Passion…unbridled

The magic of storytelling I well understand

I’m waiting for God’s mysterious hand

To work wonders on my imagination in such a way

That I can pen a groundbreaking story one day

Everyone has a story, so I am told

Random ideas in my head I hope would unfold

And reorganize in to a story compelling and coherent

That spellbinds readers, a whole new perspective presents..

**

The characters I conjure in my mind

Are as fickle as my thoughts, I find

Never staying with me long enough

To be able to create even a draft rough..

Ideas come to me in a drowsy state

To disappear next morning, leaving a blank slate..

What should I write about, is another conundrum

I am knowledgeable only in fields some

An unremarkable life I lead

Nothing to write about indeed..

*

They say when an idea comes to you

Jot it down somewhere, any medium would do

But ideas come to me at times most inconvenient

I can rarely write them down, that’s my predicament..

Thus I have a laundry list of excuses as you see

To explain why I have not penned my masterpiece for posterity..

Let me get shattered

Let me break

Into a million pieces

For the sake

Of my grief

I am blinded

Crippled, maimed

By flaming anger

I long to blame

This twist of fate

Like a tsunami

Washed away from me

The life that I knew

No path I can see

Forward- it is clouded

In a fog concocted

From my anger, my misery

Let the acerbic pain of my loss

Disintegrate me

So I can exorcise

My desolate past

Burn to ashes, then rise

Like the Phoenix proverbial

Transform my cries

Into motivation to turn a new leaf…

We were three women meeting

For the first time-wives of three old friends

After the preliminary introductions were completed

And we were all past the stage of pretense

The conversation turned, as it invariably does

To family, work-life balance, raising children

Soon each one of us, though highly accomplished

Was explaining her life-choices to other women

*

I realized we have a compelling need to explain

How we make our choices, set priorities

Each time they are different from the norm

We try to rationalize our own insecurities

Preemptively- so conditioned are we to receive judgment

When we move past societal rules restrictive

That we feel obligated to explain our motivation

Behind everything we do, in a manner predictive

We are almost certain questions would be asked

So into a defensive mode we go

We are all adults free to make decisions

Then why do others have to know

When we choose something “unconventional”

(What is convention anyway, may I inquire?)

Different strokes exist for different folks

We live according to our needs and desires..

*

We gave each other explanations vociferous

Subconsciously judging and comparing constantly

We ended though on a note unanimous

We were each doing the best for our family..

I just want to sit in peace and drink my coffee

And mindfully enjoy my breakfast too

Instead I grab a biodegradable cup

And scarf down antioxidant-rich morsels few

With my phone in one hand, coffee cup in the other

I grab my car keys and walk at a brisk pace

To my car, my handbag slung over my shoulder

Gearing for ride in heavy traffic to my workplace.

*

Driving to work is a time sink, therefore

Instead of listening to a radio station that is more interesting

I listen to an audio book, a podcast or more

I am glad in self-improvement time I am investing

*

I just want to sit outside and munch

For fifteen precious minutes precise

On my fiber and protein-rich lunch

But doing nothing else is unwise

As I chew on my salad leaves, I try

To respond to e-mails abundant

I return from lunch satisfied, I won’t lie

When I’ve emptied the lunchbox and inbox of their contents..

*

In my 20 minute break I want to sit and stare

At the ceiling, but my inner voice admonishes me

Sitting is the new cancer, so I do not dare

To sit, instead I go for a brisk walk to stay healthy

*

The afternoon commute is painfully slow

I listen to my audio book to be productive again

I pick up my child, feed him a snack as we go

To his soccer practice-secretly wishing it would rain..

*

I want to sit in a corner and watch my child play

But I’ve to prepare for tomorrow’s meeting

I read the documents e-mailed earlier today

Of the soccer game, I catch glimpses fleeting

*

Once home I want to sit down, I feel the need

That’s not happening at all, as dinner is due

I have mastered making dinner at an amazing speed

While helping my child with his assignments too..

