Passion…unbridled

I search for time, in doses small

The last time I wasn’t rushed, I can’t recall

I want to simply stare out of the window

Daydream, think, let the moment flow

Without being filled by a productive task

If only I could in the glory of leisure time bask..

Maybe I could some inspiration find

Finally satisfy that craving in my mind

To create my masterpiece in art

In reality I’ve not even been able to start

Any creative project because I lack

The time it needs to get on track

*

I find free minutes here and there

Then, before I’m fully aware

Something comes up to fill

That aliquot of time, and despite my will

To savor that time doing nothing at all

Into the vicious trap of productivity I fall

I tell myself that I would be free

Once the task is completed satisfactorily..

*

Thus free time remains a dream that seldom sees the light of the day

I keep working harder, and time just flies away

People might try to make you feel

Inadequate, not good enough, try to steal

The limelight from you, downplay

Your achievements, take away

The credit from you- make every effort to find

A chink in your armor, play games with your mind

Until your strong nerves start to fray

Your confidence starts ebbing away..

*

As a woman accomplished and independent

You are likely to face this predicament

You have nerves of steel, you think

Yet you might be brought to the brink

Of doubting yourself because you’ve been

Subjected to gaslighting in ways both obvious and unseen

You start wondering something is wrong with you

What you thought were your strengths appear weaknesses too..

*

You are a strong woman and you should not be

Affected by criticism of your work that easily

By the time your realize the other person’s intent

The damage has been done to a great extent

It had started with comments innocuous

Laced with slight insults, nothing worth making a fuss

You did not realize what was going on there

Until the situation seemed beyond repair

*

As a woman, you have to keep your cup

Full to the brim, find those who build you up

Let no one steal the thunder from you

You are in control, and that is true

Many assumptions I have made

About myself, I realize they have played

A major role in how myself I see

There are opportunities I disregard freely

Because I am “not that kind of a person”

Many activities are just not for someone

Like me- I am too ordinary, too cautious, too busy

Too short, too unfit, too unskilled or just lazy

So I end up saying no to many challenges new

Getting out of my comfort zone isn’t something I do

Just because they do not fit the image in my mind

Of who I am, or are not with my preconceived interests aligned

*

You should not put people in boxes, I believe

But placing myself in a box is something I seem to perceive

As a perfectly acceptable thing to do

I have stereotyped myself, it’s true

I am in chains that I myself have made

Through uncharted waters I need to wade

In order to see meaningful progress

Who knows which opportunity would lead to success?

I am supposed to think, and process complex thoughts

I tend to spend my time thinking a lot

I weigh the pros and cons of every issue at hand

I try to ensure that I completely understand

The situation before performing an action deliberate

For most decisions I’ve had time to pre-meditate

If I seem to come to a conclusion quickly

It’s because my experience has helped me

Arrive at that point, not because I’m in a hurry

If I don’t think through things, I’d make mistakes, I worry

*

As I grow older and acquire some worldly experience

(Including a pandemic that brought changes intense)

I realize I tend to overthink frequently

It’s not meticulousness but anxiety evidently

I suspect from a platform of fear I operate

I think if unknown variables I eliminate

From a situation by examining it as a whole

I would be able to maintain control..

But no amount of overthinking can

Predict a curveball, a black swan event

Sometimes overthinking and over-rationalization

Can also lead me towards an erroneous decision..

*

Maybe I should not always think as much as I do

Go with my gut feeling, listen to intuition too

Not everything in life follows rules defined

Therefor rather than overburden my mind

I have consciously decided to not think a lot

Go with the flow, pair intuition with my thoughts..

Everyone talks about open doors

Everyone tells you to open doors

With your astuteness and perseverance

Or to take advantage of the presence

Of an open door of opportunity before you-

The idea is to always pass through

An open door into a world that is new

An open door is a sign, a clue

That you are destined to find success

Venturing beyond an open door spells progress…

**

Doors that are closed, no one talks about

Closed doors signify negativity, no doubt

If a door closes, to encourage you they say

Another door would open on your way

Behind closed doors dark spaces are found

Where immorality and evil lurk around

A closed door is forbidding and cold

Denying you welcome inside its fold

Behind closed doors shameful secrets may lurk

A closed door may be a hindrance to your work…

No one tells you to close doors, do you notice?

Every closed door seems to hide a deep dark abyss..

**

What if I tell you that closing doors

Is as important as opening some more

Sometimes doors just need to be shut

Sometimes ties need to be cut

A door that leads you nowhere should be

Closed behind you silently

A door that has led you to suffering and pain

Should be closed so you can find healing again

Find an open door that leads you

To acceptance, peace and love that is true

Black holes exist, it is true

You feel them, when sadness engulfs you

When profound depression sucks you in

All you can sense is the darkness within

There’s that black hole within your soul

Sucking in your light, swallowing you whole

To the edge of the black hole of depression

You try to swim, but the force of gravitation

Pulls you back in, your escape routes are blocked

Time comes to a standstill, you feel locked

Inside the deepest darkest recess of your mind

It is a black hole, no help you can find…

*

I did escape from that deep dark place

I returned to the present time and space

Therapy dragged me out of the black hole

Filled the massive void in my soul..

