Passion…unbridled

There must be something wrong with me

I am probably of selfishness an epitome

Like women all around, able I should be

To put my family’s needs at all times before me

I try hard, but sometimes I need a break

Some time for myself, for sanity’s sake

But the cycle of household chores and raising children

Is never-ending, I procrastinate by telling myself that when

Dinner and homework are done and children asleep

Some dedicated time for self-care I would keep

But workplace tasks that I have left incomplete

Have to be finished first- each day the cycle repeats

And I end up never being able to carve out

Time for self-indulgence, the only thing I can do without

And when once in a blue moon I find

An opportunity for self-care, my pre -conditioned mind

Is ready to admonish me for neglecting my household

My precious children need me more, I have been told

And if I missed a child’s important game just for self-care

Profound guilt would destroy any potential benefit, I’m quite aware

*

There are rare days when I sneak in me- time successfully

Without worrying about my family or feeling guilty

I take those moments as gifts bestowed on me

My family is my priority, to think otherwise

is still a travesty

Someday I resolve to find time adequate

To fulfill my duties, and guilt-free space for myself create….

In trying to analyze stress in my life I happened to find

That a bell-shaped curve represents the effect of stress on the mind

Between eustress (good) and distress (bad) you can see

The optimal level of stress for a life of productivity

I realized this to be true, at least for me

If there is no stress, no reason I see

To do anything at all, to sloth I fall prey

Until boredom sets in, and I get disgruntled day by day

Then that lack of stress morphs eventually

Into a major source of stress for me…

*

Excessive stress is a faithful companion

Accompanies me most places under the sun

Gnaws at precious sleep, leads to a rushed pace

The ill-effects of bad stress I often face

And wonder if stress reduction, however minuscule

Would improve my quality of life, and productivity fuel

*

So I spend my days in perpetual quest

For the optimal quantity of stress

That would give me the boost I need

To be productive without being overwhelmed indeed

Like everything else in life, though

Balance is hard to achieve, and so

The bell curve I visualize every day

And wait for radical change to come my way

This poem is an attempt to give voice to millions grieving this year- where tragedy had struck as a result of the pandemic and other disasters.

Lost in the meandering labyrinth of grief

Trying hard not to lose faith, to restore belief

In life, in luck, in hope that something would be

Back to a semblance, or at least a mirage of normalcy

She tried to get through the blur of days

Sorrow clouded her vision, in a perpetual haze

She took steps, some forward, most sideways

She felt herself floundering in a maze..

Praying, bargaining with God, searching for a sign

To indicate the direction forward, was it part of cosmic design

For her to get lost inexorably in this way

She could not perpetually in this state stay..

Friends and family had expressed condolences and left

She knew there was nothing more from anyone she could expect

She had not expected the grief of her loss to be

So profound, and all-consuming as it was shaping to be..

*

Her child, subdued by the transformation

In his mother, and his home, approached her with hesitation

Despite his young age he had by now realized

His mother was different, he did recognize

That a chasm that did not exist before

Now separated them, its width increasing more..

Yet he tried again, not knowing what to do

Expecting her to ignore him again, too

For the first time, however, she focused her eyes

On her precious child since the tragedy, to his surprise

As the sadness and maturity in his eyes she perceived

The sign she was waiting for, she realized she had received

The purpose in life she was waiting for in suspended animation

Was right before her, that moment marked a transformation

In her state of mind, she stood up, with motivation renewed

Her stance now a sense of purpose did exude

The child realized it too, together they decided

They would be a team, stand before the world united

*

The path through tragedy and grief is different for everyone

Eventually each time human resilience has won

So it was for the mother and son

A new life past their grief had now begun…

( it is solved by walking)

I feel tense, a conundrum I face

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place

I sit in silence, rack my brain for ideas new

The stillness is soporific, all I seem to do

Is to fight drowsiness, my thoughts are unclear

I would never get out of my predicament, I fear

*

I try to jot down known and unknown variables

Try to formulate an equation algebraic that would enable

Me to solve the problem in a manner mathematic

I hope that solution would be the most pragmatic..