*

I sit for dinner for ten minutes or so

That is our family time, precious

Once dishes are done, I’m ready to go

Sit and read (extra reading would be a plus)

Often I do not realize how I sink in my bed

From sitting to a position supine

All the wonderful things in my head

Disappear as sleep takes over my mind..

You are strong, is all you’ve heard

So strong is the only way to be

In moments of weakness, you put on a facade

Of strength, each time invariably..

That does help carry you through

Many crises, real and perceived

But it turns exhausting too

“You can handle anything” is generally believed

This illusion of strength has a consequence odd

Portraying strength can isolating be

You don’t need support or assistance

This is a belief held wildly..

**

What a pleasure it would be to open up

And display your vulnerable side

To cry, to commiserate, to voice your fears

For once, let your emotions decide

Which way to go, which path to take

Give yourself permission to express

All your dreams and fears bottled up

All perceived weaknesses that you had suppressed…

*

Strength to me lies in embracing

Our vulnerability, our human aspect

Some battles are won by the body and the brain, some by heart

All emotions that we feel, we should respect

You complain about being uncomfortable

Due to externalities- mostly you are capable

Of moving away from the source of discomfort for you

Therein lies the difference between us – this is not true

For me- I carry the burden of discomfort with me

Because of my lack of societal conformity..

*

I am eyed with suspicion, perceived as a pervert

And that, fellow human beings, does definitely hurt..

I try to talk to myself about self-love every day

But not much love has come along my way..

The disappointment and sorrow in the eyes

Of my parents, who have wrapped my reality in lies

Has taken me away from the one place that could have been

My safe haven, where I could shed tears unseen

Despite attempts at inclusion, I fear discrimination

At the doctor’s office, I am still an aberration

I see healthcare staff treat me cautiously

Deadly diseases I am suspected to carry..

*

When I strike conversations with strangers, I am on guard

Their views on inclusivity I cannot disregard

Being hyper attentive has become second nature, I must say

Saving me from escalating trouble many a day

*

My greatest desire is not to excel, or accolades win

First and foremost I just want to be comfortable in my skin

Success…

How would I define success today?

Do I think I’m successful, am I able to say

I’ve arrived, I’ve achieved the goals

That make me successful as a whole

Is success a discrete entity or a continuum?

Is my life headed in an upward direction?

*

Success was important, that was ingrained

In my mind, it was a message firmly retained

From the applause that as a child I’d received

Getting good grades, winning contests I perceived

As being synonymous with success

Therefore, sadly, I continued to obsess

Over academic excellence, which I did achieve

I would be successful, I began to believe..

*

The definition of success morphed as I grew

Or branched out, as I faced challenges new

The first brush with failure was a resounding blow

To my overestimated ability, my fragile ego

More challenges in myriad spheres followed

I stumbled repeatedly along the road

Failure became a faithful companion for me

While fickle success floated in and out repeatedly…

*

These days success I measure in aliquots small

Each time that I rise up after a fall

Each time I reach or exceed targets I’ve set

I consider it success, a sense of accomplishment I get

To improve my health, when steps I take

To enhance my skills, when efforts I make

These are steps to keep failure at bay

To feel successful in small measures everyday

There is no applause, rarely appreciation I receive

There are no tangible measures of success to achieve..

The old barometer of success was dependent

On external validation- not internal contentment

With age, I define success differently

It is for me to feel, not for the world to see

*

Success..

Success is not a goal-post, nor a destination to reach

It is a journey with failure by my side to teach

The value of persistence, the need for humility

I am navigating towards internal success, successfully!

Temptations abound

Slippery slopes all around

Hard to know sometimes what you do

Is above bar, completely ethical too

In a world where lines get increasingly blurred

New money-generating ways get unfurled

In a gig economy, there are creative ways

To sell stuff, ideas, entertainment these days

The old-fashioned ways of drawing a fixed income

By working for a company have become

Somewhat antiquated as exciting opportunities appear

The internet-fed generation is embracing this market without fear…

*

Rules in this new era at times seem fluid to me

What appears completely legitimate could be

Frowned upon by some as flirting with unethical territory

Should you disregard such doubts or should you worry?

