Passion…unbridled

One of the most controversial episodes in the Hindu epic Ramayana is the Agnipariskha (Test by Fire) of Sita. As per the alleged tale, after Ram had defeated Ravan and rescued Sita, he refused to accept her and Sita was asked to jump into fire to prove her chastity after having lived in Lanka in Ravan’s kingdom where he had taken her after abducting her. The Fire God then rescued her and she came out unburnt.

Since I was a goddess, I thought erroneously

Agni Pariksha would end with me,

There was a shadow of me for masquerade

As the Avatar of Lakshmi I escaped unscathed

I thought women of generations after me

Would not have to face this ignominy

Would not have to face unfair blame

Would not be the ones to be ashamed

When crimes were inflicted on them by cruel men

But so wrong was I, sisters and brethren!

*

An era later Draupadi faced humiliation surpassing mine

Why was that part of the cosmic design?

Two eras later no change I can see

Women are bound by vagaries of patriarchy

Instructed to maintain their honor, and blamed

For freedom in dress, behavior, words, taught to be ashamed

When their rights are infringed upon violently

They continue to face trial by fire, I see

*

When I wanted to keep my honor, at least I could

Ask Mother Earth to take me in, so I would

Not have to face humiliation any more

What do mortal women have for them in store?

A woman’s autonomy is still a joke today

And we’ve made progress in women’s rights, you say?

My patient is sick, and she needs

My empathy, besides my expertise, indeed

I’m cognizant of her disability and pain

I also understand the mental strain

That she experiences every day

As heart failure (literally) sucks her breath away

Everything in my interaction that I emphasize

Is focused on her needs, with her I empathize

*

There is another person in the room, who I tend to ignore

The patient’s daughter, who has been taking on more

Responsibility for her care, with her deteriorating condition

Her role is pivotal but since I am not her physician

I miss the signs plainly visible on her face

Of caregiver fatigue, that should be obvious in this case

I have not paid much attention to her, I confess

Though she has been instrumental in the treatment’s success

*

She brings up the question of hiring more caregivers, sotto voce

And then I turn to her, to hear what she has to say

I realize that from the health care system and me

She needs, as much as her mother does, empathy

We all have the lives we are given

To deal with the cards in our hands, but then

Fortunately we have also been blessed

With the ability to think, imagine and process

We are not satisfied with the way things happen to be

We want life to fit our imagination, evidently

Sometimes some of us are lucky to be able to design

Some aspects of the life we have in mind..

But the script of our imagination rarely translates

Into the reel of our life, rarely do we get to write our fate

We are left with a deep longing for what could have been

In pining for our dreams, we are left caught between

The unglamorous real life and a utopian ideal

That, I believe, our mental peace does steal..

*

The secret behind finding peace of mind

May be to leave fantasies of an imaginary life behind

Accept life the way it is, and then assess

If there is a way to improve an existing process

Change what we can, accept the rest with gratitude

Forge our paths ahead with the right attitude

There are lines, neat and bold

Telling a story that begs to be told

Attention-grabbing, drawing you in

Expressing ideas given a clever spin

By the writer, who is trying to lead you

In a direction singular, as the article you read through..

Read the lines and your ideas would soon resonate

With the author’s vision, your mind would follow their template..

*

If you want the truth unvarnished, you may need

To look between the lines and read

Subtle insinuations, cues that are hidden

Pointing to something controversial or forbidden

Read with your intuition, your sixth sense

To distill the truth down to its essence

Lately I have had some trouble sleeping, precipitated by nights on hospital call. As I was trying to power through clinic in a mostly sleep-deprived state this week, I heard the complaint of insomnia or poor sleep from nearly every patient (Some of it may have to do with the soaring temperatures where even air-conditioning is insufficient)- this poem is about all of us who lie awake at night….

Ah, the curse of life these days

Affecting millions in different ways

Seems to be the inability to sleep

All the ills of the world conspire to keep

People tossing and turning at night

Dreaded insomnia we continuously fight

Is it mental health that feeds insomnia or the other way round

Trapped in a vicious vortex, we all are bound

By our insecurities, anxieties and fears

That lately on an upward swing appear

Pandemic, war, economy, violent crime

Loom large as monsters at the present time

In these tumultuous times we need to find

Solace in small aliquots for our minds

Somehow we need to find much needed sleep

Lack of it can have consequences deep..

*

At the end of a painful or vexing day

I hope restorative sleep drifts your way…

I read.. stories I consume

I gloat over ideas, I savor

I inhale the perfume

I experience the flavors

Of tales wild and true

And outlandish fantasies

Textured, layered ideas I accrue

Vivid words my imagination seize

I take in books like a connoisseur

I feel them using every sense

Reading a book is a metaphor

For a transcendent experience

*

I watch words as vivid scenes they conjure

I hear their noises and mellifluous tones

Their pleasant and odious odors I endure

I touch words- soft as silk or hard as bones

Books I read leave an aftertaste

Sweet, salty, sour, bitter- or a combination

Sometimes completely bland and chaste

Sometimes setting fire to my palate and imagination…

*

Simply put, reading gives me pleasure profound

Deep in a book my salvation is found

(This comes on the heels of the last poem- how a physician moves forward with hope in the midst of despair)

There were a thousand reasons to leave

Myriad annoyances that made me want to cleave

Myself from the profession that had become

My second skin, my identity, the overall sum

Of my strengths and weaknesses, an integral part

Of my capability, my intellect, my mind, my heart..