When that does not work, a story I try to conjure

To create a novel solution out of parables heard before

Then I try to solve the issue in a graphical format

But keeping track of my thoughts isn’t something I’m good at

The ennui of sitting in one place is overwhelming me

And no coherent solution to my quagmire I can see

*

Thoroughly fed up, I decide to get up and go

For a short walk, to raise my spirits running low

The weather is perfect, crisp is the fall air

I walk briskly, and before I am fully aware

Pieces of the puzzle start falling into place

Each element of my problem seems to find space

Synchronous with my footsteps, in the recesses of my mind

Before the mile is over, my eureka moment I find

The solution to my problem is breathtaking in its simplicity

I wonder why I could not reach this conclusion previously

*

Solvitur ambulando- the phrase worked perfectly for me

Seated in deep thought, no solution I could see

But walking flexed my muscles of thinking

Just as it exercised, more directly, my hamstrings

Now whenever I find myself in a rut stuck

I get up and take a walk- often my luck

Then bestows on my brain a solution workable

Walking outdoors for me better problem-solving thus enables

So you want to be raised a princess?

To be the cynosure of all eyes, no less

To be the one that envy inspires

To be the one little girls aspire

To be- because that is what they are fed

Why don’t you aspire to be a real woman instead?

*

A princess needs help to navigate

Her life’s course, do you want that to be your fate?

Would it not be better to take your destiny

In your hands, shape your life the way you want it to be?

A princess needs twenty mattresses to be comfortable

If you needed comfort always how would you be able

To go on adventures, travel the world wide

How would you ever explore your wild side?

The rules of etiquette by which a princess is bound

Could male you feel stifled when you want to make a sound

And do you really think your life’s primary goal should be

To get wedded to a prince who you charm with your beauty?

Or would you want to choose a life partner who

Treats you as an equal, respects every aspect of you

The sense of entitlement that is taken as a birthright by a princess-

Would that be important or would you want to impress

People by your actions and not your birth

You may decide what determines your worth

*

I hope you find role models in strong women

Who live life on their terms, who do not depend on men

They are very different from princesses, I daresay

I hope you emulate their chutzpah everyday..

Where are my frozen dreams, locked away

In the frigid recesses behind my eyes they stay

Dormant, immobile, in perpetual hibernation

Waiting for the much desired stimulation

To spring up alive and get me galvanized

Into action, such that my dreams materialize

Into achievements concrete, that potential contain

To make positive changes in the world, and let me dream again

Dreams more audacious, ambitious, and dynamic too

Wild but laden with hopes of coming true..

*

My dreams, however, hidden remain

Buried deep so that they do not cause pain

I keep hoping that someday my efforts would coalesce

To awaken a cherished dream and bring it to the surface

Where I can proudly declare that dreams do

Against all odds, despite obstacles, come true

I live in perpetual optimism for my dreams

That they shall be realized, impossible though it seems

In trying to keep work and home in order

In crossing t’s and dotting i’s, I did not bother

To see how my child felt, until one day

I realized he was upset, and to my dismay

Distant he seemed, not willing to talk to me

I would either interrupt him or be interrupted repeatedly-

Or so he thought, and with a jolt I realized

As painful as it was, I should not have been surprised

In our lives full of work, school, sports activities and more

We go from one commitment to another, never keeping score

Of time spent with distractions none

That seems to happen only on rare occasions

In trying to multitask my way through busy days

In trying to be attentive to tasks and adults in myriad ways

The one person I forget to prioritize in my attention

Is my precious child, to whom I forget to listen

As a wake-up call I realized that I tune him out

Ask him to rush his narrative, interrupt him often, without a doubt

*

My son, here is my sincere apology to you,

I am guilty as charged; you must feel listened to

I resolve to listen to what you have to say

Without interruption, even if time is short that day

No matter what I can or cannot provide for you

My ears should always be ready for you..

