Passion…unbridled

There were qualities and possessions I had admired

There was much that my impressionable mind had desired

Everything I lusted after eluded me

As I chased my desires passionately

Since those goals never seemed to be in sight

Gradually I started giving up the fight..

I kept my head down and did what I needed to

But never thought I would achieve a breakthrough

**

Thus detached from my desires, focused on results I was not

Going through the process surprising outcomes brought

What I had thirsted for, admired, desired

I seemed to have achieved- I had not required

Burning ambition or obsession, instead

Separating the journey and destination seemed to work best

At least for me- while I enjoyed the journey

I was subconsciously preparing for ultimate victory…

**

The desire to succeed makes you afraid to the core

Thus detachment from the outcome has some allure

When I want something, I try my best

To let go, trusting a higher power to figure out the rest..

I’m either a church mouse or too aggressive

If I appear bold I’m too progressive

If I stay on the sidelines, I am regressive

Emotional, hormonal, are adjectives for me if I am too expressive..

**

If I play nice, I am too lenient

If I am stern, I’m trying to be dominant

There’s no right way for me to present an argument

I’m either disregarded or labeled vehement

**

I’m either too provocative or too demure

I have to modulate my tone to ensure

No one gets offended- I have to ignore

Comments laced with sarcasm galore

**

If I stay late at work, for my children I don’t care

If I miss a morning meeting, I am made aware

That getting an exemption for childcare

Is insensitive, and for my male colleagues unfair..

**

I know this is a rant but this is reality too

In spite of all this, love my work, I do

My dedication to work please do not misconstrue

There is a glass ceiling and I have to break through

You thought there was just one of you

The version that was authentic and true

To your soul, reflecting your values core..

How come you did not realize before

That you have two faces, two sides

The tongue-in-cheek, irreverent one, that’s hidden inside

And the other- the public one coated with a veneer

Of propriety and grace, the one that always appears

In social interactions, the one that presents a sanitized view

Of your behavior, the one that does not ring true..

The true face of you stays under wraps

To be revealed in exceptional circumstances perhaps…

*

Your true face showcases your nonconformist aspect

Makes people uncomfortable as they reflect

On their true and coated selves, because most of us seem to

Carry versions of ourselves at least two

A necessary evil this seems to be

To maintain social order and harmony

Yet all of us crave that safe place where we can be

Our authentic selves, without fear, unapologetically

To the issue of language I rarely pay enough attention

With both Hindi and English, I have an equal connection

But subtexts hidden in the way language is used may

Have political and social relevance, as I learnt one day…

I was reminded of our colonial legacy

That still influences our behavior unfortunately…

It was a matter inconsequential but it stuck with me

I saw a cooking demonstration of “Indian balloon bread”- which was a simple roti..

*

I began to think- everything seems to find an English translation

As if words in Indian languages lack sophistication..

Some labels as part of colonial baggage we inherited

Like the word curry, the varieties of which could have merited

A culinary encyclopedia- but we are perceived to be

As people without discerning palates, who eat a smelly curry..

Our pooris, parathas and rotis are flatbreads merely

We try to describe our sweet delicacies as puff pastries, really?

*

Kheer is rice pudding, chai is qualified as tea

Why don’t we keep original names alive, a reason I don’t see

Maybe some Indian words are tongue-twisters

But yoga-related jargon is enunciated well by hipsters..

*

I audaciously say we should try to reclaim

Our authenticity by not readily translating names…

We need not carry the baggage of our colonial past

Into the future- but build a new legacy that lasts

*

As I pen these lines, a final thought pierces through me

Even “India” as a name is a product of colonial hegemony

The land we venerate lost its original name

From citizens of Bharat, somehow Indians we became…

Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life.

– Buddha

Somehow I know life would begin one day

At the end of my comfort zone where the way

Familiar to me would abruptly end

And I would no longer be able to pretend

That the status quo satisfactory has been

I would have to jump into the abyss unseen…

It seems while waiting for that moment

I hide behind fear, the emotion predominant

Fear seems to have such a vice grip on me

It makes me concoct stories extraordinary

To convince myself that any deviation from the norm would turn out

To be a disaster without any doubt…

**

Maybe one of these days a leap of faith I shall take

Only time would tell me if I made a mistake

But at least I would then have scored a victory

Against fear, my greatest adversary..

