Musings of a doctor

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(Painting by Luis Jimenez Aranda- The ward in chief doctor visit. 1889)

I think in my daily life I crib enough

That life as a physician is pretty tough

Running at times purely on adrenaline

Assisted by a hefty dose of caffeine

Trying (and failing) very hard to squeeze

Sixty minutes of work in fifteen isn’t a breeze

 

I need to be efficient but doctor-patient interaction

Cannot be constrained by time, in any fashion

Need for documentation adds to my woes

I try to be meticulous, and there my free time goes..

I love challenges, but caring for sick patients can be

At times, an emotionally draining exercise in futility…

*

Then there are those days when I find

That the patients that had been occupying my mind

All of previous evening- being in a critical condition

With me unsure if my efforts would be brought to fruition,

Have turned the corner, their condition stabilized

This positive change again has me galvanized

Into action, I am ready for the challenges of a new day

I have adrenaline coursing through me in a good way

All the aforementioned issues pale into insignificance

I feel blessed to be able to make a difference

In people’s lives, ultimately that is the reward I seek

It serves as a reminder when my days are bleak..

(Image source: http://doina-touchinghearts.blogspot.com/2014/07/under-hippocratic-oath-paintings.html)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out of choice

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

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Sitting at my desk, sometimes I am lost in reverie

As to where in the world would I be

If I had taken the other road, the one

Less traveled by, less trampled upon

Conventional choices I think I have made

Within narrow confines I have stayed

For the most part, would life have been different

If I had been more willing to experiment?

Broader vistas would I have explored?

Is it possible I would never find myself bored

The way I am now, if I had made a choice

To go against the flow, to develop a new voice?

Then I remind myself of the choices I’ve made-

I left my motherland, I could have stayed

My chosen career, my cherished profession

Could have been different- it was my decision

In its entirety, never was I coerced

I knew what it entailed, I was well-versed

I am not the most adventurous, yet I

Have made some unconventional choices, that’s why

Sometimes I find myself all alone, I confess

Maybe that’s why over my choices I obsess..

At the end of the day I am defined

By the choices I have made, whether my mind

Was the one leading me, or my heart

My choices have become of me an integral part..

I’m afraid when I hear…

DSC_0195There are some phrases that come loaded

With premonition of a bomb that has exploded

My adrenergic system promptly goes into gear

When these ominous phrases I hear

Fear grips me, I start to prepare

For what could be my worst nightmare-

“I need to show you something” is one 

I wonder what error of commision or omission

Have I made in the last couple of days

“Needing” to show something is one of the ways

 

 

A blunder is revealed to an unsuspecting soul

(I do the same in the opposite role)

The other phrase that I fear is this one-

“We need to talk”- it means an altercation

Is about to ensue- I prepare instinctively

To defend myself in such an eventuality

Then there are those phrases dropped sotto-voce

That someone somehow brilliantly chose

To represent passive-aggressiveness

At its most artful, disguised best

“Just saying” is one of them, I think

Can make you feel guilty without raising a stink

“Just kidding” is along the same line

Whatever they said is just not fine

No one is “kidding”, the words are deliberate

They have stated exactly what they wanted to state..

 

And then there are the calls on my phone

From my son’s school, that chill me to the bone

The pessimist in me is convinced it’s bad news

The staff, though, has been in my shoes

So more often than not, the first sentence I hear

Is”Everything is fine with (my child)”, they know my fear..

 

So these are the phrases that never fail to scare me

This is one of life’s lessons, unfortunately!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Weight of Expectations

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Fed on a steady diet of regulations and norms

Presented in every manner and form

From what to say, how to, to whom, and when

From how to be seen and not heard as a woman

Sartorial choices, type and level of adornment,

Narrowly defined, giving way to resentment-

Navigating the narrow alleys of behavior acceptable

She grew up, often confused, sometimes unable

To reconcile the dictats of her heart and mind

Sometimes  a common ground she simply could not find

Between what her heart thought was right, what the mind refused

The results of this quandary left her no longer enthused

Over the prospect of trying to follow her heart’s desire

She thought is was best to douse such a fire…

**

Ah…but the fire that smolders deep inside

Its heat makes itself known, it is impossible to hide

So her heart’s desires that challenged many social norms

Could not be prevented forever from taking form

The urge was powerful, and she did learn

To ignore the society at many different turns

And follow her heart, because she realized

 

The number of people who she feared would criticize

Her choices were few, not many people cared

About what she did, she had been needlessly scared..

