Passion…unbridled

Languid limbs stretched out 

Splayed carelessly on the couch

Bones feel sore, painful, weary

Eyes unfocused, vision blurry

Widening yawns, hard to suppress

Benumbed mind, words hard to express

Fighting sleep in feeble attempts

To make exhausted nerves relent

And play along for hours, few more

Until sleep finally shuts mind’s door

This is how my evenings unfold

With fatigue keeping on me a strong hold. 

Growing up, I thought my aim

Was to acquire “success”

Measured by money, power and fame-

It was the key to happiness

I thought it was a milestone

That at a finite distance I’d reach

I’d gladly face hardships alone

Made a promise to myself I could not breach.

As I labored along the pathway

Success acquired a quality elusive

The path seemed infinite, day after day

Success seemed something that was exclusive.

For as I achieved, so grew my desire

I longed for more- fame, power, money

To achieve more success I did aspire

Thus success grew more distant progressively.

Until I realized that I was mislead

Being successful came from within

I needed to satisfy my soul instead

Rest everything would in place fall in.

Success was not the key to happiness

Rather it was the other way around

Happiness in my work gave rise to success

The essence of being successful I had found!

Events that leave an indelible stain

On the temporal lobe of my brain

Over time they tend to morph

Pleasant memories seem to dwarf

Memories that are too painful to bear-

My memory bank is never fair

It indulges in this clever artifice

For joyous moments it displays avarice

The good it tends to magnify manifold

The bad it tucks away in remote folds

My deviant memory can thus ensure

That burdens of past I can endure

Focus on the present, for future hope.

Not dwell on past errors’ slippery slope

Tyrannical tedium of loneliness

Sucking out the last breath of happiness

I trudged wearily, of company devoid

Dejected, listless, hopeless, annoyed

Ennui enveloped me like a shroud

My sky was covered by a dark cloud

No will to live, no ambition to achieve

Nothing to trust, no one to believe

**

Then one day, my life took a somersault

Sunlight filtered through a crack in fate’s vault

Love came to me, like the freshest blossom

Invigorated me, brought a sensation awesome

Every pore of me was suddenly alive

In  the ocean of pleasure now I could dive

The greyness of clouds, to silver gave way

Resplendent in love was my perfect day.

I am my own nemesis

I thwart my own progress

On weaknesses I lay emphasis

And disregard any success

This is something I realized

After introspection relentless

And when I did, I was surprised

That I had caused my unhappiness..

Every negative experience

Made me turn inwards and chide

Myself, and curse my existence-

From myself I always wanted to hide

Took me years to comprehend

The world was my soul’s reflection

If within myself I would make amends

My world would move in the same direction

I was looking for external validation

For love, and whole-hearted acceptance

How could I expect it when self-condemnation

Had invaded every corner of my existence?

***

I was grateful for having realized

That my own worst enemy was I

It did not take me long to decide

To give self-love an honest try

Difficult as it was to replace

Self-loathing with kindness and love

It was spiritual travel to a new place

With blessings from above.