Passion…unbridled

To promise less and deliver more

Is what I believed had be at the core

Of what I did because I was extremely averse

To disappointing anyone, or worse

Falling short of someone’s expectation

Where I had received a strong recommendation

I would start by stating goals modest

And then give each project my best

So it seemed I had achieved at the end

A target much higher than I did intend

*

I was selling myself short, this I did not realize

Until much later, when it took me by surprise

Because of my modest goals I was perceived

As being less ambitious, it was believed

That thinking “big” was not my cup of tea

I had set limits on what was expected from me!

*

I am learning to promise as much as I think I can achieve

And then deliver a bit more, I just have to believe

In my abilities, and not operate with the constant fear

Of letting people down, or having their support disappear

There was advice always being given to me

Making independent decisions sound was not considered to be

Something I could do- I was naïve and inexperienced

Prone to impulsivity, idealism and emotions intense

I was told many times in a tone of mild condescension

That I should listen to those older and wiser, they had good intentions

They wanted to help me make choices right-

Mostly I ended up acquiescing, I did not put up a fight

Because much of the advice I received was geared

Towards following the safest path, it appeared

*

I am squarely middle-aged, and I still get unsolicited advice

From people in positions of power, who consider themselves more wise

While most advice I receive appears sensible at first glance

The aim seems to discourage me from trying to advance

In my career, on the same rung of the ladder stay

Despite knowing better, I often follow such advice anyway..

*

Often sensible advice does not align

With the instincts of my heart and mind

My intuition tells me that I should take

More risks, but I hold back because I don’t want to make

My “advisors” angry or say “I told you so”

If things according to my plan fail to go

*

Who am I afraid of and why

It is about time that I begin to rely

On my gut instinct and what it tells me to do

No one else I have to be answerable to

If I keep listening to “sensible” advice

Through stagnation I would be paying the price..

He had an air of intellectual superiority, a charm irresistible

To which she was drawn in a manner inexplicable

Once she was in a relationship with him they appeared

To be one and the same, you would never hear

Either one of them saying what the other did not endorse

People admired their relationship, but were unaware of course

That he controlled the narrative completely

To say what she wanted, she was not free

She who used to express her ideas without hesitation

Now spoke a scripted language, there was complete abnegation

Of her thoughts, although she gave the impression

That the ideas were her own, so convincing was her expression

*

As a young professional she joined a company

With an excellent reputation, her boss was thought to be

A prominent leader in the industry, she thought she could grow

Under his mentorship, but little did she know

That all the great things she had heard about this place

Came from a warped narrative of hyperbolic praise

Generated by her boss, anything that deviated from this narrative

Was basically impermissible, she had to speak in the superlative

When talking about her company, she had no right

To bring up any issue that showed the organization in a poor light

She felt trapped, but knew if she resigned

Shunned by other employers she could herself find

*

In a society with freedom of expression we live

Yet there are many who try to control the narrative

When they hold power over you, each word you say

Has to support their narrative in some way

The world is oblivious, you suffer inside

This becomes a shameful secret to hide

It is not easy to break free when you’ve lost your voice

You need to rediscover it to make the right choice…

Why do I scroll down in a manner compulsive

To see all the comments on a post provocative

The subject of the post leaves me riled

I feel my pulse quickening, sense the rise of bile

I am angry, strong feelings the post has instigated

I scan others’ responses to see if my indignation is validated

By others who are feel as outraged as I do

In morbid fascination, every comment I read through

And comment on some of them, expressing my perspective

Blowing off steam in this way a weird satisfaction does give…

*

Later, when I am calm, my behavior I contemplate

By now, my anger has had a chance to abate

I wonder why I got so caught up in a forum online

That to have a heated discussion with strangers I was inclined

Maybe the post was written with incendiary intention

To provoke polarized groups into further division

Like me, many others probably found themselves glued

To the screen, thus more views the poster accrued

*

Be careful of what you read, be mindful when you scroll

You do not want to join the ranks of an online troll-

A reminder and a warning to myself this should be

Not to get caught up in posts that make me angry

Solastalgia is a neologism formed by the combination of the Latin words sōlācium (comfort) and the Greek root -algia(pain, suffering), that describes a form of emotional or existential distress caused by environmental change. I stumbled upon this word in the Author’s Note section in a work of fiction titled “The Book of Fire” by Christy Lefteri.

