Passion…unbridled

Robert Frost only had two roads from which he

Had to choose, I wish that would be the case for me..

Too many roads, too many ways, choices galore

What defines my world is the word “more”

Life is a complex maze of choices, further complicated

By the internet that leads to senses hyper-stimulated

Too many variables to analyze in an equation

Hard to reach a conclusion, or even derive the best estimation

I start down one road, but something shiny and bright

Often distracts me, questions of “what-ifs” ignites

I abandon my plan, set out a different path altogether

The one that holds the promise of something better

Even if on one road I manage to stay

The joy of my journey is taken away

By the promise of something superior in another direction

I am left analyzing repeatedly every action..

There seem to be no roads less traveled by somehow

As being unconventional has become the convention now..

*

My ancestors would think I am fortunate

To have a plethora of choices, to be able to dictate

What I want in life, but this privilege feels like a noose

At times, from which I want to cut loose

If I had one or two choices I would not face

Decision paralysis like I do these days..

*

Many roads diverged before me and I

I took the one most traveled by

Tried and tested, with surprises none

I couldn’t be more satisfied with my decision

The world appeared to be a dark place

In everything I did I seemed to face

Roadblocks, challenges, though small

Summed up they were taking a toll

On my patience, well-being and sanity

I felt I was trying to sprint on empty

Overly sensitive was I in every interaction

Everything I perceived as an infraction

Though convinced that physically I was well

A vague bodily discomfort I could not quell

I could only view the world from a pessimistic lens

I was ready to snap, I was so tense..

*

Before my world could crash and collapse

Before I lost my mind over tiny mishaps

My feet found their way to my bed on their own

They realized what I should have already known

Next thing I remember is waking up from a slumber deep

And the world was transformed after my restorative sleep

Besides having more energy I found

A change in my mood and outlook profound

The pessimistic hues had been replaced

With a silver lining my thoughts were laced

*

Days like this come in my life frequently

Following nights of hospital call, that inevitably

Lead to poor or no sleep at night

The next day I am locked in a fight

With the demon of sleep that alters my perception

Everything seems wrong with the world; this deception

Lasts invariably until I catch up on lost sleep

To hit the covers is a promise to myself that I must keep

When I feel the post-call blues overpowering me

I must remember that sleep is my therapy..

How do we erase the idea that nestles deep

In the collective consciousness of people, that keeps

The inferiority complex of the colonized perpetuated

Is passed through generations, the shame that’s never dissipated

Three-quarters of a century spent as a nation free

Colonialism continues to feed our psyche

Where privilege, class, education synonymous remain

With English, we are conditioned to look with disdain

At our own languages, as if to express

Ourselves in the “vernacular” would make us less..

Less sophisticated, less modern, less capable

Of achievement, of being valuable

Because value is a property of that club exclusive

To which belonged our colonizers, we aspire to their way to live

*

Why is it so hard to change the narrative?

Why do we not more credit give

To who we are, or who we could have been

If colonization for 250 years we had not seen

So systematic was the erosion of our self-esteem

That successive generations have not been able to redeem

Our pride in our culture, pure and unadulterated

It’s time to change how our success stories are narrated..

If you want to place the blame somewhere

To hold someone accountable, it seems fair

To blame the pandemic that has upended

All lives, led to consequences unintended

May I suggest, then, to pause right here

Acknowledge our frustrations and fears

The last two years challenging have been

In different ways for different folks, we have seen

Of anger and impatience, greater expression

We know times are hard, we should give concession

To those who are hurting, extend grace

Who knows what difficulties they continue to face

Two pandemic weary souls venting their distress

On each other are unlikely to make progress..

But if anger is met with grace and kindness

A path is forged together towards success

*

So if you come across someone whose emotions are high

Blame the pandemic, to give them some latitude you should try

I know you feel vulnerable here

You have an illness, and you fear

Being judged on any number of things

A doctor’s visit a sense of insecurity brings

You worry your lifestyle choices would be scrutinized

You inability to afford medications would be revealed to outside eyes

Your embarrassing indiscretions would come to light

All those demons you have to privately fight

Might be revealed, your health they adversely affect

You know you would be reminded of the ways you are imperfect..

*

As your doctor I cannot reassure you enough

I don’t mean to judge you, being a patient is rough

I just want you to be the healthiest you can be

All the constraints that you face, I can see

Many things are beyond my control, you should know

Drug prices skyrocketing, insurance coverage dropping low

I am willing to work with the limitations around you

The more I know, the more I can do

To help you reach the goal we share

I am on your side, please know that I care.