**

Now in her thirties, an independent woman is she

Her personality is a reflection of her individuality

She dresses the way she pleases, oh yes, she is loud

She sings to herself, she can swing with the crowd

There is but one thing she refuses to wear-

The weight of others’ expectations, on this, she is clear!

(Image source: http://www.fearlessmotivation.com/2015/09/23/10-of-the-most-powerful-inspiring-quotes-on-expectations/)

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Women’s Day

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Diva!

Worldwide we celebrate the day today

As International Women’s Day, 

Calling to attention the valuable contribution

Of women to our society and organizations

It is supposed to be a day to applaud women

All over the world, in a world dominated by men

I personally find this celebration offensive

Somewhat, let me explain without being too defensive

Women and men contribute in equal measure

To the running of this world, each gender has its treasures

And yet we celebrate women’s day which to me

Is proof that women and men are not treated equally

Both genders are different, each with strengths unique

Both can be strong, both can at times be weak

For equal work, equally they should be treated

By celebrating this day, the essence of equality is defeated

Let us acknowledge women for who they are, every day

Such that the need for a special day to “celebrate” them goes away.

 

 

 

Mom guilt

“Guilt to motherhood is like grapes to wine.”- Fay Weldon

momguilt-683x1024I dream about a day that I
Can fulfill all my obligations under the sky
Without being interrupted frequently
By motherhood and its myriad responsibilities

I sit at my desk trying to type out
An intellectual paper, but am interrupted by a shout
From my child, who is facing a crisis with his toy
He is producing copious tears, my little boy

Adept at crisis management, I fix the issue
Engage him in a book, happy with myself too
For tearing him away from toys and towards pursuits better
But soon he stumbles upon difficult words and letters
And I am called away from my occupation to attend
To him, to help him read so that the book he comprehends
Once again, I try to plow through my task
With some desperation, quite certain he would ask
More questions, keep interrupting me
The end of my project is not something I can see
My son’s read the book, now he wants to eat
Eager to get back to work, I let him have a treat
He takes his time, savoring the not-so-healthy snack
Grateful for the silence, I work quickly, not looking back
Finally he is done, and asks me what to do
By this time I have run out of options too
So recognizing defeat and laying down in surrender
I let him get the I-pad, despising myself, no wonder
For succumbing to the easy way out with exposure to a screen
I end up letting him get what I did not mean
For him to get, but my nerves are frayed
Patience runs thin, and I am dismayed
At how little I’ve accomplished in the last two hours
I need to forego battles to win the wars..
The tightrope between career and motherhood that I navigate
Is something I’ve chosen, this is an intentional state
So laden with guilt my assignment I complete
Which already feels like achieving a feat
Then go back to being a mother as ideal as I can be
Who can engage her child in productive pursuits constantly…

The Big, Fat Indian Wedding

tablaRead the phrase “wedding bells” somewhere

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere

An extraordinary urge gripped me

To attend an Indian wedding, and see

Fine silks and jewelry opulently displayed

A profusion of colors, in every hue and shade

Food and drink flowing in quantities that appear

Limitless, for guests to gorge on without fear

Of being judged, because the wedding big and fat

Is an occasion meant to do exactly that

Music blaring in the background, decibels high

Guests dancing with abandon under the night sky

Where time is a concept subject to individual

Interpretation, arriving late is nothing unusual

Where an atmosphere of gaiety pervades the air

But undercurrents of drama are standard fare

 

 

I could go on and on, without a mention

Of the bride and the groom, that is a separate section

But when I crave the excitement of an event social

Nothing beats the Indian wedding in this world!

 

 

Postcards from nowhere

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Days and nights stretched out endlessly

As she sat in a corner, listlessly

Knees drawn to her chest, a vacant gaze

The world outside whizzed by in a haze

She occupied her corner wishing she could

Perish without a trace- at least that would

Put an end to her misery, stem the torrent

Of guilt and anger that continued to torment

Her- ever since that calamitous day when

She and her friend had the accident-

It was a regular day in their high school lives

Bored of studying, they had gone for a drive

In the New England winter, the roads were treacherous

 

Glazed with ice, but she was not nervous

Her inexperience, alas, cost both the girls

Her car skidded, the worst nightmare unfurled

Her friend lost her life, she escaped barely hurt

Physically, but her mind just became inert-

To the world she was living, but deep within

She had lost her soul to atone for her sin..

