Passion…unbridled

I live in a place with choices abundant…

Such that picking favorite objects seems redundant

Any kind of food, any cuisine that I fancy

I can have, it is readily available to me

From decadent desserts to low sugar substitutes

I can pick healthy food and satisfy my taste buds too

But then there are days when the single brand of cookies that defined

Snacking in my childhood comes to my mind

And the freedom of choice afforded to my palate appears

Quite meaningless, as I hold the memory of that one brand dear

*

There are objects to buy, things that I need everyday

Which one to buy- the plethora of choices blows my mind away

Precious hours I spend in reading reviews online

Still never certain that the product I finally find

Is genuinely the best, or my decision has been swayed

By clever marketing tactics, or complicated games played

By colossal corporations and search engines working in collusion

I don’t know if being a savvy consumer is just an illusion..

*

Then there is this pandemic we are dealing with now

Complaining that quarantine measures do not allow

Us to have unlimited choices in the way we had supposed

Was our fundamental right, we grumble about the restrictions imposed

Yet the choices that we still have today

Are such that they still allow us to get away

With behavior that undermines the greater good

We still do what we like, not what we should..

*

Freedom of choice is a gift, a blessing in many ways

But in excess it becomes counterproductive, I would say

We are spoiled by choices excessive

I think I would like to try to live

With fewer choices- so that I can eliminate

Chaos from my life, live in a more peaceful state..

(I was fascinated by the concept of the Human Library. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia about them: The Human Library is an international organization and movement that first started in Copenhagen, Denmark in 2000. It aims to address people’s prejudices by helping them to talk to those they would not normally meet. The organisation uses a library analogy of lending people rather than books.)*

I lived in my self-made bubble

Stretching it just enough to avoid trouble

I met people like-minded, with similar lives

In my chosen community, I definitely did thrive

When I felt the need to expand my horizons

I would travel (as a tourist) to exotic destinations

Or read a book, or watch a film about a different land

Without making the slightest effort to understand

How others led their lives, because even when I tried

To learn about others, quite frankly, deep inside

I had no intention to connect with them at all-

I had chosen to surround myself with a self-made wall

Of  superiority, privilege, exclusivity, arrogance

Completely oblivious of my obvious ignorance

I had never taken the time to listen to any voice

That did not mirror my own, I realize now that was my choice..

**

The turning point came one day, out of the blue

I stumbled upon the Human Library, a concept new

To me-  living people were the books here

“Reading” to an audience, as  volunteers

From  stigmatized groups- sharing stories

From their lives, their remarkable histories

On hearing my first story I was fascinated

All my preconceived ideas were decimated

I found myself immersed in this person’s narrative

For once I felt empathetic, it was as if I could live 

The narrator’s life vicariously while hearing her talk

It was the first time I had actually tried to walk

In another person’s shoes- I was transformed

My prior view of the world had been myopic and deformed

**

I have continued to read human books since then

But that experience provided me more enlightenment-

Now I make an effort to understand the world around me

To un-judge people, get to the bottom of their story

Many uncomfortable truths the process has revealed

But by learning empathy, my soul I have healed…

 

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Library

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some days my work feels thankless

Despite my best efforts I confess

There are days when nothing goes right

Patients don’t get better despite our efforts to fight

Their disease together, sometimes they’re upset

Then I retrace my steps, sometimes I regret

What I did and what I said

I should have chosen a different course instead

While constantly second-guessing myself teaches me

Such rumination wears me down considerably…

**

Then there are days when out of the blue

A patient or caregiver stops to say thank you

Usually it’s for something I’ve done without giving it much thought

That could be routine practice for me, for the patient it’s not

That silver lining a sense of purpose for me renews

There is so much to gain, even if sometimes I lose

Maybe I’m doing something right after all

I shall continue my efforts, in right places pieces shall fall…

 

A self-confessed control freak am I

Feeling out of control destabilizes me, I will not lie

Just when I thought I had life within my grasp

The virus came to engulf the world in its clasp

And all my sense of control went spiraling down

Suddenly I was surrounded by fear profound…

*

Like everyone else I learned new ways

Of doing things and going about my days

As life settled in a new routine I found

A renewed sense of control to keep anxiety down

*

But the world stood divided, other tensions surfaced

In trying to make sense of the world, my sense of control regressed

This was the first time that crises of such magnitude

Were affecting me personally, shaking me from my lassitude

While solving these problems was beyond me

I could choose to be part of the solution certainly

*

So I pledged to do what was right in the situation

And though my efforts were but a drop in the ocean

It was empowering to know I had control

Over how I chose in this brave new world my role

With social distancing and a mask as my tools in this fight

I carry on with faith that an end is in sight.

