Passion…unbridled

I have a chronic illness

It makes me ruminate, obsess

Over its existence constantly

The shadow I don’t want to see

Like a companion cantankerous

Interrupting, creating a fuss

Admonishing me to take care of it

Reminding me of things that can’t fit

My life and my chronic illness

Warning me to manage stress

Given to me, quite ironically

By the illness that rules over me..

*

Sometimes I think the illness could be

A suffix added to my name, I cannot see

Myself without the addition

Of my unfortunate condition

For many years I have tried in every way

To tame this beast, yet to this day

The beast of my illness rules over me

I just tolerate its unpredictability

*

The world tends to tie productivity

To physical fitness, thus someone like me

Could be considered a worker subpar

That is what would hurt me the most, by far

So I try to give my 110 percent

Go above and beyond to prevent

Any doubts raised on my performance

Illness or not, I still strive towards excellence

A Japanese philosophy that originated in the 15th century as a reaction to the prevailing aesthetic of luxury, wabi-sabi is the art of finding beauty in imperfection and the ephemeral nature of life.

Rearrange, reorganize, replace, repeat

Until everything around you looks perfect and neat

The advice applies to your personal grooming, home and workplace

No specks of dirt, each task complete, no wrinkle in place

Cleanliness and organization are synonymous

With a person successful and industrious

To strive to improve your environment, leave it spotless

Is the mark of someone making progress..

Work towards perfection constantly, in every way

To feel accomplished at the end of the day

*

That summed up a lifetime of advice given to me

I did strive towards this vision of perfection, naturally

Until I started to feel vague stirrings of discontent

Things looked mostly perfect as was my intent

The world conspired to bring me to a moment of revelation

I found the concept of “wabi-sabi”, to my fascination

This was precisely the concept I needed to find

Even though it contradicted everything in my mind..

*

Imperfect, transient, earthy and rooted in authenticity

To embrace the world, flawed in its beauty

To slow down, observe, let things be as they exist

The impulse to change or improve them, try to resist

I am warming up to this concept gradually

Leaving things undisturbed rather than be in a frenzy

To make them perfect, unblemished or too clean

To see some things in the world as they were meant to be seen

Oh yes I will admit I’ve always been too much

Throughout my life I’ve been told by everyone as such

Too loud, too opinionated, flamboyant as well

I make people uncomfortable, I can tell

Almost always to myself attention I draw

Not in a complimentary way, but perceived as a flaw

I must tone it down, often I’ve been told

I come across as too aggressive and bold

A nurturing vibe women are expected to project

If she is too assertive, most people object..

I cannot infuse my tone with artificial sweetness

That is just not me, my true nature I cannot suppress

I end up being criticized and corrected equally

By both women and men, based on norms of society…

*

I am not a rebel, and long have I tried

To “tone myself down” so others would be satisfied

But then I have to be conscious of my behavior constantly

I cannot say or do anything spontaneously

Confining my exuberance inside closed walls

Is constricting; does not let me thrive at all

*

I remind myself I am an adult and own

My strengths and weaknesses, they are mine alone

As long as my behavior does not hurt anyone

How unladylike I am should affect none

So I’ll throw away that layer covering me

That has muted the ebullience I want everyone to see

I’ll talk and laugh loudly, break into dance, and sing

And ignore the disapproving looks this would bring

The most important element with which I want to live

The one thing that proves to be painfully elusive

That is hard to achieve, and harder to maintain

Once achieved- I lose it again and again..

I long for, actively seek, strive to find

Balance in my life, for peace of my mind

Balance between work and home responsibilities

Between challenging myself and feeling at ease

Between strenuous activity and complete rest

Between old hobbies and new interests

Indulgence and austerity, experienced in equal measure

Emotional discomfort offset by pursuit of pleasure..

To be stoic enough to get through a catastrophic event

To embrace Epicurean delights when opportunities present..

*

Each moment of life cannot be perfectly balanced, I know

Over a time-space continuum, in a balanced way I should grow

So when I start drifting towards extremes in any domain

I pull myself towards the center, towards balance again

If I had a dollar for each time I am asked this question,

I would undoubtedly be a rich person

“How did you learn to speak English so well?”

“So you grew up in India? From your accent I couldn’t tell..”

Many hours I have spent trying to formulate

The best, most succinct reply- I estimate

That no one wants to hear what I have to say

Still, having been reminded of my foreignness, I say something anyway

*

I tell them how we are expected to be

At least bilingual in my parent country

I tell them that many Indians are in English fluent

Despite enunciating words with an accent

I cannot refrain from adding the statistic though

Eighty percent of English teachers world over are not native speakers, you know

*

What I do not say is penned down here

The sentiment is too strong to be expressed easily, I fear-

I am the product of a past inexorably ingrained

In colonialism, many effects of which have not waned

With the passage of time, such as the English language

That permeates the consciousness of those colonized even in this age

Everyone has a desire to imbibe the culture dominant

That belongs to the oppressor, the unexpressed intent

Is to find a way to snatch back the self-esteem

That was lost in colonization and that needs to be redeemed

Therefore we learn English, and learn it well too

It’s the language of success, at least we believe that is true..

Where do I find the will power to ignore

The urge to buy, there are so many stimuli that lure

Me with their advertisements inviting and tasteful

I forget that buying things I do not need is wasteful

Or I convince myself that the bright new stuff

Is badly needed, my life is not enough

Without its possession, thus I must part

With moolah to satisfy the craving in my heart

The more I browse my devices, the more I notice

Beautiful, artistic objects that promise me bliss..