I have been working nonstop at my desk and I need

A short break, a distraction, so I check my social media feed

Photographs, rants, discussions on relevant topics as well

I take in, then return to work, but my mind still dwells

On the content I have mindlessly ingested

Sucked into stuff in which I’m not even interested

Unwittingly I start comparing others’ highlights

With my behind-the-scenes life, I try to fight

The urge to add my comments to a polarized discussion

On which I should waste time none

But I have an opinion that I feel compelled to share

It is eating into my productive time at work, I’m aware

So I type a short comment, unable to restrain

My wandering mind from adding to the refrain

Then I realize I should go back and wish an acquaintance

A happy birthday, to record in her life my presence

What started as a five minute break has now

Stretched to occupy over twenty minutes of my time somehow

*

Wouldn’t it have been much better for me

To leave my phone untouched entirely

On my short break- I should have cleared my mind

By taking a brisk walk, where I would find

A way to refresh and recharge my brain

Instead of being bombarded again

By useless information that exhausts me at the end

That it serves any purpose at all, I can’t even pretend..

*

Tomorrow I resolve to not look at my phone

I shall spend my short break “alone”

With my thoughts, more mindfully I shall consume

Social media content, and with a refreshed mind, my work resume

Sometimes I wonder if I have already reached

The pinnacle of my life, if time has bleached

The vigor of youth completely out of me

I wonder if in future I would be

Energetic, insouciant as I was before

Or would my future steps be measured much more..

*

The finite nature of life’s years I recognize

I know any moment life can throw a surprise

So I feel compelled that I should design

An intentional life, keeping in mind

My purpose in life, the legacy I would like to leave

Be true to the ideals in which I believe

My younger years were as a consumer spent

I soaked in the abundance of life, but now my intent

Is to give back to the world in some way

I am trying to give shape to what I have to say

Something that adds value to the society as a whole

Not just create noise, not be mere hyperbole

*

What shall I leave behind, and for whom?

This is a broad question, with substantial room

For interpretation, I am trying to find

The most concise reply to this question in my mind

In my journey henceforward I shall continue to try

To create a legacy to leave under the sky

Driven by an inexplicable sense

Of urgency, I live in perpetual impatience

An instant noodle kind of life I desire

To complete tasks fast I am wired

I cannot wait for websites to load

Or for traffic lights to turn green on the road

My thoughts outrun my fingers on the keyboard

If I have to wait a few minutes, I get bored

I walk and talk fast, my mind stays

One step ahead of the moment, always

Life seems like a race, I dutifully run

Without ever feeling like I have won..

*

Of course when I sprint too fast I stumble

In trying to convey my racing thoughts I fumble

For appropriate words, I slow down for a while

When this happens, but being slow is not my style

I pick up again with renewed speed

I feel compelled to run indeed..

*

Of course in my life this advice I have heard

Slow down, look at details, read through every word

Sometimes I slow down, sometimes my impatience

Does not allow me to alter my speed, my friends

At times my sense of urgency puts undue duress

On my colleagues and peers, then I confess

I decide I am going to change my ways

But alas! The need to run inside me stays!

*

Perhaps there is a deep-seated fear

That I need to address here…

While the run is exhilarating, it is stressful too

To stop and contemplate is not something I do

Maybe someday I shall be forced to go slow

When the moment arrives, I hope I would know..

I know what I am going to say here

May be misconstrued, but let me be clear

I am neither depressed nor a pessimist

Only, in a constant state of happiness I don’t exist

“You should be happy in every circumstance ”

Is the mantra doled out, but I take a different stance

Why would humans have evolved to experience

An entire gamut of emotions intense

If the only purpose of life is to be happy

What purpose is served by sadness, anger or envy?

You are told to cover up whatever you feel

Swiftly, express positivity, and conceal

Any negative emotions or thoughts in your mind

In every dismal situation, happiness you should find

While the intention behind this advice

Is noble, the pressure to be happy exacts a price

It may invalidate genuine grief for someone

Amplify guilt for not choosing a positive emotion

Lead to avoidance of feelings uncomfortable

Limit true growth, denial of true emotions enable..

When people are going through intense personal distress

Telling them to simply choose happiness

Is like shaming them for not being positive-

This is toxic positivity, it is not conducive

For a healthy mental balance where each emotion

Can be experienced and expressed without reservation…

Forced positivity in the face of times that are tough

Is something I reject, I feel overwhelmed when the going is rough

Yes I hope for a silver lining to my cloud of despair

But I am sad, I’m grieving, for happiness I don’t care…

February is American Heart Month, a time to pay special attention to understanding, preventing and treating heart disease – the leading cause of death in the nation.

