Passion…unbridled

The longer I work in medicine the more I realize

The practice of medicine is in humility an exercise

*

Answers to new questions every day researchers find

With new discoveries new paradigms in treatment are defined

As clinicians we learn to keep abreast

Of the latest developments, in treatments and tests

We think we can confidently diagnose and treat

Common conditions in our specialty, we do that on repeat

We think we know the limitations of our expertise

We can appropriately refer patients to other specialties

*

Then comes along a case that appears

Usual in its presentation, we adhere

To accepted guidelines in patient management

But the outcome is unexpected- such an encounter presents

An opportunity to re-examine the limitations

Of existing knowledge, an opportunity for re-education

Such encounters keep us grounded and humble

Once in a while, all of us stumble

*

They say patients do not read textbooks before they present

And I’ve realized this is true to a great extent

Each individual is different, and the natural history of each disease

Can change over time, leading to variabilities

In patient outcomes, keeping us from complacency

Truth be told, this is what makes medicine intellectually stimulating to me

My talents to the world I want to showcase

But I cannot bring myself to fully embrace

My own strengths, I am afflicted

By imposter syndrome, I stay conflicted

Between the desire to show everyone my capabilities

And staying behind the scenes, trapped in my insecurities..

When I do start talking about my achievements I fear

That boastful and arrogant to others I appear

*

I’ve witnessed people confidently display

Their talents to the world, unabashedly say

How good they are at something, without a trace of arrogance

I only wish I had that kind of confidence..

*

I talked myself into believing that confidence would come

With experience, as I continued to hone my skills it would become

Easier for me to display my talents without fear

But my hesitancy has not decreased in all these years

*

Let me then turn inwards and review my progress

Forget about the world that I was trying to impress

Most of my life has revolved around competition in some form

Being competitive I have assumed to be a societal norm

Competing at every stage of life I have arrived

At this stage in my career, to continue to thrive

Do I still need to compete with those around me

Or can I sit back and be more carefree?

*

I long to follow the latter path, but my mind seems to protest

It encourages me to be competitive to protect my interests

Competition equates comparison, comparison is the thief of joy indeed

My heart reminds me- therefore competition I do not need

*

A rush of adrenaline courses through me

When I am competing actively

I am addicted to this adrenaline rush, I confess

It shoots higher when I claim success

But a crash invariably follows

The high is replaced by a resounding low

If I eliminated competition from my mind

Freed from this cycle myself I would find

*

There was a time and place for competition, no doubt

It led me far, but without competition I can now do without

And lead my life, peaceful and slow

As I learn to go along with the flow

In an individualistic society we forget

That all of us need safety nets..

*

Life is in the best of times, unpredictable

You may be one step away from being unable

To work, have medical coverage, or enough to eat

Though today you can do more than just make ends meet

There is a precarious balance in life that can be

Disturbed by a single event unfortunately

With your resilience you would eventually get back on your feet

But doing it all alone would be an extraordinary feat

*

Our hard-working, law-abiding citizens need safety nets

That catch them before they fall, we should not let

Them languish in the trenches when struck by a stroke of bad luck

Our social systems should pull them out of the muck..

*

Individually we all do our part to survive

But it is by collective effort that we thrive

How would my last day at work be?

I hope it would be the culmination of a career satisfactory

Of one of the most storied chapters of my life, it would signal the end

I hope the day does not come sooner than I intend..

*

I hope my professional life is not derailed

By deteriorating health, I hope I don’t fail

To accomplish my goals because of physical limitations

I hope my last work day is not in such a situation

*

Sometimes burnout imminent appears

And being forced to leave my profession prematurely I fear

But when things are going right, I have no desire to leave

My last day at work would be one of contentment, I believe

*

My work is such an integral part of me

Without it I would lose my identity

I hope in my professional life the last day

Is currently decades away

All the unused objects cluttering my space

Are unfinished stories that I’m afraid to face

Unrealized potential, abandoned possibilities

A life that could have been, the “what-ifs” that never cease

The camera for the photographs that could have been clicked

The flamboyant dress that could have been for an award ceremony picked

The books that could have been on a sabbatical read

The art supplies that could to a new hobby have led

All languish in various corners, forgotten over the years

Hiding disappointments, broken dreams and fears

*

I pick up each object, and jog my memory

To come up with its incomplete history

Whether its story merits completion is a decision I have to make

If so, I keep it, if not, a place it takes

In the decluttering pile, where its story ends for me

Leaving both my space and my mind a bit more free

*

As I declutter my place, I close the door

On unfinished stories, making space for more

This is a dilemma as a physician I face

Should I be accessible irrespective of time and place?

*

Each time someone has a non-urgent question and I am not on call

Should they have access to my opinion at all?

Should the precious moments with my family be repeatedly sacrificed?

