Passion…unbridled

Drop your expectations when you go out

Needless aggravation you can do without

You know somehow some fault someone would find

That someone’s criticism would play havoc with your mind

Maybe you would start second-guessing

Maybe you would start obsessing

Over the bold color of your lipstick or your inappropriate outfit

Or the late hour of the day, or the way that you sit

Or the confidence in your walk or the way

You interact with others, how you say

What is on your mind without hesitation

All these could cause someone some consternation

Which would then rub off on you

If you listen to that person and allow it to..

**

Maybe you’d be better off just choosing

To turn a deaf ear, by actively refusing

To react to criticism from the someones all around

To remind yourself that their opinions don’t hold any ground

I know you actually do not care about what people say

Yet listening to criticism can subconsciously self-confidence sway

Those who police you have issues of their own

That they have to figure out for themselves alone

Your accommodating their opinions futile would be

That would not change anything permanently

If your inner voice gives you permission

Just be who you are, within reason..

I was the poster child for diligence

Praised for my academic excellence

Effortlessly I seemed to sail through

School, college, (apparently) life too

In my limited world-view I came to believe

I would be successful, I was destined to achieve

My goals in life- I am also embarrassed to admit

I thought I would not have to work hard for any of it..

**

The first brush with what like failure appeared

Knocked me down- I felt unmoored, I did fear

That the “special” talent I used to possess

That extra something that brought me success

Had disappeared forever, but then I found

I needed to change my strategy the next time around

Since then, more failures than successes I’ve had to face

In various spheres of life- I have finally learnt to embrace

Both failure and success-though I cannot claim

That through both of them, my spirits stay the same..

*

With greying hair I’ve learnt a lesson

We all fail, it’s not a question of if but when

Failure could be minor, or profound

Could follow success or happen the first time around

But save for possession of powers superhuman

Failure is universal, for all women and men

Success bolsters strength and confidence

But unsung failure teaches the importance

Of continuing efforts, and improving your game

Success, on the other hand, tells you to stay the same

Therefore going from success to success

Causes stagnation and hinders progress

Let me fail and climb and rise again

Rather than on a plateau of success remain

You know I’m able to successfully keep hidden

My innermost desires and aspirations

From all my family members and friends

But the place I turn to for my inspiration

Has spies to watch everything I search

All the search engines and social media sites seem to conspire

To nudge me towards my dreams, aid me in research

They intensify my cravings, fuel my desires

**

My wildest dreams that I am too shy to articulate

Places I dream of traveling to, goals I aim to achieve

Come up as suggestions at a prolific rate

Sometimes they are so close to my heart it is hard to believe..

It scares me that someone somewhere in cyberspace

Knows more about me than those close to me do

I browse the web in private but it is a public place

Where my personal data becomes public too

**

Each time I surf the web looking for content

I reveal a part of my identity via algorithms cleverly designed

Being a private person, this is contrary to my intent

But I am prey to the machinations of Machiavellian minds…

As I grow older, hopefully I grow wiser too

My youth was focused on consumption, I blew

My hard-earned money on accumulating possessions

Eating out, buying bright new stuff was an obsession

Prevalent consumerism supported these pursuits of mine

I purchased and consumed, per the economists’ designs..

**

Driven by consumerism, gradually I began to realize

Excessive stuff was a curse in disguise

Leading to a lifestyle unsustainable by design

Encroaching on time and peace of mind

The money I spent on acquisitions could be

Diverted much more meaningfully

**

Principles of a sustainable lifestyle I have found

There is joy in repurposing things around

There is a sense of accomplishment in cooking from scratch

That restaurant or store-bought prep

meals cannot match

To buy pre-loved (second-hand) clothes

Gives a unique look and also reduces the load

On landfills where our discarded objects are thrown

There is reason to minimize how much we own

Forest bathing may a new-fangled trend be

But the benefits of being outside are intuitive to me

Of course I enjoy wonders made by man

But appreciate natural marvels as much as I can

*

Conscious consumption is a choice I try to make

The less I own, the less I have at stake

Meticulously planned

Thoroughly researched

Contingencies included

Alternatives explored

Itineraries drawn

Every i dotted

Every t crossed

*

Fluid plans

Moving targets

Spur of the moment

Spontaneous decisions

Going off the grid

Taking the road not taken

Adventure the operative word..

