Passion…unbridled

This pandemic and lockdowns have created an urge

To explore creative endeavors, and led to a surge

Of people sharing on social media their creations

The latest fad is to share your newfound obsessions

A sudden plethora of videos and stills

Have my social media feeds filled

Bored as I am, now the fear of missing out

Has made its way back in, without doubt…

*

As I look at pictures of baked goods delectable

I wonder for the umpteenth time why I am unable

To even find time to cook three meals a day

Leave alone take beautiful pictures along the way

When I look at videos meant to take fitness to new heights

I wonder why I can only manage exercise in small bytes

When I see people displaying dance moves flawless

I get conscious of my two left feet, I confess

When I see stunning art by non-artists, I am amazed

At their creativity and patience, they deserve much praise…

I have not taken up a new hobby, or any new skills acquired

To do so appears to be a pandemic assignment required…

*

While for my distress the obvious solution

Would be to quarantine from social media in isolation

But since life these days is lived on platforms virtual

Avoiding social media does not appear practical

So the next best thing to lift myself up

Is to count all my blessings, surely they are enough…

In these uncertain times fraught with constant peril

My family and I are thriving, we are healthy still

The pace of my hectic life has slowed down, what I should not do

Is to accelerate it by adding something new

In keeping up with others sometimes we forget

To be kind to ourselves, to remember we are doing our best..

 

 

Judge away for all I care

Judge me here while I declare

As long as my actions do not affect you

Your judging me is a reflection of you

To conform to a stereotype, long I have tried

Portraying myself as someone I was not inside

Yet judgmental remarks never ceased

The more I bent, the more they increased

You’ve called me modern, you’ve called me traditional

I’m sure you can think of adjectives additional

To criticize me as if it were your birthright

Have you considered such comments are impolite?

The clothes I wear, the places to which I go

When I return home, are not your business, so,

Your judgment on those counts is completely wasted on me

I’m not going to modify my behavior, you see

I don’t want to do so, but when you judge me

You give me the right to judge you based on reciprocity

Who knows I might cause skeletons in your closet

To fall out- would that make you upset?

I know you are here to eulogize

Since you are too late to apologize

For all the times you did not hear

His silent pleas for help, that were loud and clear

In retrospect- twenty-twenty is hindsight

You did not realize he was losing the fight

To live- in the midst of unprecedented stress

Of these times, when he spoke of his distress

You tried to dismiss his concerns, steer away

From the topic, saying that times were bad anyway

You did not know that when he agreed with you

He bottled up his sadness, his frustrations too

When he said he was sad, you actually thought

Anecdotes forwarded would cheer him, did you not?

When he talked of endings in roundabout ways

You declared everyone was talking about it these days..

He looked odd on facetime, but you did not know

That depression had made his eyes lose the glow

When he said he was lonely you commiserated

How the quarantine was leaving you exasperated

You completely forgot that such things he had said

Even earlier, before the pandemic spread

Thinking back the signs you clearly see

He just seemed distant, never present fully..

**

You are trying your best to do what you can

No words can bring back to life that man

You thought you could deliver a lasting tribute

To your departed friend, list each positive attribute

But words fail you, barely a word you manage to say

When a deluge of tears comes blocking your way

This time your living friends surround you

You look them in the eye, this you must learn to do

To check on each one, find how they are feeling

Discover if under anxiety and depression they are reeling

You promise you would try to lend a non-judgmental ear

To each and everyone you hold near and dear

You hope, there will be no more eulogies

You hope, there will be no more apologies…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard as it is, I am compelled to say

Everything I had managed to keep hidden to this day

**

Behind a beguiling smile it was much easier to hide

Than to display the tsunami raging inside

Who had the time, who would have understood me

In a world where perception is considered reality..

Benumbed I lumbered from day to day

Existing- ghostlike, not living in any meaningful way..

The world..closing around my throat

Drowning, just drowning in a deep dark moat..

Living in a body that was struggling to survive

With a mind that wanted to stop being alive..

**

The days went on, off my tongue excuses flew

I said I was exhausted, there was too much to do

I stuck to ailments, or ailments stuck to me

Acknowledging physical pain was easier, definitely

Aimless, directionless, hopeless, I drifted further away

Deeper I sank into the black hole of depression each day

**

When life seemed like a burden too heavy to bear

When I was at the point I did not really care

When  jumping off the proverbial cliff appeared

To be the only solution to my pain, destiny interfered….

**

That day I was going to jump off a bridge and die

It was a gloomy day, rain poured from the sky

What rescued me was my lifelong disdain

Of getting drenched in the falling rain-

I took refuge in a church nearby

And decided to pray before I could die

I tried to pray but in my benumbed state

No coherent prayer could my mind formulate

Just then I heard a gentle voice asking me

If I had something to confess- it would unburden me

This was a sign from above, and all of a sudden

A deluge opened up, and out poured the hidden

Feelings of despair, depression, hopelessness

The kind priest listened, and understood my distress

Instead of the bridge, to a hospital I was headed

Despite my depression, this was the one place I dreaded

If people knew I was mentally ill, how would they react

Even in my despair I could not bear the ignominy of that..

