Passion…unbridled

I’m trying to resolve this paradox within me

On one hand I take comfort in familiarity

Predictable routines and rituals keep my anxiety at bay

But when nothing changes from day to day

I quickly get bored, I need mental stimulation

A new experience to indulge my senses, or a brief vacation

To shake up my routine, to introduce an element

Of novelty or a streak of adventure is my intent

*

I think the reason for the paradox lies in the degree

To which each situation makes me feel in control completely

When my rituals are disrupted, things seem to get taken out of my hand

Therefore a regimented lifestyle I can better withstand

When I get bored by routines, I consciously choose

Novel experiences to satiate myself, I do not lose

Control of any part of my life, unlike the former situation

So I look for predictability at work and unpredictability on vacation

Many years ago, as a young physician

I read something that created an indelible impression

The author had put forth strong arguments

For all doctors to consider writing, this intensified my intent

To start writing one day, once enough experiences I had accumulated

I wanted my word to have value, in retrospect I should not have waited

*

I write these days, and though I do not

Write much about doctoring, the thought

Of being able to put words on paper seems to be

A way to crystallize everything I see

In my daily life as a physician

The entire spectrum of human condition

I am, as part of work, able to witness

Writing has helped me process

Some of the most complex conundrums I face

Now I understand why a doctor should carve out some space

To write- many doctors have contributed significantly

To the world through their writing, and while I do not see

Myself in that category, writing for myself hopefully let me become

The best version of myself as a person and a physician

I have been doing this my entire life but only learnt today

That linguistic code-switching is the name given to the way

In which most Indians like me tend to communicate

Using a mixture of Hindi and English to convey in a manner adequate

Our message- words and phrases of one language assimilate

With the grammar of the other language to create

A colorful linguistic mixture that fosters a rapport instant

It is like talking in code to a certain extent

For who else but an Indian fluent in both languages would use

“Hinglish” to communicate- the conversation would leave English speakers confused..

*

Let me clarify here- this is something that to us comes naturally

A powerful vestige of our colonial past English happens to be

English words are baked into our lexicon so thoroughly

That we even make plurals and verbs out of them in Hindi

We start sentences in one language and finish them in the other one

Often completely oblivious of our sentence construction..

*

If you notice Indians code-switching, just let us know

Chances are we have not realized we are doing so

We can switch to one language easily indeed

Sometimes a gentle reminder we need..

I was ambitious and I hoped my unbridled ambition

Would propel me towards a successful position

In life and in society, motivate me to achieve

Excellence in what I did, I sincerely did believe

That ambition would be the most powerful driving force

That would keep me focused and on the right course

I naively assumed my ambition would be

Indestructible and immutable in its intensity

*

I managed to cling on to preconceived notions

Of success, achievement and ambition

But the fire of ambition did not materialize

As a fuel for success, instead, much later did I realize

That fire burnt within me and became a force destructive

Consumed me, let me be spent but did not give

The roadmap to success I had sorely desired

It left me disillusioned, unmotivated and tired

*

Although ambition did not let me get anywhere

Its embers are not extinguished, I am aware

The fire still burns, it causes me intense pain

As I realize how badly I have failed, once again

*

From my ambition I am actively trying to break free

Trying not to aim for a target lofty

Maybe on the other side of ambition I would find

A different form of success that soothes my soul and my mind

Why am I embroiled in a futile search on the internet

The answers I am looking for, I am not going to get

When consumed by self-doubt and despondency

Why do I think the internet would give me

Solutions or positive reinforcement of some kind

The more I browse, the more depressing content I am likely to find

And if I check social media, my feelings of inadequacy would be

Heightened several-fold, that is the outcome likely

*

Why do I not train myself to explore

Activities that fill my cup some more

Read a good book or try to write

Even when circumstances do not feel right

Go for a brisk walk or talk to a friend

Do something such that valuable time I do not spend

In browsing the internet aimlessly

Let my spirits improve significantly..

When you start meeting people outside your community

At first you are surprised by what you see

The differences in cultural norms astound you

All you notice are distinctions around you

You view others with mild disbelief, unable to understand

How their lives are so different from yours in another land

Out of curiosity you learn more about them and yet

You maintain your distance, close to them you do not get

*

If you continue to expand your circle to include

Even more people from diverse backgrounds, you eventually conclude

That more similarities than differences exist

Among people, even if assimilation you initially resist

Eventually common human traits overtake

The arbitrary cultural constructs that make

People of different communities believe they are different

You start relating to people to a greater extent..

*

In my humble opinion it is unfortunate

That many people stop rather than trying to assimilate

When they encounter differences, they feel intimidated

And retreat into comfort among people with whom they are related

If only more of us would one step further go

We would truly be able to get to know

Other people as human beings and find

True connection, leaving cultural differences behind

Your work will never love you back, they say

Yet many of us go on “loving” our work every day

To the exclusion of everything else in our lives

If we did not love what we did, how would we thrive

In the professional world, and in the personal too

Because our lives are reflections of what we do

Work provides meaning, sustenance and identity

We think loving our work would set us free

From the tyranny of making a living

Work is the precious gift that keeps on giving..