*

My take is that one should objectively interrogate

One’s motivation behind the action they contemplate

If there’s a nagging feeling that something’s not right

It’s probably not going to be worth the fight

The best judge when rules are nebulous

Is our own inner conscience that nudges us

To choose the right path, rise above our greed

Make the best, most ethical decisions indeed

“You don’t know how strong you are

Until being strong is the only option for you”

This is what I had heard so far

But I beg to state this may not be true

The statement seems to suggest

That strength is a reaction to an external force

This sentiment I would like to protest

Strength is a choice you make, not the last recourse

Alone and faced with adversity

You can be paralyzed or be proactive

Both are choices you can make freely

The choice you make is the one with which you live

*

I do believe that we are beings resilient

In times of stress our survival instinct is revived

We choose to be strong because it is our intent

To live, to succeed, towards happiness strive

*

Let life throw its curveballs at me

I choose to be strong, to deal with them freely..

I believe that healing from grief requires embracing it, and going through it, in order to move on.

From childhood years I had been taught

You had to look happy, even when you were not

The world would soon get tired of your grief

This was what I had imbibed, this was my belief..

*

So when tragedy gave me a gut-punch, myself I found

Facing a deep chasm of grief profound

In my sorrow, from inside I was a mess

While projecting a calm demeanor, I confess

*

Behind a stoic facade I did hide

I withdrew in a shell, retreated inside

I interacted with the world, but I was depressed

Turns out it was because grief I had suppressed

*

One day in a vivid dream I did see

My grief as a raging wide river before me

Contentment and hope, it appeared

Were on the opposite bank- I feared

That instead of crossing the river of grief

I had been skirting the shore in misplaced belief

I needed to swim through the river after all

This was my epiphany, this was an action call..

*

I plunged in to the river of sorrow and misery

Painful at first but cathartic eventually-

I went through my grief and not around

On the other bank of the river there was hope to be found…

*

My grief finally exorcized, I could move on

Come out of my shell- the sadness had gone

The only way forward after a traumatic event

Is not around it- grief needs to be experienced

By donning a mask and not mourning my loss, it appears

I had prolonged my misery, in mistaken assumptions and fear..

Thinking about my life never fails to remind me

Of the place I call my hometown, this incredible city

*

Far I have flown from its folds, yet I remain beguiled

By its timeless appeal, the history of India is compiled

Within its perimeters, the seat of power is here

Delhi fueled my ambition, made my goals clear

To see the wider world, for where else would you see

Eponymous roads giving you lessons in world history

Where a twelfth century tower is near a twenty-first century mall

Where Old and New Delhi are separated by a medieval wall

*

Having lived in Delhi I can never forget

My roots, because in this city intersect

The ancient and the modern in each corner and nook

Every part of Delhi is an open book

With layers of stories to tell spanning epochs of time…

But in the midst of monuments and gardens sublime

There exists a deep, dark underbelly

Sordid crimes have marred the face of Delhi

A constant reminder that evil exists side by side

With good- a barbed arrow that hurts the pride

Of a person like me- whose wanderlust heart

Shall forever belong to Delhi in some part..

To long meandering sentences I am averse

These days I find when I want to converse

With other denizens of this universe

I choose not prose, I choose verse..

*

When I am caught in situations terse

When I am dealing with circumstances adverse

I try to organize my thoughts in verse

This exercise then helps me reverse

My perception, my agitation it helps to disperse

*

Sometimes it is just interesting to intersperse

My speech with a nonsensical rhyming verse

I find when things take turns for worse

With a humorous rhyme, somber mood I can inverse

*

Rhymes are found in languages diverse

While some might find my fascination perverse

I must say poems let me traverse

Through the complexities of the universe..