I miss those dark mysterious woods

Wherein lie many memories of my childhood

The thick tree cover, the freshness of air

Thinned out over time, but I was unaware

That the woods as I knew them had disappeared

Claimed by forest fires due to climate change weird

Forests are supposed to regenerate but I do not know

Whether scorching temperatures would allow trees to grow

In the same manner as they did before..

I mourn the woods as I behold the charred forest floor..

*

The White Christmases of my childhood are no longer a certainty

I pray for snowfall during holidays, but its unpredictability

Has left me agonizing over my source of livelihood

I keep wondering if at this point I should

Forget about dog sledding in this touristy place

Every winter increasing uncertainty I face

Regarding my income, I miss those years

When there was abundant snow, I did not have to fear

Not having enough business, nor having enough

To feed my team of dogs- warm winters are tough

*

Watching out for flood warnings has now become routine

Melting glaciers can unleash floods previously unseen

I should count myself lucky that I am still alive

There are near and dear ones who did not survive

Amid threats of drowning, famine and diseases tropical

After losing my house, I just gambled for survival

Wistfully I remember the days when Monsoon would arrive

We would celebrate it, our crops would thrive

Now the Monsoon season brings anxiety severe

As catastrophic flooding we constantly fear

*

In a classroom we do practice drills for a heatwave

We need to educate vulnerable children how they can save

Themselves and their pets from succumbing to heat excessive

It is surreal because in a temperate climate we live…

*

Climate change is no longer a concept distant

It is affecting people’s home environments

Causing significant anxiety and stress

It is a global problem that must be addressed

A lot of us adults struggle to just get through a regular day

Making poor choices, wasting time away

To our devices and social media we stay glued

Despite meaning well, often come across as irritable and rude

Fail to juggle multiple responsibilities well

Where our passions truly lie, we cannot often tell

We stumble and fumble, barely keeping ourselves afloat

There are times when we are close to sinking our boats…

As long as we do not cause deliberate harm, we can get by

Not many people ask us what we are doing and why..

*

Therefore I do not understand why our expectations

From children are so high, to my consternation

We expect from children what we ourselves cannot do

As flawed as we are, we want all children to

Be perfect- eat their vegetables, behave, off devices stay

Excel at academics and sports, a musical instrument or two play

And to get to college especially in an institution elite

A 17-year old (or younger) should have accomplished a nearly impossible feat

Many of us in out thirties and forties cannot claim

A groundbreaking contribution to the society in our name

Yet our children should have ideas to change the world in a positive way

It is hypocritical to hold children to such standards, I would say

*

Our behavior children always emulate

So first we should our own standards elevate

Show our children what a day’s honest work means

Model kindness for them, get away from our screens

Practice healthy habits that they can imbibe

Instill values that will in the real world help them survive..

Let them pursue higher education but not necessarily

In the institutions that are highly coveted by the majority..

*

As I pen these lines myself I remind

That the right path to pursue I am still trying to find

So that I don’t end up bring a hypocrite

That I do what I expect from my child to the last bit

The worst example of being stuck between a rock and a hard place

Is that of being stuck in a job that is soul-crushing, that does not give space

To you for growth and professional development at all

In which you feel unmotivated, unvalued, small..

Yet you have no other option, you have to stay

You need to earn a living, there are bills to pay

This job that sucks the life out of you pays you adequately

When you think about quitting, you are reminded of this fact immediately…

*

You fantasize about leaving your job to pursue

Your true passion, there must be ways to

Monetize your interests, to build a new business

Social media is full of stories showcasing such success

Why should your one precious life in an insipid job be spent

Why should your talent not be explored to a greater extent

Why are you whiling away your time where you are under-appreciated

Why have you not the life you desire yet created?

*

Fueled by the audacity of your own thoughts, you decide

You would hand over your resignation with pride

And tell everyone you have planned to follow your passion

As you are imagining your supervisor’s expression

A message regarding a loan payment you get

Of course you cannot be allowed to forget

All the expenses that your current salary covers

You are back to the point around which this dilemma hovers..

*

The thought of resignation from your job you suppress

You are stuck here, all those visions of success

Are unfortunately never going to materialize

You need job security (and the salary too), you realize

(The two-hit theory in hereditary cancer describes how two hits or mutations in genes are needed to cause cancer in an individual.)