The magic of storytelling I well understand

I’m waiting for God’s mysterious hand

To work wonders on my imagination in such a way

That I can pen a groundbreaking story one day

Everyone has a story, so I am told

Random ideas in my head I hope would unfold

And reorganize in to a story compelling and coherent

That spellbinds readers, a whole new perspective presents..

**

The characters I conjure in my mind

Are as fickle as my thoughts, I find

Never staying with me long enough

To be able to create even a draft rough..

Ideas come to me in a drowsy state

To disappear next morning, leaving a blank slate..

What should I write about, is another conundrum

I am knowledgeable only in fields some

An unremarkable life I lead

Nothing to write about indeed..

*

They say when an idea comes to you

Jot it down somewhere, any medium would do

But ideas come to me at times most inconvenient

I can rarely write them down, that’s my predicament..

Thus I have a laundry list of excuses as you see

To explain why I have not penned my masterpiece for posterity..

Let me get shattered

Let me break

Into a million pieces

For the sake

Of my grief

I am blinded

Crippled, maimed

By flaming anger

I long to blame

This twist of fate

Like a tsunami

Washed away from me

The life that I knew

No path I can see

Forward- it is clouded

In a fog concocted

From my anger, my misery

Let the acerbic pain of my loss

Disintegrate me

So I can exorcise

My desolate past

Burn to ashes, then rise

Like the Phoenix proverbial

Transform my cries

Into motivation to turn a new leaf…

We were three women meeting

For the first time-wives of three old friends

After the preliminary introductions were completed

And we were all past the stage of pretense

The conversation turned, as it invariably does

To family, work-life balance, raising children

Soon each one of us, though highly accomplished

Was explaining her life-choices to other women

*

I realized we have a compelling need to explain

How we make our choices, set priorities

Each time they are different from the norm

We try to rationalize our own insecurities

Preemptively- so conditioned are we to receive judgment

When we move past societal rules restrictive

That we feel obligated to explain our motivation

Behind everything we do, in a manner predictive

We are almost certain questions would be asked

So into a defensive mode we go

We are all adults free to make decisions

Then why do others have to know

When we choose something “unconventional”

(What is convention anyway, may I inquire?)

Different strokes exist for different folks

We live according to our needs and desires..

*

We gave each other explanations vociferous

Subconsciously judging and comparing constantly

We ended though on a note unanimous

We were each doing the best for our family..

I just want to sit in peace and drink my coffee

And mindfully enjoy my breakfast too

Instead I grab a biodegradable cup

And scarf down antioxidant-rich morsels few

With my phone in one hand, coffee cup in the other

I grab my car keys and walk at a brisk pace

To my car, my handbag slung over my shoulder

Gearing for ride in heavy traffic to my workplace.

*

Driving to work is a time sink, therefore

Instead of listening to a radio station that is more interesting

I listen to an audio book, a podcast or more

I am glad in self-improvement time I am investing

*

I just want to sit outside and munch

For fifteen precious minutes precise

On my fiber and protein-rich lunch

But doing nothing else is unwise

As I chew on my salad leaves, I try

To respond to e-mails abundant

I return from lunch satisfied, I won’t lie

When I’ve emptied the lunchbox and inbox of their contents..

*

In my 20 minute break I want to sit and stare

At the ceiling, but my inner voice admonishes me

Sitting is the new cancer, so I do not dare

To sit, instead I go for a brisk walk to stay healthy

*

The afternoon commute is painfully slow

I listen to my audio book to be productive again

I pick up my child, feed him a snack as we go

To his soccer practice-secretly wishing it would rain..

