Passion…unbridled

I know this is not the first time I’m talking about this, but ever since Covid hit, I find myself anxious whenever I read about Covid surges, wars, climate disasters or basically anything that can upend the order in my life. As a child, being up to date on current affairs was considered a mark of intelligence (also meant you were being productive reading newspapers and watching news in your spare time), so I have always strived to keep myself well-informed…Except that these days there is information overload, and inadvertently half of the information comes from highly sensationalized, and polarized sources, which tends to evoke stronger emotions. Now limiting news consumption is suggested as a strategy for stress management indeed..

I have a troubling confession to make

There is this sense of unease hard to shake

When news I consume from sources varied

My anxiety goes up a few notches indeed..

*

Under a rock it is impossible to stay

When you have been hardwired to pay

Close attention to current events

Even when you try to limit the extent

Of exposure to media, you still hear

The most negative news loud and clear..

There’s a lot going on in the world that isn’t right

The worst of it unfortunately steals the limelight

Of course there are positive developments in the world too

But they don’t invoke the same emotion as negative ones do

*

Coming back to my lament, each time I hear

About COVID, climate change, wars, healthcare etc. my fear

Of loss of control tends to have a resurgence

And despite having feelings of anxiety intense

I have an inexplicable urge to consume

More negative news, my mind seems to assume

That imbibing more knowledge would be

Somehow a good thing for me..

My mind has been conditioned from childhood

That learning more about a problem is good

Because that is the first step to finding a solution

It does not understand what this profusion

Of negativity does to my emotional state

The less I know, the more I can separate

Myself from its negative effects, the converse is also true

Therefore limiting consumption of news is what I should do….

*

If I am not well-verses in current affairs, let me be

Sometimes ignorance is a good place to be

In my prayers I have asked for a lot over the years

Many things that I asked for now frivolous appear

Going forward, the one thing for which I shall pray

Is clarity of thought to come my way

Confusion, indecisiveness, lack of confidence

Have dominated me so far with their presence

Swinging me in different directions constantly

But I just want to move forward with clarity..

*

To have a clear vision, to be able to ignore

The voices all around that confuse me more

To weed through the superfluous stuff to see

The bottomline, and to use it to advance purposefully…

To not be distracted by the many things that compete

For my attention, to be able to confidently delete

From my mind information that is meaningless

Such that the important facts I am able to process..

*

To every distraction in life attention I used to pay

That would unnecessarily burden my mind; now I pray

To gain focus, such that my mind can see

The bull’s eye, and nothing else in its vicinity.

One day you shall find yourself on the other side of grief

And then you shall take a deep breath of relief

The darkness of grief shall be dispelled to illuminate

A new path that healing from grief would create..

*

Right now your grief is an open sore

But it shall close, not hurt intensely any more

Leave behind a scar that might throb intermittently

As a poignant reminder of your painful journey

*

When the embers of your burning grief extinguish

The vice-grip over you, your grief shall relinquish

On the ashes of your grief you shall build

A stronger future for yourself, one that is filled

With hope for better things to come your way

From the dark night of grief, you shall wake up to a bright day

Stealthily, almost imperceptibly, quite unfortunately

Age has now begun to afflict my memory

I am still highly functional but often find

Things I was sure I’d remember slipping out of my mind

If a good night’s sleep I haven’t had

My recall appears to be especially bad

When I have to study for a test I can see

The unmistakable effects of declining memory…

*

A part of me rises in revolt at the thought

Of growing older, though increasingly I’m brought

To this realization- especially when the new mantra seems to be

(Especially for women) that forty is the new twenty

*

In trying to ignore the effects of old age, I resist

Writing things down, making lists etc.- I insist

On relying on my memory unreliable

The effects are often quite undesirable..

*

To think about failing memory depresses me

Therefore the brighter side of aging I need to see

As I have grown the accumulated experience

Aids me in my work in ways immense

The framework upon which I operate

Is stronger than it was, as a conservative estimate

I am one and a half times as productive

As I was ten years ago, with much more to give

To my family, my profession, and the community

So it matters less if I don’t have a sharp memory…

*

Let me make some lists before I forget

And my overconfidence I come to regret

She was going through a patch that was rough

When being alone with her feelings was tough

She stumbled upon writing, by serendipity

Because that was the only outlet she could see

To help her process the maelstrom of emotions

Who knew it would set forth into motion

Something much greater than she had not

Imagined in her most outrageous thoughts..