This pandemic and lockdowns have created an urge

To explore creative endeavors, and led to a surge

Of people sharing on social media their creations

The latest fad is to share your newfound obsessions

A sudden plethora of videos and stills

Have my social media feeds filled

Bored as I am, now the fear of missing out

Has made its way back in, without doubt…

*

As I look at pictures of baked goods delectable

I wonder for the umpteenth time why I am unable

To even find time to cook three meals a day

Leave alone take beautiful pictures along the way

When I look at videos meant to take fitness to new heights

I wonder why I can only manage exercise in small bytes

When I see people displaying dance moves flawless

I get conscious of my two left feet, I confess

When I see stunning art by non-artists, I am amazed

At their creativity and patience, they deserve much praise…

I have not taken up a new hobby, or any new skills acquired

To do so appears to be a pandemic assignment required…

*

While for my distress the obvious solution

Would be to quarantine from social media in isolation

But since life these days is lived on platforms virtual

Avoiding social media does not appear practical

So the next best thing to lift myself up

Is to count all my blessings, surely they are enough…

In these uncertain times fraught with constant peril

My family and I are thriving, we are healthy still

The pace of my hectic life has slowed down, what I should not do

Is to accelerate it by adding something new

In keeping up with others sometimes we forget

To be kind to ourselves, to remember we are doing our best..

 

 

Judge away for all I care

Judge me here while I declare

As long as my actions do not affect you

Your judging me is a reflection of you

To conform to a stereotype, long I have tried

Portraying myself as someone I was not inside

Yet judgmental remarks never ceased

The more I bent, the more they increased

You’ve called me modern, you’ve called me traditional

I’m sure you can think of adjectives additional

To criticize me as if it were your birthright

Have you considered such comments are impolite?

The clothes I wear, the places to which I go

When I return home, are not your business, so,

Your judgment on those counts is completely wasted on me

I’m not going to modify my behavior, you see

I don’t want to do so, but when you judge me

You give me the right to judge you based on reciprocity

Who knows I might cause skeletons in your closet

To fall out- would that make you upset?

I know you are here to eulogize

Since you are too late to apologize

For all the times you did not hear

His silent pleas for help, that were loud and clear

In retrospect- twenty-twenty is hindsight

You did not realize he was losing the fight

To live- in the midst of unprecedented stress

Of these times, when he spoke of his distress

You tried to dismiss his concerns, steer away

From the topic, saying that times were bad anyway

You did not know that when he agreed with you

He bottled up his sadness, his frustrations too

When he said he was sad, you actually thought

Anecdotes forwarded would cheer him, did you not?

When he talked of endings in roundabout ways

You declared everyone was talking about it these days..

He looked odd on facetime, but you did not know

That depression had made his eyes lose the glow

When he said he was lonely you commiserated

How the quarantine was leaving you exasperated

You completely forgot that such things he had said

Even earlier, before the pandemic spread

Thinking back the signs you clearly see

He just seemed distant, never present fully..

**

You are trying your best to do what you can

No words can bring back to life that man

You thought you could deliver a lasting tribute

To your departed friend, list each positive attribute

But words fail you, barely a word you manage to say

When a deluge of tears comes blocking your way

This time your living friends surround you

You look them in the eye, this you must learn to do

To check on each one, find how they are feeling

Discover if under anxiety and depression they are reeling

You promise you would try to lend a non-judgmental ear

To each and everyone you hold near and dear

You hope, there will be no more eulogies

You hope, there will be no more apologies…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard as it is, I am compelled to say

Everything I had managed to keep hidden to this day

**

Behind a beguiling smile it was much easier to hide

Than to display the tsunami raging inside

Who had the time, who would have understood me

In a world where perception is considered reality..

Benumbed I lumbered from day to day

Existing- ghostlike, not living in any meaningful way..

The world..closing around my throat

Drowning, just drowning in a deep dark moat..

Living in a body that was struggling to survive

With a mind that wanted to stop being alive..

**

The days went on, off my tongue excuses flew

I said I was exhausted, there was too much to do

I stuck to ailments, or ailments stuck to me

Acknowledging physical pain was easier, definitely

Aimless, directionless, hopeless, I drifted further away

Deeper I sank into the black hole of depression each day

**

When life seemed like a burden too heavy to bear

When I was at the point I did not really care

When  jumping off the proverbial cliff appeared

To be the only solution to my pain, destiny interfered….

**

That day I was going to jump off a bridge and die

It was a gloomy day, rain poured from the sky

What rescued me was my lifelong disdain

Of getting drenched in the falling rain-

I took refuge in a church nearby

And decided to pray before I could die

I tried to pray but in my benumbed state

No coherent prayer could my mind formulate

Just then I heard a gentle voice asking me

If I had something to confess- it would unburden me

This was a sign from above, and all of a sudden

A deluge opened up, and out poured the hidden

Feelings of despair, depression, hopelessness

The kind priest listened, and understood my distress

Instead of the bridge, to a hospital I was headed

Despite my depression, this was the one place I dreaded

If people knew I was mentally ill, how would they react

Even in my despair I could not bear the ignominy of that..