So we cling tenaciously to work, making it the center of attention

Of our lives, making ourselves of our work an extension

*

Work does not love you back no matter how much you invest

In this relationship, therefore it is best

Not to love work to such an extent

That others around you begin to resent

Your immersion in work to the exclusion

Of everything else, steer away from the illusion

That your relevance lies in the work that you do

Like your work but love the people around you

Sometimes the monotony of life is such

That I just keep drifting, without caring much

The never-wavering routine seems inane

My enthusiasm for life and work seems to wane

There is nothing I can actually “do” to switch things up

So I lean back on what reliably fills my cup-

I wake up my imagination, lying dormant

And snippets of stories I try to invent

When I see people I try to imagine how they live

And in the world I conjure, identities to them I give

Mostly I tuck such character descriptions in a corner of my mind

They are half-baked ideas to be retrieved when I find

The perfect story to write, hopefully one day

For now I just entertain myself privately this way..

*

I have a confession to make here

Watching people and imagining their lives does appear

Intrusive to me at times, I wonder if people would feel

Gravely offended if their imaginary characters I revealed

Perhaps it is better that my ideas stay

In my mind, and never see the light of the day!

I write about reading books all the time, but I just read a really great one today. As I reflected on how reading a good book makes me feel, I realized how fortunate I am to have my need to read met easily through a public library. Growing up I did not always have access to books the way I do now, so my library card is actually a prized possession!

Most people would consider it a want, not a need

But when a book ends up being a satisfying read

I feel an endorphin rush, my mood is elevated

A deep seated craving within my soul is satiated

A good book fulfills a need that I rarely realize exists

I want to read good books but the extent to which my spirits they can lift

I only realize when I finish reading a well-written one

A book that appeals to both my intellect and my emotions..

*

Life in these unpredictable times tends to be stressful indeed

I gravitate towards books when stress-busters I need

A good book fits right into that spot

Therefore a mere want it is not

I am grateful that my need is simple and I have access

To unlimited books- my library card is the best thing I possess

When I look around me, it seems “othering” has become

An all-pervasive, grave problem that must be overcome

*

In a hyperconnected world we should have been more unified

Instead, the rise of social media has our differences magnified

How are we regressing towards being tribalistic

Our progressive civilization is acquiring traits atavistic

Intuitively I would think a shrinking world would mean

Greater exposure to cultures previously unseen

Which you’d think would lead to differences being erased

Instead, every day new differences are being raised

Each group sticks to its point of view

fervently

The opposite viewpoint people are not willing to see

This othering of those outside one’s group had become

A highly charged global, universal phenomenon

*

Of harboring thoughts of othering, I too am guilty

Though my ideal self would like the world to be one big family

I must learn to examine and recognize

My own unconscious biases and realize

When I start othering people, so that I can stop right there

Changing the paradigm starts by being more aware

There’s a war going on in my country that has overshadowed everything

That’s all people associate with my nation, but if I can bring

An Olympic medal home, that would be a victory

Not just for me but for my war-ravaged country

I cannot change politics, I cannot stop the senseless war

But I can try to excel in my sport, stand tall for

My beloved nation that has provided me

The opportunity to bring respite from the misery..

*

My country is not exactly known for excellence

In the Olympics, towards my sport there is indifference

But an Olympic medal is the stuff that makes up dreams

Even though a medal out of my reach seems

I must fight for it, let me give the Olympics all I possess

There are no expectations from me, but I want to taste success

*

My country’s team always snatches the golds

Then why is our performance this time so cold?

Other teams are catching up to us in their skills

We have to improve, practice harder still

There are expectations from me and my team

We have to win, no matter how hard it seems..

*

So many players from different nations

All with their dreams and aspirations

Compete in the Olympics, giving the games their best

While the world watches them with great interest

When you told me not to do something a certain way

I was confused, I had no reference to comprehend anyway

What your motivation or reasoning happened to be

That you were being unreasonable is all I could see

Other parents did not curb the freedom of their daughters the way you wanted to

I neither understood where you were coming from nor did I care to

Listen to you in those tumultuous adolescent years

I did not know I was manifesting at that time your worst fears

You must have tried to explain to me your traditions

Based on which you were making these decisions

But it was a different world in which I had grown

I had never lived in the country from which you had flown..

*

My daughter, it was an uphill battle for me

To raise you in a completely different country

With cultural norms so different from my own

In bringing you up, I was treading through waters unknown

What you perceived as lack of freedom was for me

A way to inculcate in you the traditions of my country

I knew (having experienced the period of adolescence)

That you were in the expected phase of defiance

Where any rule from your parents would feel too restrictive

But complete freedom to you I could obviously not give

To the parent-teen friction was this added layer

Of cultural differences in behavior, dress and hair

Between my parent culture and my adopted one

A middle path between the two was the one

I expected you to follow eventually

Which you did- with some consternation evidently

I made a mistake when I assumed you would understand

Where I was coming from, the deep-rooted practices of my homeland

I don’t know how you feel but here’s what I have to say