I look younger than my age

Why would you think that would be a cause for rage

Ageism is so deeply ingrained

Looking old should be a cause for pain

So why am I disturbed when I am called

Young like a teenager, why am I appalled

At being told to be a doctor I look too young

Why do I want to scream at the top of my lungs

Whether this is condescension or genuine surprise

I an assumed inexperienced in the patient’s eyes…

**

Yet another battle I have to fight

Race, gender and now age-there is no respite

Some folks think they are paying a compliment

When on my looking younger they comment..

There are plenty of others who tell me

To take these compliments now, before I lose youthful energy

**

We all like youth, but want experience

Can we be done with age-related pretense?

Random thoughts and ideas I find

Are eager to be transformed into words in my mind

Forming unconnected lines that I try to string

Together in verses that help me make sense of things

Placing thoughts on paper in rhyme

Makes me solve conundrums many times

Alas, these verses often interfere

With obligations in every other sphere

Such that my words I cannot

On paper, in a timely fashion jot

From my short-term memory they drift away

My verses remain unfinished for another day…

How do you suppress

Ambition that wants to possess

Every fiber of you, enslave you in every way

That burns like a fire every day

Powerful enough to paralyze

Intimidating enough to immobilize

Such that it is never translated

Into meaningful action, never lets you be satiated..

**

Ambition that wants you to leap ahead

Without allowing a slow and steady tread

Ambition that should have galvanized

You into action remains unrealized..

Ambition that leaves you thirsting for more

Ambition that causes discontent to the core

Ambition that wants you to turn a new leaf

Ambition that challenges every belief

Ambition that does not constructive remain

Ambition that destroys your peace, causes pain..

**

Can the two somehow be co-existent-

Burning desire and contentment?

If only I could a middle ground find

Where ambition spurs me to action, stimulates my mind

Does not burn me down, but allows me to thrive

With a deeper feeling of satisfaction in my life…

To yourself you must not draw attention

You do not know about the intention

Of people, known and unknown, who are looking at you

All attention has negative connotations, regard this as true

There are only two times you should get attention

First, when for academic prowess you get recognition

And second, the day you become a bride

Even then your personality you must hide

Look demure, humble, not too confident

Attention should not exceed a certain extent..

**

Always an obedient child coloring between the lines

I learnt to be wary of people’s hidden designs

Learnt to escape attention except when I was recognized

For academic excellence- that I so prized

Skilled I became at being inconspicuous

Being a silent spectator was etched in my subconscious

I led a rather insipid life in this way

But I avoided controversy and criticism I must say…

**

The corollary to lack of attention became

That despite my ability, forgotten was my name

I did little to distinguish myself from the crowd

Attention went to the voices that were loud

My quiet demeanor and diffidence appeared

As lack of confidence- that was the right assumption, I fear

In trying to thwart attention unwanted

I had lost the ability to state my views undaunted…

**

Now I am gradually learning to draw attention appropriate

To myself, I am learning to confidently state

My point of view, which may sometimes be

Dramatically different, placing the spotlight on me

In this competitive world, the right kind of visibility

Is essential to success, now I clearly see…

When people tell me to be strong, I don’t understand

What made them think that I am weak?

I have survived despite patriarchy on this land

Why should validation from men I seek?

*

I can withstand labor pains

I have seen my own blood flow

Though men may hold the reins

Of my life, they should know

I have managed home and hearth

Despite education and opportunities denied to me

To children I have given birth

And fed them, even when my body was weary

*

When I went along with decisions made for me

I was not weak, I had strengthened my body and mind

To preserve the architecture of the society

That, after all, men had designed…

*

With or without societal rights, never have I been weak

I have been strong since humankind on earth appeared

For centuries, I was denied an opportunity to speak

For myself, but now I proclaim my strength without fear..

Why do I feel the need to seek permission

As if alone I cannot make the decision

To curl up in bed, leave chores incomplete

Sleep with abandon, no deadlines meet

At work, at home, children’s assignments from school

Maybe for a day, forget all the rules..

But the idea of loosening up is scary to me

What if my carefully constructed life goes awry

Our collective sanity depends, I believe

On my meticulous planning, if I leave

Anything to chance, disaster would unfold

My family would be subjected to miseries untold..

Thus taking time out for myself does appear

An unnecessary, selfish indulgence, I fear

So even when no one imposes demands on me

I carry the burden of keeping my home orderly

And look for permission from…I realized just now

The never-ending list of tasks- that list never allows

Me to take time off, pencil in “vacation” days

Therefore my life goes on in the same busy way…

**

So here’s my new resolution for me

I’ll give myself permission to be tardy

Leave tasks until later, rest when I feel the need

I don’t need to ask anyone else indeed!