Many adverse events in life just like cancer fit

The two-hit hypothesis- where the first hit

Bends you, alters you but does not cause a break

A second hit then give you a thorough shake

Where you snap, shatter, visibly broken appear

In either the physical or the emotional sphere

*

After the first hit of an adverse childhood experience

A failed relationship gives a second hit in a manner intense

If generational trauma one carries subconsciously

Any discrimination can cause decompensation rapidly

On a background of unhealthy lifestyle, any added physical stress

Can lead to diagnosis of a major illness

One act of dishonesty in a relationship might create a crack

But a second act breaks the proverbial camel’s back…

*

The first hit therefore one must seriously take

What is bent can be straightened, but once there is a break

It gets closer to the point of no return

This is the lesson in life I have from cancer learnt

Going to school for over a century has been

A fact of life for children aged five to eighteen

With the pandemic, the world order was upended

With consequences that went beyond intended

When school switched to online mode of instruction

Who knew it would eventually lead to reduction

In school attendance, and increase in truancy

That educators were probably not able to foresee

*

With online classes, supervision adequate

Was not possible, it was unfortunate

That children were at the mercy of a working internet

Or free to browse online sites, and homework forget

Parents were often trying to work from home too

There were just too many things they had to do

*

Many children felt academically left behind

Some others struggled with disorders of the mind

They developed mechanisms to cope on their own

In a chaotic world they were left all alone..

*

When school changed back to instruction in-person

Circumstances suddenly did not change for some

Confused and directionless, they unfortunately found

Absenteeism from school as a solution to their troubles profound..

*

To get children back in school without

Being punitive to parents is no doubt

A pressing need for our society, so we can ensure

No child is deprived of basic education any more

I have been inhabiting either the past or the future in my mind

It is time to forget both and my bearings find

In the present, experience the moment in which I am right now

Try to savor it, make it as pleasurable as circumstances would allow

It is a cold crisp day; I bundle up and go outside

Take a brisk walk and feel energized

Thoroughly invigorated, focus I am able to find

In my work, having left the past and future behind

In the present moment, my work starts to appear

More rewarding, my faculties are clear

From the baggage that I was carrying with me

I am able to find joy in my mundane work finally

*

I learnt about the Swedish concept of “Njuta” which translates

Into savoring the moment, trying to create

Joy in whatever you are doing in the moment

After all, there is nothing better than living in the present

This Swedish word captured my attempt perfectly

Njuta is what I had needed desperately..

I am literally giving you some bitter pills to swallow

Please know that my advice to you does not ring hollow

These medications are designed to work for your condition

And I have prescribed them countless times as a physician

It is unnerving to get a new ailment diagnosed, I understand

But diagnosis and treatment do go hand in hand

While there are lifestyle changes needed for sure

With a few pills adequate treatment of your condition we can ensure

You’ve never been on pills, this is overwhelming for you

But know that without medications, you can feel worse too

*

I suspect you have read about practices unscrupulous

The internet is full of such reports, they make you nervous

You wonder if there is an ulterior motive

In my recommending these pills, but I am just trying to give

The best possible treatment to you, supported by medical guidelines

I can recommend you trusted references to check out online

But I am afraid a random web search might be misleading

There is a lot of misinformation out there that you could be reading..

*

I know I have to channel the art of persuasion

To not come across as overbearing but still make a strong recommendation

Unfortunately I know what you may not at this moment realize

Serious consequences can occur (though I am not trying to catastrophize)

If you are not started on medications soon enough

That would place both of us in a spot tough

*

We do not practice paternalistic medicine, therefore

I cannot compel you to take pills any more

I hope you shall get over your initial hesitation

And start taking your prescribed medication

The sky was overcast, there wasn’t enough sunlight

I enhanced the photograph with a “filter” to make it more bright

Then showed it to my son (before posting) expecting his approval

But on the contrary he suggested removal

Of the filter that I had chosen with care

The wrong filter could ruin the picture, I was quite aware

The one I had chosen made it look as it would on a sunnier day

Yet in my son’s opinion, its authenticity I had stripped away..

*

The filters for photography available now

Feel like a new tool to tinker with somehow

I see gorgeous pictures and am tempted to show

My photographs in an aesthetically pleasing glow

My son’s objection however led me to examine why I felt compelled

To embellish my picture, what did this act about me tell..

*

I felt the need to beautify something that did not need

A filter for enhancement, its beauty was pristine indeed

I was afraid to show everyone a picture less than perfect

Somehow I felt it would badly on me reflect

Because I see gorgeous photographs everywhere

(They are often photoshopped too, I’m aware)

It is hard to know what is touched up and what is not

Technology has such tools at our fingertips brought..

*

Trust children to tell you what you should yourself realize

Without the influence of others, when you see the world with their eyes

You know that using a filter is a lie, albeit an innocuous one

Let me end here by saying I am proud of my son!