Passion…unbridled

Something feels empty, what is it and where?

Is there a hole, a void in my heart of which I am unaware

I feel lonely, cooped up in my home alone

Trying to find something uplifting on my smartphone

There is a pit in my stomach, a craving I cannot name

It feels like an addiction, smells faintly of shame

I do not have vices, the kind people talk about

I do not smoke or use drugs, alcohol I can do without

But I need something to fill that void

Something innocuous, anything in shades of grey I avoid

Where is my succor, in the pantry maybe

Or the freezer, my feet without realizing take me

To the haven of food, to fill that hollow feeling

I stuff myself mindlessly until I am reeling

From the effects of eating too much too fast

The emptiness is obliterated, but the effect would not last…

*

Later I reflect on my behavior, and I am ashamed again

For my sin of gluttony, I endure privately my pain

I realize with food I am trying to mistakenly fill

A hole in my heart, that remains empty still…

I shall remember for years to come

How you shaped me, how I did become

The grown-up person that I am today

All words of encouragement and criticism tucked away

In various recesses of my brain from where

They get retrieved without my being aware

Help me navigate through life in your measured tone

I think I rarely take a decision all alone

The silver-haired wisdom you imparted to me

Is my friend, philosopher and guide constantly

**

I have a lifetime of memories for reminiscence

Many of them evoke emotions intense

My embarrassment at your superlative praise

Your reproaches at my defiant adolescent ways

All those times you knew me better than I knew

Myself-all those times that I argued with you

Because I was an adult or I wanted to pretend

(Perhaps defiance alone was what I did intend)

Memories that seemed too many to store

Suddenly became finite, there shall be no more

Memories to make with you, I know

Let me inhale them all, deep and slow

If there is something I have learnt

In the last two years after being burnt

Multiple times for my planning overzealous

Is not to make plans, best not to discuss

What we would do in six months or a year

Many times the plans for the next week are unclear

Depending on which way the pandemic pendulum swings

Unexpected change of plans the curve of an outbreak brings

Plans for social gatherings and travel can change within days

Our lives are ruled by the virus, this is one of the ways

*

Pre-pandemic a lot of time I would spend

In making plans elaborate, only a few in the end

Would materialize, but now it appears to me

That they were daydreams more than plans actually

The roller-coaster ride of the pandemic has now

Cured me of that habit, I do not allow

Myself to get carried away and plan far ahead

I make immediately actionable plans instead

I am more spontaneous, less time I idle away

Disappointment thus I can keep at bay

*

From a compulsive planner to someone

Who now finds spontaneous planning fun-

I have changed, expectations right now I have none

Who knows if I would revert back when the pandemic is done?

When you deal with illness and death every day

Imperceptibly, somewhere along the way

Melancholy makes its way into your world view

Sadness tints with darkness every hue

Those around you notice it much before you do

Your pessimist perception has become reality for you

You go on, engulfed in subliminal depression

Until your life at home gets affected by your profession

One day you are jolted by a wake-up call

Your negative attitude could lead to your downfall…

*

It takes effort to channel positivity

When the worst of life you constantly see

You have to reframe failure and success

Have a memory selective, forget what causes distress

Or transform emotions that cause discomfort

Into artistic expression of some sort

You could literally paint your blues away

Or emote through poetry that can hearts sway

Or create music that captures despondence

And morphs it into sweetness intense

Or dance with abandon to exorcise

All negative thoughts, let positivity rise

Let your melancholic hues get incorporated

In creative effort, let your mind get liberated

From the pessimism that clouds over you

With a clean slate, start afresh, start anew..

*

To heal through creativity

Is the new guiding principle for me

The number of children hospitalized with Covid-19 is soaring nationwide, especially as the highly transmissible omicron variant of the coronavirus spreads across the country, and children under 5 are not eligible for the vaccine yet. This variant on the other hand, may cause a milder illness like the cold in an adult fully vaccinated and boosted. This poem attempts to give a voice to the feelings of a parent whose child is sick with COVID.

I wear my heart on my sleeve

Words cannot express the way I grieve

To see you sick, to see you succumb

To this illness makes me go numb

Knowing that I have been spared, but you

Are going through this, what would I not do

For the powers above to make your disease

Afflict me, and you from its clutches release

The unfairness of the situation is brought in sharp relief

The adults got protection but in the mistaken belief

Of children being more resilient to illness, we decided we could

Lower our guard while our children would

Be exposed without any protection for now

While waiting for vaccine approval, we did allow

The section of our society most vulnerable

To the whims of adults, the ones unable

To voice an opinion- to go to school maskless, thinking they would be fine

So was my child until he got the illness, now for intervention divine

I wait, to make him recover quickly

While feelings of guilt gnaw at me

This was the situation, and nothing I could do

I protected myself with an extra shot, but I couldn’t protect you…

*

Parenting a sick child is hard no matter what

Knowing you evaded the illness that your child caught

Is hearbreaking, and I fervently pray

For you to get back to your old self today..