Guilt plagued her, gnawed at her constantly

Hollowed her out, no hope she could see..

Her life, her career plans, all were derailed

She felt in her life she had already failed

Counseling, psychiatric visits were of no avail

What afflicted her actually, no therapist could nail…

**

One day she noticed at the window sill 

Of the corner where she would sit still

A postcard with the picture of a landscape serene

Saying “Do something!”- she took that to mean

This was a sign from her lost friend in some weird way

She gathered all her strength, got out that day

But retreated back to her shell soon after that

And in her dusty corner again she sat

Until the next week, when at precisely the same hour

There appeared yet another postcard

Saying “Do something!” yet again

She did not let the warning go in vain

She ventured out further, talked to a human being

Things she had forgotten, she again started seeing

Week after week, the postcard appeared mysteriously

On her desk, each time she looked at it curiously

(They were not from her parents, that much she knew)

Each time they inspired her to venture out anew

Gradually some semblance of normalcy returned

She started working, college credits she earned

Finally, years later, she was back on track

The weekly postcards now made a tall stack

The message was the same, it never differed

Yet every message had her towards action spurred

**

On her graduation from college, she did see

A special visitor cheering for her vigorously

She was astounded, for the woman who satin the audience

Was the mother of her deceased friend- 

Suddenly she understood the mysterious origin

Of the postcards, they were being given

To her by this mother who had lost her daughter

(She had assumed this woman hated her!)

 

As she tried to thank her friend’s mother

Both had tears flowing, they tried to comfort each other 

“I lost my daughter, she cannot return, but I

Did not want you to lose yourself while alive

My child is gone, but you could honor her memory

By being what she thought you both would be…

When I heard you were in a state of stupor

I knew I had to somehow break your fever

Thus the postcards on which my grief-stricken mind

Could not, despite trying, any better words find

I decided to pursue this tenaciously

And you brought my efforts to fruition graciously.”

**

The guilt that she felt would continue

To haunt her lifelong, perhaps that’s true

But she has succeeded in moving past that day

Hope she never goes back, for that I do pray.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Floral entreaties

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You knew I was naive, you knew I was a lover

Of exotic flowers of every hue and color

So I was carried away when you sent

Expensive flowers to impress me, my friend

Accompanied by tasteful cards, handwritten

Etched with soulful poetry, you knew I was smitten

From humongous hybrid roses to orchids rare

I cherished every bouquet, treated them with utmost care

Knowing you had gone to great lengths to procure

Those lilies, dahlias and carnations, I am sure

You sacrificed items of need so that flowers you could buy

Every want of mine you wanted to satisfy..

**

As the years passed, our love morphed

Considerably, romantic gestures were dwarfed

By the daily grind of life, and both of us forgot

About gifting flowers, we missed it not

Thirty years later we found found ourselves occupied

In planning our daughter’s wedding, when I spied

The most breathtaking floral arrangement

For the wedding arch, everyone was in agreement

That the flowers I chose would look the best,

We commissioned the florist, putting the matter to rest

But..the image stirred some old memories inside me

I looked lost in dreams, you noticed; I did see..

**

I was busy in the hubbub of wedding planning

There was more to it than flowers, I was busy scanning

Every aspect of the wedding, appropriately anxious

As the mother of the bride, in the midst of this fuss

As I was getting ready, there was a knock on my door

On opening, the surprise I got left me floored

There was a huge bouquet that could only be described

As a floral connoisseur’s dream, my eyes opened wide

And duly attached to the bouquet was a card that contained

Mushy poetry, everything was just the same

As it had been thirty years ago, I cannot describe

The mixture of emotions that swelled up inside..

**

Happy to receive the flowers, I went outside

Watched with moist eyes my girl as the bride

She looked so radiant, and so did you

You had another surprise for us too

You made your speech and then there appeared

A gigantic bouquet, which was multi-tiered

That you presented to the groom and the bride

With anecdotes of how you had woo’ed your bride

This was something our daughter had not known

In giving her away, we gave her a tradition of our own..

