Passion…unbridled

Many people write books, and excellent ones too

Being an avid reader, writing a book is what I want to do

But as soon as I say it out loud, I am plagued with self-doubt

What can I say that has not already been said, what can I write about?

And even if I were to accomplish the monumental task

Of writing a book, who would publish it, who could I ask

To read my manuscript and an honest opinion give

If I fall short of my expectations, with perpetual disappointment I would live

*

That writers are a special breed is what I had always thought

But seeing people around me write books has brought

Me to the realization that perhaps it is possible for me as well

But each time I contemplate it, I start to dwell

On the imposter syndrome that becomes quite prominent

Whenever to be a published author I express my intent

*

A course or even a class in writing I have not taken

I would need to learn writing formally, if I’m not mistaken

Before I can write something that is publishable

But given the constraints on my time I am unable

To participate in a program meant for those who aspire to write

I am trying to see if there is another path towards writing that is right..

*

So many half-baked thoughts, so many fragmented aspirations

Embedded in my writing, hope they would find consummation

In books that my future self would complete

I continue to hope that I shall accomplish that feat..

Today I learnt something by watching my son

Who practiced repeatedly his music lesson

Until he got the notes and pitch right

Playing an instrument is not his forte, he had to fight

His lack of interest in playing, and his limited ability

To complete the assignment satisfactorily

Granted, he was driven by the desire to get a high grade

But through multiple subpar attempts, his determination did not fade

It took him hours to complete this assignment

He ended with the heady feeling of accomplishment

*

His perseverance contrasts sharply with lack of mine

I give up more easily if something challenging I find

Since academic excellence as a child seemed easy to achieve

Somehow I erroneously came to believe

That if I could not do something well immediately

I was not smart enough to do it, that activity was not for me

*

Now I realize how nearly all my life I have been

Giving up on learning new skills, imagining roadblocks unseen

As I applaud the perseverance of my son

I am also trying to imbibe a new lesson

There is a monotony that has set in

My creative endeavors, I want to give a new spin

To my projects, try out a medium new

But I am afraid of the unfamiliar too

What if I mess up, what if I cannot complete

A novel undertaking, would it defeat

The purpose of me dabbling in something different

When my time could have been in a tried and tested art form spent..

*

But monotony stifles creativity, I know

Therefore boldly towards a new form of creative expression I go

The brushstrokes are new, the process intimidating appears

I make mistakes, but complete the project despite my fears

The exercise has opened wide the doors

To a new art form and I can continue to explore

*

The veil of monotony has been lifted

With a fresh perspective I’ve been gifted

I decide not to stay confined

To one form of creative expression but find

Different ways to engage my artistic side

And open the gates of creativity more wide

In preceding millennia millions used to be displaced

By wars, natural disasters, pestilences that they faced

After the world wars we seemed to have achieved

A semblance of balance, we came to believe

That mass displacements would not happen any more

Society was more stable than ever before

*

The illusion lasted for a few decades

For the most part, people safely stayed

In their homes, though some were forced to flee

Their homelands due to political and economic instability

Natural disasters seemed manageable

Overall the world just seemed more stable

*

In the past few years that semblance of stability

Has been lost, despite enhanced scientific capabilities

Unpredictable severe weather events are increasingly disruptive

To daily lives, often highly destructive

To lives and property, leading to an increasing number of people being displaced

Our problems are worse than those we have previously faced

*

Torrential floods, hurricanes, earthquakes and wildfires

Grave are the consequences of our planet’s ire

We have to pause using the earth’s resources indiscriminately

The planet has been making it clear to us lately

Going to the doctor sometimes appears to be

The adult version of being called to the principal’s office to me

My heart is pounding because I do not know

What to expect, what my vitals would show

Just as being called to the principal’s office could mean

Recognition, reprimand, or anything in between

For a progress report from my doctor I wait

Not knowing exactly what to anticipate..

*

Some people find their work performance review

To be similar to being in the school principal’s office too

I can fortunately say work performance does not

Provoke anxiety in my mind a lot

Because I know how I am doing at work already

The performance review is not an unknown quantity

But at the doctor’s office, there is an unpredictability in the verdict

My tests can get worse even when I’ve been sticking to a regimen strict

*

I breathe a sigh of relief when things turn out

In the acceptable range, the cloud of doubt

Is lifted, more lightly I can now tread

Just like I would if the principal had words of encouragement said…

“Think you I bear the shears of destiny? Have I commandment on the pulse of life?”

– William Shakespeare, King John (1623)

This poem describes someone with a left ventricular assist device/VAD, which is a surgically implanted heart pump used for patience with Advanced heart failure. The pump sucks and blood from the heart and sensor to the rest of the body continuously, and therefore most of these patients do not have a pulse. However, they feel much better and can function like a normal human being as long as they are connected to external sources of power.

I stand before you, alive and well

That I have no pulse, you could never tell

Unless you placed your finger to feel

Where my pulse should be, let me reveal

The secret behind this radiant complexion of mine

This pulselessness has my life redefined..

*

I had heart failure that was taking every moment of every day

Quite literally, my struggling breath away

My heart beat irregularly, over me loomed the threat

Of impending doom, my body was flirting with death

I had a pulse then, but it did not amount to much

After endless healthcare visits, I received the healing touch

Of a left ventricular assist device, and paradoxically

It took away my pulse as it gave my life back to me..