There was a latent spark within me

That radiated light for the world to see

(Image: In 2019, the Event Horizon Telescope unveiled an image of the supermassive black hole in the galaxy)

“I am sorry”- sometimes the words ring hollow

Insincere is the apology, you think you know

The act shall be repeated in the future, soon maybe

You’ve made yourself believe that is a certainty

You withhold your forgiveness for another day

You are unconvinced of the sincerity anyway

*

You remember you have been on the other side too

Fervently apologizing, hoping your words sound as true

As they are, yet the person you are saying sorry to

Is finding it hard to trust and forgive you

You truly feel sorry, sincerity you try to show

That you are willing to change, you want them to know..

*

Apologies are given and received based on trust

Before you forgive someone, believe them you must

We are all human, we all make mistakes

It’s hard to know for certain if an apology is fake

We want to be believed when we apologize

To extend the same grace to others would be wise..

Tradition is a two-edged sword

On the one hand, it is the cord

That connects us with our progenitors

We build on their experiences, for better or worse

We honor our ancestors’ aspirations

When we follow our traditions

In touch with our unique cultures we stay

As the world becomes more homogeneous every day…

*

On the other hand, being rooted in tradition

May lead to undesirable propagation

Of practices archaic that should not have a place

In the modern world where the challenges that we face

Are different from those faced by our ancestors-

Following blind tradition progress hampers

Worse still, it can be used as an excuse

To mask injustice, perpetuate biased views..

*

The nuances of different traditions are fine

In following traditions, we walk a thin line

Between what in the contemporary setting is relevant

And what with current social norms is incongruent

Thus, I try to follow traditions, but not blindly

I am rooted in the past, to the future I see

Can I ignore that pesky voice?

It’s berating me for my current choice

Annoying me, making me think twice

Telling me my decision is unwise..

At my best, I am indecisive

Constantly in self-doubt I live

But when I have reached a decision

After hours of exhausting deliberation

To change it I feel a reluctance profound

Therefore I try to ignore the sound

Of intuition, that at the last moment

Makes me doubt my original intent

But then… ignoring your sixth sense is unwise

Danger is sensed before being seen by the eyes..

*

I have paid attention and I have ignored

The voice of intuition many times before

That nagging feeling of something not being right

Is almost never wrong, though the urge I fight

To listen to it, and my decision revise..

In the end, I listen to it, hoping this decision is wise..

Is it possible for me just to be?

To do what I am doing, from expectations free

To savor life’s moments as an observer passive

Not try to change them, just breathe and live…

*

No, I am not trying to be a robot or a machine

But to try to constantly meet expectations I am not keen

The conditioning that I have to continuously strive

To improve myself is not helping me thrive…

*

There are so many expectations from me

Some imposed by myself, some by society

It’s exhausting to try to meet them every day

I still don’t feel like I’m progressing anyway..

*

So can I, just for a short period, simply exist?

Not put on a facade, not make an effort, but subsist

On the existing traits and skills I possess

Not try to run after narrowly defined, elusive success?

Do what I can but not try to please those around me

In solitude, search my soul for my true identity..

Energy stays constant, you know

On a bed of ashes, new life will grow

From each fire, a phoenix will rise

Sometimes take you by surprise

To witness transformation profound

Thus the circle of life goes around

*

What burns vigorously, rises up high

Infused with lightness, into the sky

Rejoins the world in a different way..

If the world around you is burning today

Look for opportunities to transform

Let the ashes take a new form

Channel that energy towards progress

Let the phoenix rise in success

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!”

– If by Rudyard Kipling

Time is precious- this is the message drilled in me

A resource not to be squandered frivolously

So I’ve been conditioned to use every hour spent awake

Towards productive tasks, to keep every break

Reasonably short, in fact to fill my breaks wisely too

In getting some exercise or completing a mindless task or two

Sleep only as much as I absolutely need

Multitask as much as possible indeed..

To harness the power of time, and not let it reign

Over my life-I must stay productive AND sane…

*

The result is that I feel uncomfortable

Being idle, I am completely unable

To do nothing, I feel a guilt profound

I simply cannot wrap my head around

Being alone with my thoughts, I confess

I find myself anxious and restless…

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say

When I’m idle, I have to push unseemly thoughts away..

*

So I was afraid of not having anything to do

I filled up my day, according to this view

Pushing past exhaustion, day after day

But feeling less fulfilled in every way

Until I happened to take a vacation to a place

That was off the grid, disconnected, I had to face

Unscheduled time, with resources few

I could not think of many things to do

Except spend time in nature with my thoughts

At first I found myself somewhat distraught

But over the next few days, I relaxed considerably

And my unscheduled life became heavenly…

Those non-productive days helped me reorient

Reorganize and prioritize things that were relevant

I returned from vacation, quite energized

Into high quality work I was promptly galvanized

*

There is virtue in work and virtue in rest

A balance of both brings out the best!