Except that it was exacting a price rising higher each day

Placing more roadblocks along the way

Distracting me from the essence of what was essential

Leading me towards a crisis existential

When did medicine become an obstacle race

Futile were all the hurdles I had to face

To take care of patients appropriately

The meaningless challenges made me want to flee

I reasoned that other paths I would be able to find

That would not as completely consume my mind…

*

But the grip of medicine was stronger than I thought

It is a calling, merely a vocation it is not

When the meaningless time sinks were shaved away

I realized the real essence of my work was there to stay

No one could take that away from me

That realization finally gave me clarity

The patient-physician relationship that was at the core

Of my profession was enough, I needed nothing more

The thousands of reasons for me to go away

Paled before that most important reason to stay…

*

I’ve faced challenges to be where I am now

To be broken by the system, myself I wouldn’t allow

Through all the challenges I shall forge a path ahead

I’ll ignore the distractions, focus on the crux instead

*

Discarding the thousand justifications to leave

I’ll stay because in the power of my profession I believe

Bit by bit I see chipping away

My once unbridled enthusiasm every day

I want to channel my energies in one place

On my patients, but my cognitive space

Is occupied by umpteen tasks unproductive

I have no more bandwidth left to give

Any more to this hallowed profession

With a heavy heart I make this confession

In documenting information meaningless

In jumping hoops through a convoluted process

In trying to please all those in power above me

I am missing the forest for each imposing tree

I fear what would happen if I no longer cared

For my patients’ well being- some days I worry I am there

I find feelings of sympathy ebbing out of me

How would I be a doctor without empathy?

We believe that to be in control of our destiny

Is the ultimate goal, one that would make us happy

So we try to establish control in any way we can

In a life that has a penchant for not following our plans

If only we tried hard enough, we are told;

We would see our deepest desires unfold

Then live our lives the way we want to

Be able to control our destinies too..

*

That illusion of control, so elusive

Interferes with our ability to peacefully live

When we lose control that we thought

We had, it beings forth an onslaught

Of self-deprecation and loathing intense

By losing semblance of control we lose confidence

And descend into a spiral of unhappiness

Lack of control makes us feel powerless

*

Let me propose this to you, then

To be truly happy, my brethren

One must accept that it is likely

That rarely shall anything under our control be

We deal with the cards life hands to us

In the best way we can, marveling at ways mysterious

In which the world runs, we live life as it unfolds

With all its beauty and ugliness to behold

Her great great great great grandmother did not go to school, you know

Her great great great grandmother was more fortunate though

She learnt to read and write, kept the books, taught her children ABC

Her great great grandmother could go to university

She marched to earn the right to vote snd won

A new era of equality for women had begun..

Her great grandmother lived through adversity

Became the primary breadwinner of the family

During the world war- her grandmother came of age

As women in the workforce started taking centerstage

Her mother has been a role model of independent thought

Who raised her to believe that she could not

Be made to do anything against her will by anyone

She entered the workforce after the “Me Too” movement had begun..

*

When her daughter was born little did she know

The world she lived in would be transformed so

That women’s freedom would be overturned overnight

Her daughter would not even have the right

That her grandmother did, with one stroke of pen

Patriarchy re-established control over women

“Sacrifice” is a sacred term, uttered with reverence

Conjuring images of stoicism and suffering intense

In which one human gives up something of value profound

To benefit other(s), without boasting around..

Ah what an altruistic ideal to aspire to!

“Sacrifice” is the epitome of virtue

For our families, all of us to some extent compromise

That gets elevated to the throne of sacrifice

The word is thrown around for emotional blackmail

“I sacrificed for you, now do as I say” never seems to fail

**

What can truly be called sacrifice

Exacts from the sacrificer a very high price

For our loved ones the compromises we make

Are usually quite minor, not much is at stake

Calling them sacrifices denigrates the word

When nothing earth-shattering has occurred

**

Life calls for compromises often, I agree

But sacrifice is rarely necessary

I have made adjustments in life, admittedly

Without sacrificing what is truly important to me

Sitting in my ivory tower I churn out

Manuscripts on a subject obscure

Of which I am an expert, no doubt

My research is authentic and pure

I write treatises, travel everywhere

On this esoteric topic I expound

To the same group of academics who care

Enough to hear an “expert” renowned

*

There are days when my work appears

Groundbreaking, and important to me

There are other days when I fear

That I’ve lost touch with reality

I’ve toiled hard, narrowed down my field

To reach my level of expertise

In my research arena, influence I wield

In every other sphere, I am ill at ease

*

I worry I would be rendered irrelevant

If I could not publish, perish I would

That had certainly not been my intent

When at these hallowed portals I had first stood

*

The ivory tower makes you climb so high

You lose touch with reality on the ground

Let me descend from the limitless sky

Down to where real wisdom is to be found

Let me apply the knowledge I have gained

Towards practical use, I know it can be done

Among intellectuals I might have reigned

Now there is a harder challenge to be won…