*

The machine lets the blood course efficiently

Through every part of my body, continuously

My heart does not beat the way yours would do

But I have undergone revival as a person new

My hopes and desires, once dashed to the ground

Are resurfacing as I reflect on my life with gratitude profound

*

A new lease on life, reimagined, with a VAD

Being alive and kicking, without a pulse, ain’t bad!

I always thought being self-aware was desirable

It would help me conduct myself well in the society, stay out of trouble

Be morally and socially conscious in my dealings

Prevent me from inadvertently hurting anyone’s feelings..

*

But being self-aware constantly does mean

That hyper-focused on myself I’ve been

My inner critic has been in overdrive

The constant self-monitoring has not helped me thrive

*

I need to shift the focus away from me

Towards other people and causes worthy

Instead of subjecting myself to exhaustive scrutiny

I should observe the world more mindfully

My attention is limited, and I squander it away

When I stay focused on myself, and attention to others I do not pay

If I refrain from that, perhaps I would find

A deeper satisfaction within my soul and mind

Waking up to a world blanketed in white

A snow-covered landscape is a gorgeous sight

A fairly rare occurrence in the Southern States

Everything looks glorious but danger awaits

The moment you start driving on icy streets

Inadequately treated- not sliding on them is a major feat

*

The city has shut down, during the pandemic we did learn

That working from home was an acceptable way to earn

A living- therefore on a snow day

People in the comfort of their homes click away

I thank those who have stayed off the roads, so that essential workers like me

Can take time and chances on the roads more easily

*

I drive through the slippery roads cautiously

As I pull into the hospital parking lot, I claim victory

Once deeply ensconced inside I pause to peer our of my office window

To admire the dramatic landscape outlined in snow..

*

Snow is a rare guest where I live

Each time it snows, an opportunity it gives

For us to experience beauty profound

As well as a challenge when we move around

Having said that, now I’ve seen enough snow for this year

I’m ready for warmth, for the snow to disappear

Sometimes it’s instructive to read what I’ve written before

I get insight into my current situation some more

There are common threads that run through

my past and my present

That get incorporated in my writings to some extent

When I re-read my writing, I am able to compare

The two situations, become more self-aware

Of whether I’ve learnt anything from a past experience (or not)

Reflecting on past writing gives me food for thought

*

Towards the same themes I seem to gravitate

On unresolved issues, I tend to cogitate

I distill my emotions into verses to which I can return

When faced with a predicament, and some lessons learn..

Commonsense dictates that when you build a business

You cater to as large a population as you can, to achieve success

Thus most industries cater to people who stay

Around the mean, give or take two standard deviations each way

Unfortunately the outliers are left with choices few

With stuff meant for the average folks, they have to make do

Or spend time, effort and money to find stuff that is customized

For their unique circumstance, situation or size…

*

I am an outlier in the height department, being quite petite

Finding apparel that fits me off the rack is a feat

Mirrors and shelves are sometimes placed

At a height where difficulty reaching them I face

When treating patients in a multidisciplinary team

I need a step-stool so the patient’s position too high does not seem..

The gist of this is that I know what it means

To be outside the bell-shaped graph of the mean..

*

From a business perspective I can see

How it is not profitable to focus on outliers, but it would be

A more just world order if those who lie

On the fringes are able to buy

Stuff that caters to their needs, at the same price

Being outside the averages is not a vice..

*

I applaud all entrepreneurs and innovators who bring products designed

Into the market, keeping outliers in mind

There are many of them out there, they want options too

They would be the most satisfied customers leaving glowing reviews!

I wish I could change my chronotype

And learn to wake up early, given the hype

That rising early in the morning seems to receive

Success comes to those who get up early, it is believed..

*

The merit in rising early I realize

Going to bed early and waking up early seems wise

But in the modern world much work is done

In the evenings, after setting of the sun

Most social events are scheduled late

And the one who sleeps early cannot participate

If work involves networking this would be

A disadvantage to the one who rises early..

*

I can wake up early but in those hours of the day

Inspiration never seems to strike me anyway

I can read and not retain much of what I’ve read

My creative juices flow best in the hours before bed

If I wake up early, I need to have a goal in mind

Otherwise I waste more time, I find

*

I don’t know if getting up early would lead me

To greater success or not, but perhaps I could be

More relaxed and have a better metabolic profile

To do so would require a radical change in my lifestyle

I still wonder if my productivity would decline-

In conclusion, let me forget about being up early, I’m just fine!

I daydream for hours, in the futile hope that I would find

An idea that would in a Eureka moment come to my mind

An idea so compelling that it would motivate me to write

An entire manuscript without having to fight

The writer’s block which has thwarted my progress in the past

In its absence my motivation to complete my work would last

*

Ideas float through my mind but do not take hold

In my imagination, they are not substantial enough to unfold

Into stories that I would be able to tell

I need an idea that casts on me a spell

So profound that under its influence I have no choice

But to write, to give the idea my own voice

*

This is how my daydreams culminate

Not in a story but in a verse where I let my yearning dissipate..