This February, the 58th American Heart Month, the AHA is urging people all over the country to “reclaim your rhythm.”

As I cardiologist, this is what I urge everyone to do. As a poet, I put my own spin on it.

Let it beat…

Every heart, in every man and woman alive

Let it beat in synchrony, let it thrive..

*

Who knew this heart would be weak

Though the family history seemed somewhat bleak

Optimism bias prevented you

From thinking you could be a victim too

Until you were on the table with a catheter in your forearm

You received help before incurring significant harm

*

You were annoyed at any insinuation

That smoking was harmful for your constitution

Your breathing was fine, you would insist

Any attempts to stop smoking you would resist

You ignored fleeting chest pains until the day

Your breath was literally taken away

Now the scar on your chest reminds you

Of the stub of the last cigarette you threw

*

An Epicurean lifestyle you epitomized

You tried every drug, partied hard, and never realized

The toll your habits would take on your heart

Until the day it stopped beating and got a jumpstart

You feel your defibrillator under your skin

When old habits you want to indulge in

*

Weight was your Achilles’ heel, you knew

Excess weight accompanied diabetes and hypertension too

Fad diets and exercise did not seem to work

You were discouraged despite knowing danger lurked

Until your breathlessness got worse and you found

Your heart muscle was weak, it was an epiphany profound

With the help of your team and your own

motivation

You turned your life around, in the right direction

*

You were proud of your workaholic ways

You sat for hours at a computer most days

Snacked mindlessly, your sleep curtailed

A type-A go-getter, you could not fail

Or so you thought until your heart sent

Warning signals to you and out of rhythm went

You are back in a normal rhythm now

Less stress and more sleep yourself you allow

*

You could not place your finger on what it was, but you knew

Something was wrong, beyond menopause blues

No one had even thought of heart disease

Until a random ECG showed abnormalities

You were stumped, you never had chest pain that you could recall

Besides high blood pressure in pregnancy, you had not been sick at all

That was the first time you found out what is now well known

That women have atypical symptoms of heart disease, you were not alone

Now you are vigilant about your symptoms and refrain

From explaining them away as part of life’s stress and strain

*

You thought from COVID you had made

A complete recovery, but you stayed

Short of breath, and your ankles did swell

Little did you know the trouble this would spell

The infection damaged your heart muscle some

You are on treatment now, you hope to overcome

This second hit that COVID gave you

You know this was not “just the flu”

*

So many risk factors for heart disease

Lurk everywhere, we must look out for these

The organ that accompanies us unflinchingly

From birth to death, throughout our journey

Deserves more attention, we must make

Changes to our lifestyle, for the heart’s sake..

You start a deep breath but suspend it in midair

A voice inside your head tells you to beware

Things are all right for now, but the balance is delicate

A gust of wind can upset the orderly state

You go through a mental checklist again

Stay in control, do not relax the rein

You must dot every i and cross every t,

Your world is perched precariously

On the edge of a cliff- you live in constant fear

You feel like you are hanging on to life dear..

There are times when you are tempted to

Just let things be, not let them bother you

But if you let go, things unravel rapidly

Next you are on an accelerating spiral of anxiety

Down the rabbit hole of what-ifs you go

Imagining every worst-case scenario..

*

After letting your imagination run wild you return

To reality to take stock of the actual situation

Everything is fine, you breathe a sigh of relief

Your anxiety recedes, albeit for a period brief

When I was young I thought understanding meant

Learning scientific principles, my time was spent

In pouring over subatomic particles, DNA, RNA and such

Newton’s laws and Einstein’s theories attracted me much

I thought the world around me I could understand

By understanding physical objects and the lay of the land..

I viewed the world in black-and-white

The answer was either wrong or right

Even when history books I read

Those words were gospel truths in my head..

That theories could be based on biased views

Did not even occur to me, there was only one answer to choose…

**

As I have grown older I have realized

There is more to learning than meets the eye

There is subjectivity in interpretation

I have understood, to my consternation

Biases taint scientific literature too

(The pandemic has by now shown this to be true)

The most valuable lessons I have learnt

After many years of getting burnt-

To imbibe everything with a grain of salt

To recognize bias without trying to find fault

To acknowledge that my world view

Does not have to resonate with others too

To try to listen to the other side too

To look for original sources to find what is true

To recognize that despite all efforts to delineate

The actual truth, it may be impossible to isolate

Fact from fiction, because reality is what one perceives

Different for someone with a different set of beliefs..

*

When the burden of comprehension overwhelming becomes

I take refuge in submitting to the Higher One

I clear my mind before trying to figure out

What the universe is really about