Amid chaos the world has descended into

Amid the vagaries of the pandemic that we cannot get through

In the midst of losses, sorrows and angst everywhere

In trying to protect things about which we care

Finding happiness seems an unachievable goal

In tumultuous times, restless remains the soul

Where do I look for happiness, I need a small slice

A single positive note, a tiny ray of hope would suffice..

**

The world outside was beyond my comprehension

Therefore I decided to turn my attention

To what I could try to understand, and control

I tuned into the depths of my mind and soul

To search in the hidden crevices present

A way to calm my simmering discontent

Through trial and error, I did discover

The art of meditation, and its power

To unlock the key to happiness

Something I hadn’t believed before, I confess

Twenty minutes of stillness with eyes closed every day

Had the power to transform me, my outlook sway

From one of abject pessimism to one of optimism calm

For my grieving, aching body and soul, this was a balm

I found myself less affected by outside events

The pendulum swings in mood I could better prevent

*

To quote Camus, in the midst of a winter I discovered

Through meditation, within me, an invincible summer

She worked quietly and efficiently

Assumed her work was there for everyone to see

And admire, she put in hours beyond required

She had a reputation of being a hard-worker acquired

She did not talk much about her accomplishments though

Small talk would interfere with efficiency and make her slow

So she believed, besides she operated with the conviction

That actions spoke louder than words, impeccable work made the distinction

**

She had assumed she would in her career make strides

Because of her dedication, eventually, so she let it slide

When others (men) more vociferous in their opinions

(Without doing as much) were given the power to make decisions

And she, the quiet one, was sidelined

At every opportunity for promotion she was left behind

Slowly she noticed that she would receive

Time-intensive projects that were less important perceived

While the plum assignments that more impactful seemed

Would go to her colleagues who were more competent deemed

She also realized the ideas she had shared informally

Were stolen by others who claimed their authenticity

What was happening took her a while to realize

She understood that she needed to be more worldly-wise

**

I wish I could say she turned around and achieved

Everything she deserved, but despite the reality she perceived

She found it difficult to transform herself into someone

Who could toot her own horn, be afraid of none

She has grown smarter, and no longer accepts

Having work dumped on her, in this respect

She has made some strides, but still struggles to be heard

In a room full of assertive folks, who still have the final word

*

Actions speak, but words do too

Women need to speak up more at work, it’s true..

Is this social conditioning that lets women be

On the sidelines, not front and center for the world to see?

The world seemed calm but there was simmering discontent

Then the pandemic happened- one we could not prevent

The Pandora’s box of evils flung open, taking the world by storm

Like an erupting volcano, lava shot up to cause unprecedented harm

A shapeshifting virus has been holding us hostage for nearly two years

We try to claim victory, but each new variant brings fresh fears…

Pandora’s box did not release just the virus though

It brought all kinds of other miseries in tow

Social and economic inequality, the chasm between

The haves and have-nots no longer remains unseen

Power, greed, economic interdependence, global warming and more

Have all been brought by the pandemic to the fore

The fury of the natural world has been revealed

We have learnt the hard way the power that non-humans can wield

*

When Pandora’s box had opened to release all the ills

An antidote had appeared at the end to kill

Some of the misery in the form of Hope fairy

Similarly the one redeeming feature of the pandemic one can see

Is Hope in action, to make the world a slightly better place

As the world collectively continues to face

The greatest disaster of modern times, Hope has remained

That one constant companion for those in pain

Hope has helped us create vaccines, search without pause

For novel treatments against the disease, because

We hope our resourcefulness will triumph one day

We’ve learnt to work in creative socially distanced ways

We’ve learnt a few lessons in humanity too

Coronavirus has become the great leveler, it’s true

*

Each time Pandora’s box opens and havoc creates

Hope appears to carry us through, misery alleviate

With renewed hope, I visualize a better tomorrow

A beautiful dawn shall await after a night of sorrow

There must be something wrong with me

I am probably of selfishness an epitome

Like women all around, able I should be

To put my family’s needs at all times before me

I try hard, but sometimes I need a break

Some time for myself, for sanity’s sake

But the cycle of household chores and raising children

Is never-ending, I procrastinate by telling myself that when

Dinner and homework are done and children asleep

Some dedicated time for self-care I would keep

But workplace tasks that I have left incomplete

Have to be finished first- each day the cycle repeats

And I end up never being able to carve out

Time for self-indulgence, the only thing I can do without

And when once in a blue moon I find

An opportunity for self-care, my pre -conditioned mind

Is ready to admonish me for neglecting my household

My precious children need me more, I have been told

And if I missed a child’s important game just for self-care

Profound guilt would destroy any potential benefit, I’m quite aware

*

There are rare days when I sneak in me- time successfully

Without worrying about my family or feeling guilty

I take those moments as gifts bestowed on me

My family is my priority, to think otherwise

is still a travesty

Someday I resolve to find time adequate

To fulfill my duties, and guilt-free space for myself create….