Frazzled is the word that most accurately

Defines me at home most days, unfortunately

All the focus that into my work I channel

Once I reach home, simply starts to unravel

Demands of housework, never-ending series of chores

My child asking for help with school projects and more

Dinner and clean-up, bedtime stories all vie

For my limited time and attention, I would not lie

That I often feel overwhelmed and annoyed

When I feel that way, any serious discussion I avoid

Too little time for all that I have to do

Starts affecting my sanity too

*

To the evening mayhem before I return

I try to center myself so that I do not burn

Myself out trying to work at a frantic pace

I give myself some time and space

All alone, before my car I exit

Think and reflect, the urge I resist

To dash out of the car and straight inside

Most days I accomplish it, I say that with pride

Taking a few minutes to simply idle away

Is my meditation, that I practice day after day

When I see my family, less frazzled I feel

With simultaneous stressors, much better I feel

Google did its annual trend reveal

In 2021 people searched for “how to heal”

More than anything else because

The pandemic ravaged without a pause

Discouraged, exhausted, hopeless often

Sometimes in body, sometimes in spirit broken

We grasped on to wispy straws of hope

We looked for rays of positivity to help us cope

In yet another unpredictable year

Where hope stayed in a constant battle with fear..

*

The world is an interconnected place

We all are hurting, all of us have faced

Devastation unleashed by the pandemic in some way

We need to heal together, we need it today

I hope in lending each other a helping hand

We find redemption- we help each other stand

Someone composed a song, and I happened to listen

To that song at a moment in time chosen

By fate such that my melancholic disposition that day

Resonated perfectly with the timber of the song in every way

The lyrics, the music, the haunting melodious voice

Struck a chord deep, leaving my eyes moist

Soul-stirring is how I would describe the effect

The song had on me, I did not expect

That a work of art could leave me spellbound

It was a transcendental experience profound

Since then many times I have heard the song

Without knowing how to sing, I can still sing along

Each time it is a salve for my hurting soul

Each time it makes my broken spirit whole

*

One day I found to my dismay

That despite the accolades that had come his way

The songwriter /composer had lived a life of penury nonetheless

Faced financial hardships throughout and died penniless..

His artist’s soul did not know how to sell

His art to put food on the table, therefore he fell..

*

How do you attach a value to such art?

For me it was priceless, it warmed my despondent heart

His songs stirred millions of souls everywhere

That he lived in poverty was outrageously unfair

True art is precious, to be celebrated

Gifted artists need to be venerated

And recognized for the value they bring

To the world- because a beautiful thing

Remains a joy forever, we know

Let artists thrive, let their art grow..

There are times when work overwhelming appears

My patients are sick, and I constantly fear

That in taking care of patients too many with complex conditions

I would miss something crucial, fail to pay attention

When my bandwidth is stretched in every direction

My brain hardwired by training to strive for perfection

Can function no longer at the level highest

I try not to lower standards but despite attempts best

To aim for perfection in every facet of the work I do

I inadvertently overlook a few things, it’s true..

*

Sometimes that inattentive moment

Comes back to bite me, and torment

The perfectionist in me, I deepen my resolve

To pay more attention each time, I want to evolve

In to a person capable of aiming for the bull’s eye

Ignoring the noise around me such that I

Can focus on one task after another in a way

That I give my best to each patient, each day

I want to not let the sum of complexities daunt me

I want to break every problem into its components, simply

*

We are life-long learners, in medicine especially so

We strive for perfection, we strive to grow

The stakes are much higher when with life and death we deal

So we judge ourselves harshly, discouraged we feel

When we cannot meet our own expectations

For me, this is the best and the worst part of our profession

You love your children, you don’t want to deny

Anything they desire, you have the means, so why

Should you not fulfill every demand of theirs

They must know they are loved, their parents care

For their well-being, for their happiness

You want the moon and stars for them, no less

You explain that their demands are not unreasonable

You rationalize their wants as needs whenever you are able

You are selfless parents, willing to give up at once

Your own needs to satisfy the wants of your little ones

**

Your child is now an adult, fully grown

Who needs to navigate the world on his own

Unfortunately he has grown up without having learnt

That “no” is a complete answer, he has now been burnt

By facing rejection for the first time that he can recall

He feels devastated, not knowing this is universal after all

Most people you meet are not going to do what you say

No one in this world, all the time, gets his way..

You try to explain to him that this is the way

The world works, but he fees despondent anyway

**

You look back at your parenting style and wonder

If fulfilling every demand of your child was a blunder

Sooner or later each one of us has to hear a “No”

For an answer, we just have to forego

That person, or thing, or opportunity

Understanding this is a key to being happy

To say no sometimes as parents is important to learn

The temporary disappointment may pay off in the long run..