Is that, for being a physician, a fair price?

*

The moral aspect of this question

Becomes crucial to making my decision

Someone is suffering and helpful I can be

Therefore I end up sacrificing my time free

To give my professional opinion when I am not required to

It still seems the right thing to do

*

The trouble is where to draw the line

A few moments of my time seems fine

But when it turns into an impromptu consultation

Lasting a while, it is a cause for consternation

*

The more I acquiesce the more I see

My boundaries being pushed frequently

It is a slippery slope from there

Free advice takes up a lot of my time spare

*

Therefore I think boundaries should be clear

And to those boundaries both parties should adhere

I should not make myself available when I don’t need to be

Towards myself and my family I should fulfill my responsibility

Each time dissatisfaction with my child I express

I get extremely worried, I confess

Were the words I uttered in an annoyed state

More damaging than I could estimate

Was I scarring my child for life, was I lowering his self-esteem

Was I alienating him from myself, overbearing to him did I seem?

*

I read about childhood trauma causing scars permanent

And wonder if I have traumatized my child and to what extent

I beg a higher power for forgiveness, and yet I don’t know

How to not let my rather scathing criticism show

I try to remind myself not to expect my son

To fulfill my overt and covert expectations

But the perfectionist streak that runs through me

Makes me parent him more harshly

I wish I could stop each time I begin to criticize

But when I am upset, this is not something I realize

*

I want, like all mothers, for my son to grow

Into a confident individual who knows

His self-worth, someone who is not held back

By self-doubt, someone who initiative does not lack

Someone who is ready to go out and claim

The world as his oyster, to make for himself a name

And I sincerely hope I do not a hindrance present

To his growth and his holistic development

I saw an advertisement that proclaimed

“Disappear for a month and your life reclaim”

It was supposed to be for burnout a plan of action

When I saw it, my very first reaction

Was that the universe was calling out to me

For impending burnout that was what I needed exactly

To retreat from daily life for a month and embark

On a journey for soul-searching, to reignite my spark..

The clickbait was definitely designed for someone like me

Searching for a solution to prevent burnout desperately

*

If it were that simple perhaps most organizations

Would grant their employees a month-long vacation

Assuming that they would emerge completely cured

From burnout and be ready to take on more..

Disappearing for a month to practice new strategies for burnout

Is attractive in principle without a doubt

But would those strategies work when you came back

Would you be able to apply in your old life new hacks?

*

A period of rest helps, but does not eliminate

The factors that led to burnout, so unless you could start with a clean slate

Running away for a month just to return to the old place

Would be unlikely to make it any easier to face

The same old issues, therefore in the trenches I remain

Trying to make changes that can be sustained

Such that the threat of burnout gradually decreases

And my professional satisfaction increases

Entitlement as a negative trait is viewed

But people with a sense of entitlement exude

Quiet confidence that tends to open doors

Without the need to ask for more

They appear comfortable in their skin

And that allows them to score more wins

*

Conversely people who do not possess

A sense of entitlement view the path to success

As being full of struggle, they do not appear

As confident, their demeanor underscores their fear

*

I feel entitled at times because of my educational qualifications

I conduct myself with confidence and sophistication

I know doors open because I assume it’s my right

Between confidence and arrogance I walk a rope tight

Perhaps AI can craft a poem better than a person

Because it can rehash thousands of poems to create a version

That is perfect in rhyme, meter, syntax and form

That to every rule of writing poetry can conform

But when a human poet writes a poem he involves in the process

His thoughts and emotions, which AI does not possess

If the poet’s impression a poem does nor convey

Then is the poem even worth writing anyway?

*

If poetry can be written without a soul

How can the beauty of poetry be extolled?

Who benefits from reading a verse composed

By AI, who needs of counterfeit medicine a dose?

*

If poems are worth reading, I strongly believe

They should be written by people who can conceive

Of ideas based on their feelings intimate

Not by AI that can large volumes of data collate

What would a life synchronized with my hormones look like?

If I could harness the estrogen spike

Push myself further, try to achieve more

At the peak of my energy, some wins score

Go out in the world with confidence

Engage in physical activity intense

Then start slowing down, to focus on self-care

In the second half of the month, prepare

For physical discomfort and imminent mood swings

That the second half of the month brings

Spend time in quiet self-reflection, amble at a slower pace

For the discomfort about to come, myself brace

Devote the worst part of the month to much-needed rest

So that with the hormonal upswing, I am ready to give it my best..

*

Alas, the work landscape was by men designed

No one had women’s physiology in mind

So women try to ignore their hormonal waves

And put up a front that is brave

Despite this, I’ve realized that if I live

In synchrony with my hormones, I can be more productive

So wherever I can, I have decided to follow

My cyclic hormonal ebb and flow