*

Writing from a third person perspective

She began to add fiction to her narrative

Eventually her writing could barely be traced

To her life, it was then that she embraced

Social media sites to showcase her art

To the world, it was a rather slow start

Until an emotionally charged piece viral became

And let to a stratospheric ascent of her fame

From a diarist to a published author, her journey

In its fairytale quality became aspirational for many

A whirlwind of book tours, interviews, lectures followed

She was well-loved, her passion for her work clearly showed

*

From a quiet introvert to a public face

Her writing had to alter to keep pace

Her unfiltered emotions could no longer be

Committed to paper unfortunately

On controversial topics she could not appear

To take an extreme stance for the fear

Of fomenting discord, therefore gradually

Her tone got watered down considerably

*

As her writing started towing the middle line

It lost its luster, the intensity that had defined

Her voice diminished, her book sales dwindled as well

Writing was no longer satisfying, she herself could tell

Eventually a review on the internet tore her down

More criticism followed, in a sea of cancellation her voice drowned

She retreated to her journal, her safe haven indeed

To broadcast her writing to the world, she did not need

*

An authentic voice is hard to find

But the prevalent cancel culture is not kind

To authenticity because someone can take offense

With what is said, lead to backlash intense

Cancel cultures drowns authentic voices out

Fresh talent the world is left without..

Where are you seeking joy today?

*

I hope you find joy in your morning run

In the vivid hues of the rising sun

In the aroma of fresh coffee

In humming a memorable melody

In breathing the cool morning air

In experiencing the moment, in being aware..

*

I hope you find joy throughout

The day, as you go about

Your seemingly mundane work day

By connecting with people in a meaningful way

*

I hope your evening commute you enjoy

As some relaxation techniques you employ

So that you reach home leaving stress behind

I hope time spent with your family fills your mind

With joy that is deeply satisfying, that nourishes you

Joy that spreads to the rest of your family too..

*

I want you to find joy, except in one place-

I don’t want you to seek validation as you face

A screen with some social media site on display

That hedonistic pleasure does not equate joy in any way

Growing up, I learnt it was essential to excel

In science and mathematics, to understand well

How the universe worked, how scientific principles

Could be used to decode complex phenomena in ways simple

So I studied hard, committing to memory

Scientific facts and equations that important seemed to be

There seemed to be no room for creative thought

Science was tangible and exact, vague it was not

*

A different direction my rebel mind wanted to take

I wanted to indulge in art, I wanted to break

The paradigm of science being at the helm of scholarly activity

With a creative and artistic eye the universe I wanted to see

But science was my future, art a pastime alone

Therefore all my artistic ideas got thrown

Out of the window as I continued to make progress

In learning science, it did become my key to professional success

*

Now that I am older and have a career based on science

I have begun to indulge my old ideas of defiance

I seek to consume and create art (albeit I have limited ability)

It helps me make sense of humankind, its emotional vulnerability

*

I think scientists use creativity too

To explain natural phenomena, invent things new

With a clever amalgamation of science and art

Clearly the two are not that far apart..

*

Through the principles of science, the world you come to understand

But to experience the world through your senses, you need a hand

Extended to you by art of some kind

Art creates a bridge between the heart and the mind

Someone’s words made me angry, inside I seethed

Until I realized I was the only one suffering indeed

If the idea behind those words was to elicit a reaction

It had met its mark, and that person had won

*

Next time it happened I decided to maintain

A calm demeanor, I did not try to explain

Or defend my position, I just did not react

I remained quiet and expressionless in fact

*

It took all my will power to not react

But at least my sanity stayed intact

I was able to avoid stress hormone release

This time my mind stayed more at peace

*

Unkind words, I realize, can only hurt

If I give them the power to do so, I can avert

Getting angry by withholding my reaction

Staying stoic can be the best mode of action..

