to achieving professional excellence

My horoscope says that stars are soon going to align

And supercharge my creativity, I want to believe in this cosmic design

The creative streak that I’ve been trying to cultivate

Right now appears to be in a perilous state

When I want to write, paint or come up with a new solution

I face a mental block, and my recent resolution

Of consciously incorporating a daily dose of creativity

In my life has not been working for me..

*

I am usually good at working under duress

But creative endeavors do not get along well with stress

One needs time and space to let the mind wander away

For a creative project to see the light of the day..

*

Not that I believe in horoscopes but this prediction gives me

Hope that creative juices would start flowing freely

More than anything else, it is the power of suggestion

That is going to propel me in the right direction

When I write, the world around me

Melts away into oblivion, all I see

Are the words I have typed, my ears

The ambient noise refuse to hear

The sensation of touch seems confined

To the pressure of my fingers on the keyboard, I find

That external distractions have melted away

In a rare state of flow I seem to stay

When my piece of writing is complete

I feel elated as if I’ve accomplished a feat

Even when I go back to the real world I experience

In a slightly different manner, each sense

At least for some time, this is what inspires me

To come back to writing repeatedly..

*

Writing is a personal form of meditation

In mindful writing, I find deep relaxation

While I can be distracted quite easily

Writing gives me focus and clarity

*

Therefore I write, and in doing so create

For myself a peaceful and blissful state…

Sometimes I want to go back to an era old

Where computer crashes do not unfold

Disasters that inconvenience many people simultaneously

Lead to anger, frustration, loss of precious productivity

Automation is great when it works well

But a single malfunction leads to hell

One single hacker can havoc create

One mistake can lead to a disastrous state

‘**

It’s convenient to let information live in the cloud somewhere

When things work smoothly, no one does care

But like a house of cards when things fall

In a moment of frustration, you recall

A time when information could be stored

In more tangible ways, until order is restored

You wish you could go back to paper and ink…

Hard copies must exist somewhere, you’d think…

**

The wondrous nature of technology is such

It does not allow you to pine for the past too much

Mostly a few clicks are needed for a problem to be solved

And you go back to using the technology that has evolved

Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what to say

Without giving your inner thoughts away

And when you do that inadvertently you do not know

How the other person thinks, whether you’ve made a friend or a foe

Everyone has sharply polarized views

Topics of discussion you carefully have to choose

Even traditionally “safe” areas for small talk no longer seem to be

Innocuous for discussion, feathers can be ruffled easily

Discussion about weather, for instance, can escalate

To heated discussions about change in climate

Discussion of health issues may invariably

Veer into highly contested territory

Reproductive rights, mental health, pandemic- all are

Some of the most provocative topics by far

Politics, religion and war are issues completely off-limit

So you don’t really know what topics under small talk fit..

*

So you stick on a forced plastic smile

Open your mouth only to compliment people, for a while

You meet new people but the conversation seems to stay

Superficial, you do not connect with people this way..

The list of taboo topics appears to grow

At the end of each gathering to which you go…

Can you say who is lonely and who is not

I urge you, just give it another thought

Your often too-loud, gregarious neighbor

Suffocating you with her over-friendly behavior

That friend who can self-deprecating jokes crack

Making everyone laugh, company who does not seem to lack

The one who shares details of her life excessively

None of them appear to be particularly lonely…

*

Your neighbor longs for a friendly face

To invite for lunch or dinner at her place

Your friend makes jokes at his own expense

Hoping to find someone to assuage his loneliness intense

The one who shares a bit too much with you

Has no other ear to pour her woes into…

*

You thought lonely people would have a vibe of melancholy

These animated people you meet often do not appear lonely

Behind a mask loneliness hides in plain sight

Seeking in every interaction a light

To dispel its darkness away, if momentarily

Look closely, many happy faces hide souls lonely..