*

Attachment to material things should not lead to

Lasting happiness, but I know this much is true

The power of retail therapy cannot be underestimated

Snagging something new at a stellar price leaves me satiated

Maybe I fill an emotional void with a purchase

But if brings me pleasure in so many ways

The privilege to buy what I want and when I fancy

Is something that with gratitude I see

In a consumer-driven society a part I play

In the economy by spending money this way

*

By making me happy, my purchase fulfilled its intent

I couldn’t care less if the feeling is transient…

I search for time, in doses small

The last time I wasn’t rushed, I can’t recall

I want to simply stare out of the window

Daydream, think, let the moment flow

Without being filled by a productive task

If only I could in the glory of leisure time bask..

Maybe I could some inspiration find

Finally satisfy that craving in my mind

To create my masterpiece in art

In reality I’ve not even been able to start

Any creative project because I lack

The time it needs to get on track

*

I find free minutes here and there

Then, before I’m fully aware

Something comes up to fill

That aliquot of time, and despite my will

To savor that time doing nothing at all

Into the vicious trap of productivity I fall

I tell myself that I would be free

Once the task is completed satisfactorily..

*

Thus free time remains a dream that seldom sees the light of the day

I keep working harder, and time just flies away

People might try to make you feel

Inadequate, not good enough, try to steal

The limelight from you, downplay

Your achievements, take away

The credit from you- make every effort to find

A chink in your armor, play games with your mind

Until your strong nerves start to fray

Your confidence starts ebbing away..

*

As a woman accomplished and independent

You are likely to face this predicament

You have nerves of steel, you think

Yet you might be brought to the brink

Of doubting yourself because you’ve been

Subjected to gaslighting in ways both obvious and unseen

You start wondering something is wrong with you

What you thought were your strengths appear weaknesses too..

*

You are a strong woman and you should not be

Affected by criticism of your work that easily

By the time your realize the other person’s intent

The damage has been done to a great extent

It had started with comments innocuous

Laced with slight insults, nothing worth making a fuss

You did not realize what was going on there

Until the situation seemed beyond repair

*

As a woman, you have to keep your cup

Full to the brim, find those who build you up

Let no one steal the thunder from you

You are in control, and that is true

Many assumptions I have made

About myself, I realize they have played

A major role in how myself I see

There are opportunities I disregard freely

Because I am “not that kind of a person”

Many activities are just not for someone

Like me- I am too ordinary, too cautious, too busy

Too short, too unfit, too unskilled or just lazy

So I end up saying no to many challenges new

Getting out of my comfort zone isn’t something I do

Just because they do not fit the image in my mind

Of who I am, or are not with my preconceived interests aligned

*

You should not put people in boxes, I believe

But placing myself in a box is something I seem to perceive

As a perfectly acceptable thing to do

I have stereotyped myself, it’s true

I am in chains that I myself have made

Through uncharted waters I need to wade

In order to see meaningful progress

Who knows which opportunity would lead to success?

I am supposed to think, and process complex thoughts

I tend to spend my time thinking a lot

I weigh the pros and cons of every issue at hand

I try to ensure that I completely understand

The situation before performing an action deliberate

For most decisions I’ve had time to pre-meditate

If I seem to come to a conclusion quickly

It’s because my experience has helped me

Arrive at that point, not because I’m in a hurry

If I don’t think through things, I’d make mistakes, I worry

*

As I grow older and acquire some worldly experience

(Including a pandemic that brought changes intense)

I realize I tend to overthink frequently

It’s not meticulousness but anxiety evidently

I suspect from a platform of fear I operate

I think if unknown variables I eliminate

From a situation by examining it as a whole

I would be able to maintain control..

But no amount of overthinking can

Predict a curveball, a black swan event

Sometimes overthinking and over-rationalization

Can also lead me towards an erroneous decision..

*

Maybe I should not always think as much as I do

Go with my gut feeling, listen to intuition too

Not everything in life follows rules defined

Therefor rather than overburden my mind

I have consciously decided to not think a lot

Go with the flow, pair intuition with my thoughts..

Everyone talks about open doors

Everyone tells you to open doors

With your astuteness and perseverance

Or to take advantage of the presence

Of an open door of opportunity before you-

The idea is to always pass through

An open door into a world that is new

An open door is a sign, a clue

That you are destined to find success

Venturing beyond an open door spells progress…

**

Doors that are closed, no one talks about

Closed doors signify negativity, no doubt

If a door closes, to encourage you they say

Another door would open on your way

Behind closed doors dark spaces are found

Where immorality and evil lurk around

A closed door is forbidding and cold

Denying you welcome inside its fold

Behind closed doors shameful secrets may lurk

A closed door may be a hindrance to your work…

No one tells you to close doors, do you notice?

Every closed door seems to hide a deep dark abyss..

**

What if I tell you that closing doors

Is as important as opening some more

Sometimes doors just need to be shut

Sometimes ties need to be cut

A door that leads you nowhere should be

Closed behind you silently

A door that has led you to suffering and pain

Should be closed so you can find healing again

Find an open door that leads you

To acceptance, peace and love that is true

Black holes exist, it is true

You feel them, when sadness engulfs you

When profound depression sucks you in

All you can sense is the darkness within

There’s that black hole within your soul

Sucking in your light, swallowing you whole

To the edge of the black hole of depression

You try to swim, but the force of gravitation

Pulls you back in, your escape routes are blocked

Time comes to a standstill, you feel locked

Inside the deepest darkest recess of your mind

It is a black hole, no help you can find…

*

I did escape from that deep dark place

I returned to the present time and space

Therapy dragged me out of the black hole

Filled the massive void in my soul..

There was a latent spark within me

That radiated light for the world to see

(Image: In 2019, the Event Horizon Telescope unveiled an image of the supermassive black hole in the galaxy)