*

By getting upset, I had enabled someone

To exercise power over me, when they should’ve had none

Without my reaction, those words were wasted on me

In the days to come, I would hear similar words much less frequently

*

Life is short, and I don’t need it to be spent

Angry or revengeful , that’s not my intent

A few years ago if you had told me

That I was a stereotypical example of my community

In disbelief I would have shaken my head

“Absolutely not,” is what I would have vehemently said

I had thought I was different, I could not fully integrate

In my community, therefore I could not in my estimate

Be a stereotype of someone from my community

The idea was just preposterous to me

I also believed, in my youthful audacity

That I could shape myself into anyone I wanted to be

*

Over the years I’ve been trying to figure out

How others view me, and without a doubt

Even if I am perceived as different within my community

I conform to a stereotype when outsiders see me

I came to realize how the best and the worst

Of my community I had imbibed, this realization at first

Left my ego deflated, because I had thought

I was unique, that I was someone I really was not..

*

To be a stereotype has a connotation negative

But your community imparts values with which you live

The values and ideas that members of your community share

Are built on a common history, of which you may be unaware

Who cares if people stereotype you

You know you stereotype other people too..

By achieving success by traditional measures

You would be able to lead a life of pleasure

Your problems would then be solved

Into a self-actualized human you would evolve

*

You take this as gospel truth, you live

By this principle, your entire focus you give

To a relentless pursuit of “achievement”

To be successful becomes your only intent

Once you reach your final destination of success

You would achieve lasting stability, peace and happiness..

*

Failure is not an option when the American dream is alive

Success is the goal whether or not you thrive

In the process of running after it blindly

If you’re not successful, how can you be happy…

*

Your perseverance leads to success and you find

The happiness that as success was defined

Is far from your reach- the worst part

Is that you cannot share with anyone what is in your heart

Because to expose your vulnerability is to be perceived

As weak and unsuccessful- that is the pervasive belief

In the community that has built itself on the premise

That professional success in this country equates with bliss..

*

I am an immigrant from India, and I, too,

Had subscribed to this narrow point of view

But as I raise my child, I am learning anew

The harm that pressure to achieve can do

It is hard, especially when your cultural identity

Hinges on professional success largely..

But I am committed to my child’s happiness

In the long run, not just professional success

So many times as a child she had heard

That she was speaking out of turn, but it never occurred

To her that this reprimand was more than a slap on the wrist

She felt guilty that she was unable to resist

Chiming in with her opinions that happened to be

Rather too liberal to go down well in a society

Struggling to discard the mentality deeply ingrained

Of exercising control over women, keeping their speech in chains…

*

The hierarchy of power in a household outwardly harmonious

Was subtle, but strong, one step erroneous

Could upend the existing order, this she knew

But did not realize speaking out of turn was an infraction too..

*

As she grew up she found herself increasingly

In situations where assertive she had to be

Her opinions she needed to articulate

With confidence, she needed to be able to state

Her reasoning, and defend it, but this she found

Extremely challenging, she suffered from self-doubt profound

She questioned herself if what she was about to say

Was spoken out of turn, or offensive to someone in some way..

Unfortunately as time went by she started to believe

That this was a character flaw, this is how herself she would perceive

*

Years later, while reading a book she realized with a start

That those childhood admonishments had played a huge part

In making her afraid of expressing herself freely

The subtle control exercised over her had damaged her psyche

At the same time she realized those chains were now broken

She had to detach herself from her childhood to become more outspoken..

*

She found her voice, and it continues to be

Strong, original, imbued in authenticity

(Especially during holidays when you do not celebrate them the way other people do…)

When you do things differently and do not conform

To cultural practices around you, do not follow the norm

Sometimes it becomes quite difficult to participate

In casual conversation, it is difficult to communicate

You do not want to become a social outcast, of course

Therefore, unwillingly yourself you force

And pretend with a fake smile that you follow

The usual customs, you let the conversation flow..

*

You feel guilty, it’s not like you’re doing something wrong

It is expected but not mandatory to follow along

With the cultural norms, it’s not a crime to be different

But unfortunately the herd tends to be insistent

On following its mentality, or endless criticism you face

You want to be yourself, but retain your place

In the society, to be outcast is sad indeed

To be detached from your community is not what you need

Despite your guilt you disregard your conscience

And fib a little, to keep up the pretense