In trying to analyze stress in my life I happened to find

That a bell-shaped curve represents the effect of stress on the mind

Between eustress (good) and distress (bad) you can see

The optimal level of stress for a life of productivity

I realized this to be true, at least for me

If there is no stress, no reason I see

To do anything at all, to sloth I fall prey

Until boredom sets in, and I get disgruntled day by day

Then that lack of stress morphs eventually

Into a major source of stress for me…

*

Excessive stress is a faithful companion

Accompanies me most places under the sun

Gnaws at precious sleep, leads to a rushed pace

The ill-effects of bad stress I often face

And wonder if stress reduction, however minuscule

Would improve my quality of life, and productivity fuel

*

So I spend my days in perpetual quest

For the optimal quantity of stress

That would give me the boost I need

To be productive without being overwhelmed indeed

Like everything else in life, though

Balance is hard to achieve, and so

The bell curve I visualize every day

And wait for radical change to come my way

This poem is an attempt to give voice to millions grieving this year- where tragedy had struck as a result of the pandemic and other disasters.

Lost in the meandering labyrinth of grief

Trying hard not to lose faith, to restore belief

In life, in luck, in hope that something would be

Back to a semblance, or at least a mirage of normalcy

She tried to get through the blur of days

Sorrow clouded her vision, in a perpetual haze

She took steps, some forward, most sideways

She felt herself floundering in a maze..

Praying, bargaining with God, searching for a sign

To indicate the direction forward, was it part of cosmic design

For her to get lost inexorably in this way

She could not perpetually in this state stay..

Friends and family had expressed condolences and left

She knew there was nothing more from anyone she could expect

She had not expected the grief of her loss to be

So profound, and all-consuming as it was shaping to be..

*

Her child, subdued by the transformation

In his mother, and his home, approached her with hesitation

Despite his young age he had by now realized

His mother was different, he did recognize

That a chasm that did not exist before

Now separated them, its width increasing more..

Yet he tried again, not knowing what to do

Expecting her to ignore him again, too

For the first time, however, she focused her eyes

On her precious child since the tragedy, to his surprise

As the sadness and maturity in his eyes she perceived

The sign she was waiting for, she realized she had received

The purpose in life she was waiting for in suspended animation

Was right before her, that moment marked a transformation

In her state of mind, she stood up, with motivation renewed

Her stance now a sense of purpose did exude

The child realized it too, together they decided

They would be a team, stand before the world united

*

The path through tragedy and grief is different for everyone

Eventually each time human resilience has won

So it was for the mother and son

A new life past their grief had now begun…

( it is solved by walking)

I feel tense, a conundrum I face

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place

I sit in silence, rack my brain for ideas new

The stillness is soporific, all I seem to do

Is to fight drowsiness, my thoughts are unclear

I would never get out of my predicament, I fear

*

I try to jot down known and unknown variables

Try to formulate an equation algebraic that would enable

Me to solve the problem in a manner mathematic

I hope that solution would be the most pragmatic..

When that does not work, a story I try to conjure

To create a novel solution out of parables heard before

Then I try to solve the issue in a graphical format

But keeping track of my thoughts isn’t something I’m good at

The ennui of sitting in one place is overwhelming me

And no coherent solution to my quagmire I can see

*

Thoroughly fed up, I decide to get up and go

For a short walk, to raise my spirits running low

The weather is perfect, crisp is the fall air

I walk briskly, and before I am fully aware

Pieces of the puzzle start falling into place

Each element of my problem seems to find space

Synchronous with my footsteps, in the recesses of my mind

Before the mile is over, my eureka moment I find

The solution to my problem is breathtaking in its simplicity

I wonder why I could not reach this conclusion previously

*

Solvitur ambulando- the phrase worked perfectly for me

Seated in deep thought, no solution I could see

But walking flexed my muscles of thinking

Just as it exercised, more directly, my hamstrings

Now whenever I find myself in a rut stuck

I get up and take a walk- often my luck

Then bestows on my brain a solution workable

Walking outdoors for me better problem-solving thus enables