Yet I surrendered to the priest who accompanied me

I got treated, got the resources I needed desperately

**

The struggle has not completely gone away

But I am much better than I was, today

One empathetic ear became my lifeline

I consider this intervention divine

Sometimes the difference between 

Life and untimely death could mean

Just one person ready to lend an ear

Someone you can confide in without any fear

**

Today I sit, on the other side

Lending an ear to someone contemplating suicide

I volunteer for a suicide prevention hotline

With this, a purpose I’ve been able to find..

(This poem was prompted by the untimely death by suicide of a young talented Indian actor.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subconsciously I was going through life with blinders on

I am a reasonably good person, sensitive to discrimination, I reckoned

All humans are created equal I believe

I am outraged when discrimination I perceive

I am knowledgeable, having read extensively

About the Civil Rights Movement and Black History

Or, so I would think…

I lived in general oblivion until I was brought to the brink

Of being forced to look at discrimination outrageous

And I realized my mind had been quite impervious

To racial profiling, micro and macro- aggressions

I suddenly become aware of my flawed impressions

You must find it ironic because I happen to be

A woman of color, in a minority

No stranger to micro-aggressions, I was still regrettably

Oblivious to what my fellow human-beings face daily..

 

***

I deeply regret that the eye-opener for me

Had to be events of such magnitude in tragedy

I am saddened by the state of affairs

And now trying my best to be self-aware

Of the subconscious racial biases that pervade

Many interactions around me, and invade

The souls of those who discrimination face

At every step, in twisted, warped ways

They carry their burdens within, they do not need

To bear the burden of creating racial awareness indeed

To support them, we need to rip apart the fabric

Of our social norms- we need changes drastic

Starting from identifying biases we carry within

Bring to surface all assumptions hidden

Then look around with open eyes and an open mind

Prepared to be dumbstruck by what we find……

 

 

Social distancing is taking its toll

On almost everyone, because we all

Are social creatures, we thrive

On interactions with our tribe..

It is much harder for many of us

Who tend to be more gregarious

Then there are some, just like me

Who want to crawl into obscurity

Each time large crowds we have to face

We fiercely guard our personal space…

**

While the reason behind sheltering in place

Is one that none of us would want to face-

I must admit some aspects of quarantine

Quite comfortable for me have been

Cooped up in the shell of my home, I find

Myself more comfortable in body and mind

Attending dinners and social events is not

My cup of tea, I have always fought

The urge to make an excuse and decline

Such invitations- you cannot lure me with free wine

I am  glad these days the pressure to attend

Any events in person is non-existent…

In professional and personal life these days

Grooming and presentation matter in so many ways

Trying to approach perceived standards is hard for me

Meeting on online platforms is, by comparison, easy

Pre-pandemic, I had craved for solitude

Now I am content to stay away from multitudes…

**

In a world that values sociability

I have often felt like an anomaly

But these days it does not hurt

To be less sociable, be an introvert

While many meet on zoom and plan away

I am content in my company all day..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This poem reflects the sentiments of a migrant laborer who is trying to go home amid the lockdown in India.)

I know the world is facing a huge crisis, I understand

I was educated not in a school but on the streets of this land

And on the streets I am left to somehow fend

For myself- I never did intend

To not work- I am the unseen, forgotten laborer

Behind the country’s newly acquired glitter

Now that the sheen has been wiped away

By this coronavirus, I am left to struggle each day

I get it- you cannot build malls and villas right now

But what am I to do when the lockdown does not allow

Earning an honest living in this city that was supposed to be 

A haven for the poor, uneducated migrant workers like me

What am I to do, stranded alone without food, money or work-

I must return to the fields of my village- labor I do not shirk..

For if nothing else, my family is there

Maybe we can stretch the food from that tiny hectare

Of land for all of us- we are resourceful that way

But how do I get there in this lockdown today?

**

We at the bottom of the ladder already view

The world in a fatalistic way- the concepts are not new

Of hunger, disease and death, yet in desperation

Like you- we want to turn to our families for consolation

While people living abroad are brought back in planes

We have no transportation to alleviate our pain

**

I had heard this virus does not discriminate

It has affected the rich, it has affected heads of state

But, like every other calamity that has hit us before

The indigent like us are left shaken to the core

It’s not death that I fear, I think I can face

Death with more equanimity than others in this place

But dying in this city, where I was already trudging half-dead

Is difficult to contemplate- I will go where my life is, instead

I hope against hope a homebound train I shall find

Until then I’ll walk- I have made up my mind

Death is all around, what difference would it make eventually

If I  jump from a frying pan to a fire actually…

 

Image courtesy: https://www.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/covid19-pandemic-3d-india-lockdown-quarantine-1697131006)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

-Abraham Lincoln

Had heard all along but never comprehended

Take life one day at a time, this advice was intended

For people to focus on things they valued each day

This felt too sanctimonious to follow, I must say..

