I am afraid..

These are trying times, and health care workers are afraid as they try to navigate their personal and professional lives in the face of shortage of personal protective equipment, especially in the United States. This is an attempt to give a voice to all the physicians on the front lines..

Many times in my life had I been afraid

Worried sick, my emotions swayed

By fear of the unknown that I had allowed

To take hold of me, somehow…

I thought I understood fear

I did not though, now it is clear

*

Never in my life have I before

Felt fear that shook me to the core

This is fear at a completely different level

This is fear so feral, so primeval

Fear of the unknown, like a dark cloud

Threatening to envelop like a shroud

There’s no one to turn to, answers there are none

And the apocalyptic nightmare has just begun!

*

I was going through life with the thought

That working in healthcare a special fulfillment brought

I knew occupational hazards did exist

Yet most infectious agents I would comfortably resist

Never did I imagine that my source of pride

Would be replaced by constant fear by my side…

*

This fear is multidimensional, which is why

To try to understand it completely I

Am at a loss- besides the obvious fear of illness

And death- I have that additional fear to address

That if I work with complete dedication

I place my family and patients in a perilous situation…

Who do I protect first- this has become

A morbid riddle, an unsolvable conundrum

I am still learning to be torn apart

As I distance myself from those near to my heart

*

Fear envelops me, as I contemplate

The impossible decisions of deciding the fate

Of patients based on criteria that in better days

Would be considered discriminatory in criminal ways

My medical training had not equipped me to

Play God (or the Devil?) as I might be required to do..

*

With fearful thoughts raging through my mind

I try to trick myself to fall asleep, I remind

Myself that sleep is necessary to ensure

My immunity works and I can endure

Working in these times dystopian

Putting on a brave front as a physician

Yet the only action that my fear alleviates

Is acquiring knowledge, therefore I educate

Myself on the disease- feeling hopeful each time I read

About any promising treatment indeed…

I did not intend, nor do I care

To be called a superhero- to be fair

I am not one, so I should not be expected

To stay well without being protected

There is one fear I can allay-

If I get protective equipment, I can say

I am there for the sick, as I am required to do

Without feeling like a sacrificial lamb too…

*

I am afraid, and at the end of the day

I close my eyes, and simply pray…