*

I want to sit in a corner and watch my child play

But I’ve to prepare for tomorrow’s meeting

I read the documents e-mailed earlier today

Of the soccer game, I catch glimpses fleeting

*

Once home I want to sit down, I feel the need

That’s not happening at all, as dinner is due

I have mastered making dinner at an amazing speed

While helping my child with his assignments too..

*

I sit for dinner for ten minutes or so

That is our family time, precious

Once dishes are done, I’m ready to go

Sit and read (extra reading would be a plus)

Often I do not realize how I sink in my bed

From sitting to a position supine

All the wonderful things in my head

Disappear as sleep takes over my mind..

You are strong, is all you’ve heard

So strong is the only way to be

In moments of weakness, you put on a facade

Of strength, each time invariably..

That does help carry you through

Many crises, real and perceived

But it turns exhausting too

“You can handle anything” is generally believed

This illusion of strength has a consequence odd

Portraying strength can isolating be

You don’t need support or assistance

This is a belief held wildly..

**

What a pleasure it would be to open up

And display your vulnerable side

To cry, to commiserate, to voice your fears

For once, let your emotions decide

Which way to go, which path to take

Give yourself permission to express

All your dreams and fears bottled up

All perceived weaknesses that you had suppressed…

*

Strength to me lies in embracing

Our vulnerability, our human aspect

Some battles are won by the body and the brain, some by heart

All emotions that we feel, we should respect

You complain about being uncomfortable

Due to externalities- mostly you are capable

Of moving away from the source of discomfort for you

Therein lies the difference between us – this is not true

For me- I carry the burden of discomfort with me

Because of my lack of societal conformity..

*

I am eyed with suspicion, perceived as a pervert

And that, fellow human beings, does definitely hurt..

I try to talk to myself about self-love every day

But not much love has come along my way..

The disappointment and sorrow in the eyes

Of my parents, who have wrapped my reality in lies

Has taken me away from the one place that could have been

My safe haven, where I could shed tears unseen

Despite attempts at inclusion, I fear discrimination

At the doctor’s office, I am still an aberration

I see healthcare staff treat me cautiously

Deadly diseases I am suspected to carry..

*

When I strike conversations with strangers, I am on guard

Their views on inclusivity I cannot disregard

Being hyper attentive has become second nature, I must say

Saving me from escalating trouble many a day

*

My greatest desire is not to excel, or accolades win

First and foremost I just want to be comfortable in my skin

Success…

How would I define success today?

Do I think I’m successful, am I able to say

I’ve arrived, I’ve achieved the goals

That make me successful as a whole

Is success a discrete entity or a continuum?

Is my life headed in an upward direction?

*

Success was important, that was ingrained

In my mind, it was a message firmly retained

From the applause that as a child I’d received

Getting good grades, winning contests I perceived

As being synonymous with success

Therefore, sadly, I continued to obsess

Over academic excellence, which I did achieve

I would be successful, I began to believe..

*

The definition of success morphed as I grew

Or branched out, as I faced challenges new

The first brush with failure was a resounding blow

To my overestimated ability, my fragile ego

More challenges in myriad spheres followed

I stumbled repeatedly along the road

Failure became a faithful companion for me

While fickle success floated in and out repeatedly…

*

These days success I measure in aliquots small

Each time that I rise up after a fall

Each time I reach or exceed targets I’ve set

I consider it success, a sense of accomplishment I get

To improve my health, when steps I take

To enhance my skills, when efforts I make

These are steps to keep failure at bay

To feel successful in small measures everyday

There is no applause, rarely appreciation I receive

There are no tangible measures of success to achieve..

The old barometer of success was dependent

On external validation- not internal contentment

With age, I define success differently

It is for me to feel, not for the world to see

*

Success..

Success is not a goal-post, nor a destination to reach

It is a journey with failure by my side to teach

The value of persistence, the need for humility

I am navigating towards internal success, successfully!