Planning career moves, children’s education, investments

Require looking into the future, making calculated assessments

 

**

Who knew times would change and we would be

In the thick of a pandemic, a time fraught with uncertainty

What the future holds for all of us is unknown

What we have is an unsettling present alone..

The best laid plans for this year have evaporated in thin air

Trying to think about the future only causes further despair

**

I came to the conclusion, though with some reluctance

That the only way to live through these times with some semblance

Of sanity is to take life as it comes, day by day

To be grateful for life, family and health as we pray

For a better future, built on lessons learnt

From the pandemic, for we have been burnt

By our need to plan, predict, manipulate

The vagaries of nature, to depreciate

The importance of all non-human elements

In our lives, so proud had we become of our establishments…

**

I celebrated today, tomorrow remains unseen

What a beautiful day yesterday’s tomorrow has been!

Art is not always about pretty things. It’s about who we are, what happened to us, and how our lives are affected.

– Elizabeth Broun

When fear has become the emotion dominant

When uncertainty surrounds us, omnipresent

When answers to questions do not exist

When on the narrowest sliver of hope we subsist

When physical space we find in constraint-

There is only one way out- to give free rein

To imagination, to try to get the mind and soul immersed

In art- the medium of freedom in this dystopian universe..

**

One could create, one could simply admire

Art in different forms could serve to inspire

Millions who are hurting, unable to give expression

To the swarming plethora of emotions

When ordinary language fails to convey

Innermost feelings, art provides a beautiful way

To express, and to preserve that expression

For posterity- one day there would be a compilation

For future generations to study to understand

How this pandemic changed the lay of the land…

**

Whereas science will lead us to a vaccine or a cure

For the virus itself- art, I think, will enable us to endure

The emotional burden that the pandemic has placed

On humankind as we fight a war never before faced…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had thought..

 

Since this was a crisis so large in magnitude

Spread throughout the world, affecting multitudes

The world would have no choice but to fight

The enemy as one, countries would be forced to unite

Race, religion, borders this enemy does not respect

Humankind everywhere is reeling from its cataclysmic effect

When solving this conundrum seemed to be a goal for all

Naïvely I thought- united we would stand, divided we would fall…..

 

***

I now see…

 

A world polarized, a world divided

Faith being placed in messages misguided

Finger-pointing more rampant than ever before

The Virus has exposed our differences to the core

Instead of the society being unanimously galvanized

To fight the pandemic, in an era of being hyper-globalized

We are choosing to divide ourselves by our beliefs

Trying to place blame somewhere for a false sense of relief

In this era of unprecedented connectivity

We are discovering our predilection for selectivity…

***

 

It saddens me to see the world so divided today

The clear stream of reason seems to have lost its way

Being a physician I see that the crisis we now face

Is a challenge to our species, the entire human race

This is a war, and how many wars were won

By creating internal rifts, was there even one?

By sharing research findings, experience, expertise

Through every possible medium, to treat this formidable disease-

Scientific communities are united in their fight

Humbly I suggest from them we gain insight

As societies and nations- forget our differences, forget about blame

We are all afraid, we are all hurting, we are all the same..

Thirsting for adventures is a natural state

All of us like new experiences on our plate

Time, effort and money we spend

Beyond our comfort zones ourselves we extend

To get that elusive thrill, that unparalleled elation

That sense of accomplishment, that victorious sensation

Also, since keeping up with the Joneses is a part

Of our social lives, such experiences make for a good start

Of conversation at gatherings of (frenemies)/ friends

Help us stand out while we try to blend…

***

All the experiences and adventures that were in the cards for the year

Were rudely interrupted by the spread of the virus; suddenly our spheres

Instead of expanding, shrank to a size unprecedented

Our ability to move about had never to this extent been prevented…

All the places we were supposed to go to, the “classes”we were supposed to take

Became figments of imagination, as lives and livelihoods came at stake…

***

I must admit, at the start of the year 2020

I had laid out my plans in detail, anticipating new experiences a-plenty

Like everyone else I was in for a rude shock

As access to every adventure was blocked

The adrenaline rush I had to come to rely on

Was nowhere to be found, the thrill of exploration was gone…

***

Like the rest of the world I’ve had to learn

To forego the freedom for which I yearn-

Confined to my house, I combed through

Neglected spaces and corners, that appeared new

Embarked on an adventure to redecorate-

Surprised myself at being able to rejuvenate

Spaces without buying knick-knacks new

Who would have thought this was an exciting thing to do?

Found previously unknown gems in my backyard

Camped under the stars-finding adventures suddenly did not seem hard

Adventurous were my escapades culinary

Experimenting with everything from cakes to curry..

***

Maybe this is part of a cosmic design

Maybe the universe is giving us a sign

That in our thirst for adventure, far we have strayed

From home-from the journey of life we’ve been waylaid

Home is for the soul a resting place

Home is our reflecting surface….

***

Staying home has grounded me

(Both literally and figuratively)

My restless soul that had adventures sought in places new

Is resting at home, with newly discovered equanimity too