Yet I surrendered to the priest who accompanied me

I got treated, got the resources I needed desperately

**

The struggle has not completely gone away

But I am much better than I was, today

One empathetic ear became my lifeline

I consider this intervention divine

Sometimes the difference between 

Life and untimely death could mean

Just one person ready to lend an ear

Someone you can confide in without any fear

**

Today I sit, on the other side

Lending an ear to someone contemplating suicide

I volunteer for a suicide prevention hotline

With this, a purpose I’ve been able to find..

(This poem was prompted by the untimely death by suicide of a young talented Indian actor.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subconsciously I was going through life with blinders on

I am a reasonably good person, sensitive to discrimination, I reckoned

All humans are created equal I believe

I am outraged when discrimination I perceive

I am knowledgeable, having read extensively

About the Civil Rights Movement and Black History

Or, so I would think…

I lived in general oblivion until I was brought to the brink

Of being forced to look at discrimination outrageous

And I realized my mind had been quite impervious

To racial profiling, micro and macro- aggressions

I suddenly become aware of my flawed impressions

You must find it ironic because I happen to be

A woman of color, in a minority

No stranger to micro-aggressions, I was still regrettably

Oblivious to what my fellow human-beings face daily..

 

***

I deeply regret that the eye-opener for me

Had to be events of such magnitude in tragedy

I am saddened by the state of affairs

And now trying my best to be self-aware

Of the subconscious racial biases that pervade

Many interactions around me, and invade

The souls of those who discrimination face

At every step, in twisted, warped ways

They carry their burdens within, they do not need

To bear the burden of creating racial awareness indeed

To support them, we need to rip apart the fabric

Of our social norms- we need changes drastic

Starting from identifying biases we carry within

Bring to surface all assumptions hidden

Then look around with open eyes and an open mind

Prepared to be dumbstruck by what we find……

 

 

Social distancing is taking its toll

On almost everyone, because we all

Are social creatures, we thrive

On interactions with our tribe..

It is much harder for many of us

Who tend to be more gregarious

Then there are some, just like me

Who want to crawl into obscurity

Each time large crowds we have to face

We fiercely guard our personal space…

**

While the reason behind sheltering in place

Is one that none of us would want to face-

I must admit some aspects of quarantine

Quite comfortable for me have been

Cooped up in the shell of my home, I find

Myself more comfortable in body and mind

Attending dinners and social events is not

My cup of tea, I have always fought

The urge to make an excuse and decline

Such invitations- you cannot lure me with free wine

I am  glad these days the pressure to attend

Any events in person is non-existent…

In professional and personal life these days

Grooming and presentation matter in so many ways

Trying to approach perceived standards is hard for me

Meeting on online platforms is, by comparison, easy

Pre-pandemic, I had craved for solitude

Now I am content to stay away from multitudes…

**

In a world that values sociability

I have often felt like an anomaly

But these days it does not hurt

To be less sociable, be an introvert

While many meet on zoom and plan away

I am content in my company all day..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This poem reflects the sentiments of a migrant laborer who is trying to go home amid the lockdown in India.)

I know the world is facing a huge crisis, I understand

I was educated not in a school but on the streets of this land

And on the streets I am left to somehow fend

For myself- I never did intend

To not work- I am the unseen, forgotten laborer

Behind the country’s newly acquired glitter

Now that the sheen has been wiped away

By this coronavirus, I am left to struggle each day

I get it- you cannot build malls and villas right now

But what am I to do when the lockdown does not allow

Earning an honest living in this city that was supposed to be 

A haven for the poor, uneducated migrant workers like me

What am I to do, stranded alone without food, money or work-

I must return to the fields of my village- labor I do not shirk..

For if nothing else, my family is there

Maybe we can stretch the food from that tiny hectare

Of land for all of us- we are resourceful that way

But how do I get there in this lockdown today?

**

We at the bottom of the ladder already view

The world in a fatalistic way- the concepts are not new

Of hunger, disease and death, yet in desperation

Like you- we want to turn to our families for consolation

While people living abroad are brought back in planes

We have no transportation to alleviate our pain

**

I had heard this virus does not discriminate

It has affected the rich, it has affected heads of state

But, like every other calamity that has hit us before

The indigent like us are left shaken to the core

It’s not death that I fear, I think I can face

Death with more equanimity than others in this place

But dying in this city, where I was already trudging half-dead

Is difficult to contemplate- I will go where my life is, instead

I hope against hope a homebound train I shall find

Until then I’ll walk- I have made up my mind

Death is all around, what difference would it make eventually

If I  jump from a frying pan to a fire actually…

 

Image courtesy: https://www.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/covid19-pandemic-3d-india-lockdown-quarantine-1697131006)