Money can’t buy happiness

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Money can’t buy you happiness, it’s a cliche, they say

Money can buy things that make one happy, any day

They tell me I am fortunate to be rolling in wealth

What can I tell you- I shed tears of sadness in stealth

Oh yes, I have money, in quantities that might appear

Quite excessive, in fact distastefully so, I fear

 

 

I must be happy, that is the general perception

Money gives me the freedom of choice and rejection

If I say I’m unhappy, ungrateful I appear to be

For not appreciating the fact that I am lucky

To be richer than most people around

Wherever I’ve  gone, this is the sentiment I’ve found…

 

Now I would like to plead my case and tell you

Why money can’t buy happiness is true

I have a plethora of choices that baffle me

Should I strive for mere comfort or revel in luxury?

While you drive a car that is affordable for you

I could do a Honda, a Tesla or a BMW

Having too many choices provokes anxiety

To the extent that sometimes I cannot clearly see

I suffer constantly on the relationship front too

Wondering what is more attractive out of the two

My personality or my money- I remain paranoid

Constant second-guessing disrupts my sangfroid

The circles where circulates my kind of money 

Are full of power games and subtexts that are not funny

When I try to befriend people who have less dough

The elephant in the room disrupts the flow

Of easy conversation, leaving me apologetic

For having money, I feel miserable and pathetic

I never seem to be able to belong anywhere

These are still trivial problems, of that I’m aware

Yet I cannot help but wonder how would life be

If I was born in a middle-class family..

 

 

 

 

My Miracle

dsc07042I had not heard, I was unaware

Upon my life, I think I could swear

That true love could happen more than once

I had never imagined I would get a chance

To fall in love a second time; precipitously

At first sight too, taking you in my arms nervously

That day my heart filled up to the brim, I thought

With love for you, more  capacity there was not 

For my heart to swell, but so wrong was I

My love for you kept growing under the sky

Over the years, I found, I had inside me

To love you, an endless capacity..

 

You lie asleep, your curls framing your face

Exuding peacefulness that pervades the space

Around you- while I watch your belly rise and fall

To me, you’re the world, though you are so small

Each time you run up to me and lock me in an embrace

My whole world is confined to that little space

Your guileless laughter and comments innocent

Remind me of the precious bond we have at present

I am operating on borrowed time, I do know

One day you will grow up and off you will go

To explore the world, fly with newfound wings

While I shall be shedding tears over your forgotten things..

But you are my miracle, you constantly remind me

That I did something right in life, though unknowingly!

 

 

 

 

 

The fault lies in my chronotype..

“Chronotype refers to the behavioral manifestation of underlying circadian rhythms of myriad physical processes. A person’s chronotype is the propensity for the individual to sleep at a particular time during a 24-hour period. ‘Eveningness’ (delayed sleep period) and ‘morningness’ (advanced sleep period) are the two extremes with most individuals having some flexibility in the timing of their sleep period.”- Wikipedia

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(Image source: http://quantitativemedicine.net)

So I am learning why it is so

Early in the morning I feel low

Perking up as the day goes by

Being most creative under the night sky-

Each day is a struggle when early I rise

I need caffeinated drinks of a certain size

To be able to get through the morning somehow-

I am jealous of those lucky people endowed

With the ability to wake at the crack of dawn

While the idea of doing so makes me yawn-

Turns out all of us have a “chronotype” 

While we can adapt, it’s difficult to change our tribe

So being an early riser or the one that stays up late

Turns out, these are actually qualities innate

Determined by genetics (of all things unfixable!)

That means waking early would be a struggle real

For me no matter how much I alter my sleep schedule

I’d always trudge lazily to morning meetings, as a rule..

 

Here’s the fun part that I am learning now

How to adjust to our bodily rhythms to allow

Our lives to get better, moods to elevate

Neither rise too early, nor sleep too late

Be more productive, make healthy choices

Be in sync with our bio-clocks, ignore other voices

So maybe I should learn to harness the power

Of my circadian rhythm, not worry about the hour

That my family wakes up (my husband and son

Are early birds, similar on the genetic spectrum)

Easier said than done, when the age-old dictum

Has been that the early bird catches the worm….

I guess I shall always struggle with early morning work

I can blame it on my genes, it’s not work that I shirk!